A club for Hot Blonde Girls With Heavy Eye Makeup.
HBGWHEM recognizes only the finest hot blonde girls with heavy eye makeup so if:
1. You aren't hot->
2. You aren't blonde->
3. You don't wear heavy eye makeup->
You pretty much have a 0.00% chance of ever being someone this blog will care about. I'm sure there is probably some blog that would give a shit about you, maybe you can try: worthlessnothingslob.tumblr.usuck
if you are a literary agent and want to read any or all of my fiction manuscripts, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
If you're a HBGWHEM and you are over 20, then you can be featured on here, just contact me. If you're brunette, then dye your hair and go to Walgreens for some makeup.
Here is a countdown of the most popular HBGWHEM posts written in 2012, as per statcounter.
(Robert Pattinson Audiobook available wherever blog audio transcripts are sold) (Enter coupon code KarlieKlossShittySupercutsHaircut for 20% off at checkout!)
10th most popular post-> I became a Blieber and stanned for Selena in a video, but then Bieber wanted to get up in B-Balv’s body for sex and now my Selena stanning is something I don’t want to repeat-peat-peat.
8. Speaking of mental breakdowns, here’s a post I wrote about my Mischa Barton campaign MONY2012. Donate here (yes this really is her depressing ass webstore.)
7. I wrote a requiem for my muse, Gemma Lee, when she left the internet to go have actual experiences with other human beings. Boo Boo Stewart despite being the finest actor since Gary Oldman, is not a good blogger and he took over Gemma’s blog, much to my dismay.
6. I wrote a “really disgustingly racist” post about the worst model of our generation, Ming Xi and the ultra supreme Azn, Soo Joo.
5. My twin Walter Montgomery pretended I died in Hurricane Sandy because I wrote a “disgustingly racist” post about the worst model of our generation, Ming Xi.
4.Walter Montgomery stole my blog again after I wrote my #1 most popular post and anonymous people sent me messages like this one:
3. I campaigned against women’s rights with Rick Santorum in this post when Miley used her rights to chop off her bun and become p!nk=(
2. Literally no one else cares about this besides me, but I find you all retched anyway so I don’t care and I’m using my blog powers to make this number 2.
After I spent 8 straight days making this video and Bambi ignored it. Then I made this video when I was holding back tears and this post where I tried to get her attention and about fifty other mentions of Bambi, she finally acknowledged me.
Technically, my #1 post of the year was a post articulately titled “1f U Luv Summink Lettergo. 1f 1t cumz bacc, make her urz 5eva” that got 452 notes, but I think no one actually read it and reblogged the picture- that’s why it’s not on the list. The next post got me attention I hadn’t seen since what will forever be known as “The Great Andrej Dick Confusion of 2011”.
1. My most popular piece was about my two least favorite things in the world, tumblr special snowflakes and Cara D. If either of those things describe you, read the post, unfollow me and move to one of those states in the middle of the country where no one can find you. Not one of the good ones that gave us HBGWHEM Jillian or precious angel Wixson… go to New Mexico. Where is that? Exactly. That state seems like it has self confidence issues, like you do. If you were a state, you would definitely name yourself New Mexico. It would be roll call and they would be going through everyone picking their names and Washington would be like “I’m going to be Washington after the famous general!” and Maine would be like “I’m Maine because I’m the main motherfucker on this map” and Arizona would be like “I’m Arizona, like Tom’s amazing subtumblr FrejArizona,” then it would get to you and you’d be like, “I’m… New Mexico because people keep putting up walls to keep me away =( .”
I don’t know any Brazilians besides Trentini, Gisele, and the guy who empties our trashcans at work. Gisele and Trentini are almost six feet tall. The Brazilian Trashman is 5’1”. He knows three languages, French, English and Portuguese. Seven times he has informed me that Portuguese isn’t a language, it’s a secret code. He laughs after he says that. It seems like the “That’s what she said” of Brazil. If I ever meet Trentini, I will say that to her.
I often ask the Brazilian trashman for other facts about Brazil that I could tell models and he could only inform me that they have a woman president and that when it’s summer here, it’s winter there. LIKE AUSTRALIA. COPY MUCH, BRAZIL? Then he told me how to open the coconuts at Whole Foods and I’m like “How the fuck do you shop at Whole Foods, but I get shooed away if I start to angle my body in the general direction of the Whole Foods next to the Bestbuy on Springfield Ave.” He laughs, then usually tries to get some gum unstuck from the guys trash can who sits next to me.
