HBGWHEM 0.2: Overprivileged White Person Poetry Slam.

    I know I haven’t updated regularly but I have been busy 

jerking off to this Taylor Momsen video

having a wank to this Taylor Momsen video 

adjusting the contrast on this Taylor Momsen video to see if I can ‘see pussy’

watching Brad’s new Chanel No 5 video.

    There. Good save, Tom. As I stated above, I have been a normal person just doing normal stuff. Brad’s hotly anticipated Chanel No. 5 video hit the internet and since then I’ve just been

staring longingly at Brad Pitt 

wondering “Is this a message from Brad to me, like, personally?”

wondering “Is Brad happy?”

deciding “Brad can’t possibly be happy without me.

jerking off to Taylor Momsen.

    Shit.

    Um. Here is this.

    All better.

     It’s clear by these two videos that were both released this week to critical acclaim that poetry is back! 

“It’s fantastic to see two average Americans share their story of living and struggling in the middle class.”  ~Mitt Romney

“I’m gonna bookmark this Taymom video until I’m really horny, then I watch it” ~ Me

    So as you can see, all the hip people have weighed in on these videos.

    At first I was disgusted. How typical for a corporation to engage in the cultural appropriation of a genre comprised almost entirely of black lesbians. This is like the time we stole rock and roll from Jimmy Hendrix and gave it to Taylor Momsen. 

    But, with a clear mind that comes along after cumming onto the back of that worthless Sarah Jessica Parker Vogue that just arrived I realized that poetry is how I can express myself. It’s like blogging, but easier. 

    The only time I have ever written poems were for HBGWHEM Jillian

    And for DAPHNE GROENEVELD

     Both of those poems were massive successes and broke all poetry book records by selling over 5 books.

   Poetry seems like the best possible art form to express yourself if you’ve sustained a life threatening wound and you don’t have time to put effort into your feelings.

     I watched the Taymom video and here’s what I got out of it:

          *Those new jeans brick red jeans I bought are really hard to take off.

          *I need to shave my chest.

          *I need to shave my chest?

          *Why did I take my shirt off for this?

          *Fucking firefox. Sersiously? We haven’t even made it past the title card and you’re already frozen.

           *This is a minute and fifteen seconds long. Seems like a pretty long time to listen to poetry for.

            *Taymom’s voice.

            *This seems relevant to my blog.

            *Not HGBWHEM, the shitty over indulgent out of focus too close cinematography side-tumblr I have.

             *Taymom said all her “friends are enemies”. Therefore, I become Taymom’s enemy and by default we have to be BFFs.

             *This is getting violent and less fun to jerk off to.

             *Gradually getting better to jerk off to.

             *I think the last part of the poem is about Titanic. White people love Titanic.

              *SPOILER: TAYMOM NUDITY. GRL HAS THAT SUMMER BIKINI BODY. WHAT IS UR SECRET TAY? SHAPEMAG.TUMBLR.COM EXCLUSIVE PIXX RIGHT HERE.

     Then I came.

     When I watched the Brad video, here’s what I got out of it.

                *What is Brad doing in this room, has he been kidnapped?

                *Kidnapping Brad Pitt Goals.

                *I like his hair long.

                *Heard there are massive reshoots on World War Z. Seems like that is a gift to guys who write horror movie blogs since it has “shoot” in the topic and it’s a movie about zombies.

                 *HBGWHEM contest: Send in your creative headlines about the World War Z reshoots.

                 *Feel like this video could use reshoots.

                 *This smells less like Chanel No5 and more like Karl.

                 *I bet Karl has a wall in his house that just plays this video.

                *Brad said ‘plans disappear  dreams take over’. This seems like an invitation for me to kidnap him.

                 *You know, like he planned to do the World War Z reshoot, but then my dreams took over and I stole him.

                 *But, yeah, I would still let him fulfill those reshoot obligations because I’m looking forward to World War Z.

                  *On the car ride over I would make it clear that the reshoots were part of my dream.

                  *Brad would probably be like, ‘Why didn’t you just dream the movie was good in the first place so that we could go back to your apartment and watch Party of Five on DVD.’

                    *In the end he’s like “inevitable” and I was like “Wait, what? Yes. Wait. What is though? But… yes. Agree.”

     Now I am more of an expert in white ppl sadness poetry. 

     It seems to contain these elements:

  • Black and white.
  • Sexualization.
  • Monotone.
  • Jumpcuts.
  • Cerebral humor.
  • Regret.
  • Just doing it to get more money because money is cool.

     I’ve written a bunch of novels, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to write another poem. I wanted to not just steal someone else’s art form. I wanted to own it. I wanted to create a poem that was like if Biggie wrote Perks of Being a Wallflower. This is what I wrote:

BLACK & WHITE (WALLS)

Last night I was alone

So alone. Or so i thought.

