4.9- Lilo Mugshot Photographer For All The Campaigns.

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~my essence distilled in a single photograph~

    This is my 10th Lilo post.

    Each time I start one of these posts, I look at a picture of Lindsay and say, “Okay, girl. You aight. Keep it together. We_Gon’_Make_It_- Jadakiss_feat._Styles_P.mp3”

    And, you know what, things do end up okay.

    Then Lindsay gets FRAMED, AGAIN.

    On tumblr I read about all sorts of systematic failures that continually put the same ppl behind bars despite them being totally innocent, and I was like, YES! and I think we should call this ~-~Lilo’s Law~-~. Everyone I was in a fraternity with went to Law School after college so I think I will wait til their shift is done at Surf Taco and get them together to make Lilo’s Law a reality. “We cannot keep imprisoning the innocent, while letting the guilty go with a slap on the wrist,” people always say to me when I discuss Lilo’s legal trouble with them. Then I say, “I agree, they should stop persecuting Lindsay,” then the person is like, “What? That’s not what I’m saying, at all. Are you even paying attention to this conversation? Are you just hearing what you want to hear, then agreeing with your own thoughts?” and I’m all, “Listen, I’m not the one on trial here.”

    And Lilo shouldn’t be the one on trial either.

    If Lilo was on a high school sports team she would receive zero punishment for all the things she’s done, and she’d also probably receive a nice jacket, free pizza and maybe a case of Powerades or something. Is that how you spell Powerade? It doesn’t look right, but the other option is PowerAIDS and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially those high school athletes because we know how they are.

    For a while there, Lilo was doing well. Sure she punched a gypsy in the face, but “Right to Punch Gypsies” is the 16th amendment and you can’t take that way from us, Mr. Pres!!! Before she had to beat a gypsies ass, Lilo had the Liz movie, then post-gypsy beatdown she finished up The Canyons.

    The Canyons was supposed to be a turning point. Finally, Lindsay could get out of the shadow of her actions, and James Dean could get out of the shadow of his big dick. It was a fresh start for everyone, even for that weird old guy who directed the movie (and who might also work in Accounting where I work). Every day I see him scanning documents, and I want to be like, “So what’s Lindsay REALLY like,” but I’m not 100% sure he’s the director yet so I drop subtle questions like, “So have you see James Dean aggressively fuck anyone lately?” I don’t want to be too obvious about him being a famous director, that would be rude.

    I’m worried about the promo for The Canyons. Bret Easton Ellis is my favorite author and his The Informers screenplay is one of my favorite screenplays. I want this movie to be a success so Lindsay can buy that Halle Berry lawyer back, and Bret can get his scripts produced, and James Deen doesn’t have to fuck that gross looking Sophie Dee. 

    Lindsay won’t be going to jail, thankfully. She’ll be in 90 day lockdown rehab. I think that most rehabs probably have CNN uplinks so that the stars who get caught DWIing/Cheating/Saying Racist Stuff/Tweeting Dick Pics can still do interviews while they’re doing their “very serious rehab”  so the promo cycle should be fine, and The Canyons will go on to win an Oscar, or maybe even something prestigious, like an AVN Award.

    Even though Lindsay isn’t going to jail, she had to get another mugshot taken.

    I checked out the mugshot to see how it ranked in my collection, and SHE LOOKS FUCKING PHENOMENAL.

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             MUGSHOT GOALS.

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EVADING LEGITIMATE RESPONSIBILITY GOALS.

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             EYEBROW GOALS.

    The mugshot is a fantastic picture of Lilo. It’s right up there with the pictures that Terry takes of her. Actually, matter of fact, looking at the work that Lilo Mugshot Guy has done, I want to say Terry Richardson? More like Terry PoorerPicture, Am I rite?

    I look at this beautiful Lilo picture and compare it to other photographers and I’m like…

    Steven Meisel? More like Steven MyJobIsInJeopardy.

    Juergen Teller? More like Juergen-a TellHimHe’sOverNowThatLiloMugshotGuyIsHere.

    Mert & Marcus? More like Mert & MarkUsAsLessTalentedThanLiloMugshotGuy

    Mario Testino? More like Mario TestingMoTechniquesToGetAsSkilledAsLiloMugshotGuy

    Lilo Mug Shot Photographer has shut shit down in the fashion world.

    Imagine if Lilo winked in this pic? COVER OF I-D

    Imagine if Lilo wasn’t wearing that weird Yankees dugout getup and was wearing a bikini? COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE? Kate Upton? More like Kate GetTheFuckOutOfTown because Lilo is here to slay the SI Swimsuit issue.