Clearly the Brazilians have a rivalry with the Australians… and it just esculated FAST.
GEMMA LEE’S TUMBLR AND TWITTER HAVE DISAPPEARED.
We’re all worried now that Gemma has disappeared from the internet.
Gemma has been up to so much since we last profiled her in the history pages of HBGWHEM. So much has changed.
First off, HBGWHEM has gained like three followers, so thank you gay pornography / pictures of Paris Hilton DJ’ing blog. I commend your dedication to a theme on your tumblr. Some people like their page all earthtone editorials or black and white photography. You have pared your theme down to men being sodomized and Paris Hilton standing next to turntables- which is pretty restrictive, but also very cohesive. Your follow was very warmly received, unlike the penis’ jammed in that gentlemans mouth on your page.
Second, Gemma Lee, based on her growing HBGWHEM fanbase, became a series regular on… some Australian show that wasn’t Summer Heights High. I’m just going to assume it’s like the Australian Degrassi and Gemma Lee played the one character without AIDS. This means she was the “edgy outsider”. It also means she wasn’t allowed to participate in gym class. Gemma Lee once posted a screenshot from the show, which, hopefully, was called Gemma Lee Takes Television or maybe something not as subtle. Maybe just GEMMA LEE in all caps with lasers shooting out of the legs on the E’s and the lasers were murdering peoples uptight liberal parents.
Next, Gemma Lee + The Wannabees, Gemma Lee’s band, has broken all the previous music records they set earlier and I think they might actually release a song soon.
Next, two of the axis of evil groups, the Brazilians, and the gingers, have teamed up and overtaken gemmalee.tumblr.com
As you can see, a ginger and Brazlian Boo Boo Stewart have taken over Gemma Lee’s web presence and turned it into some sort of thing that I can’t tell if it’s legit, or if it’s like those emails you probably get from time to time that are from some bootleg name like Cory Williams. They have a subject like “Hello There”. You’re like, “My circle of friends is so sad I bet I am friends with someone named Cory Williams, and they think that ‘Hello there’ is an acceptable way to start a conversation,” so you open the e-mail and you see it’s just a link. At that point, you never click the link. I bet, if you did click the link, it would take you to the Brazilian Booboo Stewart’s tumblr.
Their side information is “Faith, friends, photos, tea, Edgar Allan Poe”. Gemma Lee’s blog didn’t contain any of these elements, except for, like, photos, but it’s hard to hate a photo of Gemma Lee (if you aren’t Brazilian) so it would be unrealistic for Gemma Lee to hate photos and not include them.
I wanted to add some pictures to this post because that’s seems to help when little white children go missing, so I looked in the Gemma Lee tag on tumblr to see what was there. Other than my linguistic triumphs, there was this one video, in three different posts (love tumblr ppl) that was tagged with “Gemma Lee” and “Australia” and I was like yessss this is Gemma Lee + The Wannabees new video.
IT’S NOT. It’s some shit called “Muther Of All Things by Joe Morris” and I still don’t know how to post videos so here is a summary in picture form:
Here is a summary in word form: This video is posted on vimeo so it must be very “kewl kids klub” and indie. There will probably be a titty popping out at some point. It doesn’t matter. My body, my life. We’re young. We’ll never look this good again. Unless we start doing paladies. Then we might look better. Or we might just get muscle tone. No one wants to get too Klossy.
So I start the video and some bitch who isn’t Gemma Lee wakes up and she does that Ke$ha thing where you can wake up feeling like someone and you assume their indentity and you make a dance rap song or summik. Within the first few seconds of the song, the music says “Target Commercial”, but the lyrics literally say “Dead Babies”, which is probably why it’s on vimeo. The band was like “Okay, we can either say “pretty ladies” here and get the video on youtube, or we can say “Dead Babies” and we will have to post it on vimeo.” The lead singer stopped pushing his target cart full of dead babies and was like “pretty ladies” is good, lets use that, but somehow in post production it said “Dead Babies” on the the song, probably because the souls of the babies haunt this track (in lil Mossimo brand jumpers).
