hot blonde girls with heavy eye makeup

How long until they find Cara Delevingne pissing in one of the CBGB toilets in the Met exhibit.

Mon, 06 May 2013 19:53:15 -0400

How long until they find Cara Delevingne pissing in one of the CBGB toilets in the Met exhibit.

4.10: Alt LitLilo

Fri, 03 May 2013 21:54:00 -0400

I waited in the SUV outside of the first rehab I tried to enter.

That number shouldn’t be necessary. I shouldn’t have to number my rehabs like they numbered the reasons why they sent me there.

I sat in the car while a person I sort of know and a person I never met decided where the next ninety days of my life would play out.

“Play out” is the wrong way to put it.

It doesn’t matter how I describe the time I would have spent there because the person I sort of know got back into the SUV and we drove away.

The first rehab had lost their license so I couldn’t stay there.

“Me too,” I said when he told me the news.

The person I sort of know asked, “What?” and I responded, “I lost my license too.”

The person I sort of know did not laugh at this, and he did not agree with this, and he did get on his phone, and we did keep driving.

I did not get on my phone because anyone contacting me would not have the key to get me out of this and they almost certainly helped me get into this. I’ll have to thank them for their help.

The first rehab… lost their license. I think about that. Everyone knew where I was going. Did no one think to mention this small detail until I was at the front door? Did they not care? I arrive at forgiveness very quickly because I didn’t care when I lost my license either. Now I know why people got so frustrated. Now I know what the right choice was.

When I was told to stay in the car, the person I sort of know told me that if I went inside the first rehab, they wouldn’t let me out. I asked why and he asked me, “Why do you think?”

I imagined it playing out. I would’ve walked into rehab- just following directions. I would’ve given up my time- just following directions. I would’ve set out the small suitcase of items I was allowed to bring- just following directions. Then the warrant would be issued, and I would be out of rehab, again. Back in jail, again. I would be told all of this happened because I didn’t follow the judge’s directions.

The person I sort of know finally got off his phone. He turned to me and said, “You’re in luck.”

“This is luck? A SUV to rehab? That’s ‘luck’?” I asked him. He ignored my questions and said, “Shawn is going to bail you out of this mess.”

When he said, “bail you out” he meant she was going to help me. I had already been bailed out, literally, by Shawn, again and again and it felt like it would happen again and it did happen again, but that time she wasn’t there. That could have been my fault, I’m told. I’m lucky, I’m told.

We kept driving. More calls. My phone stayed off. The person I sort of know never stopped talking. He said only four sentences to me after leaving the first rehab.

“You’re going to Betty Ford. Everything is fine,” the person sort of know told me, then smiled.

“Betty Ford, like the place where I assaulted a woman?”

“No, Lindsay. Betty Ford, the place where you allegedly assaulted a woman.”

We arrived at the second rehab. I prepared myself to stay there a second time.

“Is it safe to get out this time?” I asked.

The person I sort of know assured me it was safe.

I think that’s how this all started in the first place.

Still the best reaction to my blog I’ve ever received.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:09:02 -0400

Still the best reaction to my blog I’ve ever received.

4.9- Lilo Mugshot Photographer For All The Campaigns.

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:17:00 -0400

~my essence distilled in a single photograph~

This is my 10th Lilo post.

Each time I start one of these posts, I look at a picture of Lindsay and say, “Okay, girl. You aight. Keep it together. We_Gon’_Make_It_- Jadakiss_feat._Styles_P.mp3”

And, you know what, things do end up okay.

Then Lindsay gets FRAMED, AGAIN.

On tumblr I read about all sorts of systematic failures that continually put the same ppl behind bars despite them being totally innocent, and I was like, YES! and I think we should call this ~-~Lilo’s Law~-~. Everyone I was in a fraternity with went to Law School after college so I think I will wait til their shift is done at Surf Taco and get them together to make Lilo’s Law a reality. “We cannot keep imprisoning the innocent, while letting the guilty go with a slap on the wrist,” people always say to me when I discuss Lilo’s legal trouble with them. Then I say, “I agree, they should stop persecuting Lindsay,” then the person is like, “What? That’s not what I’m saying, at all. Are you even paying attention to this conversation? Are you just hearing what you want to hear, then agreeing with your own thoughts?” and I’m all, “Listen, I’m not the one on trial here.”

And Lilo shouldn’t be the one on trial either.

If Lilo was on a high school sports team she would receive zero punishment for all the things she’s done, and she’d also probably receive a nice jacket, free pizza and maybe a case of Powerades or something. Is that how you spell Powerade? It doesn’t look right, but the other option is PowerAIDS and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially those high school athletes because we know how they are.

For a while there, Lilo was doing well. Sure she punched a gypsy in the face, but “Right to Punch Gypsies” is the 16th amendment and you can’t take that way from us, Mr. Pres!!! Before she had to beat a gypsies ass, Lilo had the Liz movie, then post-gypsy beatdown she finished up The Canyons.

The Canyons was supposed to be a turning point. Finally, Lindsay could get out of the shadow of her actions, and James Dean could get out of the shadow of his big dick. It was a fresh start for everyone, even for that weird old guy who directed the movie (and who might also work in Accounting where I work). Every day I see him scanning documents, and I want to be like, “So what’s Lindsay REALLY like,” but I’m not 100% sure he’s the director yet so I drop subtle questions like, “So have you see James Dean aggressively fuck anyone lately?” I don’t want to be too obvious about him being a famous director, that would be rude.

I’m worried about the promo for The Canyons. Bret Easton Ellis is my favorite author and his The Informers screenplay is one of my favorite screenplays. I want this movie to be a success so Lindsay can buy that Halle Berry lawyer back, and Bret can get his scripts produced, and James Deen doesn’t have to fuck that gross looking Sophie Dee.

Lindsay won’t be going to jail, thankfully. She’ll be in 90 day lockdown rehab. I think that most rehabs probably have CNN uplinks so that the stars who get caught DWIing/Cheating/Saying Racist Stuff/Tweeting Dick Pics can still do interviews while they’re doing their “very serious rehab” so the promo cycle should be fine, and The Canyons will go on to win an Oscar, or maybe even something prestigious, like an AVN Award.

Even though Lindsay isn’t going to jail, she had to get another mugshot taken.

I checked out the mugshot to see how it ranked in my collection, and SHE LOOKS FUCKING PHENOMENAL.

MUGSHOT GOALS.

EVADING LEGITIMATE RESPONSIBILITY GOALS.

EYEBROW GOALS.

The mugshot is a fantastic picture of Lilo. It’s right up there with the pictures that Terry takes of her. Actually, matter of fact, looking at the work that Lilo Mugshot Guy has done, I want to say Terry Richardson? More like Terry PoorerPicture, Am I rite?

I look at this beautiful Lilo picture and compare it to other photographers and I’m like…

Steven Meisel? More like Steven MyJobIsInJeopardy.

Juergen Teller? More like Juergen-a TellHimHe’sOverNowThatLiloMugshotGuyIsHere.

Mert & Marcus? More like Mert & MarkUsAsLessTalentedThanLiloMugshotGuy

Mario Testino? More like Mario TestingMoTechniquesToGetAsSkilledAsLiloMugshotGuy

Lilo Mug Shot Photographer has shut shit down in the fashion world.

Imagine if Lilo winked in this pic? COVER OF I-D

Imagine if Lilo wasn’t wearing that weird Yankees dugout getup and was wearing a bikini? COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE? Kate Upton? More like Kate GetTheFuckOutOfTown because Lilo is here to slay the SI Swimsuit issue.

Lilo Mugshot Guy, in my opinion, is the most powerful photographer in fashion at this point. If anything bad ever happens to me and they need to take my mugshot, I will use my one phone call to contact Lilo Mugshot Guy and I’ll use the money my parents gave me for bail to get an exclusive session with Lilo Mugshot Guy.

90 days of rehab is a long time, but a picture is forever.