    Lilo Mugshot Guy, in my opinion, is the most powerful photographer in fashion at this point. If anything bad ever happens to me and they need to take my mugshot, I will use my one phone call to contact Lilo Mugshot Guy and I’ll use the money my parents gave me for bail to get an exclusive session with Lilo Mugshot Guy.

   90 days of rehab is a long time, but a picture is forever. 

   Thank you, Lilo Mugshot Photographer, for reminding us that life is beautiful and so is Lindsay.




HBGWHEM 52.0 Mia Goth. Dear Blondes, I hope you had a fantastic New Years Eve!!! I bet it was filled with fun and booze and hot guy/girl, girl/girl, girl/Andrej action. Hi Brunettes, I bet you did some really kewl social justice blogging as the ball was dropping and you were alone, cat by your side, 47 tabs open in Chrome, listening to A$AP Rocky, wearing an oversized men’s t-shirt, snuggling with your warm MacBook charger.     Now that New Years Eve is over, it’s 2013.     Azn people report that 2013 is the year of the snake.     Think about snakes.      What was the first thing you thought of when I mentioned snakes?     Probably that time you women ate that apple and fck’d us over for ever. Now we have to wear pants because you. I hope it was worth it. You haven’t even stuck to your diet. You started out with apples and now you’re eating an entire frozen pizza, while surrounded by empty diet coke cans.     Or maybe snakes make you you think of the time that BritBrit danced with the snake. That was good. She can’t dance with snakes now because she has kids. Could you imagine if the snake ate Sean Preston Federline-Spears? Do you know how many people on twitter would make “Did a dingo eat your baby” style jokes? It would be a nightmare. Luckily, Britney would still have the other kid because she really Jessica Simpson’d those youngin’s out. Then she bounced back, while Jessica… well she just bounces.     But probably, most of you, when I said “Snake”, thought about this moment:      Sorry to bring up bad memories, but, yes, Han Solo was murdered by a snake. He is dead and now Star Wars is getting rebooted by that guy JJ Abrams who is so shit, he made a BAD ELLE FANNING MOVIE. That’s like me giving you a bar of gold and you invest it in the New York Jets. ~-~Sports Reference~-~ 2013 blogging. Increasing my fanbase. Covering new ground. Footballs. Superbowl. Touchdown. Redzone. Halftime. Flag on the play. Trade deadline.      Obviously, we all forgave Shia Labeouf for murdering Harrison Ford because that shit ass Indiana Jones movie they made together was worse than that movie where Harrison Ford was a morning news anchor with Regina George. Lets face it, even if Shia didn’t get Harrison, Regina was definitely going to fill his bed with scorpions or something so let’s just be happy Harrison Ford peacefully left us, surging with the extra potent venom of that snake that Shia bought from PetsSmart like two hours before the Kids Choice Awards. Sure, it’s unfortunate that, in the aftermath, the snake got loose in the audience.      Shia = good with neutralizing Decepticons, good at neutralizing Harrison Ford, bad at neutralizing a poisonous snake in the isles of a tween award show.       I think most of you know this about me, but I’m a Shia Labeouf stan.      Yes, I, Tom Reagan, am a Beouffont.      I first got into Shia during that Even Stevens where Shia is dressed as though he was riding penguin, and everyone’s eyes are removed, and they become milk fiends, and there is a cloning machine that kept cloning Stevens’. I sat there, atop my penguin, and I was like, “Finally a kids program that deals with REAL WORLD issues.” Other than the Saved By the Bell where Slater got AIDS, children’s TV usually avoided heavy topics like cloning and milk and eyeball removal in public schools.       We all know that Shia is the 5th best actor of all time, the four ahead of him being: Brit-Brit - Her work in Crossroads. I was SURE she was going to lose her vcard to the Mac guy. She made me BELIEVE it. Taymom - She was great in GG, except for her ~-~trigger warning~-~ inducing vcard loss. She was also great in that Gus Van Sant movie about sk8ter bois. I don’t remember what the name of it was but I think the tag-line was something like, “UR a sk8ter boi, I’ll cya later boy, someone has been murdered in a remote part of town, I rlly wanna date a boy.”  