~my essence distilled in a single photograph~
This is my 10th Lilo post.
Each time I start one of these posts, I look at a picture of Lindsay and say, “Okay, girl. You aight. Keep it together. We_Gon’_Make_It_- Jadakiss_feat._Styles_P.mp3”
And, you know what, things do end up okay.
Then Lindsay gets FRAMED, AGAIN.
On tumblr I read about all sorts of systematic failures that continually put the same ppl behind bars despite them being totally innocent, and I was like, YES! and I think we should call this ~-~Lilo’s Law~-~. Everyone I was in a fraternity with went to Law School after college so I think I will wait til their shift is done at Surf Taco and get them together to make Lilo’s Law a reality. “We cannot keep imprisoning the innocent, while letting the guilty go with a slap on the wrist,” people always say to me when I discuss Lilo’s legal trouble with them. Then I say, “I agree, they should stop persecuting Lindsay,” then the person is like, “What? That’s not what I’m saying, at all. Are you even paying attention to this conversation? Are you just hearing what you want to hear, then agreeing with your own thoughts?” and I’m all, “Listen, I’m not the one on trial here.”
And Lilo shouldn’t be the one on trial either.
If Lilo was on a high school sports team she would receive zero punishment for all the things she’s done, and she’d also probably receive a nice jacket, free pizza and maybe a case of Powerades or something. Is that how you spell Powerade? It doesn’t look right, but the other option is PowerAIDS and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially those high school athletes because we know how they are.
For a while there, Lilo was doing well. Sure she punched a gypsy in the face, but “Right to Punch Gypsies” is the 16th amendment and you can’t take that way from us, Mr. Pres!!! Before she had to beat a gypsies ass, Lilo had the Liz movie, then post-gypsy beatdown she finished up The Canyons.
The Canyons was supposed to be a turning point. Finally, Lindsay could get out of the shadow of her actions, and James Dean could get out of the shadow of his big dick. It was a fresh start for everyone, even for that weird old guy who directed the movie (and who might also work in Accounting where I work). Every day I see him scanning documents, and I want to be like, “So what’s Lindsay REALLY like,” but I’m not 100% sure he’s the director yet so I drop subtle questions like, “So have you see James Dean aggressively fuck anyone lately?” I don’t want to be too obvious about him being a famous director, that would be rude.
I’m worried about the promo for The Canyons. Bret Easton Ellis is my favorite author and his The Informers screenplay is one of my favorite screenplays. I want this movie to be a success so Lindsay can buy that Halle Berry lawyer back, and Bret can get his scripts produced, and James Deen doesn’t have to fuck that gross looking Sophie Dee.
Lindsay won’t be going to jail, thankfully. She’ll be in 90 day lockdown rehab. I think that most rehabs probably have CNN uplinks so that the stars who get caught DWIing/Cheating/Saying Racist Stuff/Tweeting Dick Pics can still do interviews while they’re doing their “very serious rehab” so the promo cycle should be fine, and The Canyons will go on to win an Oscar, or maybe even something prestigious, like an AVN Award.
Even though Lindsay isn’t going to jail, she had to get another mugshot taken.
I checked out the mugshot to see how it ranked in my collection, and SHE LOOKS FUCKING PHENOMENAL.
EVADING LEGITIMATE RESPONSIBILITY GOALS.
The mugshot is a fantastic picture of Lilo. It’s right up there with the pictures that Terry takes of her. Actually, matter of fact, looking at the work that Lilo Mugshot Guy has done, I want to say Terry Richardson? More like Terry PoorerPicture, Am I rite?
I look at this beautiful Lilo picture and compare it to other photographers and I’m like…
Steven Meisel? More like Steven MyJobIsInJeopardy.
Juergen Teller? More like Juergen-a TellHimHe’sOverNowThatLiloMugshotGuyIsHere.
Mert & Marcus? More like Mert & MarkUsAsLessTalentedThanLiloMugshotGuy
Mario Testino? More like Mario TestingMoTechniquesToGetAsSkilledAsLiloMugshotGuy
Lilo Mug Shot Photographer has shut shit down in the fashion world.
Imagine if Lilo winked in this pic? COVER OF I-D
Imagine if Lilo wasn’t wearing that weird Yankees dugout getup and was wearing a bikini? COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE? Kate Upton? More like Kate GetTheFuckOutOfTown because Lilo is here to slay the SI Swimsuit issue.
Lilo Mugshot Guy, in my opinion, is the most powerful photographer in fashion at this point. If anything bad ever happens to me and they need to take my mugshot, I will use my one phone call to contact Lilo Mugshot Guy and I’ll use the money my parents gave me for bail to get an exclusive session with Lilo Mugshot Guy.
90 days of rehab is a long time, but a picture is forever.
Thank you, Lilo Mugshot Photographer, for reminding us that life is beautiful and so is Lindsay.