hot blonde girls with heavy eye makeup

January 5, 2013 1 note

HBGWHEM 52.0 Mia Goth.

Dear Blondes, I hope you had a fantastic New Years Eve!!! I bet it was filled with fun and booze and hot guy/girl, girl/girl, girl/Andrej action.

Hi Brunettes, I bet you did some really kewl social justice blogging as the ball was dropping and you were alone, cat by your side, 47 tabs open in Chrome, listening to A$AP Rocky, wearing an oversized men’s t-shirt, snuggling with your warm MacBook charger.

Now that New Years Eve is over, it’s 2013.

Azn people report that 2013 is the year of the snake.

Think about snakes.

What was the first thing you thought of when I mentioned snakes?

Probably that time you women ate that apple and fck’d us over for ever. Now we have to wear pants because you. I hope it was worth it. You haven’t even stuck to your diet. You started out with apples and now you’re eating an entire frozen pizza, while surrounded by empty diet coke cans.

Or maybe snakes make you you think of the time that BritBrit danced with the snake. That was good. She can’t dance with snakes now because she has kids. Could you imagine if the snake ate Sean Preston Federline-Spears? Do you know how many people on twitter would make “Did a dingo eat your baby” style jokes? It would be a nightmare. Luckily, Britney would still have the other kid because she really Jessica Simpson’d those youngin’s out. Then she bounced back, while Jessica… well she just bounces.

But probably, most of you, when I said “Snake”, thought about this moment:

Sorry to bring up bad memories, but, yes, Han Solo was murdered by a snake. He is dead and now Star Wars is getting rebooted by that guy JJ Abrams who is so shit, he made a BAD ELLE FANNING MOVIE. That’s like me giving you a bar of gold and you invest it in the New York Jets. ~-~Sports Reference~-~ 2013 blogging. Increasing my fanbase. Covering new ground. Footballs. Superbowl. Touchdown. Redzone. Halftime. Flag on the play. Trade deadline.

Obviously, we all forgave Shia Labeouf for murdering Harrison Ford because that shit ass Indiana Jones movie they made together was worse than that movie where Harrison Ford was a morning news anchor with Regina George. Lets face it, even if Shia didn’t get Harrison, Regina was definitely going to fill his bed with scorpions or something so let’s just be happy Harrison Ford peacefully left us, surging with the extra potent venom of that snake that Shia bought from PetsSmart like two hours before the Kids Choice Awards. Sure, it’s unfortunate that, in the aftermath, the snake got loose in the audience.

Shia = good with neutralizing Decepticons, good at neutralizing Harrison Ford, bad at neutralizing a poisonous snake in the isles of a tween award show.

I think most of you know this about me, but I’m a Shia Labeouf stan.

Yes, I, Tom Reagan, am a Beouffont.

I first got into Shia during that Even Stevens where Shia is dressed as though he was riding penguin, and everyone’s eyes are removed, and they become milk fiends, and there is a cloning machine that kept cloning Stevens’. I sat there, atop my penguin, and I was like, “Finally a kids program that deals with REAL WORLD issues.” Other than the Saved By the Bell where Slater got AIDS, children’s TV usually avoided heavy topics like cloning and milk and eyeball removal in public schools.

We all know that Shia is the 5th best actor of all time, the four ahead of him being:

Brit-Brit - Her work in Crossroads. I was SURE she was going to lose her vcard to the Mac guy. She made me BELIEVE it.

Taymom - She was great in GG, except for her ~-~trigger warning~-~ inducing vcard loss. She was also great in that Gus Van Sant movie about sk8ter bois. I don’t remember what the name of it was but I think the tag-line was something like, “UR a sk8ter boi, I’ll cya later boy, someone has been murdered in a remote part of town, I rlly wanna date a boy.”

Queen Latifa - The white guy is like “I’m gonna do this,” and the Queen is like “What, no you ain’t,” and he is like, “I drive a compact car,” and there is a flash cut to a scene of big ass Queen Latifa in the little car and she makes a sassy joke about how the car must be for circus midgets, but the scene gets cut from the final movie because the term “midgets” or “the m-word” is deemed too controversial due to the looming NAAMP (National Association for the Advancement of Midget Ppls) boycott.