Queen Latifa - The white guy is like “I’m gonna do this,” and the Queen is like “What, no you ain’t,” and he is like, “I drive a compact car,” and there is a flash cut to a scene of big ass Queen Latifa in the little car and she makes a sassy joke about how the car must be for circus midgets, but the scene gets cut from the final movie because the term “midgets” or “the m-word” is deemed too controversial due to the looming NAAMP (National Association for the Advancement of Midget Ppls) boycott.  Gemma - Remember when she was in Pirates? Remember in The Strangers when she murdered Liv Tyler (not with a snake)? That was conflicting for me. On one hand I was like “What Gemma wants, Gemma gets,” but on the other hand I was like, “NO LORD PLEASE SAVE LIV TYLER NO WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY NO LIV. LIVE LIV!!!!”    Shia, 5th best actor of all time, starred in two movies with Megan Fox and then they went on this French TV show that had a “That was easy” Staples button that you could hit if you felt uncomfortable and K-stew hit it like forty times when she went on there because she is kstew. When Shia went on with Megan they were like “How do you da perfect kissing?” and Shia and Megan KISSED. It was erotic.      After that French boner saga, Rosie replaced Megan Fox in Transformers because Megan Fox might have called Michael Bay “Hilter” and I think like they gave her the Pulitzer for being so accurate with a character assessment. Shia had to move on to other movies and, along the way, he met this girl named Carey Mulligan and they fell in love because Shia probably was a big fan of the play “Oliver Twist”.      It was dark days for being a Boueffant, but luckily they broke up because Shia probably said something like, “Other than the weird ass banana scene, An Education has to be the most by-the-numbers, predicatable, dry, boring, girl-porn, ~-~ohhh da expirences~-~ movie ever.” They parted ways because of Wall Street 2. No one left Wall Street 2 unscathed. I think Wall Street 2 was what stopped occupy Wall Street. Everyone was like, “I can’t stand there, what if they think I’m filming a sequel to Wall Street 2.”      After the breakup, Shia was once again a FREE MAN, no longer restrained by Indiana Jones, Victoria’s Secret Hilter or Oliver Twist.      He had the world in his hands and then he met MIA GOTH.      Mia Goth.      MIA GOTH.      M1@ G0th.     DO YOU COMPREHEND THAT NAME?     2013 Best Name Winner: Mia Goth     2013 Best URL: Myspace.com/miagoth     2013 Best All: Mia Goth.     Shia found a girl name Mia Goth.     Here is what I know about Mia Goth. Mia Goth just finished filming “Nymphomaniac” with Shia, Charlotte Gainsbourg (Who was in that insufferable movie about Kiki Dunst having to deal with Oliver Twist’s boyfriend from An Education or maybe it was Jack Bower from 24, either way the movie sucked a bag of Mulligans). Mia Goth is named MIA GOTH.     Mia Goth is clearly 2013.     “Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.  Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.      Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.  Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.” ~ An Unpublished Keats poem     2013 will be Mia Goth’s; and she will share the year with Shia.     I know what you’re asking… ‘Tom, have you even seen Mia Goth act?’ and to that I say, “Did you hear how amazing her name sounded when you said it? Mia Goth. Doesn’t it just feel good?”     You’ll probably follow it up by asking, ‘Tom do you know anything about Mia Goth, at all, besides her name?’ and to that I ask a question back, “Did you just try to dismiss the name Mia Goth? K1ll Urself. Now.”     You’ll probably ask, ‘Tom, isn’t Mia Goth in the new Von Trier movie and when he was promoTing that horrible Kiki Dunst movie, he said that he related to Hilter. His career was taken away from him, how is he making a movie?’ to which I will respond, “No, you only get your career taken away by being a beautiful woman or a gay man and making Hilter comments. Megan and Galliano were blacklisted, but Von Trier has  somehow been Mia Goth-listed. Life is not fair. Life is not fair. The first female prez will be brunette. 2013 is pointless. I am feeling so so so so so so so so Mia Goth.”