Then the video gets good and they cut to some HBGWHEM reading Vogue AUS and that literally lasts shorter than a baby’s life at Joe Morris’ house because some bogan starts hippie dancing on a skateboard. I bet when she rode by someone said, “That is vimeo as fuck”. They reveal that the girl who stole Gemma’s identity, lives in a trailer, but it is a chic bogan trailer where you don’t dwell on the fact that there is no running water so you have to shit outside, like you’re an animal; or in a bucket in the center of the room, like you’re Lady Gaga. The middle part of the video is just people doing menial bullshit like holding a soda. THEN *MNIGHT TWIST* the bogans are lesbians who love BBQ and showing each other their dime sized tattoos. “A sun, that is the first sun tattoo I have seen in all of Australia” one of the bogans seems to say, but we can’t hear because Joe Morris’ girlfriend won’t shut the fuck up. Joe Morris might be a band that is two people. Like Mates of State, but more into infant brutality. Or maybe equally into it. That one Mate of State looks like he could go AWOL at any moment.
One of the bogans is doing chores, watering the grass, but she is like JK “I DONT DO CHORES! FUCK YOU MOM, YOU SLAG!” then she sprays her friends with the hose and the girl who stole Gemma’s personality seems afraid of the running water. Next they go in the pool to wash the water off. The other girls drink by the pool, but not the HBGWHEM because she has to be alert for when she drowns both these dullards she calls friends. Then they surf because they probably couldn’t find a bowie knife to complete all the Australian cliches. Is a bowie knife called a bowie knife, is that how it’s spelled? It seems like anyone who owns a bowie knife, probably would like to see Bowie knifed. The HBGWHEM builds a fire because she is smart and not drunk. She remembers that her friends have tattoos and those markings will distinguish them when CSI comes, so the fire will char everything beyond recognition. At the end, there are credits. They are all very small, but if they try to contend that Gemma Lee was involved in this in any way, I hope their vimeo account gets shut down forever.
Clearly, between the Brazilian anon hate, BrazBooBoo Stewart and the stealing of Gemma Lee’s identity to further the bogan initiative, we MUST find Gemma Lee and we MUST bring her back to the internet.
If you have any information (Oh my gosh, please don’t send me anything, this is just a bit, I’m really not this creepy) regarding the whereabouts of this girl, please use the SUBMIT section of HBWHEM.
19.3/16.3/18.3/31.1/32.1/33.1 Gemma Lee, the Wannabees, Tsunamis
There was an earthquake, or tsunami, or both, in Japan. I don’t know how a tsunami works, mostly I just see the name on energy drink cans. There might be lightning bolts in a tsunami; there usually are on the cans of tsunami drink. It’s not just an energy drink though, it’s also a weather thing that did a ton of damage in Japan. iPod Touches will probably cost a million dollars now. HBGWHEM Stock Tip: Invest in iPod Touches.
This is a very sad thing and I’m not going to joke about it (unless I think of good jokes while I’m writing this), but I had to bring it up because, earlier in the year, a natural disaster happened in Australia. It was the worst disaster to happen to Australia eve- wait- it was the second worst disaster to ever happen to Australia, I think we all know what the first is…
I know what you’re thinking and YES, Gemma Lee is okay. YES, Gemma Ward is also A-O-K. YES, Jessica Hart is in mint condition, I just had dinner with her for Valentines Day. YES AbbeyBaby is fine, except she’s a little bruised from when HBGWHEM LARAAAA pushed her to SAVE HER FROM A TSUNAMI LIGHTNING BOLT (More on that later).
I waited a while to write this to make sure that Gemma Lee and my other Australian loves were okay and now HGBWHEM has confirmation that they are better than okay, it’s time to discuss what happened.
There was a flood.
Not the type of flood that we needed to put all the animals in a boat, but it was close.
Gemma Lee lives on the continent of Australia. She is the most famous pop star there, just like she is in the far superior in every way besides girls, country of the US.
Australia is one of those continents that is an island. It does not have to share it’s name like North/South America. I’m not saying it makes it better than America, I’m just saying it makes Australia unique.