I farted in my bed.

So loud.

My bed is near the wall.

The wall is near some random Indian family.

The wall laughed.

Or those beyond the wall laughed.

I knew it was because

my butt made a trumpet noise

so loud it breached drywall.

Or maybe cider blocks.

I’m not sure on the 

architectural details of this

cone of sadness

Cinder blocks are thick.

Cinder blocks are used for foundations of basements.

Cinder blocks are used for jail walls.

Cinder blocks are not thick enough to silence your ass noise from that Indian family.

~-~Chanel No5~-~




Same

Same




If you don’t like Taylor Momsen, then I hope the type of retardation you have is not contagious. 




45.0 Here are the top 11 most popular HBGWHEM posts for 2011 11/I wrote a track by track review of the BRIT BRIT CD-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/4195105161/23-2-its-unfney-bitch 10/I made my first and last podcast->  http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/11277378410/hbgwhem-45-0-podcast-i-why-the-fuck-did-i-make 9/I wrote my first ever love poem-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/7103097197/40-1-a-poem-for-hbgwhem-jillian 8/I edited clothes on some Blake Lively nudes-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/6154435492/39-0-blake-lively-leaked-camera-phone-pictures 7/I wrote an apology to Charlotte Free (which she accepted) (then unfriended me from Facebook)-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/9897519131/43-1-forgive-me-charlotte-free 6/I wrote a love poem for DAPHNE GROENEVELD-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/12764961924/hbgwhem7-daphne-groeneveld-a-poem 5/I reported on the  floods in Australia-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/4370448677/19-3-16-3-18-3-31-1-32-1-33-1-gemma-lee-the-wannabees 4/I vlogged about fisting instruments-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/10621770828/hbgwhem-vi 3/I rewrote the Nicki Minaj song “Roman’s Revenge” for Gemma Ward-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/2861634107/hbgwhepicm-25-0-the-return-of-gemma-ward 2/The birth of Frejarizona-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/7433586988/41-frejabbeyzona 1/When I discovered Andrej Pejic doesn’t have a pussy-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/8868634582/hbgwhem-42-0-stunning-mystery-girl-look-atBONUS 2011 NUDITY: a video of me naked playing with bby kitten-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/6675946369/i-got-to-play-with-this-kitten-today-it-has

45.0 Here are the top 11 most popular HBGWHEM posts for 2011


11/I wrote a track by track review of the BRIT BRIT CD-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/4195105161/23-2-its-unfney-bitch

10/I made my first and last podcast->  http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/11277378410/hbgwhem-45-0-podcast-i-why-the-fuck-did-i-make

9/I wrote my first ever love poem-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/7103097197/40-1-a-poem-for-hbgwhem-jillian

8/I edited clothes on some Blake Lively nudes-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/6154435492/39-0-blake-lively-leaked-camera-phone-pictures

7/I wrote an apology to Charlotte Free (which she accepted) (then unfriended me from Facebook)-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/9897519131/43-1-forgive-me-charlotte-free

6/I wrote a love poem for DAPHNE GROENEVELD-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/12764961924/hbgwhem7-daphne-groeneveld-a-poem

5/I reported on the  floods in Australia-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/4370448677/19-3-16-3-18-3-31-1-32-1-33-1-gemma-lee-the-wannabees

4/I vlogged about fisting instruments-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/10621770828/hbgwhem-vi

3/I rewrote the Nicki Minaj song “Roman’s Revenge” for Gemma Ward-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/2861634107/hbgwhepicm-25-0-the-return-of-gemma-ward

2/The birth of Frejarizona-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/7433586988/41-frejabbeyzona

1/When I discovered Andrej Pejic doesn’t have a pussy-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/8868634582/hbgwhem-42-0-stunning-mystery-girl-look-at

BONUS 2011 NUDITY: a video of me naked playing with bby kitten-> http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/post/6675946369/i-got-to-play-with-this-kitten-today-it-has




0.1 Taylor Momsen’s Dreams Are Ruining My Taylor Momsen Dreams

http://cdn.idolator.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/taylor-momsen-magazine-500x605.jpg  

  Today I decided to take a break from constantly thinking about Taylor Momsen and I thought about what Taylor Momsen thinks about. It’s part of my crusade to become a better person by considering others feelings.

    I’ve found when I consider other’s feelings it is boring and I’ve decided that I just want people to do whatever I want them to do.

    If people I don’t do what I decide they should be doing, I will write a blog post about it in on my incredibly popular blog. Since I do not have an incredibly popular blog, I’ve decided to post my rants on HBGWHEM.