Thank you, Lilo Mugshot Photographer, for reminding us that life is beautiful and so is Lindsay.

55.0 True Life: I Was a Prada Exclusive

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:17:00 -0500

Me at PRADA AW13 Photography by Luca Campri

Inspo: Daph

Yes, guys, that is me backstage at Prada.

I have finally lived my dream.

It was a cold New York City day in February as I arrived as an EXCLUSIVE for Prada.

As soon as I walked into the tent, there was an energy around me.

“I’ve finally achieved my life-long goal. Glee was right, it DOES get better!” I said to myself as I poured a bottle of Smartwater on my head, then removed the bag from a nearby trashcan so I could wear it as a shirt.

There I was, backstage at Prada. I think everyone would agree, I was incredibly inspiring. It was a living testament that, no matter what anyone says, if you have a dream you must do everything you can to achieve it… and it will come true! Unless the dream has to do with time travel or whatever.

Even as I was experiencing this amazing triumph, I still had ~-~haters~-~. People around me said things like:

Who is the wet homeless guy?

and:

Girls, you cannot bring your dad backstage! Get him out of here!

and:

You’re not a model, and this is womenswear, and you’re a man, sort of.

and:

This guy looks worse clothed than Lena Dunham does naked.

and:

Code blue. Repeat. Code blue. Get Daphne to the safety checkpoint. This guy could be dangerous.

I closed the show by having the guards chase me while I yelled, “Stop immediately! I am a close relative, my name is Tom Miuccia!” and they argued back,”Miuccia is her first name, not her last name.”

It’s just like my girl Coco Rocha says, “I’m Coco Rocha, a model. Look at me. I am Coco Rocha. Please acknowledge me. Don’t look at my age on my drivers license Please acknowledge me. Please. Please. Please.”

I totally related to that iconic quote since I was finally a model!

And, yes, to address the rumors I AM banned from New York City now (it happens to the best of us, CC: Jenny Humphrey), but the good thing about fashion week is that it changes cities! On to Jersey City fashion week I go!!!!!

~-~CU on Da Runway~-~

HBGWHEM 54.0 ICONA POP

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 21:25:00 -0500

HBGWHEM 54.0 ICONA POP

I run a classy blog. I have very high standards for this blog.

On other blogs, you will find short posts about vague troubles that are created in the hope that the sentiment is universal enough to get eight notes and two reblogs. You won’t find this foolishness on my exceptional blog.

On other blogs, you will find gross and inappropriate content, including, but not limited to: pornography, gore, MPreg, bruises, cutting, Yaoi and Julia Nobis. You won’t find that filth on my outstanding blog.

On other blogs, you will find a bunch of selfies, taken at exactly the right angle on a shitty enough webcam that an average looking person looks desirable. You will find a lot of those on my blog, I’m not gonna cover up that fact.

On other blogs, worst of all, you will find AUTOPLAY.

Hearing autoplay is like owning a beautiful Game of Thrones dragon, but the dragon, when it opens its mouth, plays One Direction.

You’d be like, “Behold, a cool fucking dragon, you could paint a mural of it on the side of the van and it would be so metal,” and everyone will be like, “Fucking awesome, she has a dragon. That is almost as good as owning a Shiba Inu.”

You would get acclaim and your blog would get very many hits. Not as many as mine, but don’t let that get you down, you still have a dragon even if your blog is inferior to mine.

All people would love you and your dragon and your blog, except for the people I’m facebook friends with who would be like, “YOUR dragon? Excuse me? YOUR dragon? Do you hear yourself. You can’t OWN a dragon. A dragon deserves to be free and then must have the same rights as a bipedal human, besides the right to walk on two feet because they having flying skills. If you disagree with that, if you think dragons should walk on two feet then you need to check your mammalial privilege.” Your dragon would get so sick of being told how they feel by a whitegirl with a blog that he will let out a mighty roar, which, unfortunately, would be One Direction’s hit single “What Makes You Beautiful” and all your serious fashion blogger friends will leave you and will plot against you and your dragon. They’ll say things like, “We’re left with no choice but to murder that beautiful creature.” Or worse, “People don’t understand the genius of what Raf is doing at Dior.”

I don’t have autoplay on my blog. I won’t add autoplay to my blog. But, like, okay, OJ Simpson wrote this book called, “If I Did It,” and think of this like the OJ Simpson “If I Did It,” for Autoplay.

Wait, you were born after the OJ Simpson trial weren’t you?

Let me school you on the #1 trial of the century (sorry Casey Anthony, gotta up your game, gurl.).

OJ Simpson was famous because he was in a really funny movie called Naked Gun 33 1/3 (get it, that is funny because there is a fraction in the number of the movie and you are like “How is this a fraction of a sequel”, but then you realize, “Oh that is a joke, that is a very funny”. Apparently OJ Simpson was also a football performer who, I don’t know, did many touchdowns and zero safeties and was good at, you know, third down conversions. He did so many third down conversions, in his day. I remember it well, we were at the football stadium and it’s third down, then here comes OJ and he does the conversion. I think it might also be like a third strike and you’re out thing? I don’t know, sports has a lot of threes. This is feeling dark and bleak and Illuminati. Lets talk about something more positive. Where were we? Ah, yes, OJ Simpson. What a legend. OJ was beloved by everyone and might have been Jesse Jackson’s running mate for president, probably.

After converting on third down and football and movies, OJ Simpson murdered a white woman. Then he got in a high speed police chase. Then he got arrested. Then he, like, I guess hired Kim Kardashian’s Mom to represent him. She got him tons of magazine covers and you know how Robert Kardashian has his own sock line? OJ got his own glove line. It was very buzzy at the time.

Next, Kim Kardashian’s mom got OJ a book deal. He wrote that “If I Did It…” book and Kim’s mom made sure that the ghost writer that helped OJ on the book was not a white woman.

That concludes your history lesson.

”I don’t need no skool, I have HBGWHEM to learn me,” ~ some tween who will never make more than minimum wage for their entire life.

Please don’t quit school to stay home and learn American History from my blog. Use my blog as a reference so when your teacher is like ‘Roe Vs. Wade’ is really important for all of us,” you can be like, “If these Roe and Wade bitches are so important, how come Kim Kardashian’s mom didn’t get them clothing lines? Huh?” and you teacher will jump out a third story window because she is embarrassed and your classmates will raise you up onto their shoulders and chant your name.

So, to my point, “If I Did Have Autoplay…” it would be this song by Icona Pop.

It is the PERFECT autoplay song.

Eleven Australians just stopped reading this blog so they can illegally download “Manners” to make the song the first on their Autoplay.

And I don’t judge them for it (I judge them for it).

This song is currently the best song to have on a blog, besides the new FALL OUT BOY. “Manners” might actually edge out the new FALL OUT BOY because every time I sing the “I’m on FIIIIIYYYYYAAAAAAAA,” part of the FOB song, people are like, “You most certainly are.”

This song also has a message. It’s about Manners. Here is a chart about it:

Yesterday, I was listening to this Jack White interview and he was talking about how new technology, in the past, demanded the evolution of situational manners so interactions on this new tool wouldn’t be mis-interpreted and I was like “Shut the fuck up, Jack White,” then I closed the window and downloaded his album off mediafire.

I always consider Manners when I write this blog. For example, that video above is all Day-Glo and I was like, “Is this video cultural appropriation from the Flipmode Squad?” Busta Rhymes definitely did a Day-Glo video like this. Was this pretty bby, IDK what her name is, let’s assume “Icona”, was she being a racist bigot and being ironic about manners? Is “Manners” not a song about “Manners” at all? I couldn’t be sure because who wants to listen to lyrics? Eventually, my fears were calmed when I remembered Joel Shoemaker’s Batman had a Day-Glo scene and NOTHING is whiter than that movie. That movie has zero rhythm and is consistently embarrassing. If there was some sort of White Guy channel that played white guy stuff, Joel Shoemaker’s Batman would play as often as “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” plays on BET. Joel Shoemaker’s Batman is so white that I read a tweet by Martha Stewart today that contained; 1. Living in Connecticut, 2. 42 inches of pure snow, 3. Riding a snowmobile-> and that tweet still wasn’t as white as Joel Shoemaker’s Batman.