Gemma - Remember when she was in Pirates? Remember in The Strangers when she murdered Liv Tyler (not with a snake)? That was conflicting for me. On one hand I was like “What Gemma wants, Gemma gets,” but on the other hand I was like, “NO LORD PLEASE SAVE LIV TYLER NO WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY NO LIV. LIVE LIV!!!!”

Shia, 5th best actor of all time, starred in two movies with Megan Fox and then they went on this French TV show that had a “That was easy” Staples button that you could hit if you felt uncomfortable and K-stew hit it like forty times when she went on there because she is kstew. When Shia went on with Megan they were like “How do you da perfect kissing?” and Shia and Megan KISSED. It was erotic.

After that French boner saga, Rosie replaced Megan Fox in Transformers because Megan Fox might have called Michael Bay “Hilter” and I think like they gave her the Pulitzer for being so accurate with a character assessment. Shia had to move on to other movies and, along the way, he met this girl named Carey Mulligan and they fell in love because Shia probably was a big fan of the play “Oliver Twist”.

It was dark days for being a Boueffant, but luckily they broke up because Shia probably said something like, “Other than the weird ass banana scene, An Education has to be the most by-the-numbers, predicatable, dry, boring, girl-porn, ~-~ohhh da expirences~-~ movie ever.” They parted ways because of Wall Street 2. No one left Wall Street 2 unscathed. I think Wall Street 2 was what stopped occupy Wall Street. Everyone was like, “I can’t stand there, what if they think I’m filming a sequel to Wall Street 2.”

After the breakup, Shia was once again a FREE MAN, no longer restrained by Indiana Jones, Victoria’s Secret Hilter or Oliver Twist.

He had the world in his hands and then he met MIA GOTH.

Mia Goth.

MIA GOTH.

M1@ G0th.

DO YOU COMPREHEND THAT NAME?

2013 Best Name Winner: Mia Goth

2013 Best URL: Myspace.com/miagoth

2013 Best All: Mia Goth.

Shia found a girl name Mia Goth.

Here is what I know about Mia Goth.

Mia Goth just finished filming “Nymphomaniac” with Shia, Charlotte Gainsbourg (Who was in that insufferable movie about Kiki Dunst having to deal with Oliver Twist’s boyfriend from An Education or maybe it was Jack Bower from 24, either way the movie sucked a bag of Mulligans).
Mia Goth is named MIA GOTH.

Mia Goth is clearly 2013.

“Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.”

~ An Unpublished Keats poem

2013 will be Mia Goth’s; and she will share the year with Shia.

I know what you’re asking… ‘Tom, have you even seen Mia Goth act?’ and to that I say, “Did you hear how amazing her name sounded when you said it? Mia Goth. Doesn’t it just feel good?”

You’ll probably follow it up by asking, ‘Tom do you know anything about Mia Goth, at all, besides her name?’ and to that I ask a question back, “Did you just try to dismiss the name Mia Goth? K1ll Urself. Now.”

You’ll probably ask, ‘Tom, isn’t Mia Goth in the new Von Trier movie and when he was promoTing that horrible Kiki Dunst movie, he said that he related to Hilter. His career was taken away from him, how is he making a movie?’ to which I will respond, “No, you only get your career taken away by being a beautiful woman or a gay man and making Hilter comments. Megan and Galliano were blacklisted, but Von Trier has somehow been Mia Goth-listed. Life is not fair. Life is not fair. The first female prez will be brunette. 2013 is pointless. I am feeling so so so so so so so so Mia Goth.”

January 1, 2011 18 notes

HBGWHEM 19.2/20.2/22.2/ Tom Is a Journalist Now and He’s Leaking Things

The much hyped HBGWHEM 19.2, 20.2, 22.2

Prepare yourself for dirt, scandal, leaks and other things that will hopefully be so interesting that it turns your hair blonde.

With the beginning of 2011 upon me, I reflected on my life.

I started thinking about my writing. Since no one wants to publish my shitty manuscripts, everyone always tells me that the only way I will escape the business world and achieve literary greatness is if I become a reporter.

This is a topic that I briefly explored in 2010.

The catalyst for my experimenting arrived when my friend told me he had inside information, like the type of inside information that sent HBGWHEM Martha Stewart to jail.

I took the inside information because cake makes people fat and I figured I’d rather be skinny in jail, than fat and free. Obesity is the worst prison there is.