HBGWHEM 52.0 Mia Goth.

Dear Blondes, I hope you had a fantastic New Years Eve!!! I bet it was filled with fun and booze and hot guy/girl, girl/girl, girl/Andrej action.

Hi Brunettes, I bet you did some really kewl social justice blogging as the ball was dropping and you were alone, cat by your side, 47 tabs open in Chrome, listening to A$AP Rocky, wearing an oversized men’s t-shirt, snuggling with your warm MacBook charger.

    Now that New Years Eve is over, it’s 2013.

    Azn people report that 2013 is the year of the snake.

    Think about snakes. 

    What was the first thing you thought of when I mentioned snakes?

    Probably that time you women ate that apple and fck’d us over for ever. Now we have to wear pants because you. I hope it was worth it. You haven’t even stuck to your diet. You started out with apples and now you’re eating an entire frozen pizza, while surrounded by empty diet coke cans.

    Or maybe snakes make you you think of the time that BritBrit danced with the snake. That was good. She can’t dance with snakes now because she has kids. Could you imagine if the snake ate Sean Preston Federline-Spears? Do you know how many people on twitter would make “Did a dingo eat your baby” style jokes? It would be a nightmare. Luckily, Britney would still have the other kid because she really Jessica Simpson’d those youngin’s out. Then she bounced back, while Jessica… well she just bounces.

    But probably, most of you, when I said “Snake”, thought about this moment:

HBGWHEM SHIA HARRISON FORD SNAKE

     Sorry to bring up bad memories, but, yes, Han Solo was murdered by a snake. He is dead and now Star Wars is getting rebooted by that guy JJ Abrams who is so shit, he made a BAD ELLE FANNING MOVIE. That’s like me giving you a bar of gold and you invest it in the New York Jets. ~-~Sports Reference~-~ 2013 blogging. Increasing my fanbase. Covering new ground. Footballs. Superbowl. Touchdown. Redzone. Halftime. Flag on the play. Trade deadline.

     Obviously, we all forgave Shia Labeouf for murdering Harrison Ford because that shit ass Indiana Jones movie they made together was worse than that movie where Harrison Ford was a morning news anchor with Regina George. Lets face it, even if Shia didn’t get Harrison, Regina was definitely going to fill his bed with scorpions or something so let’s just be happy Harrison Ford peacefully left us, surging with the extra potent venom of that snake that Shia bought from PetsSmart like two hours before the Kids Choice Awards. Sure, it’s unfortunate that, in the aftermath, the snake got loose in the audience.

     Shia = good with neutralizing Decepticons, good at neutralizing Harrison Ford, bad at neutralizing a poisonous snake in the isles of a tween award show. 

     I think most of you know this about me, but I’m a Shia Labeouf stan.

     Yes, I, Tom Reagan, am a Beouffont.

     I first got into Shia during that Even Stevens where Shia is dressed as though he was riding penguin, and everyone’s eyes are removed, and they become milk fiends, and there is a cloning machine that kept cloning Stevens’. I sat there, atop my penguin, and I was like, “Finally a kids program that deals with REAL WORLD issues.” Other than the Saved By the Bell where Slater got AIDS, children’s TV usually avoided heavy topics like cloning and milk and eyeball removal in public schools. 

     We all know that Shia is the 5th best actor of all time, the four ahead of him being:

Brit-Brit - Her work in Crossroads. I was SURE she was going to lose her vcard to the Mac guy. She made me BELIEVE it.

Taymom - She was great in GG, except for her ~-~trigger warning~-~ inducing vcard loss. She was also great in that Gus Van Sant movie about sk8ter bois. I don’t remember what the name of it was but I think the tag-line was something like, “UR a sk8ter boi, I’ll cya later boy, someone has been murdered in a remote part of town, I rlly wanna date a boy.” 

Queen Latifa - The white guy is like “I’m gonna do this,” and the Queen is like “What, no you ain’t,” and he is like, “I drive a compact car,” and there is a flash cut to a scene of big ass Queen Latifa in the little car and she makes a sassy joke about how the car must be for circus midgets, but the scene gets cut from the final movie because the term “midgets” or “the m-word” is deemed too controversial due to the looming NAAMP (National Association for the Advancement of Midget Ppls) boycott. 

Gemma - Remember when she was in Pirates? Remember in The Strangers when she murdered Liv Tyler (not with a snake)? That was conflicting for me. On one hand I was like “What Gemma wants, Gemma gets,” but on the other hand I was like, “NO LORD PLEASE SAVE LIV TYLER NO WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY NO LIV. LIVE LIV!!!!”

   Shia, 5th best actor of all time, starred in two movies with Megan Fox and then they went on this French TV show that had a “That was easy” Staples button that you could hit if you felt uncomfortable and K-stew hit it like forty times when she went on there because she is kstew. When Shia went on with Megan they were like “How do you da perfect kissing?” and Shia and Megan KISSED. It was erotic. 

    After that French boner saga, Rosie replaced Megan Fox in Transformers because Megan Fox might have called Michael Bay “Hilter” and I think like they gave her the Pulitzer for being so accurate with a character assessment. Shia had to move on to other movies and, along the way, he met this girl named Carey Mulligan and they fell in love because Shia probably was a big fan of the play “Oliver Twist”.

     It was dark days for being a Boueffant, but luckily they broke up because Shia probably said something like, “Other than the weird ass banana scene, An Education has to be the most by-the-numbers, predicatable, dry, boring, girl-porn, ~-~ohhh da expirences~-~ movie ever.” They parted ways because of Wall Street 2. No one left Wall Street 2 unscathed. I think Wall Street 2 was what stopped occupy Wall Street. Everyone was like, “I can’t stand there, what if they think I’m filming a sequel to Wall Street 2.”