Icona Pop seems awesome. The girl in it looks like Faye Reagan.

(Context: my last name is Reagan.)

(If Faye was my cousin, I probably would. Sort of like the Lara Stone thing I covered earlier.)

Icona is probably foreign. I’m okay with that. If she said, “Tom lets live in the foreign shithole I’m from,” I would follow her there. I am that much of an Icona Pop fan. I wonder if they have other songs besides “Manners”.

Maybe Icona Pop is the official band of blog autoplay?

Icona Pop, “As heard on GucciGucciPucciCunt’s tumblr” a sticker on their CD will brag.

Icona Pop clearly is the best band to put on your autoplay and now, when you have that song on your autoplay, if people question you, point to this post and say “Read this and get back to me,” then the person will not read this because it’s a fucking post half about OJ killing a woman.

In summary, Icona Pop is the One Direction Dragon of your life.

~-~never 4get~-~

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 23:09:09 -0500

~-~never 4get~-~

HBGWHEMVLOG 12: Lilo, Dating and Jennifer Hating

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 20:36:39 -0500

HBGWHEMVLOG 12: Lilo, Dating and Jennifer Hating

HBGWHEM 53.0 The Carrie Diaries. Hello. I’ve hit a new...

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 19:53:00 -0500

HBGWHEM 53.0 The Carrie Diaries.

Hello.

I’ve hit a new low.

I’m going to liveblog the Carrie Diaries in ~10 minutes.

If you’ve made horrible mistakes in your life and therefore will be watching tonight, you can click this link-> HERE and keep refreshing it as the episode goes on.

I’ll liveblog until I choke on my dinner and suffocate and no one finds me for 11 days because I live alone and the only reason they will know something is wrong is because one of my faithful Australian readers will be like “Tom never finished his liveblog of The Carrie Diaries” and then somehow that will end up engraved on my tombstone.

Gossip Girl narrates this show.
I think a Fanning stars as Carrie.
Carrie’s mom is already dead.
Carrie’s sister’s name is Dor-It.
The dad is already laying on a guilt trip about Carrie’s mom being dead. He’s like “Ur mom always said that the second worst thing after cancer is ppl who are late for school. It was a really close second. It was like cancer and school tardiness as Batman & Robin of shit she hated.”
Carrie is raiding her dead Mom’s closet.
This is directed by some guy named “Miguel”. I can imagine no better person to tell the story of a young girl in NYC than some grown Latino man.
They just introduced fifty characters.
Carrie seems “supremely popular” besides “the dead Mom thing”
There is an Asian.
They are talking about Vcards.
Carrie is “The Last Virgin” which would make more sense with SJP Carrie.
If you told me SJP was still a virgin, I would be like, “Yeah, makes sense”.
Seems like Carrie won’t be a virgin by the second commercial break if this is a Josh Schwartz show.
Seems like young Carrie will have to get mauled by a chimp and have full facial reconstruction to become old Carrie.
They went from a scene with the blonde guy and Carrie talking outside of the pool to another scene with the blonde guy and Carrie talking, inside a pool.
His parents are putting a pool “in their house”. Seems 80’s.
Carrie just died.
Carrie was raised from the dead. Her Dad came and was like “You’ll never be your mother so stop trying.
Carrie just got a job in NYC at a law firm in exchange for not dying.
Dor-It is also a Fanning.
HBGWHEM fact: 14% of the teenage girl population in America is a Fanning.
Dor-It is a tween rebel and nothing will stop her.
Carrie is Jackson Pollocking a purse with nail polish. She wrote her name on the purse so people can remember her character name. I hope the blonde guy gets a purse too because I have no idea what the fuck his name is.
“skitterypigeon said: Ooh this purse painting montage.” I feel bonded to you SkitteryPigeon, like we are in a war together and while things seem incredibly bleak, we’ve gone too far to turn back or to turn the channel to Switched at Birth.
The Dad is giving Carrie to the mean streets of NYC in the 80’s. She’s like the blonde crimped Dinero.
Her boss might be Molly Ringwald or all old gingers besides Julianne Moore look like Molly Ringwald.
A black girl just complimented Carrie and Carrie pushed her over and was like “HANDS OFF ME, MUGGER”.
The black girl is also British.
The black girl just stole.
Carrie was just like “Do you need money or something,” she really has the Stars Hollow Connecticut mentality.
Seems like a bold programming move to not give the Azn girl glasses.
The way they went to commercial there, with the gradually zoom in on Carrie’s face in the back of the cab, I thought she was going to off the cab driver.
They just introduced fifty more characters and the original fifty characters seem to have been written off the show.
The Indian guy from the Wes Anderson movies is in this show. He’s like the Molly Ringwald of Indian dudes.
I think the Azn is preg. Did anyone else get that vibe?
Carrie is like Jenny Humphrey before she was stabbed to death and replaced by Taymom.
The blond kid is smoking crack in a red convertible and it’s less than Less Than Zero.
2 scenes ago Carrie was like “I don’t know any gay guys,” then the guy who picks her up from the train is like “I know this might sound bizarre, but I vomit when I think about vaginas.”
Dor-It ran away. I think I’d rather watch Dor-It’s show.
Dor-It is back y’all. She either has bad acne or freckles.
Carrie threw a tantrum because Dor-It returned and is a far more interesting character.
Carrie’s dad is like “I always wanted a boy and instead I got you and Dor-It. I win the fail lottery”.
He pulled the, “You mother thinks lateness is worse than the British” again.
Carrie got grounded and shared a warm embrace with her father. That’s how being a teenage girls works right.
I like this end part. It is like a tumblr textpost that would get lots of notes because it’s “universally true”
The episode ends with the mean girls looking distainfully upon a splashfight.
Wait no. It ends with the dad like “Here’s your mom’s dumb journals. She was such a whiney bitch. The only good thing about those journals was she could write down her thoughts and feelings and I wouldn’t be burdened with them.”
Sort of wish whoever wrote this episode bought a journal.

HBGWHEM 52.0 Mia Goth. Dear Blondes, I hope you had a fantastic...

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 15:59:00 -0500

HBGWHEM 52.0 Mia Goth.

Dear Blondes, I hope you had a fantastic New Years Eve!!! I bet it was filled with fun and booze and hot guy/girl, girl/girl, girl/Andrej action.

Hi Brunettes, I bet you did some really kewl social justice blogging as the ball was dropping and you were alone, cat by your side, 47 tabs open in Chrome, listening to A$AP Rocky, wearing an oversized men’s t-shirt, snuggling with your warm MacBook charger.

Now that New Years Eve is over, it’s 2013.

Azn people report that 2013 is the year of the snake.

Think about snakes.

What was the first thing you thought of when I mentioned snakes?

Probably that time you women ate that apple and fck’d us over for ever. Now we have to wear pants because you. I hope it was worth it. You haven’t even stuck to your diet. You started out with apples and now you’re eating an entire frozen pizza, while surrounded by empty diet coke cans.

Or maybe snakes make you you think of the time that BritBrit danced with the snake. That was good. She can’t dance with snakes now because she has kids. Could you imagine if the snake ate Sean Preston Federline-Spears? Do you know how many people on twitter would make “Did a dingo eat your baby” style jokes? It would be a nightmare. Luckily, Britney would still have the other kid because she really Jessica Simpson’d those youngin’s out. Then she bounced back, while Jessica… well she just bounces.

But probably, most of you, when I said “Snake”, thought about this moment:

Sorry to bring up bad memories, but, yes, Han Solo was murdered by a snake. He is dead and now Star Wars is getting rebooted by that guy JJ Abrams who is so shit, he made a BAD ELLE FANNING MOVIE. That’s like me giving you a bar of gold and you invest it in the New York Jets. ~-~Sports Reference~-~ 2013 blogging. Increasing my fanbase. Covering new ground. Footballs. Superbowl. Touchdown. Redzone. Halftime. Flag on the play. Trade deadline.