At first, they didn’t know what started the flood, but it could be Baz Lurman, the guy who did that cool Romeo + Juliet movie with Leo Decaprio before he got fatface. Baz might have taken some artistic liberities because John Linquezamo was in the movie and I don’t think hispanic people were created yet in Shakespearean times. In fact, there weren’t enough ladies in Shakespearean times so they had to use guys for their girl parts, but whatever, Baz Luhrman is the guy who did that Moulin Rouge movie where HBGWHEM Nicole (forgot to give her a number the last two posts so now she’s HBGWHEM 31. Update your records accordingly) was so good that I watched the entire movie even though it was a musical. All those seem like good things, right? Well, recently, Baz tried to ruin Australia by releasing Australia: the movie. It sucked and it was the worst disaster to ever hit the continent, but Australia came back stronger than ever and made tons of pretty models. It was the greatest comeback since that one Superbowl I watched where the New York Giants beat Gisele’s husband and it had long lasting historical impact and it probably sold a lot of t-shirts that sanitation workers wear on the weekend.
This disaster was much different than what is going on for Japan. As soon as Japan happened, Nicky Hilton (The Unblonde Hilton WGAFR?) changed her icon to a little asian person and she started tweeting about how it ruined her night of having zero responsibilities besides merely eating and breathing. When the flood happened in Australia, here is a sample of Nicky Hilton’s tweets-> *I’m a worthless cunt. tee hee. (Okay, I might have made that up. I didn’t want to go through all Nicki’s tweets, there are a lot of them. I know right? why does Nicki Hilton have a lot of tweets? What’s she reporting on? What information does she possess that needs to be disseminated to mass society via short 140 messages? Maybe she did tweet that? Maybe that is the information she’s sending out?)
The flooding was crazy, remember the map I showed you before, well here’s a map of the disaster:
Gemma Lee wrote some journalistic pieces about what happened and it was very scary to read what she was going through, but you know that Gemma Lee is probably, like, immortal or something so floods can’t hurt her. Here’s a link to her tumblr where she wrote it, I don’t want to steal it, I already use her enough for blog hits. Gemma Lee will definately win the Pulitzer prize this year for her reporting. They should just stop bothering with news things because Gemma Lee is already going to win all the awards for news and news related stuff and cute outfits. They should just turn the New York Times into a picturebook or something because their news stories will look pathetic next to Gemma Lee’s journalistic triumph.
Here’s a statement from the newspaper who reprinted Gemma Lee’s reporting:
There is probably lots of stuff that Gemma Lee kept out of her journalistic articles because she was afraid it would look like “bragging”. Gemma Lee is always so incredibly modest so it’s no surpise she would do this. In my head, a lot of the time, I imagined Gemma Lee fighting the flood by putting kittens in little boats to make sure that their lil fur didn’t have to get wet.
It probably happened.
But Gemma Lee couldn’t save the continent alone, she needed help. Since Nicky Hilton or Sean Penn or Wyclef where unwilling to help, one HBGWHEM who is always ready to help others sprang into action.
This worked and the flood stopped, but there were two issues.
ABBEYBABY WAS MISSING
2. I forgot to give ABBEYBABY a HBGWHEM number.
We easily solved the first issue and made ABBEYBABY, HBGWHEM 32.1, but we still had to find her to tell her the good news.
Gemma Lee was busy being an international popstar so she had to call in a friend to help her.
Lara Stone arrived and, with Jessica Hart, then canoed around Australia looking for defensless lil’ ABBEYBABY. After long hours of searching, Jessica Hart saw something…
As Jessica Hart was pulling Abbey out of the water, LARAAAAA saw a lightning bolt from the tsunami and she pushed ABBEYBABY out of harms way!
Everyone was safe and happy!!!!!! (except for Abbey who was also kinda bruised and very hungry for some packs of baby food).
I want to address the tumblr rumor that the world is ending. The world is not ending. Bad floods have happened to HBGWHEMs for thousands of years. Here is a HBGWHEM kit to protect yourself if you should find your country with lots of tsunnamis. (if they are the drink tsumani, you should mix them with vodka and then have a wild night) (if it is the tsunami that is the water one, you need the following: Maybelline Unstoppable smudge proof eyeliner, Dior Backstage Waterproof eye shadow, and a smudge proof lipstick)
I know that the world isn’t ending because ABBEYBABY told me in an exclusive interview that she knows why Australia was flooded. Here’s the exclusive clip:
Um. Yeah. So it was aliens? So. Um. Okay. Do with that information what you will. Thank you… Abbey Lee… for… whatever that was. Your hands kind of scare me, ngl. BUT YOU’RE SAFE!