     After the breakup, Shia was once again a FREE MAN, no longer restrained by Indiana Jones, Victoria’s Secret Hilter or Oliver Twist.

     He had the world in his hands and then he met MIA GOTH.

hbgwhem mia goth

     Mia Goth.

     MIA GOTH.

     M1@ G0th.

    DO YOU COMPREHEND THAT NAME?

    2013 Best Name Winner: Mia Goth

    2013 Best URL: Myspace.com/miagoth

    2013 Best All: Mia Goth.

    Shia found a girl name Mia Goth.

    Here is what I know about Mia Goth.

  1. Mia Goth just finished filming “Nymphomaniac” with Shia, Charlotte Gainsbourg (Who was in that insufferable movie about Kiki Dunst having to deal with Oliver Twist’s boyfriend from An Education or maybe it was Jack Bower from 24, either way the movie sucked a bag of Mulligans).
  2. Mia Goth is named MIA GOTH.

    Mia Goth is clearly 2013.

    “Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. 

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. 

    Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. 

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.”

~ An Unpublished Keats poem

    2013 will be Mia Goth’s; and she will share the year with Shia.

    I know what you’re asking… ‘Tom, have you even seen Mia Goth act?’ and to that I say, “Did you hear how amazing her name sounded when you said it? Mia Goth. Doesn’t it just feel good?”

    You’ll probably follow it up by asking, ‘Tom do you know anything about Mia Goth, at all, besides her name?’ and to that I ask a question back, “Did you just try to dismiss the name Mia Goth? K1ll Urself. Now.”

    You’ll probably ask, ‘Tom, isn’t Mia Goth in the new Von Trier movie and when he was promoTing that horrible Kiki Dunst movie, he said that he related to Hilter. His career was taken away from him, how is he making a movie?’ to which I will respond, “No, you only get your career taken away by being a beautiful woman or a gay man and making Hilter comments. Megan and Galliano were blacklisted, but Von Trier has  somehow been Mia Goth-listed. Life is not fair. Life is not fair. The first female prez will be brunette. 2013 is pointless. I am feeling so so so so so so so so Mia Goth.”

