Dearest Jillybean,
I always thought
you were witty
and I liked your tumblr
but you finally
posted GPOYS
and i found out
you are hot
blonde
and impeccably makeuped.
Now I’m like
Why is she posting
anything that is not
a picture of herself?
Get that non-Jillian shit
out of here.
No one wants to see Devon Aoki
unless it’s a picture
of her
being fed
into a wood chipper.
(Like Buscemi in that movie).
Poor Buscemi.
I know this prose
seems flatter than Devon’s face
but I wrote this for you.
I hope you reglob it.
Even if it’s only
reglobbed on your
travel blog
which was underutilized
and scantly updated
tbh.
There may be
a slight age difference
between you and I
like that time Serena (HBGWHEM39)
was in love with her professor
then she accused him of rape
because (??)
then he went to jail
for like 6 years
and he had his sister
who was Katie Cassidy (HBGWHEM2)
chloroform Serena
in retaliation (??).
I would never have my sister
chloroform you
even though you seem
to like drugs
a lot.
I hope you wouldn’t
put me in jail
they probs wouldn’t convict me
anyways
on the grounds
we’ve never met in real life.
When that professor
got out of jail
he still loved Serena
and they started dating.
He was a fucking idiot.
I wanted to be like
“Dude you just spent
six years in jail
because Serena is
only concerned with herself”
but then I saw a picture
of you
and I felt like I could be
an idiot too.
I’d be popular in jail
with my cute body.
And nice hair.
And winning personality.
One time
I helped Maddie
meter a poem.
I’m glad she didn’t
see this poem
or she definitely wouldn’t
have accepted my help.
She hasn’t mentioned
the grade she got.
She probably has to
repeat the 12th grade
because of my metering.
I bet I did it all wrong.
I’m such a fuck-up.
I’ll never truly know
how to properly
meter a poem.
The meter you read
this poem in
is you read it
like you are Jillian
and then
it will be perfect.
So read it
with a cute voice
and a drunken slur.
I noticed you like
drinking.
So do I.
We have things in common.
Grounds for a marriage.
Galliano is designing your
wedding dress.
For our wedding.
If you don’t
agree to this.
I will accuse you
of a crime
(Jewelry Heist?)
(It worked for Lilo)
and send you to jail.
And I will e-mail
Katie Cassidy (HBGWHEM2)
and ask her
politely
to not agree to
chloroform me
when you ask her to.
Don’t worry.
We don’t need to
make babies.
I would never come
between you and Daphne.
Unless
you mean it in
the dirty way.
Lily Cole’s head
is the exact measurements
of a regulation size
NBA basketball.
Ewe.
I know you will hate this
and will be mad.
Your rejection
will knock me backwards
so hard
only LARAAA’s boobs
could cushion the fall.