I haven’t heard from any of the Wannabees (of Gemma Lee and the Wannabees fame) and that explains the lack of recent leaks.
My source on the most popular post in HBGWHEM history hasn’t sent me any new information. She probably drowned in the flood. But W/e because the group is really just about Gemma Lee and the other people were there because we haven’t figured out how to clone Gemma Lee into a full band yet.
Gemma Lee did leak information regarding her new project:
And HBGWHEM has noticed that she’s been mentioning spending a lot of time with a musician only named as “Nick” in a collaboration that seems verryyy close.
Who is this mysterious Nick character who is joining Gemma Lee + the Wannabees because all the other wannabees died horribly deaths during the floods?
HBGWHEM has narrowed it down to three musical Nicks.
It could be Nick Cave. He scored a really good Brad Pitt movie called “The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford”. That’s a very long title for a movie, but it’s worth every letter when you see how good it is.
It could be Nick Jonas. This would be an ideal situation because Nick Jonas lives in New Jersey near Tom and so Gemma Lee can just come to New Jersey and live here and that way I won’t have to wait for one of The Wannabees to come back from the dead to leak new information for my blog.
It could also be Nick Lachey. I don’t really know what his music is like besides a two episode arch he did on One Tree Hill during season 7 and he seemed like an okay singer and maybe he can introduce me to Shantel from OTH so this would be good too.
Gemma Lee’s project is listed as “early”, but it might benefit her to speed up the record cycle.
Britney just put out the album of the year.
Here’s my last.fm listens from the past week to show just how obsessed I am with this album.
Even when I dropped hits at the end of the Britney post about someone sending in TIPS I got nothing. Is Britney gaining on Gemma Lee?
That’s not the only HBGWHEM who is working on music right now. I have exclusive information that HBGWHEM… shit. Okay. I also forgot to give Jillian a HBGWHEM number. This whole number system is becom- Jillian is HBGWHEM 33.1. Also, remember these numbers aren’t in order of hotness. No one is saying that Jillian is less hot than Wixson, let’s not talk shit here.
Now that that’s handled, here’s the information I have on Jillian’s new album:
Or did another HBGWHEM destroy Jillian’s guitar… not naming any names but…
How great is that picture?
Does Jillian follow Gemma Lee on tumblr? I’m not sure. Does Gemma Lee follow Jillian on tumblr? Does Jillian follow Gemma Lee on twitter? Does Gemma Lee follow Jillian on twitter? Do they DM each other? Did Gemma Lee send secret Nick to kick in Jillian’s guitar as a sign that Gemma Lee won’t tolerate other HBGWHEM’s trying to steal her pop fame? These are questions that can only be answered via the Tip line.
Gemma Lee has successfully stopped the Queen of HGWHEMs, Kate Moss from releasing an album so it will be interesting to see if Jillian’s album ever sees the light of day or if her dreams will end up like her guitar.
Even though we don’t have a Kate album, her hubby’s new album “The Kills – Blood Pressures” comes out today. I like the Kills and I will support anyone that Kate co-signs, but you have to wonder, will this new album inspire Kate to record her album? Was she serious when she said that she would challenge Gemma Lee?
For now, the water has receded and Australia survived the flood, just like HBGWHEM Nicole survived being in Australia.
That doesn’t mean the work is done there though…
HBGWHEM will be taking up a collection where 100% of the proceeds will go to figuring out how to clone Gemma Lee so that the band can be Gemma Lee and the Gemma Lees (partly because this sounds hot) (and partly because all the wannabees drowned).
Actually no, that above thing was a joke (unless we make enough money to make it feasible) but we are taking up a collection for those (Gemma Lee) who were affected by the Australian flood. Please send all checks to:
Not sure if they have zipcodes or area codes.
and I’m sure the letter will reach her. Know that the money that you send will be invested in the best way possible… buying Gemma Lee this cute shit:
In the end, Australia has been saved, ABBEYBABY is safe, Lara Stone is dried off, STAM has a high phone bill, Nicole just put out a great movie “The Rabbit Hole”, Britney just put out a great album “Femme Fatale”, Kate is Kate, Jillian just got a new guitar and:
HBGWHEM 19.2/20.2/22.2/ Tom Is a Journalist Now and He’s Leaking Things
The much hyped HBGWHEM 19.2, 20.2, 22.2
Prepare yourself for dirt, scandal, leaks and other things that will hopefully be so interesting that it turns your hair blonde.