Obviously, we all forgave Shia Labeouf for murdering Harrison Ford because that shit ass Indiana Jones movie they made together was worse than that movie where Harrison Ford was a morning news anchor with Regina George. Lets face it, even if Shia didn’t get Harrison, Regina was definitely going to fill his bed with scorpions or something so let’s just be happy Harrison Ford peacefully left us, surging with the extra potent venom of that snake that Shia bought from PetsSmart like two hours before the Kids Choice Awards. Sure, it’s unfortunate that, in the aftermath, the snake got loose in the audience.

Shia = good with neutralizing Decepticons, good at neutralizing Harrison Ford, bad at neutralizing a poisonous snake in the isles of a tween award show.

I think most of you know this about me, but I’m a Shia Labeouf stan.

Yes, I, Tom Reagan, am a Beouffont.

I first got into Shia during that Even Stevens where Shia is dressed as though he was riding penguin, and everyone’s eyes are removed, and they become milk fiends, and there is a cloning machine that kept cloning Stevens’. I sat there, atop my penguin, and I was like, “Finally a kids program that deals with REAL WORLD issues.” Other than the Saved By the Bell where Slater got AIDS, children’s TV usually avoided heavy topics like cloning and milk and eyeball removal in public schools.

We all know that Shia is the 5th best actor of all time, the four ahead of him being:

Brit-Brit - Her work in Crossroads. I was SURE she was going to lose her vcard to the Mac guy. She made me BELIEVE it.

Taymom - She was great in GG, except for her ~-~trigger warning~-~ inducing vcard loss. She was also great in that Gus Van Sant movie about sk8ter bois. I don’t remember what the name of it was but I think the tag-line was something like, “UR a sk8ter boi, I’ll cya later boy, someone has been murdered in a remote part of town, I rlly wanna date a boy.”

Queen Latifa - The white guy is like “I’m gonna do this,” and the Queen is like “What, no you ain’t,” and he is like, “I drive a compact car,” and there is a flash cut to a scene of big ass Queen Latifa in the little car and she makes a sassy joke about how the car must be for circus midgets, but the scene gets cut from the final movie because the term “midgets” or “the m-word” is deemed too controversial due to the looming NAAMP (National Association for the Advancement of Midget Ppls) boycott.

Gemma - Remember when she was in Pirates? Remember in The Strangers when she murdered Liv Tyler (not with a snake)? That was conflicting for me. On one hand I was like “What Gemma wants, Gemma gets,” but on the other hand I was like, “NO LORD PLEASE SAVE LIV TYLER NO WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY NO LIV. LIVE LIV!!!!”

Shia, 5th best actor of all time, starred in two movies with Megan Fox and then they went on this French TV show that had a “That was easy” Staples button that you could hit if you felt uncomfortable and K-stew hit it like forty times when she went on there because she is kstew. When Shia went on with Megan they were like “How do you da perfect kissing?” and Shia and Megan KISSED. It was erotic.

After that French boner saga, Rosie replaced Megan Fox in Transformers because Megan Fox might have called Michael Bay “Hilter” and I think like they gave her the Pulitzer for being so accurate with a character assessment. Shia had to move on to other movies and, along the way, he met this girl named Carey Mulligan and they fell in love because Shia probably was a big fan of the play “Oliver Twist”.

It was dark days for being a Boueffant, but luckily they broke up because Shia probably said something like, “Other than the weird ass banana scene, An Education has to be the most by-the-numbers, predicatable, dry, boring, girl-porn, ~-~ohhh da expirences~-~ movie ever.” They parted ways because of Wall Street 2. No one left Wall Street 2 unscathed. I think Wall Street 2 was what stopped occupy Wall Street. Everyone was like, “I can’t stand there, what if they think I’m filming a sequel to Wall Street 2.”

After the breakup, Shia was once again a FREE MAN, no longer restrained by Indiana Jones, Victoria’s Secret Hilter or Oliver Twist.

He had the world in his hands and then he met MIA GOTH.

Mia Goth.

MIA GOTH.

M1@ G0th.

DO YOU COMPREHEND THAT NAME?

2013 Best Name Winner: Mia Goth

2013 Best URL: Myspace.com/miagoth

2013 Best All: Mia Goth.

Shia found a girl name Mia Goth.

Here is what I know about Mia Goth.

Mia Goth just finished filming “Nymphomaniac” with Shia, Charlotte Gainsbourg (Who was in that insufferable movie about Kiki Dunst having to deal with Oliver Twist’s boyfriend from An Education or maybe it was Jack Bower from 24, either way the movie sucked a bag of Mulligans).
Mia Goth is named MIA GOTH.

Mia Goth is clearly 2013.

“Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.

Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth. Mia Goth.”

~ An Unpublished Keats poem

2013 will be Mia Goth’s; and she will share the year with Shia.

I know what you’re asking… ‘Tom, have you even seen Mia Goth act?’ and to that I say, “Did you hear how amazing her name sounded when you said it? Mia Goth. Doesn’t it just feel good?”

You’ll probably follow it up by asking, ‘Tom do you know anything about Mia Goth, at all, besides her name?’ and to that I ask a question back, “Did you just try to dismiss the name Mia Goth? K1ll Urself. Now.”

You’ll probably ask, ‘Tom, isn’t Mia Goth in the new Von Trier movie and when he was promoTing that horrible Kiki Dunst movie, he said that he related to Hilter. His career was taken away from him, how is he making a movie?’ to which I will respond, “No, you only get your career taken away by being a beautiful woman or a gay man and making Hilter comments. Megan and Galliano were blacklisted, but Von Trier has somehow been Mia Goth-listed. Life is not fair. Life is not fair. The first female prez will be brunette. 2013 is pointless. I am feeling so so so so so so so so Mia Goth.”

45.1 HGBWHEM2k12 Here is a countdown of the most popular HBGWHEM...

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 21:15:00 -0500

45.1 HGBWHEM2k12

Here is a countdown of the most popular HBGWHEM posts written in 2012, as per statcounter.

(Robert Pattinson Audiobook available wherever blog audio transcripts are sold) (Enter coupon code KarlieKlossShittySupercutsHaircut for 20% off at checkout!)

10th most popular post-> I became a Blieber and stanned for Selena in a video, but then Bieber wanted to get up in B-Balv’s body for sex and now my Selena stanning is something I don’t want to repeat-peat-peat.

9. I had a mental breakdown when Kstew became a turboslut.

8. Speaking of mental breakdowns, here’s a post I wrote about my Mischa Barton campaign MONY2012. Donate here (yes this really is her depressing ass webstore.)

7. I wrote a requiem for my muse, Gemma Lee, when she left the internet to go have actual experiences with other human beings. Boo Boo Stewart despite being the finest actor since Gary Oldman, is not a good blogger and he took over Gemma’s blog, much to my dismay.

6. I wrote a “really disgustingly racist” post about the worst model of our generation, Ming Xi and the ultra supreme Azn, Soo Joo.

5. My twin Walter Montgomery pretended I died in Hurricane Sandy because I wrote a “disgustingly racist” post about the worst model of our generation, Ming Xi.

4. Walter Montgomery stole my blog again after I wrote my #1 most popular post and anonymous people sent me messages like this one:

3. I campaigned against women’s rights with Rick Santorum in this post when Miley used her rights to chop off her bun and become p!nk=(

2. Literally no one else cares about this besides me, but I find you all retched anyway so I don’t care and I’m using my blog powers to make this number 2.

After I spent 8 straight days making this video and Bambi ignored it. Then I made this video when I was holding back tears and this post where I tried to get her attention and about fifty other mentions of Bambi, she finally acknowledged me.