The inside information was that hulu was tired of giving away episodes of “Human Target” and other piece of shit shows that no one really watches, for free. His source said that hulu would start charging money for the shows on some sort of subscription thing, sort of like how you pay for a year of Vogue, except, instead of getting this amazing magazine filled with HBGWHEMs every month, all you get with HULU Plus is all (?number?) of seasons of Human Target on demand. You don’t really need these episodes unless your life is really that shit that you need to watch Human Target on demand and if that’s the case then save your money for a bottle of Windex and drink that instead of getting hulu Plus. It’s cheaper and will probably make you feel better than an episode of Human Target.

I thought, “YESSS, this is my time to become a journalist. I will write a piece about this and then everyone will read it and I’ll get other jobs being a journalist, like Clark Kent. Maybe I will fuck someone that looks like Teri Hatcher, except not old and not brunette and with a better wardrobe and with better makeup and hopefully with a less creepy smile.”

I sat down at my computer and started thinking, “What should I call this article about hulu being cheap bastards and asking for even more money?” Then I found my title and instantly fell in love. The title also destroyed my dream of becoming a journalist.

“hu jew”

That was the name of the piece I wanted to write. You can’t write a journalistic piece like that because journalists can’t be funny or acknowledge stereotypes of even make a comment on what is going on like, “What a bunch of greedy fucks those HULU guys are, am I right?” because apparently that’s editorializing and that’s not allowed in journalism. Plus, I’m pretty sure the only people that read HBGWHEM are jewish girls so I didn’t know if that would offend them or whatever.

After my hujew meltdown, I gave up on journalism, that is until NOW.

As you can see, there is now a Tips Line on the HBGWHEM page. It’s a place where you can go and send me information like, “I saw STAM at the airport and her eye makeup looked really good. Do you think she flies in an airplane like the rest of us or does she use her Victoria’s Secret wings to get from place to place?” or “If Liu Wen was blonde now, but still Asian, could she be a HBGWHEM? I’ve attached a photo of her at a deli for you to review.”

I’m not sure if you can attach photos to the Tip screen and I’m not sure if Liu Wen would dye her hair blonde and I’m not sure if an Asian can be a HBGWHEM, but the point is, this new tip line turned out to get me…. a tip!

One of the Wannabe’s contacted me about HGBWHEM 19.0, Gemma Lee!

If you haven’t caught up, catch up. Gemma Lee is the most famous musical act in the entire world (besides BritBrit, but that’s something, like, obvi). Ever since Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s realeased their debut single, “11 Year Old Us”, it has broken every record ever.

According to the information that I have read in Musical Industry Monthly magazine there was some sort of problem with the music industry because one of Mark Zuckerburgs friends created Napster and you could download any song ever. They made a movie about it called The Social Network that will probably win all the Oscars besides the lady Oscars because there probably weren’t any girls in the movie since it’s all about computers and the music industry. After I read about the music problem, the next magazine I got was like, “LOL JK. The music industry is fine. Gemma Lee saved us all and we made a bunch of money and now Napster costs money because they wanted to make sure that Gemma Lee gets paid for all her hard work.” If you don’t believe me, here is an old white person to repeat this information:

This doesn’t make for a very interesting Behind the Music on Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s so they had to jazz it up and it just so happened that someone jazzed in my “Tips” section! I looked at the tip jazz and it was from the singer of Gemma Lee and the Wannabes! She was really mad that she was the lead singer, but everyone was like, “Yeah, great whatever, we like the song because of (Find out what part of the song Gemma Lee was involved in and paste it here).” This made the wannabee very mad and she said she could give me information on Gemma Lee.

After a couple of gchats I was able to convince the wannabe to tell me some information she had. She told me, specifically about some computer information that only Gemma Lee or Zuckerberg or Zuckerberg’s Napster friend could get their hands on.

The wannabe refused to provide the information.

I said that I was a reporter, like Clark Kent, except I wouldn’t fuck Terry Hatcher like Clark did in Lois and Clark.

This seemed to earn her trust and I was given access to the wannabe’s hard drive.

I quickly found a folder entitled, “Top Secret; Don’t Leak This Because They Already Like Gemma Lee Way More Than Me And This Will Make Them Like Gemma Lee Even More And That’s, Like, Scientifically Not Possible, But Gemma Lee is Immune To Science.”