With the beginning of 2011 upon me, I reflected on my life.
I started thinking about my writing. Since no one wants to publish my shitty manuscripts, everyone always tells me that the only way I will escape the business world and achieve literary greatness is if I become a reporter.
This is a topic that I briefly explored in 2010.
The catalyst for my experimenting arrived when my friend told me he had inside information, like the type of inside information that sent HBGWHEM Martha Stewart to jail.
I took the inside information because cake makes people fat and I figured I’d rather be skinny in jail, than fat and free. Obesity is the worst prison there is.
The inside information was that hulu was tired of giving away episodes of “Human Target” and other piece of shit shows that no one really watches, for free. His source said that hulu would start charging money for the shows on some sort of subscription thing, sort of like how you pay for a year of Vogue, except, instead of getting this amazing magazine filled with HBGWHEMs every month, all you get with HULU Plus is all (?number?) of seasons of Human Target on demand. You don’t really need these episodes unless your life is really that shit that you need to watch Human Target on demand and if that’s the case then save your money for a bottle of Windex and drink that instead of getting hulu Plus. It’s cheaper and will probably make you feel better than an episode of Human Target.
I thought, “YESSS, this is my time to become a journalist. I will write a piece about this and then everyone will read it and I’ll get other jobs being a journalist, like Clark Kent. Maybe I will fuck someone that looks like Teri Hatcher, except not old and not brunette and with a better wardrobe and with better makeup and hopefully with a less creepy smile.”
I sat down at my computer and started thinking, “What should I call this article about hulu being cheap bastards and asking for even more money?” Then I found my title and instantly fell in love. The title also destroyed my dream of becoming a journalist.
That was the name of the piece I wanted to write. You can’t write a journalistic piece like that because journalists can’t be funny or acknowledge stereotypes of even make a comment on what is going on like, “What a bunch of greedy fucks those HULU guys are, am I right?” because apparently that’s editorializing and that’s not allowed in journalism. Plus, I’m pretty sure the only people that read HBGWHEM are jewish girls so I didn’t know if that would offend them or whatever.
After my hujew meltdown, I gave up on journalism, that is until NOW.
As you can see, there is now a Tips Line on the HBGWHEM page. It’s a place where you can go and send me information like, “I saw STAM at the airport and her eye makeup looked really good. Do you think she flies in an airplane like the rest of us or does she use her Victoria’s Secret wings to get from place to place?” or “If Liu Wen was blonde now, but still Asian, could she be a HBGWHEM? I’ve attached a photo of her at a deli for you to review.”
I’m not sure if you can attach photos to the Tip screen and I’m not sure if Liu Wen would dye her hair blonde and I’m not sure if an Asian can be a HBGWHEM, but the point is, this new tip line turned out to get me…. a tip!
One of the Wannabe’s contacted me about HGBWHEM 19.0, Gemma Lee!
If you haven’t caught up, catch up. Gemma Lee is the most famous musical act in the entire world (besides BritBrit, but that’s something, like, obvi). Ever since Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s realeased their debut single, “11 Year Old Us”, it has broken every record ever.
According to the information that I have read in Musical Industry Monthly magazine there was some sort of problem with the music industry because one of Mark Zuckerburgs friends created Napster and you could download any song ever. They made a movie about it called The Social Network that will probably win all the Oscars besides the lady Oscars because there probably weren’t any girls in the movie since it’s all about computers and the music industry. After I read about the music problem, the next magazine I got was like, “LOL JK. The music industry is fine. Gemma Lee saved us all and we made a bunch of money and now Napster costs money because they wanted to make sure that Gemma Lee gets paid for all her hard work.” If you don’t believe me, here is an old white person to repeat this information:
This doesn’t make for a very interesting Behind the Music on Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s so they had to jazz it up and it just so happened that someone jazzed in my “Tips” section! I looked at the tip jazz and it was from the singer of Gemma Lee and the Wannabes! She was really mad that she was the lead singer, but everyone was like, “Yeah, great whatever, we like the song because of (Find out what part of the song Gemma Lee was involved in and paste it here).” This made the wannabee very mad and she said she could give me information on Gemma Lee.
After a couple of gchats I was able to convince the wannabe to tell me some information she had. She told me, specifically about some computer information that only Gemma Lee or Zuckerberg or Zuckerberg’s Napster friend could get their hands on.