Technically, my #1 post of the year was a post articulately titled “1f U Luv Summink Lettergo. 1f 1t cumz bacc, make her urz 5eva” that got 452 notes, but I think no one actually read it and reblogged the picture- that’s why it’s not on the list. The next post got me attention I hadn’t seen since what will forever be known as “The Great Andrej Dick Confusion of 2011”.

1. My most popular piece was about my two least favorite things in the world, tumblr special snowflakes and Cara D. If either of those things describe you, read the post, unfollow me and move to one of those states in the middle of the country where no one can find you. Not one of the good ones that gave us HBGWHEM Jillian or precious angel Wixson… go to New Mexico. Where is that? Exactly. That state seems like it has self confidence issues, like you do. If you were a state, you would definitely name yourself New Mexico. It would be roll call and they would be going through everyone picking their names and Washington would be like “I’m going to be Washington after the famous general!” and Maine would be like “I’m Maine because I’m the main motherfucker on this map” and Arizona would be like “I’m Arizona, like Tom’s amazing subtumblr FrejArizona,” then it would get to you and you’d be like, “I’m… New Mexico because people keep putting up walls to keep me away =( .”

Happy Daphne Day everyone. Here’s a little something to help you celebrate-> ^_CLICK ^

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 12:24:00 -0500

Happy Daphne Day everyone. Here’s a little something to help you celebrate-> ^_CLICK ^

HBGWHEM4.7 LINDSAY LOHAN COMEBACK BLAWG: ENTRY 2583 The...

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 19:52:59 -0500

HBGWHEM4.7 LINDSAY LOHAN COMEBACK BLAWG: ENTRY 2583

The words in the picture above are a play on the movie “Liz and Dick” that premiered on Lifetime last Sunday and gained all the ratings in America. It was more successful than even the election or Honey Boo Boo.

The words in the picture above don’t mean she was physically dicked.

Author’s Note: I would like to physically put my dick inside of Lindsay Lohan’s body.

The dicking that Lindsay most recently suffered ( No Mayer) was when she was arrested last night. It was metaphorical.

I learned of the arrest when AznWorkBFF gchatted me. This was a breakthrough my my relationship with AznWorkBFF since things were rough between us lately. There was quite the tiff resulting from her listening to the Christmas Pandora at work and she came across, as she put it, “This bullshit ass Ali Lohan Christmas album” that “honestly makes me feel dirty” and “Jesus did not ask for these songs on this birthday. Thou shalt not… do whatever Ali Lohan is trying to do here”. Strong words. She knew I stanned Ali for 1.3 yrs and she still told me this.

The gchat I received from AznWorkBFF today was exact exchange:

AznWorkBFF: Lilo got arrested again.

AznWorkBFF: -________-

AznWorkBFF: Like what is wrong with her?

AznWorkBFF: STOP GOING OUT. Just stay at home.

AznWorkBFF: The woman she punched is 28, but looks 42.

All of this information hurt me very much, like she was once again attacking Ali’s Christmas album, but unlike Ali-gate2012, AznWorkBFF was right this time. It was all true. The sentence that hurt the most was, “The woman she punched is 28, but looks 42.” I mean, Jay Leno just ejaculated in his 1924 Model-T car when he read that sentence. “Lindsay Lohan was arrested for punching a girl who was 28, but looks 42. She was quickly released from jail when she paid for the mirror she damaged.” If that joke isn’t on Leno tonight, I will eat my chin.

Like AznWorkBFF said, all Lilo had to do was sit on the sofa for this week. With the most popular movie in the history of lifetime (as in our lifetime not the Lifetime network) all Lindsay should have done was… you know… chilled out drinking vodka and smoking cigarettes. Okay, yes, in Liz and Dick all Lindsay did was hang around and drink vodka, while smoking cigarettes. Okay, yes, there was this bizarre feeling that Lindsay didn’t know the cameras were running and she was just relaxing between scenes while the very good Grant Bowler did a great Richard Burton. Those are minor details. I went to the mall the day after Liz and Dick and visited my friend Mike who has been stanning Lindsay with me since Herbie: Fully Loaded. I was like “Mike, what did you think of Liz and Dick?”. He was silent for a moment, then said, “The costume design was very good.” That’s the type of compliment you give when your girlfriend makes you dinner then asks you if you like it and you’re like, “It tasted better than what I imagine what the last moments of my life will taste like- you know, when I’m choking down acidic stomach bile and the metallic taste of blood is everywhere.” We agreed that the “interview” scenes were quite good in Liz and Dick. Lindsay was in a good place. Was.

This brings me to my Michael Lohan-like plea.

LINDSAY LOHAN PLEASE START SMOKING POT. LIKE RN. OKY?

If we get Lilo on pot, all day, every day, her career will be fixed.

She can probably get a prescription for it, look how good prescriptions work for Britney Spears and Demi Lovato. Both those girls are like, X Factoring America and… doing whatever X Factor does. Making One Directions or something. The point is, both of them used to be fucking insane and we were about two weeks away from Cuti Lovato slicing off all her skin, then Brit Brit wearing it like a raincoat. Now they just X-Factor and never get arrested.

With pot, Lilo will never get off the sofa. It will be the best because she will only leave for dutch wraps and if you keep a stock of them at the post production studio for The Canyons, then she’ll actually show up to work.

Under this plan, at worse;

Lilo ends up wearing a poncho?

Ali Lohan starts a jam band?

Lindsay’s voice… stays the same?

Lindsay, we have your get out of jail free card (but it is illegal so please don’t get caught with pot on you.)

Me as Terry.

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 11:49:46 -0500

Me as Terry.

36.2 Tom Is Dead From The Hurricane. Hello. Good news. Tom is...

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 12:48:00 -0400

36.2 Tom Is Dead From The Hurricane.

Hello. Good news. Tom is dead.

As you know, Tom made the suicidal choice to live in Newark, New Jersey and a storm of One Tree Hill proportions hit Newark and washed him away. It was like the state of New Jersey was flushing the toilet and all the shit got sucked down (This statement was meant to say that Tom is shit FYI) (He was the shit in the story)(NOT IN THE WAY THE THRILLING HIT TELEVISION SHOW ‘REVOLUTION’ ON NBC IS ‘THE SHIT’. I MEANT POTTY STUFF).

RIP To all the victims of Hurricane Sandy besides Tom.

Now that I no longer have to live in his anorexic shadow, I can take over this blog and post about real topics. If you liked Tom before, please unfollow this blog. No longer will this url be a place filled with Tom’s disgusting bigotry or his gross obsession with Koreans. It will now be a blog of ~-~acceptance~-~ (except for Koreans).

THE NEW OWNER OF THIS BLOG IS TOM’S NOT-DEAD TWIN, WALTER MONTGOMERY.

Spoiler Alert: I am Walter Montgomery.

I have hacked Tom’s password twice before.

Spoiler Alert: His password is DaphsButt

I hacked it once *here* when he was BODY SHAMING ABBEY LEE KERSHAW. SORRY TOM, SOME GIRLS CAN BECOME MUMMYS WITHOUT BANDAGES AND IT’S OKAY. I WISH YOU LEARNED THAT BEFORE YOU JUSTLY DIED. Who knows where your corpse is now. Certainly not wearing CHANEL.

And then once *here* I came to get mad because he was either being racist against Ming or some other reason, I don’t remember, but it was AWFUL and DEPLORABLE and UNFUNNY and do you think this sweater makes me look Korean?

No? Good. I paid $17.99 PLUS SHIPPING from the Sears Roebuck internet shopping website. LANDS ENDS S/S 2013 YES PLEASE GET ON MY BODY. ARE THOSE PLEATS? GIMME MORE. Oh my gosh, gross I wasn’t quoting Britney, I’m not TOM.