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HBGWHEM: 20.5 - MILEY CYRUS COMMITS DOMESTIC TERRORISM.      Do you remember when the most “He’s just bein’ Miley” president of all time was in the White House?      Yes, I’m talking about George W. Bush.      He was a very good president who will always be remembered as a catalyst for truth, justice, and the American way. Plus he had a really poor grasp of the rules of grammar so I related to him.       As we all know, George Bush was the only US president to ever have a 100% approval rating amongst the important people in America (Miley fans).      Now, it’s obvious you’re a surly teen girl. I just know that. Those are the only readers I have.      You hate George W. Bush, but let me know you some FACTS and we’ll see if that changes.       Lets take a look at some statistics.        HANNAH MONTANA PREMIERE - March 24, 2006        Where was George W. Bush on that day?        OH I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE HAVING A MILEY PREMIERE SLEEPOVER PARTY WITH RICK SANTORUM (For the people who don’t know about politics- Santorum is a proud supporter of womens rights and Miley rights. If you love women, make sure you cast you vote for him.)         Still not convinced? Let’s keep digging.       AVERAGE EPISODES PER SEASON OF HANNAH MONTANA        * Average episodes per season length of a Hannah Montana Season under George W. - 28 Episodes! Awesome! Best ever!        *  Average episodes per season length of a Hannah Montana Season under who ever does president stuff now - 13 Episodes! WHY! Bad luck!        George Bush hates terrorism.        The other one hates Miley.        Websters Dictionary defines terrorism as: ter·ror·ism noun \ˈter-ər-ˌi-zəm\ “The systematic use of terror especially as a means of… oh shit, did that dude with the towel on his head just leave his luggage at this boarding gate? Is that package unattended? I mean, yeah, he’s standing by it, but there’s like ten feet between him and the package. Should I call someone? Should I call something? Maybe I’ll just cancel this meeting. It’s not that important anyways. Get your shit together, Webster. Act like everything is fine and quietly exchange your plane ticket.”        Webster was a disgusting bigot.        But the point is, Bush is no longer our president, yet the terror continues.        You can’t even watch that girl from Princess Diaries wear a Catwoman halloween costume without worrying some crazy white kid will come in the studio and give away spoilers on Batman dying at the end. (Spoilers).       I’ve always loved Miley.       In HBGWHEM 20.0 - I celebrated Miley’s 18th Birthday.       In HBGWHEM 20.1 - Miley tought me doing drugs is cool and if you don’t do drugs everyone will hate you so much.       In HBGWHEM 20.2 - I defended Miley’s BFF Anna Oliver.       In HBGWHEM 20.3 - I introduced Miley to my muse, Gemma Lee.       In HBGWHEM 20.4 - I became a journalist and wrote serious journal man pieces about Miley.       HBGWHEM 20. 5 was supposed to be a celebration. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TRIUMPHANT MOMENT AS MILEY BECAME THE ULTIMATE HBGWHEM.       Miley had worked so hard to get the acclaim that 20.5 would bring.       I was so happy with her. Don’t believe me? Here’s how the piece started. It’s still in my drafts.       Okay, that wasn’t exactly the most Miley Celebration post ever, it was more sad drunk virginy, but whatever, the point is, MILEY WAS SUCH A HBGWHEM.       Yesterday (Or a day that is later in the past if you aren’t reading this when August 12 was yesterday) I was riding high off the fact that the queen of America, Kate Moss, was closing the olympics. Not only would I get to see Kate, but I’d also never have to listen to some personalityless dickbag talk about fencing for another 4 years.        Everything was turing up Tom yesterday, then I checked twitter and saw that Miley said she was cutting her hair.        I felt fine about this. Miley has been improving herself like she had beaten all the hookers in GTA to death and taken their money to buy sweet upgrades. Every time Miley has stepped out in 2012, she has looked even better than the last. Why would I be concerned about a girl who knew exactly how to make my HBGWEM needs happen.         Then she posted the picture at the top of this page (minus the memorial text) and I got really scared. I got more scared than how scared Miley would be if she found out the taco she ate earlier in the day had gluten in it. Yes. I was terrified.         I turned off the computer and focused on the TV as Kate Moss and the Spice Girls made everything beautiful and nothing hurt.         Then I turned the computer back on and I saw a picture of Draco from Harry Potter. THEN I REALIZED THAT PICTURE WAS MILEY.         I felt hurt and betrayed. How could Miley do this to me? How could she do this to my blog? Did Miley even consider my blog when she did this? I’m starting to think she didn’t. I was so hurt I called my pal Rick Santorum and he told me this:         I was so thankful that my best friend was the voice of reason.         While I respect Miley’s rights to “just be Miley”, this had crossed the line.         At this point, if I had a pair of scissors and Miley was standing to my left, and to my right was Demi Lovato, I would give Demi the scissors. Yes, it’s come to that.         I’m not just worried about me or my blog or the fact we won’t get cute street style pics of Miley anymore. I’m worried about Miley’s well being.         I know she says that I shouldn’t worry about her, but I can’t shake this image from my mind…

HBGWHEM: 20.5 - MILEY CYRUS COMMITS DOMESTIC TERRORISM.

     Do you remember when the most “He’s just bein’ Miley” president of all time was in the White House?

     Yes, I’m talking about George W. Bush.

     He was a very good president who will always be remembered as a catalyst for truth, justice, and the American way. Plus he had a really poor grasp of the rules of grammar so I related to him.

      As we all know, George Bush was the only US president to ever have a 100% approval rating amongst the important people in America (Miley fans).

     Now, it’s obvious you’re a surly teen girl. I just know that. Those are the only readers I have.

     You hate George W. Bush, but let me know you some FACTS and we’ll see if that changes.

      Lets take a look at some statistics.

       HANNAH MONTANA PREMIERE - March 24, 2006

       Where was George W. Bush on that day?

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       OH I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE HAVING A MILEY PREMIERE SLEEPOVER PARTY WITH RICK SANTORUM (For the people who don’t know about politics- Santorum is a proud supporter of womens rights and Miley rights. If you love women, make sure you cast you vote for him.)

        Still not convinced? Let’s keep digging.

      AVERAGE EPISODES PER SEASON OF HANNAH MONTANA

       * Average episodes per season length of a Hannah Montana Season under George W. - 28 Episodes! Awesome! Best ever!

       *  Average episodes per season length of a Hannah Montana Season under who ever does president stuff now - 13 Episodes! WHY! Bad luck!

       George Bush hates terrorism.

       The other one hates Miley.

       Websters Dictionary defines terrorism as:

ter·ror·ism

noun \ˈter-ər-ˌi-zəm\

“The systematic use of terror especially as a means of… oh shit, did that dude with the towel on his head just leave his luggage at this boarding gate? Is that package unattended? I mean, yeah, he’s standing by it, but there’s like ten feet between him and the package. Should I call someone? Should I call something? Maybe I’ll just cancel this meeting. It’s not that important anyways. Get your shit together, Webster. Act like everything is fine and quietly exchange your plane ticket.”


