HBGWHEM 0.2: Overprivileged White Person Poetry Slam.
I know I haven’t updated regularly but I have been busy
jerking off to this Taylor Momsen video having a wank to this Taylor Momsen video adjusting the contrast on this Taylor Momsen video to see if I can ‘see pussy’
watching Brad’s new Chanel No 5 video.
There. Good save, Tom. As I stated above, I have been a normal person just doing normal stuff. Brad’s hotly anticipated Chanel No. 5 video hit the internet and since then I’ve just been
staring longingly at Brad Pitt wondering “Is this a message from Brad to me, like, personally?” wondering “Is Brad happy?” deciding “Brad can’t possibly be happy without me.
jerking off to Taylor Momsen.
Um. Here is this.
It’s clear by these two videos that were both released this week to critical acclaim that poetry is back!
“It’s fantastic to see two average Americans share their story of living and struggling in the middle class.” ~Mitt Romney
“I’m gonna bookmark this Taymom video until I’m really horny, then I watch it” ~ Me
So as you can see, all the hip people have weighed in on these videos.
At first I was disgusted. How typical for a corporation to engage in the cultural appropriation of a genre comprised almost entirely of black lesbians. This is like the time we stole rock and roll from Jimmy Hendrix and gave it to Taylor Momsen.
But, with a clear mind
that comes along after cumming onto the back of that worthless Sarah Jessica Parker Vogue that just arrived I realized that poetry is how I can express myself. It’s like blogging, but easier.
The only time I have ever written poems were for HBGWHEM Jillian
And for DAPHNE GROENEVELD
Both of those poems were massive successes and broke all poetry book records by selling over 5 books.
Poetry seems like the best possible art form to express yourself if you’ve sustained a life threatening wound and you don’t have time to put effort into your feelings.
I watched the Taymom video and here’s what I got out of it:
*Those new jeans brick red jeans I bought are really hard to take off.
*I need to shave my chest.
*I need to shave my chest?
*Why did I take my shirt off for this?
*Fucking firefox. Sersiously? We haven’t even made it past the title card and you’re already frozen.
*This is a minute and fifteen seconds long. Seems like a pretty long time to listen to poetry for.
*This seems relevant to my blog.
*Not HGBWHEM, the shitty over indulgent out of focus too close cinematography side-tumblr I have.
*Taymom said all her “friends are enemies”. Therefore, I become Taymom’s enemy and by default we have to be BFFs.
*This is getting violent and less fun to jerk off to.
*Gradually getting better to jerk off to.
*I think the last part of the poem is about Titanic. White people love Titanic.
*SPOILER: TAYMOM NUDITY. GRL HAS THAT SUMMER BIKINI BODY. WHAT IS UR SECRET TAY? SHAPEMAG.TUMBLR.COM EXCLUSIVE PIXX RIGHT HERE.
Then I came.
When I watched the Brad video, here’s what I got out of it.
*What is Brad doing in this room, has he been kidnapped?
*Kidnapping Brad Pitt Goals.
*I like his hair long.
*Heard there are massive reshoots on World War Z. Seems like that is a gift to guys who write horror movie blogs since it has “shoot” in the topic and it’s a movie about zombies.
*HBGWHEM contest: Send in your creative headlines about the World War Z reshoots.
*Feel like this video could use reshoots.
*This smells less like Chanel No5 and more like Karl.
*I bet Karl has a wall in his house that just plays this video.
*Brad said ‘plans disappear dreams take over’. This seems like an invitation for me to kidnap him.
*You know, like he planned to do the World War Z reshoot, but then my dreams took over and I stole him.
*But, yeah, I would still let him fulfill those reshoot obligations because I’m looking forward to World War Z.
*On the car ride over I would make it clear that the reshoots were part of my dream.
*Brad would probably be like, ‘Why didn’t you just dream the movie was good in the first place so that we could go back to your apartment and watch Party of Five on DVD.’
*In the end he’s like “inevitable” and I was like “Wait, what? Yes. Wait. What is though? But… yes. Agree.”
Now I am more of an expert in white ppl sadness poetry.
It seems to contain these elements:
- Black and white.
- Cerebral humor.
- Just doing it to get more money because money is cool.
I’ve written a bunch of novels, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to write another poem. I wanted to not just steal someone else’s art form. I wanted to own it. I wanted to create a poem that was like if Biggie wrote Perks of Being a Wallflower. This is what I wrote:
BLACK & WHITE (WALLS)
Last night I was alone
So alone. Or so i thought.
I farted in my bed.
My bed is near the wall.
The wall is near some random Indian family.
The wall laughed.
Or those beyond the wall laughed.
I knew it was because
my butt made a trumpet noise
so loud it breached drywall.
Or maybe cider blocks.
I’m not sure on the
architectural details of this
cone of sadness
Cinder blocks are thick.
Cinder blocks are used for foundations of basements.
Cinder blocks are used for jail walls.
Cinder blocks are not thick enough to silence your ass noise from that Indian family.