I clicked on the “Top Secret; Don’t Leak This Because They Already Like Gemma Lee Way More Than Me And This Will Make Them Like Gemma Lee Even More And That’s, Like, Scienfially Not Possible, But Gemma Lee is Immune To Science,” folder and…

Inside. Was. This.

Oh yeah, that’s right, I just leaked a photo of Gemma Lee as a BLONDE.

I told you I had exclusives. I’m like one of those mixtape DJ’s that gets the new Eminem song and then they scream all over it and do that thing where they are like, “Hold up! I don’t think they fuckin’ heard you! Bring that shit back!”

I was gonna write that on a picture, but I didn’t want to destroy the perfection that is Gemma Lee as a blonde!

After I found this, I was like, “Fuck your hard drive, you jealous wannabee, I would never leak information about a HBGWHEM,” and then wannabe was all like, “No, but wait! I’m a jealous whore.” That’s not an exact quote, but it distills the impression I got of the wannabee as she tried to take down Gemma Lee.

With the information that my instinct were corrects and Gemma Lee is a blonde, I felt like I had to leak the photo immediately since people were attacking me in my ask box for including a non-blonde HBGWHEM. Then I found some information.

Someone submitted another Tip!

I promised not to give out the source of who sent this classified information. No. Seriously. Not going to tell you. Not ever going to let you know who would do something this insensitive and leak personal stuff from Miley.

In the Tip Line thing was a video (not sure if you can really attach a video, hoping you can) and the video was this:

More leaks! Look at that, I’m like that creepbag guy who runs Wikileaks and seems to be really popular lately!

Miley had released the album of 2010 and she was pissed that Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s waltzed in right at the end of the year, before every blog puts together their “Best Of” posts and put out the best piece of music ever made!

I can understand Miley’s frustrations, her album fucking rules. All the songs are good, but she saw that she had to up the ante and it was either put out an awesome ass remix with a video pasted together with clips from her shit ass macbook, or to send me a picture of her vagina in my Tips section. She probably knew that I would just wank to the vagina pic and then fall asleep instead of leaking it so she went the way of the awesome remix.

I was listening to this a ton and then ANOTHER tip came into my Tip box.

This one was massive.

It was ground breaking.

It was earth shattering.

(Click the pic to enlarge for the full story)

I had no choice. When faced with a crisis of this magnitude, there’s only one HBGWHEM that can help.

JESS FUCKING STAM.

I called her and told her what happened and she sprang into action.

With that all resolved by the super pretty JESS FUCKING STAM, I just needed for Gemma Lee to do something so that Kate felt okay about her album not coming out. After all, Kate is the queen of HBGWHEM and you don’t just get JESS FUCKING STAM to call Kate and crush her dreams, even if it will save some overrated band of shitdicks with bad haircuts and wack music.

Gemma Lee was more than happy to help because she realizes that JESS FUCKING STAM went through a lot of trouble to make calls and she feels like she owes JESS FUCKING STAM because she saved tumblr and Gemma Lee has a really good and popular and cute and fun tumblr page.

So Gemma Lee posted a CUTE ROOM TOUR with one very extra special photograph…

This was included by Gemma Lee as a nod to Kate that says, “Sure, I may have saved the music industry, sure STAM may have crushed your dreams because she may or may not like the Beatles, but I’m Gemma Lee and I look up to you, Kate. My accomplishments are inspired, dedicated and only possible with Queen Kate.”

And all was well as 2011 began. A clean slate. A bunch of exclusive leaks getting me more followers. JESS FUCKING STAM with a massive cell bill for all that international calling from the USA to AUS to the UK.

As you can see, I am the greatest reporter ever. Even better than Truman Capote when he wrote that book and then they made a movie about the book and they made him BFFs with that lady who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird. I’m that good.

October 7, 2010 1 note

whoa. amazon. kinda uncalled for.

August 19, 2010

HBGWHEM 9.0 Elin Nordegren

     After a brief hiatus, due to none of you giving a shit if I update this or not, I’ve decided to come back because of an email that said something like, “Hey Man, Really enjoy your blog about Hot Blonde Girls With Heavy Eye Makeup, wonder when the next post was coming out.”
    Well imaginary e-mail I just made up, today is your lucky day.
    The HBGWHEM number 9 is none other than Elin Nordegren.