       Webster was a disgusting bigot.


       But the point is, Bush is no longer our president, yet the terror continues.

       You can’t even watch that girl from Princess Diaries wear a Catwoman halloween costume without worrying some crazy white kid will come in the studio and give away spoilers on Batman dying at the end. (Spoilers).

      I’ve always loved Miley.

      In HBGWHEM 20.0 - I celebrated Miley’s 18th Birthday.

      In HBGWHEM 20.1 - Miley tought me doing drugs is cool and if you don’t do drugs everyone will hate you so much.

      In HBGWHEM 20.2 - I defended Miley’s BFF Anna Oliver.

      In HBGWHEM 20.3 - I introduced Miley to my muse, Gemma Lee.

      In HBGWHEM 20.4 - I became a journalist and wrote serious journal man pieces about Miley.

      HBGWHEM 20. 5 was supposed to be a celebration. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TRIUMPHANT MOMENT AS MILEY BECAME THE ULTIMATE HBGWHEM.

      Miley had worked so hard to get the acclaim that 20.5 would bring.

      I was so happy with her. Don’t believe me? Here’s how the piece started. It’s still in my drafts.

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      Okay, that wasn’t exactly the most Miley Celebration post ever, it was more sad drunk virginy, but whatever, the point is, MILEY WAS SUCH A HBGWHEM.

      Yesterday (Or a day that is later in the past if you aren’t reading this when August 12 was yesterday) I was riding high off the fact that the queen of America, Kate Moss, was closing the olympics. Not only would I get to see Kate, but I’d also never have to listen to some personalityless dickbag talk about fencing for another 4 years.

       Everything was turing up Tom yesterday, then I checked twitter and saw that Miley said she was cutting her hair.

       I felt fine about this. Miley has been improving herself like she had beaten all the hookers in GTA to death and taken their money to buy sweet upgrades. Every time Miley has stepped out in 2012, she has looked even better than the last. Why would I be concerned about a girl who knew exactly how to make my HBGWEM needs happen.

        Then she posted the picture at the top of this page (minus the memorial text) and I got really scared. I got more scared than how scared Miley would be if she found out the taco she ate earlier in the day had gluten in it. Yes. I was terrified.

        I turned off the computer and focused on the TV as Kate Moss and the Spice Girls made everything beautiful and nothing hurt.

        Then I turned the computer back on and I saw a picture of Draco from Harry Potter. THEN I REALIZED THAT PICTURE WAS MILEY.

        I felt hurt and betrayed. How could Miley do this to me? How could she do this to my blog? Did Miley even consider my blog when she did this? I’m starting to think she didn’t. I was so hurt I called my pal Rick Santorum and he told me this:

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        I was so thankful that my best friend was the voice of reason.

        While I respect Miley’s rights to “just be Miley”, this had crossed the line.

        At this point, if I had a pair of scissors and Miley was standing to my left, and to my right was Demi Lovato, I would give Demi the scissors. Yes, it’s come to that.

        I’m not just worried about me or my blog or the fact we won’t get cute street style pics of Miley anymore. I’m worried about Miley’s well being.

        I know she says that I shouldn’t worry about her, but I can’t shake this image from my mind…

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Sky Ferreira for HBGWHEM

Sky Ferreira for HBGWHEM




0.1 Taylor Momsen’s Dreams Are Ruining My Taylor Momsen Dreams

http://cdn.idolator.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/taylor-momsen-magazine-500x605.jpg  

  Today I decided to take a break from constantly thinking about Taylor Momsen and I thought about what Taylor Momsen thinks about. It’s part of my crusade to become a better person by considering others feelings.

    I’ve found when I consider other’s feelings it is boring and I’ve decided that I just want people to do whatever I want them to do.

    If people I don’t do what I decide they should be doing, I will write a blog post about it in on my incredibly popular blog. Since I do not have an incredibly popular blog, I’ve decided to post my rants on HBGWHEM.

    The Gossip Girl hiatus just started (unless you are reading it at a time when that is untrue, then please just imagine I said DAPHNE GROENEVELD for this first sentence) and I realized it’s been over a year (again, there are time differences so keep GROENEVELDING for this part) since Taylor Momsen has been on the once great Gossip Girl. Isn’t that sort of weird? Isn’t that sort of weird that Blair was like “Oh, Jenny Humphrey, you slag, you are banished from Manhattan,” and since then everyone was just like, “OH OKAY! WELL, BLAIR MADE UP A FAKE BAN, BETTER FOLLOW IT. GUESS I CAN’T CELEBRATE MY DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY ANYMORE. BLAIR SAID SO AND WROTE AN IMAGINARY DOCTRINE IN INVISIBLE INK THAT IS LEGALLY BINDING.”

