After like 12 impressive views on Myspace for the last blog of HBGWHEM, it turns out that people are tired of me dancing around the fact that I really want to write every post about Taylor Momsen. In response, I promise not to mention Taylor Momsen at all this post. I have lots of time to write this entry because I flaked out on my plans. I was supposed to go to Warped Tour, but couldn’t get the energy to do my hair or find a fun outfit. There weren’t that many bands I wanted to see anyway. I will still never forgive myself for missing The Pretty Wreckless perform liv-
SHIT. You caught me Kristin. I agreed that this blog would be all about you and somehow I always end up back in one of two places, of those places being Taylor and the other being a Dakota. Both places are places I can’t be because they will lead me to a place I don’t want to be (jail). So lets travel to a place I do want to be, Cali, to visit the beautiful Kristin Cavallari, MS.HBGWHEM6.0.Hi Kristin.
I remember when I was first introduced to you on the show, Laguna Beach. The show had just premiered when I arrived at college. You were a young hot blonde girl with heavy eye makeup. I was in love, even though I was pretty sure that I had ordered your last name as a hors d’oeuvre at the ESPN Sportszone once. LB was this amazing new reality show that was shot like a movie and everyone I knew watched it.
Kristin, you really fucked things up for me pretty bad. Your show was filled with good looking people, at the beach, under really sexy mood lighting. Every girl I met at college watched your show. I lived in a dorm, with another guy, who slept like 5 feet away from my bed, and we had this intense florscent lighting in the dorm that made my skin look green. The view out of my window, instead of the beach, was of South Orange Avenue. The sound of ambulances and cop cars racing to some Newark savagery was omnipresent. I don’t care what anyone says, girls love the sound of waves crashing, yet they do not like the piercing mechanical scream of a cop car siren as the poor officer races to the scene of some war zone that broke out because a pair of new Nikes had been scuffed. These years were bad for me. I was a sex-less bleach blonde wanna-be eminem.
These years were good for you. You were a bleach blonde heavy eye makeuped picture of perfection.
I think you began to realize that you were totally fucking over my chance of having sex with any college girls, so you chose not to go over to The Hills when Laguna Beach ended. It had been two seasons of me not having sex because I didn’t look like that perfect nosed jizzbag, Stephen. You stepped away from MTV with the grace and foresight of a true HBGWHEM.
As The Hills progressed, Audrina got fake boobs, Lo aged in cat years and turned into Jennifer Aniston, Heidi got fake boobs, and LC left because she is a HBGWHEM, much like yourself. There was now an absence in The Hills, as though someone removed the Hollywood sign. The Hills ship was about to sink and, while most of the cast was now equipped with their own personal flotation devices, you still found it in your heart to save this rag tag bunch of LA kids.
The heavens opened up and you flew down on a cloud, all in front of the MTV cameras. I had fully recovered from the damage that Laguana Beach did to my ability to bag a HBGWHEM, and you looked hotter blonder and more heavy eye makeup-ed than ever. You and Brody had a super cute relationship. Your attraction to each other was palpable. Then that random skank came out of nowhere! Did she really say that she surfed? WTF BRODY.
For fucks sake, she was a BRUNETTE. What the fuck was Brody thinking? I was pretty heartbroken. I was confused. How could a normal dude like Brody pick a brunette over a HBGWHEM?

You had to leave and go to Europe. I understand. I just hope you went to one of those European countries that had lots of blondes, not some place like Italy where that stupid brunette brodywhore was probably from. I also hope you went to one of those European countries that are developed enough to have an internet connection so you can read this.
As the final scene of the Hills played out, I got a little choked up. That montage of everyone’s cup sizes increasing as the show went on made me remember all the good times ( the episodes you were in ) and the bad times (the episodes you weren’t in). The brilliant final scene of the show was Brody standing, watching your limo drive away. Then the background disappears and it’s revealed OF COURSE THIS WAS A FAKE END, NO ONE WOULD EVER PICK A BRUNETTE GIRL OVER A HBGWHEM. WE (me) at HBGWHEM salute you for your work on The Hills, Kristin. In conclusion

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