GUYS, SHOULD I USE THIS URL TO POST FUN POLLS LIKE WHICH TRACK WAS UR FAVORITE OFF CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S LAST CLASSIC ALBUM BIONIC???? You can’t spell Bionic without I, O, N, I, C and mix them together and you get ICONIC. Coincidence? Or did Socrates just realize when he was sculpting in the English alphabet that Xtina would SLAY with Bionic? We don’t have History classes at my college, ITT Tech, but if we did, they would probably say the sentence I just wrote, but it would be in a book OR MAYBE I COULD LOOK IT UP ON MY PANTECH TABLET COMPUTER. 2 GIG OF RAM = literally almost one Skeet Ulrich movie can fit on my tablet. SKEET ULRICH CAN I INTERVIEW YOU FOR MY NEW BLOG. HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU GOOD? IN THE ‘SCREAMS’ MOVIE WAS THAT REAL MURDER? DID YOU BEAT A MURDER CHARGE? DOES IT FEEL GOOD TO MURDER?

Okay enough about Skeet Ulrich (IS IT EVER ENOUGH ABOUT SKEET ULRICH? NO. PROBABLY NOT. EVEN SKEET’S LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND PROBABLY IS LIKE I GET NEVER TIRED OF SKEET NOT EVER, EVEN IF HE IS A BAD ROOMMATE OR WON’T MOVE HIS CAR IN THE MORNING WHEN I HAVE WORK AND HE DOESN’T BECAUSE HAVE YOU CHECKED IMDB RECENTLY I MEAN FOR SERIOUS).

LETS DO LISTS. I’ll start. Learning About Walter (alternate title: Reasons why I am better than Tom.)

1. Not dead.

3. I STAN FOR CHRISTINA.

4. My female friends consider me a bit of a ~-~matchmaker~-~

Scary fact: Did you know that off tumblr some girls haven’t realized they are all lesbians yet????? It’s like helloOoO do you even know anything about how things work in the world of life? I didn’t think so. You are lesbians. Stop being not one. I help them realize these things.

5. I own an ELITE ~-~Windows Phone~-~

2. I’m a bit of a TV Junkie.

6. A famous photographer has not so much said, but hinted I’m his muse.

7. Animal Lover.

8. PROVEN WINNER.

So basically that is my resume. Impressed peasants? That’s what I thought. Thank you for your time and thank you for the storm that killed my twin brother Tom.

I hope you look forward to the new direction of this blog.

Hugs and baby kangaroos, Walter Montgomery =)

51.0 Ann Coulter Fall is here You know what that...

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 18:58:00 -0400

51.0 Ann Coulter

Fall is here

You know what that means.

My birthday.

I will be turning: 19, 24, 25, 17, 28, 20, 22 or 29 depending on which day you’re asking and how severe my vlada bags look.

Another important thing is happening this fall.

Ann Coulter’s birthday.

Ann is not getting any younger. Neither am I. If this relationship is going to happen, it’s going to have to happen soon. I have a drinking problem and Ann has a liberal problem and neither of those grant long lifespans. Do you know how many liberal waiters there are in America? All of them. Ann has probably eaten more waiter ejaculate at fine dining restaurants than Adele has eaten plates of food at fine dining restaurants.

This fall, Americans are faced with an important question…

How can we get more eyeliner on Ann Coulter so I can feature her on HBGWHEM?

I don’t know anything about politics and Ann doesn’t seem to know the Walgreens makeup section from Pat McGrath’s makeup counter so Ann and I both have lots of work to do. Other than that, as far as I can tell, we are perfect human beings with no flaws and we are made for each other.

I have tried to learn about politics. I wrote that piece on Megan Mccain and then whatever the wife of Mitt Romney is called and both of those pieces taught me a lot about politics, but I still have more to learn.

What the fuck is the debt ceiling?

We should raise it. There was this song by the rapper Luke called “Raise the Roof” one time. I listened to it recently. I suspect it’s about the debt ceiling. Here is what the possibly homosexual run site “Metro Lyrics” list for the lyrics to the song:

“Don’t say [Incomprehensible]how ya feel

Now like a pimp talkin’ out, comin’ here

South side ready to get loose

[Incomprehensible]pump ya fists and just raise the roof”

It appears that even the left leaning Metrolyrics does not understand what the debt ceiling is.

Another issue this election is “Will Ann Coulter think I’m erotic?”

I have done some research regarding her exes to make sure she isn’t into something I can’t achieve like “Financial Secure Guys” or “Black Guys”.

Here is a list of her past boyfriends:

Boyfriend: Bill Maher - Seems like a typo
Boyfriend: Dinesh D’Souza - Seems financially secure.
Boyfriend: James Tully- Probably a folk singer.

Boyfriend: Bob Guccione, Jr. - Definately from New Jersey like me.
Boyfriend: (Democratic Senate staffer)-Seems like another typo

Boyfriend: (FBI agent)- Hope he’s not the jealous type.

According to this review, Ann seems to be into “All types of dick” which seems democratic, feminist and American.

I may not be a Bob Guccione, Jr., but I will still work to make Ann happy.

I’m trying to think of other political things that are important.

Gay marriage seems important and I’m sure Ann supports it because I’ve seen a bunch of trannys who kinda seem off-Coulter sort of in the way your friend is like “Look at my new Gucci bag,” and you’re like “How did this poor bitch get a Gucci bag?” so you look at her tweets and a lot of them were geotagged near Canal Street a couple days ago. So Ann and I support the gays I’ve decided. If the world is going to let a dark prince of hate like myself and a perfect giant princess like Ann Coulter get married, I think we should let Anderson Cooper marry John Travolta.

Hmmm other politics things. Mitt Romney got in trouble for saying he has binders of women. I have these super cute Taylor Swift notebooks!!! Which is Republican. WHOA I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND THE ALBUM IS CALLED RED AND THE REPUBLICAN’S COLOR IS RED B/C OF THE SLAUGHTER OF THE RED SKINS TO BUILD AMERICA. Now that we know that Tayswift will play my wedding, we need to pick a song off Red to walk down the isle to.

RED SONG SELECTION FOR WEDDING:

Hm. This album does not seem like a good wedding soundtrack.

Oh my gosh, remember when Tayswift wrote “Speak Now” about when her friend’s true love was getting married to someone who didn’t deserve him. That is what I will be like if Ann gets married to a person that is not me and I will show up to the wedding with Tay and her guitar and I hear the preacher say “Speak now or forever hold your peace” and there’s the silence, there’s my last chance. I stand up with shaking hands. All eyes on me. Horrified looks from everyone in the room. But I’m only looking at Ann Coulter. The whole time, I’m acknowledging that I am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion, but Ann Coulter’s not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl (even though there is nothing wrong with gay marriage IMO).

In the middle of Ann’s wedding, people will slowly start to agree that I belong with Ann and it will turn into MY wedding with Anne.

But everything isn’t perfect, Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco is pacing the pews in a church corridor, and he can’t help but to hear, no he can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words.

“What a beautiful wedding!, What a beautiful wedding!” says a bridesmaid to the waiter (who will be carefully screened).

“Ah yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom’s bride is a whore,” Brendon Urie will say very loudly, at which time I’ll be like “Don’t call my wife a whore” and then Brendon will be like “You’re marrying Ann Coulter, everyone calls her a whore on twitter,” and I will be like “Oh yeah, LOL,” and Bendon will be like “Lol” and Tayswift will be like “This wedding is doomed” and John Mayer will get blamed and Ann Coulter and I will live happily ever after as long as Pat McGrath does her makeup every day for anytime she attempts to speak with me face to face.

XOXO Tom Coulter-Reagan.

I wanted to treat myself to some fine dining tonight so I was in...

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:29:10 -0400

I wanted to treat myself to some fine dining tonight so I was in Walgreens buying my dinner when I found THESE RED NOTEBOOKS.

ONE MORE DAY UNTIL TAY

HBGWHEM 0.2: Overprivileged White Person Poetry Slam. I know...

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 19:35:00 -0400

HBGWHEM 0.2: Overprivileged White Person Poetry Slam.

I know I haven’t updated regularly but I have been busy

~~jerking off to this Taylor Momsen video~~

~~having a wank to this Taylor Momsen video~~

~~adjusting the contrast on this Taylor Momsen video to see if I can ‘see pussy’~~

watching Brad’s new Chanel No 5 video.