     Eric is gone now too and they haven’t even mentioned that. Eric isn’t even fake banned from NYC. As the only gay character on the show (except for Vanessa that one time with Hil Duff) (WTF she’s gone too! GG Antigay Homophobe Scandal brewing… xoxo) it seems that they would want to explain Eric being gone. This way it doesn’t seem like the Roades-Humphrey-Bass-Vanderwoodsens sent Eric away for being gay.  You’re telling me that the Gossip Girl writers can’t think of one thing that a gay man could have left NYC to do? The entire show is straight characters doing things in NYC that a gay man would do!

    Do you remember when Jenny was on Gossip Girl and we had things like plotlines and an actual high schooler in actual school where Gossip Girl would actually have some sort of impact. Do you know how hard it is to watch receding hairline Chuck Bass strut out in a suit like, “Just got back from an important meeting and OH WAIT PHONE JUST WENT OFF IS IT A BUSINESS CALL ABOUT MY BUSINESS BECAUSE I’M A BUSINESS MAN.” Chuck looks at his phone and Kristen Bell is all like, “Looks like B was spotted having BikiniTini’s with Lonelyboy, but is her bikini getting too teeny?” AND THEN THE SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN THINKS ABOUT THIS LINE OF TWADDLE. Then someone Kristen Bell is probably saved as she jumps out of a window of a CW recording studio like that AZN bride lady who jumped out the window in her wedding dress. I think the point of this paragraph was that I’d like Taylor Momsen to return to Gossip Girl.

HBGWHEM, HBGWHEM    

    Taylor left to pursue her music, with her band of guys who I won’t say anything bad about because they just seem like a bunch of old perverts who are obsessed with Taylor Momsen and that’s not a crime. Right? RIGHT? GUYS. FUCK. IS THAT A CRIME? CAN GUY GO TO JAIL FOR THAT? NO/ NO/ NO/ MY LIFE IS OVER.

     So yeah, I’m a huge TPR fan. Here are some posts I’ve made about Tay’s music: 1, 2, 3. My favorite Taymom song is Zombie. Oh speaking of Zombies remember when she posed in Revovler as a zombie hunter. If you don’t remember here is a picture to fap to   fap to   fap to   fap to  admire.

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    Taylor, here is another thing you want to do! I want you to go on GG and when Rufus is like, “Oh/// sorry… I replaced you with that random bitch Charlie Rose that no one likes but had to be a full time cast member because we killed Eric for being gay, where were you?”

    And Taymom will be like, “I was killing zombies.”

   Which Rufus will be like, “What about your fashion? You loved working in Eleanor’s atelier.”

    And then Serena will bound into the room like “Guess what creepy professors cock I’m sucking now!” then Taymom will cut her head off.

    Rufus will be mad but only because he’s a stay at home bitch now and he probably just cleaned up after early morning waffles and now Blake’s blood is staining a rug he spent all month looking a samples for. Lily will understand why her daughter’s head was cut off because she will be like, “Well she always did announciate like a zombie,” and everyone will be like, “loloolololololololool.” Then when the laughing stops Lily will be like, “Well at least I still have my other child, Charlie Rose.

     Taymom has been pretty successful with her music. She even went on tour with Eveneance. I went to see them perform at the Prudential Center in Newark so that I could throw my size small boxer briefs on stage when Taymom performed and it was amazing! Those old pervs in the bad are really good at doing instruments or something probably I think they might have been there, IDK, I was focused on Taymom. After the Taymom concert I stayed for Evanesance which is a band created by a mildly overweight goth so that morbidly overweight goths would have a fashion icon besides Robert Smith. At the end of their show they gave me their setlist!!! (HBGWHEM EXCLUSIVE PICTURE)

HBGWHEM, HBGWHEM

     Taylor Momsen has already achieved her dreams at eighteen. I think it’s truly remarkable, but now I think it’s time that Taylor Momsen achieves my dreams beceause I don’t want to be selfish or anything, I just have an extreme inability to care about the feelings, emotions or thoughts of others and that is probably a disability and the worst thing anyone can do is not grant the grandiose narcissistic wishes of the disabled so, starting now, Taylor Momsen you have to live in my crappy Newark apartment.

xoxo Tommy Boy.




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Themed by: Hunson