    As I understand it, Elin Nordegren was suggested by Tiger Wood’s caddy to be Tiger’s maid or something and I guess it was a One Tree Hill situation where hottie maid comes in and flirts/gets drunk and sexy/skinny dips in the pool with the lights on/kidnaps your kids and so Tiger and Elin got married. Then they probably hired a new maid. Probably a brunette so Tiger didn’t try any funny business. I can’t get any more information on Elin because she doesn’t have a twitter.

    I like Elin because she fits perfectly in line with my image of Swedish girls (minus the bar maid outfit). I don’t really have to adjust my stereotypes at all with Elin and I think that’s very considerate of her. I’ve never heard her speak, despite the fact that she’s been in the news for the past year. This also helps in my enjoyment or her. There’s one thing that is a roadblock with me, and a large concern when I considered featuring her.
    She does not have an agressive makeup routine.
    Sparse. Unraccoony. Tasteful. All of these are nasty words that come to my mind when I think about her makeup.

    One could speculate that Tiger got bored with Elin because her eye makeup often could be best described as only present and not excessive. Maybe Perkins girl had a really nice pallete of colors and went super crazy with the gun metal eyeshadow. Perkins girl probably has like 19 palletes of other makeups that she hasn’t used yet, but the gunmetal part on the pallete is right down to the plastic.
    My other theory on Elin’s eyes is that they are broken. When I was googling pictures of her to wank to, I noticed that a lot of them are of Elin in sunglasses.

    This is the worst thing when I am trying to wank because I like a little eye contact while I’m doing it. That’s why if you sext me a picture from your cell, always include your face. None of those weak middle torso shots, you’ll get deleted like a chain letter.
    This broken eyes theory may be correct as there were porn bitches texting Tiger at all hours of the day and so she would have to be blind to not notice that.

    Then, one day, the glasses came off and she either woke up to what was happening or got lasik and then was like “oh my, there are tons of pics of fake tits on Tiger’s phone.” After that, she might have beat him with a golf club. I don’t usually support girls playing sports (besides tennis or something with an equally sexy skirt/undies combo) but I support Elin’s use of the club because it was more about domestic violence and less about fixing her slice.
    Now Elin has started a new life, going to college at Rollins in Florida. My sister went to Rollins for like 9 years to get her bachelors degree and I didn’t visit her once. I really wish that I did go there and maybe made some Freshman friends that invited would me down this year for a wild weekend. We would be able to relax, not tan because tan people are gross and then maybe take a psych course with Elin.
    In summary:

July 20, 2010 16 notes

HBGWHEM 4.1 LINDSAY LO SURRENDERS :(

I haven’t been this sad since Britney Spears was brought in on a 5150.
In a follow up to our HBGWHEM coverage of the unfair Lindsay Lo trial, it hurts my heart to inform the members of HBGWHEM that there is one less HBGWHEM on the streets today.

At some time this morning (LA has different time than us so I couldn’t figure it out. LA uses different time… figures, right?) Lindsay Lo reported to court with her lesbo lawyer (HBGWHEM legal disclaimer: lesbo lawyer nickname is based on speculation and haircuts, not on any concrete fact of sexual preference.) and turned herself in. There were rumors that OJ’s old lawyer was going to represent Lindsay, but I guess he realized she wasn’t guilty so he dropped out and Lindsay brought the black lesbo back.
Luckily, the judge was nice enough to sign a court order to prevent the image of Lindsay surrendering. The only time a HBGWHEM should be in handcuffs is if she brings them over to your apartment in Newark with a bottle of wine. And even then, they would be furry pink handcuffs with a plastic slide release on the side. I don’t think this is what the LA police use.
I could be wrong though, I’ve never been arrested in LA.

Oh memories.
How about this LA, I will trade you 1 Mel Gibson and throw in the entire cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey for 1 Lindsay Lo?

Come on you, know it’s tempting. Granted, Radar Online would probably hire some high powered attorney to get Mel out of jail because they still have like 16 more drunken “Smile and Blow Me” tapes, but that’s besides the point.
You could even tell people that you captured Saddam again. Most American’s were too busy Boo-Hoo’ing about Bush to realize that we found him and put him to death, so you Libs can really milk this one. Barry could be like “In exchange for Lindsay Lo, Saddam has agreed to serve the jail term,” and everyone would go crazy and then he could give Lindsay a congressional medal of honor and everyone wins.

CHOOSE AMERICA!
HOPE!
CHANGE!
FREE LINDSAY LOHAN!
In conclusion

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