There. Good save, Tom. As I stated above, I have been a normal person just doing normal stuff. Brad’s hotly anticipated Chanel No. 5 video hit the internet and since then I’ve just been

~~staring longingly at Brad Pitt~~

~~wondering “Is this a message from Brad to me, like, personally?”~~

~~wondering “Is Brad happy?”~~

~~deciding “Brad can’t possibly be happy without me.~~

jerking off to Taylor Momsen.

Shit.

Um. Here is this.

All better.

It’s clear by these two videos that were both released this week to critical acclaim that poetry is back!

“It’s fantastic to see two average Americans share their story of living and struggling in the middle class.” ~Mitt Romney

“I’m gonna bookmark this Taymom video until I’m really horny, then I watch it” ~ Me

So as you can see, all the hip people have weighed in on these videos.

At first I was disgusted. How typical for a corporation to engage in the cultural appropriation of a genre comprised almost entirely of black lesbians. This is like the time we stole rock and roll from Jimmy Hendrix and gave it to Taylor Momsen.

But, with a clear mind ~~that comes along after cumming onto the back of that worthless Sarah Jessica Parker Vogue that just arrived~~ I realized that poetry is how I can express myself. It’s like blogging, but easier.

The only time I have ever written poems were for HBGWHEM Jillian

And for DAPHNE GROENEVELD

Both of those poems were massive successes and broke all poetry book records by selling over 5 books.

Poetry seems like the best possible art form to express yourself if you’ve sustained a life threatening wound and you don’t have time to put effort into your feelings.

I watched the Taymom video and here’s what I got out of it:

*Those new jeans brick red jeans I bought are really hard to take off.

*I need to shave my chest.

*I need to shave my chest?

*Why did I take my shirt off for this?

*Fucking firefox. Sersiously? We haven’t even made it past the title card and you’re already frozen.

*This is a minute and fifteen seconds long. Seems like a pretty long time to listen to poetry for.

*Taymom’s voice.

*This seems relevant to my blog.

*Not HGBWHEM, the shitty over indulgent out of focus too close cinematography side-tumblr I have.

*Taymom said all her “friends are enemies”. Therefore, I become Taymom’s enemy and by default we have to be BFFs.

*This is getting violent and less fun to jerk off to.

*Gradually getting better to jerk off to.

*I think the last part of the poem is about Titanic. White people love Titanic.

*SPOILER: TAYMOM NUDITY. GRL HAS THAT SUMMER BIKINI BODY. WHAT IS UR SECRET TAY? SHAPEMAG.TUMBLR.COM EXCLUSIVE PIXX RIGHT HERE.

Then I came.

When I watched the Brad video, here’s what I got out of it.

*What is Brad doing in this room, has he been kidnapped?

*Kidnapping Brad Pitt Goals.

*I like his hair long.

*Heard there are massive reshoots on World War Z. Seems like that is a gift to guys who write horror movie blogs since it has “shoot” in the topic and it’s a movie about zombies.

*HBGWHEM contest: Send in your creative headlines about the World War Z reshoots.

*Feel like this video could use reshoots.

*This smells less like Chanel No5 and more like Karl.

*I bet Karl has a wall in his house that just plays this video.

*Brad said ‘plans disappear dreams take over’. This seems like an invitation for me to kidnap him.

*You know, like he planned to do the World War Z reshoot, but then my dreams took over and I stole him.

*But, yeah, I would still let him fulfill those reshoot obligations because I’m looking forward to World War Z.

*On the car ride over I would make it clear that the reshoots were part of my dream.

*Brad would probably be like, ‘Why didn’t you just dream the movie was good in the first place so that we could go back to your apartment and watch Party of Five on DVD.’

*In the end he’s like “inevitable” and I was like “Wait, what? Yes. Wait. What is though? But… yes. Agree.”

Now I am more of an expert in white ppl sadness poetry.

It seems to contain these elements:

Black and white.
Sexualization.
Monotone.
Jumpcuts.
Cerebral humor.
Regret.
Just doing it to get more money because money is cool.

I’ve written a bunch of novels, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to write another poem. I wanted to not just steal someone else’s art form. I wanted to own it. I wanted to create a poem that was like if Biggie wrote Perks of Being a Wallflower. This is what I wrote:

BLACK & WHITE (WALLS)

Last night I was alone

So alone. Or so i thought.

I farted in my bed.

So loud.

My bed is near the wall.

The wall is near some random Indian family.

The wall laughed.

Or those beyond the wall laughed.

I knew it was because

my butt made a trumpet noise

so loud it breached drywall.

Or maybe cider blocks.

I’m not sure on the

architectural details of this

cone of sadness

Cinder blocks are thick.

Cinder blocks are used for foundations of basements.

Cinder blocks are used for jail walls.

Cinder blocks are not thick enough to silence your ass noise from that Indian family.

~-~Chanel No5~-~

HBGWHEM 50.0 Anne Romney - First Blonde In The White House I...

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 19:06:00 -0400

HBGWHEM 50.0 Anne Romney - First Blonde In The White House

I have been researching things on political stuff.

My last name is Reagan so I spend a good portion of my days lying about my family heritage. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting choked up when people mention Ronald Reagan. “Grandpa, I miss you,” I will stay, then I will whimper and I’ll hold the bridge of my big nose.

Everyone knows that I’m very politically active. I live under 30 miles away from Occupy Wall Street. I am part of the movement (the movement has a 50 mile radius. everyone knows that about movements). Shame on the people in Upstate who live out of the Occupy range.

My favorite political philosophers are Immortal Technique, Katie Couric, and Ezra Miller. I am studied. Please don’t try and challenge me on these issues, you will just end up embarrassing yourself.

For the last election, I wrote a full profile on John McCain’s daughter that you can read here. I’m pretty sure her father was elected president and my post will be a footnote in history because it brought out the 17 - 24 yr old Australian Girl vote.

I once wrote a profile about the Hannah Montana stan prez George W. That was also political.

Now I am writing about the big event in November.

BREAKING DAWN PT 2. How are they going to handle press? They can’t force poor lil’ puppy RPatz into the cold hateful arms of KStew. That’s not fair. I don’t care how many millions of dollars this movie has to make to beat Harry Potter, don’t send RPatz back to that evil woman. Can you believe I’ve gone spoiler free about the entire movie? I swear if you send me an anon about what happens, I will statcounter your location and hang Romney 2012 signs all over your house. If Emmit is still a character by the end of BDPT2, then I will officially quit life. I’m not totally sure why Jacob will be there? I mean, wasn’t his whole beef that it would violate the treaty if Edward stuck his vampire meat rocket in Bella? That seems political as well.

I think that we can all agree that this year, the election is about Women’s Issues.

Mitt Romney says he knows a lot about women’s issues and so does congress and I look like I could be in congress, except I have better hair / have hair.

I know that the biggest women’s issue right now is when do the new CW shows start.

I will vote for anyone who gives tax breaks to the CW Network.

Romney CW Shows:

Gossip Girl - Rich Assholes Being Assholes.

90210 - Rich Assholes Being Assholes.

The Carrie Diaries - Rich Assholes Being Assholes.

Arrow - IDK what this show is, but it archery seems Mormon.

Ringer - This might be canceled? If so, it’s a metaphor for the social programs that will be lost under Romney.

The Vampire Diaries - Rlly old white people bleeding small towns dry.

ANTM - Tyra’s ego run wild, avoiding all signs of actual reality.

LA Complex - Rich assholes being rich assholes.

Heart Of Dixie - The South

Obama CW Shows:

Supernatural - It’s pretty much just fan service gay jokes ever since Kripke left.

Breaking Pointe - Sassy ballet.

Oh Sit! - Show about chairs.

Emily Owens M.D. - A Show prob about Obamacare

Now tell me, who do YOU think will save the CW?

OBVIOUSLY ROMNEY.