The wannabe refused to provide the information.
I said that I was a reporter, like Clark Kent, except I wouldn’t fuck Terry Hatcher like Clark did in Lois and Clark.
This seemed to earn her trust and I was given access to the wannabe’s hard drive.
I quickly found a folder entitled, “Top Secret; Don’t Leak This Because They Already Like Gemma Lee Way More Than Me And This Will Make Them Like Gemma Lee Even More And That’s, Like, Scientifically Not Possible, But Gemma Lee is Immune To Science.”
I clicked on the “Top Secret; Don’t Leak This Because They Already Like Gemma Lee Way More Than Me And This Will Make Them Like Gemma Lee Even More And That’s, Like, Scienfially Not Possible, But Gemma Lee is Immune To Science,” folder and…
Inside. Was. This.
Oh yeah, that’s right, I just leaked a photo of Gemma Lee as a BLONDE.
I told you I had exclusives. I’m like one of those mixtape DJ’s that gets the new Eminem song and then they scream all over it and do that thing where they are like, “Hold up! I don’t think they fuckin’ heard you! Bring that shit back!”
I was gonna write that on a picture, but I didn’t want to destroy the perfection that is Gemma Lee as a blonde!
After I found this, I was like, “Fuck your hard drive, you jealous wannabee, I would never leak information about a HBGWHEM,” and then wannabe was all like, “No, but wait! I’m a jealous whore.” That’s not an exact quote, but it distills the impression I got of the wannabee as she tried to take down Gemma Lee.
With the information that my instinct were corrects and Gemma Lee is a blonde, I felt like I had to leak the photo immediately since people were attacking me in my ask box for including a non-blonde HBGWHEM. Then I found some information.
I promised not to give out the source of who sent this classified information. No. Seriously. Not going to tell you. Not ever going to let you know who would do something this insensitive and leak personal stuff from Miley.
In the Tip Line thing was a video (not sure if you can really attach a video, hoping you can) and the video was this:
More leaks! Look at that, I’m like that creepbag guy who runs Wikileaks and seems to be really popular lately!
Miley had released the album of 2010 and she was pissed that Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s waltzed in right at the end of the year, before every blog puts together their “Best Of” posts and put out the best piece of music ever made!
I can understand Miley’s frustrations, her album fucking rules. All the songs are good, but she saw that she had to up the ante and it was either put out an awesome ass remix with a video pasted together with clips from her shit ass macbook, or to send me a picture of her vagina in my Tips section. She probably knew that I would just wank to the vagina pic and then fall asleep instead of leaking it so she went the way of the awesome remix.
I was listening to this a ton and then ANOTHER tip came into my Tip box.
This one was massive.
It was ground breaking.
It was earth shattering.
(Click the pic to enlarge for the full story)
I had no choice. When faced with a crisis of this magnitude, there’s only one HBGWHEM that can help.
JESS FUCKING STAM.
I called her and told her what happened and she sprang into action.
With that all resolved by the super pretty JESS FUCKING STAM, I just needed for Gemma Lee to do something so that Kate felt okay about her album not coming out. After all, Kate is the queen of HBGWHEM and you don’t just get JESS FUCKING STAM to call Kate and crush her dreams, even if it will save some overrated band of shitdicks with bad haircuts and wack music.
Gemma Lee was more than happy to help because she realizes that JESS FUCKING STAM went through a lot of trouble to make calls and she feels like she owes JESS FUCKING STAM because she saved tumblr and Gemma Lee has a really good and popular and cute and fun tumblr page.
So Gemma Lee posted a CUTE ROOM TOUR with one very extra special photograph…
This was included by Gemma Lee as a nod to Kate that says, “Sure, I may have saved the music industry, sure STAM may have crushed your dreams because she may or may not like the Beatles, but I’m Gemma Lee and I look up to you, Kate. My accomplishments are inspired, dedicated and only possible with Queen Kate.”
And all was well as 2011 began. A clean slate. A bunch of exclusive leaks getting me more followers. JESS FUCKING STAM with a massive cell bill for all that international calling from the USA to AUS to the UK.
As you can see, I am the greatest reporter ever. Even better than Truman Capote when he wrote that book and then they made a movie about the book and they made him BFFs with that lady who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird. I’m that good.