Let me start off by saying that I like redheads.

   Red hair seems like a good choice if you can’t go blonde due to some sort of pigmentary or common law or birth defect or muslim country or hair dye shortage issue. A girl I used to stalk in college- “The Blonde Haired Love of My Life” dyed her hair red and she’s still fantastically goodlooking, even though she isn’t blonde anymore.

   Lots of the greats have “experimented”.

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   Lindsay Lo often goes back to her signature red and if I faulted anyone for red hair, it would be doing a disservice to the first HBGWHEM I ever featured (and I don’t want to do that, those asshole LA prosecuters seem to be doing a good enough job.)

   A model I hold near and dear to my cold worthless heart, Lydia Hearst, who, I’m pretty sure, is the stepdaughter of my favorite author, Jay Mcinerney, also goes red on occasion and it suits her very nicely.

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    I have Lydia on the wall in my apartment to show there is no hard feelings even despite her adventures in red.

    I’ll tumblr a picture later tonight to prove it. I know I have a very unflattering pic of myself next to my fav Lydia ad that I have posted on my wall in my apartment! I think she might be next to a pre-JESS MOTHERFUCKING STAM Aldo ad so, in advance, I just want to clear up that the Aldo ad is in no way a statement that I think their previous campaigns were superior to the outstanding work they have done with JESS MOTHERFUCKING STAM.

   Now that we have that clear, I’m leaking more stuff.

    Here is a Playboy shoot from 1999.

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    Which was 12 fucking years ago.

    1999 was twelve fucking years ago.

    What am I doing with my life?

   If someone says, like, “Oh that came out in 1999”, I don’t think, “Holy shit that thing is as old as Justin Bieber + 7 additional years.”

    I should just end it now.

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    I haven’t accomplished shit in 12 years. If my life ended in 1999, I would have achieved the exact same amount except for my college degree, which I still haven’t picked up and I live directly behind the college, literally, it’s a baseball field, and then a fence and then I’m at the college.

    Back to the shoot, as you can see, it features a bunch of HBGWHEM’s and a douchebag and a clown.

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   What the hell was this a shoot for? Were they doing a spread on spraytanned homoerotic tranny clown boners? If so, not judging because they included HBGWHEM so I don’t need to send our attorney over to the Playboy mansion to file some sort of civil rights claim for the lack of HBGWHEM action in the photo, but seriously guys, what the hell?

    One of the HBGWHEM in the picture is Christina Hendricks.

    Here, I’ll highlight her since there is a lot going on here.

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    See!

    I told you. No one believes me when I always tell girls that they have a HBGWHEM inside all of them, but this is photographic evidence.

   There is a HBGWHEM inside Christina Hendricks.

   Now, I’m not a Christina Hendricks fan. I hear she was on some show called “Firefly” that I bought on DVD because it was made by the guy who made Buffy and Angel and Buffy and Angel fucking rule because when I was a kid my parents wouldn’t let me get cable in my room so I could only watch the piece of shit WB, since it was the only channel my TV got and so I’d watch Buffy and Angel and Shipmates and Elimidate and it was awesome and I was like “Why do I even need cable?” so I’ve always been obsessed with the WB and that’s why I only watch the CW now and I still don’t have cable and my Dad seems discouraged that I only watch “fag shows” and I’m like “Dad don’t be such a Victoria! Brooke Davis is a much stronger woman than I am so I can’t take an aggressive parent!” and then we eat our tacos in silence.

   hbgwhem,hot blonde girls with heavy eye makeupI tried watching the show ‘Firefly’ and I got through like two episodes and boy does this show suck a dick. It takes place in space and they are like cowboys? who need to track ships? and the only color clothing available is poop brown? and there is, like, a stowaway? killing… things? With barely any kissing or scandalous hookups?

   I don’t know what was happening, but it’s a piece of shit show and if you like it you’re fat.

   The next show I learned about Christina Hendricks on was Mad Men. I have all three seasons on DVD and if anyone asks me, I say, “Oh that show is really good,” but, honestly, between me and you girls, I’ve only watched the first episode and then I stopped watching so I could watch season 5 of One Tree Hill… for the third time! Whatever. I blame my father.

   When I did see Christina Hendricks on the show, she’s Don Draper’s secretary (in the one episode I’ve watched, I’m not sure if she, like, gets a promotion or gets fired for making bad coffee and having stupid tits and a fat middle, but I’ll update when I watch more). In the show, Christina Hendricks has stupid tits and a fat middle.

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    I knowwwww. I’m a heterosexual guy and I’m supposed to be like, “Rawr oh yeah, look at those really large boobies. That’s awesome. Want to touch them a lot or put my weiner in between them or w/e,” but I don’t have that instinct.

   Look at her in that Playboy pic! Her boobs were nice and normal. Perfect. Then, somehow, someway, disaster struck and now I don’t want any part of it. Pretty much if your cup size is anything over Rosie Whitley, I hate your tits. You look stupid in cute dresses, is there a bigger crime? Anytime I see a girl with Christina Hendricks boobs, I say, “Look at her stupid tits,” and then someone goes, “Bro, you’re gay. Look at those really large boobies. That’s awesome. I want to touch them a lot or put my weiner in between them,” and then some fat girl we’re standing next  to on the Path train is always like, “Christina Hendricks is an inspiration. She is a positive force in Hollywood because woman have been given body issues from blahblahablahablabahhhhhh and I just stand there and hope the train derails.

    But look, under the stupid tits, under the expressionless too tight face, under the cologen lips, under the stupid middle, under the 70 excess pounds is a HBGWHEM.

    Now we just need to reverse engineer Christina Hendricks and trade in my Firefly DVD for season 1+2 double pack at Walmart of Gilmore Girls and then everything will be at peace.