Anne Romney, is Mitt’s wife. You probably don’t recognize her because Mitt likes to “use her sparingly”, which is a good idea because Mitt knows about women’s issues newayz so why is she there? I get tired of her if Mitt uses her too much.

She wore a cute dress on Leno.

There is one thing that gives HBGWHEM pause. Her makeup is not very heavy.

I mean, maybe Romney is going for a combined ticket. I put together an image to demonstrate=>

Look at that. That is a ticket you can support.

I looked up campaign songs and I found out Romney used “Panic Switch”, which I’m hoping is a Panic! song.~-~Leno is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on~-~ - Ann Romney.

I watched this thing called the Republican National Convention that had a really weird cast of all my relatives and Clint Eastwood. I didn’t see most of his speech, but I know that he probably talked about the important issues, like the Nielsen ratings don’t take into account online viewing and it’s like WTF no one watches Supernatural on it’s Friday timeslot, you always just watch it on a Tuesday night, after you get home from work, and before you’re headed to bed and you accidentally break a cup and you start looking at it as a metaphor for life and you start uglycrying in the kitchen. Everyone knows that’s how modern 18-24 demos watch their TV. Clint

Eastwood also talked about another important issue in America. CHAIRS.

Aren’t chairs annoying? I mean, think about it, our precious constitution was signed by guys sitting in chairs. And now, here I am, a million years later. The iphone5 is here, and we are still sitting in chairs.

I think, Eastwood might have mentioned, under the Romney administration, we will all get PILLOW PETS. Have you ever seen a pillow pet? It’s what a 2012 chair should be.

~-~Romney Care~-~ Sorry ur dyin’ but look, it’s a bby giraffe. It’s okay, put ur butt on it. That’s what it’s there for.

I wasn’t totally watching, but I’m almost sure that Eastwood ended his speech with, “Go ahead, make me a kawaii peguin pillow pet.”

My thoughts exactly, Clint.

So remember, probably no one reading this can actually vote, but if you could, vote Romney for:

1. Bigger budgets for the CW.

2. Batman guest appearance on Arrow?

3. Superman (Tom Welling version) guest appearance on Arrow?

4. Early cancellation of Arrow?

5. Pillow pets.

6. Lilo circa 2009 spray tans.

7. No more chairs.

8. 24 hr Leno/Big Love network.

9. Secretary of State - Skrillex.

10. Hannah Montana reunion?

HBGWHEM 49.0 SOO JOO My friend from tumblr refused to speak...

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 20:06:00 -0400

HBGWHEM 49.0 SOO JOO

My friend from tumblr refused to speak with me for 1.4 days earlier this week. That is 1.4 days IN A ROW.

This might be because I wrote a 2.3 page “Press Release” about the “reboot” of “Curious George”.

I might have mentioned that the Curious George remake would be live action.

I mighttttt have mentioned that they had casted Ming Xi in the role of Curious George.

I mighttttttttt have fabricated a comment that, “Ming can’t talk for shit, but neither can Curious George, so we feel like she’s the only girl for this role,” then attributed it to James Cameron. I’m not totally sure why James Cameron is involved with this reboot, but I assume it’s probably because he’s bitter than his ex-wife won that oscar for the Hurt Locker over that movie that BAMBI LIKES. Aw. I just thought about Bambi ^_^

After that, I mightttttttttttttt have said that the last Curious George movie featured an entire soundtrack of Jack Johnson songs, but this one with Ming would feature an entire soundtrack with Hatebreed songs. I’m not sure what type of music Hatebreed makes, but I can guesssssssss.

So, as you can see by the evidence, I had greenlit a Curious George reboot and tumblrfriend wasn’t speaking to me. The ups and downs of life. With great remake casting comes great Emma Stone dyejobs.

What could save my damaged relationship with tumblrfriend (besides tickets to the Curious George premiere red carpet gala).

I assumed nothing could repair this. I assumed this was the first 1.4 days of the next 1.4 weeks of my life.

Then, this:

DAPHNE AND CAROL. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND.

God saw that I had dug myself a deep hole with the Curious Ming scandal and he knew that he had to assemble two of my top 5 to get into a picture.

IMAGINE BEING IN A ROOM WITH DAPHNE AND CAROLINE.

I won’t have to imagine that soon since I will be turning this photograph into wallpaper. Sorry giant Hannah Montanna wall sticky, you will have to come down for this DAPHNE GROENEVELD x CAROLINE TRENTINI Godsend.

My tumblrfriend sent this picture to me and the healing goodwill of this photograph reunited us.

This made me realize that there’s more to life than multi-page press releases about fake reboots I make up just to be rude to an already inferior model. I guess I was just mad that Ming got more work than WORLDS BEST AZN, SUE JEW. Wait, just checked the spelling on that.

SOO JOO.

I first learned of Soo Joo because Lil Wayne mentions her in the chorus of this song->

The only remake would ever cast Soo Joo in is the remake of that really bad, poorly lit sex tape I made 4 years ago. I hope that the remake will be longer. I don’t think the original was long enough to even cut a trailer. I think the original lasted about as long as the music loop of the DVD menu of the original Curious George.

I will also have Hatebreed to do the soundtrack to that movie.

I like thinking about Hatebreed.

I know nothing about them, but what I like, I find enjoyable.

Presumably, Hatebreed is a band of thirty four to thirty six year old white males. I imagine that at least three times in their career, they have gone to a friends garage- some amateur photographer- and they stood in front of a white background to take promo shots for their Facebook profile. I bet at least two of the men chose their outfit to include black bandanas that were folded thick around their head, like large forehead tattoos. This fashion look is probably 1 part- “Looks badass” and 2 parts “Fuck, my hairline”. I bet, through all the promo shots, the band members made that meanman stare face, except for the last couple snaps, when the photographer said, “How ‘bout some silly ones, just for kicks,” and the men of Hatebreed showed off their free spirit side. 99% hate, 1% your pal, Joey- that’s Hatebreed’s motto that I just made up.

When one of the members of Hatebreed dies early from (select 1 of the following: Car accident, Drug Overdose, Drunken Drowning in a Pool) there will be a tribute song that Hatebreed records. “None of the slow shit, Joey hated that shit… except for Jack Johnson’s version of the Curious George soundtrack, but we don’t have cover rights for that,” the lead singer of Hatebreed will tell the crowd, right before the premiere their song. They will have to cut live footage of the performance into a music video because they won’t have the money for a real video because, I mean, for fucks sake, their name is Hatebreed. At the end of the video, they will have that silly picture from the day they were goofing around. Fans will be like, “RIP Joey. Hatebreed may be dark mongers of hate, but look at that picture, they also like sicking their tongues out and bein’ goofballs.”

In future concerts, Hatebreed’s lead singer will again address the crowd and say, “Who wants to hear that real thrash Hatebreed shit? None of that pussy ‘Curious Ming’ or ‘Tom & Soo Joo’s Romatnic Evening For Your Viewing Excitement’ soundtrack shit, the real shit!” The crowd will celebrate, but there will be a small group that will feel betrayed by Hatebreed. The fans of the soundtrack work will only Mediafire this new album and they will inattentively listen to it twice, while multitasking a history paper that has to be submitted in the digital dropbox in two hours. Here is what all of these papers will look like:

My Azn Princess, Sue Joo, probably does all her papers way before the due date. She speaks perfect English even though she’s not from America. Curious. She’s from the same country as Gangnam Style. Seems like a chill place. I think it’s the good Korea. These facts will help me relate to Soo Joo, when I meet her. I will be like “Soo Joo, I see in your country that you have dance offs in parking garages. In Newark, where I’m from, we have freestyle rap battles in parking lots.”

Later, at dinner (I will pay because I am a gentleman)(obv), Soo Joo will bat her heavily eye makeuped eyes and tell me, “It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you, Tom. You had me at ‘rap freestlye battles’.”

Then we will kiss and leave the restaurant and I will tip well and we will go back to her place and get started on the reboot.