    The Gossip Girl hiatus just started (unless you are reading it at a time when that is untrue, then please just imagine I said DAPHNE GROENEVELD for this first sentence) and I realized it’s been over a year (again, there are time differences so keep GROENEVELDING for this part) since Taylor Momsen has been on the once great Gossip Girl. Isn’t that sort of weird? Isn’t that sort of weird that Blair was like “Oh, Jenny Humphrey, you slag, you are banished from Manhattan,” and since then everyone was just like, “OH OKAY! WELL, BLAIR MADE UP A FAKE BAN, BETTER FOLLOW IT. GUESS I CAN’T CELEBRATE MY DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY ANYMORE. BLAIR SAID SO AND WROTE AN IMAGINARY DOCTRINE IN INVISIBLE INK THAT IS LEGALLY BINDING.”

     Eric is gone now too and they haven’t even mentioned that. Eric isn’t even fake banned from NYC. As the only gay character on the show (except for Vanessa that one time with Hil Duff) (WTF she’s gone too! GG Antigay Homophobe Scandal brewing… xoxo) it seems that they would want to explain Eric being gone. This way it doesn’t seem like the Roades-Humphrey-Bass-Vanderwoodsens sent Eric away for being gay.  You’re telling me that the Gossip Girl writers can’t think of one thing that a gay man could have left NYC to do? The entire show is straight characters doing things in NYC that a gay man would do!

    Do you remember when Jenny was on Gossip Girl and we had things like plotlines and an actual high schooler in actual school where Gossip Girl would actually have some sort of impact. Do you know how hard it is to watch receding hairline Chuck Bass strut out in a suit like, “Just got back from an important meeting and OH WAIT PHONE JUST WENT OFF IS IT A BUSINESS CALL ABOUT MY BUSINESS BECAUSE I’M A BUSINESS MAN.” Chuck looks at his phone and Kristen Bell is all like, “Looks like B was spotted having BikiniTini’s with Lonelyboy, but is her bikini getting too teeny?” AND THEN THE SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN THINKS ABOUT THIS LINE OF TWADDLE. Then someone Kristen Bell is probably saved as she jumps out of a window of a CW recording studio like that AZN bride lady who jumped out the window in her wedding dress. I think the point of this paragraph was that I’d like Taylor Momsen to return to Gossip Girl.

HBGWHEM, HBGWHEM    

    Taylor left to pursue her music, with her band of guys who I won’t say anything bad about because they just seem like a bunch of old perverts who are obsessed with Taylor Momsen and that’s not a crime. Right? RIGHT? GUYS. FUCK. IS THAT A CRIME? CAN GUY GO TO JAIL FOR THAT? NO/ NO/ NO/ MY LIFE IS OVER.

     So yeah, I’m a huge TPR fan. Here are some posts I’ve made about Tay’s music: 1, 2, 3. My favorite Taymom song is Zombie. Oh speaking of Zombies remember when she posed in Revovler as a zombie hunter. If you don’t remember here is a picture to fap to   fap to   fap to   fap to  admire.

Photobucket

    Taylor, here is another thing you want to do! I want you to go on GG and when Rufus is like, “Oh/// sorry… I replaced you with that random bitch Charlie Rose that no one likes but had to be a full time cast member because we killed Eric for being gay, where were you?”

    And Taymom will be like, “I was killing zombies.”

   Which Rufus will be like, “What about your fashion? You loved working in Eleanor’s atelier.”

    And then Serena will bound into the room like “Guess what creepy professors cock I’m sucking now!” then Taymom will cut her head off.

    Rufus will be mad but only because he’s a stay at home bitch now and he probably just cleaned up after early morning waffles and now Blake’s blood is staining a rug he spent all month looking a samples for. Lily will understand why her daughter’s head was cut off because she will be like, “Well she always did announciate like a zombie,” and everyone will be like, “loloolololololololool.” Then when the laughing stops Lily will be like, “Well at least I still have my other child, Charlie Rose.

     Taymom has been pretty successful with her music. She even went on tour with Eveneance. I went to see them perform at the Prudential Center in Newark so that I could throw my size small boxer briefs on stage when Taymom performed and it was amazing! Those old pervs in the bad are really good at doing instruments or something probably I think they might have been there, IDK, I was focused on Taymom. After the Taymom concert I stayed for Evanesance which is a band created by a mildly overweight goth so that morbidly overweight goths would have a fashion icon besides Robert Smith. At the end of their show they gave me their setlist!!! (HBGWHEM EXCLUSIVE PICTURE)

HBGWHEM, HBGWHEM

     Taylor Momsen has already achieved her dreams at eighteen. I think it’s truly remarkable, but now I think it’s time that Taylor Momsen achieves my dreams beceause I don’t want to be selfish or anything, I just have an extreme inability to care about the feelings, emotions or thoughts of others and that is probably a disability and the worst thing anyone can do is not grant the grandiose narcissistic wishes of the disabled so, starting now, Taylor Momsen you have to live in my crappy Newark apartment.

xoxo Tommy Boy.




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Themed by: Hunson