(OSCARS LIVEBLOG: KEEP REFRESHING FOR MY COMMENTS ON WHAT MIGHT BE THE WORST 3HOURS IN TELEVISION HISTORY)
(my anna selezneva inspired facial expression)
This actually could happen considering who is hosting the Oscars this year. The Academy seems to be keen on acknowledging no talent dickbags so my Oscar is as good as won.
Do you know who they picked to host the Oscars this year?
Ooops. Sorry I feel asleep in the middle of writing Anne Hathaway’s name. She is hosting the oscars… Anne Hathway, the original B.A.B. herself (Boring Ass Brunette) is HOSTING THE OSCARS.
This is mental.
How did this happen?
It’s like there was some sort of zombie apocalypse in Hollywood and every single human being who achieved even the tiniest amount of fame was eaten and so all they had left was Anne Hathaway. Hell, even in that scenario, I bet they would still pass on Anne Hathaway and just have the ceremony hosted by an ‘idea’ like “the 97th Annual Academy Awards, hosted by… the concept of centripetal force!”
I mean, let me type that out again, Anne Hathaway is hosting the Oscars.
How does this happen?
Was there a list of people she was chosen from? If so what does this list look like??
Possible Oscar Hosts:
Glen Beck, Derek Jeter, Muammar Gaddaffi, Anne Hathaway.
Decision person- “Ummm I guess… Hathaway?”
An Ellen Degeneres standup special at the Westboro Baptist Church would be funnier than Anne Hathaway hosting the oscars.
So please, join me as we watch what should be the biggest douche chill moment in modern history, the… um whatever number, let’s say 84th Annual Academy Awards…
- Russell Brand brought his mom to the Oscars. That’s a good sign about his marriage.
- Oh good. Those kids that perform choral versions of Keri Hilson songs will be doing a medley tonight. Can’t wait to mute that.
- Worst Dressed: PS22 Choir.
- Tim Gunn is queening out to Cate Blanchett, but I probably would too. Where is her hair?
- The linebacker lady is getting such crappy segments, “I just interviewed a bunch of poorly dressed kids, now let’s watch a segment on the lady who puts James Franco in a bath of ice when he O.D.s!”
- Watching the nominees Mom’s in HD was like looking at a piece of sidewalk in Camden. Cracks everywhere.
- Gaga wants Merissa Tomei to play her in a movie? She’ll never win the part over Marilyn Manson.
- Scarlett is something hot. I love that her lipstick matches her amazingggg dress. If I dyed my hair blonde, she and I would have the same haircut. Maria Maneudos dress is shit.
- They are making the lineback report on how fast Justin Timberlake is walking today. Can’t wait to for her report on how many shits Javiar Bardem takes during the ceremony tonight.
- They sent George Lopez’s son to do absolutely dick at the governors ball.
- There is an Asian person behind Matthew Mcconehay with the worst highlights ever. I’d still rather watch an interview with her over Matthew.
- Annette Benning is so dedicated to her lesbo movie that she seems to be still playing the character after wrapping the film over a year ago. Good earrings though.
- Anne Hathaway’s dress looking great. Good for Tim Gunn actually being able to talk about fashion to Valentino. I want Tim to be my gay best friend.
- Anne Hathaway has the personality of every person I’ve ever defriended on facebook.
- The linebacker finally got to interview a famous human being. How does Marky Mark have a full head of hear and Donny Wahlberg has none. Isn’t balding genetic?
- Maria Menounos has suchhhhh a tranny voice.
- Colin Firth is a good looking man.
- Aw a downs girl is being interviewed…. wait nope. Just Reese Witherspoon with her hair bumped. Who is the pig interviewing her?
- RDJ is dashing, but his tie suckssssss. Angie made his wife’s earnings so I like them even though I don’t like them.
- I wonder if Jennifer Hudson gets tired of people being like, “Whoa you’re not a fatso anymore,” every time she walks into the room. I like her Ace Ventura hairdo.
- Natalie Portman looks high…
- The fat chick is from Vanity Fair, that, or she worked two cubicals over from me last year.
- JT is bringing sexy back in Tom Ford AmIriteLOLAmiriteLOlamIrite?
- Someone stole Sandra Bullock’s necklace!
- HBGWHEM Nicole Kidman’s dress Ohhhfff. Not a good look. I loveeee her accent.
- Gwyneth looks FANTASTIC. So Hot So Blonde Great Heavy Eye Makeup. Let Gwyneth host the Oscars.
- I hope when Christian Bale wins best oscar, he accepts it doing the terrible deep Batman growl.
- BritBrit is gonna be on GMA tomorrow!!! Might pull an all nighter and watch it.
- Halle Berry looks hotttt. She’s the one black chick I’d do. Ooops was that too John Mayer of me to say?
- Maria had to think of descriptors and came up with, “we’re getting ready for a great show… that’s going to be… great.”
- If you get Inceptioned with Anne Hathaway you can only explore people’s nightmares, most of which are of Anne Hathaway hosting the Oscars.
- This was an actual line, “Mr Baldwin!” “Please, call me Mr. Baldwin.” Good to know that they also hired Anne Hathaway to write the script to the show.
- This sucks. At least James Franco is high for this.
- Can I liveblog something else? This fucking sucks.
- They had to put Tom Hanks first because no one hates him and it’s fair to say that EVERYONE hated the opening.
- Never though I’d say this… “Alice In Wonderland” won an Oscar, but it’s for art direction so it doesn’t count.
- Roger who shot Tru Grit lost to a guy named Wally FistHer who shot the cinematography for Inception. Roger shot one of the best Brad Pitt movies, The Assassination of Jesse James, watch it, it’s better than all the tripe nominate tonight.
- Jacki Weaver is up for best supporting actress and has an Australian accent so even if she loses the award, she wins my heart… awwwww.
- And Jackie Weaver lost. Melissa Leo won best supporting actress for her role in The Fighter.
- Just realized I should bold who wins because I’m a news source reporting on the Oscars.
- I like Mila’s boo- DRES-boob-booobssss. Dress! I like her dress!
- Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing made my a Chinaman so it’s probably really good animation. Wait. A Chinaman with an Australian accent… so he wins my heart too?
- Toy Story 3 won Best Animated Film. The guy who accepted the award was like, “Pixar is awesomeeee to work for making movies,” which probably plays well to the seven year old crowd, but not so great at the Oscars.
- Ew cream colored tuxes. Aaron Sorkin won best screenplay for The Social Network. Good call with the Paddy Chefesky reference Aaron. Network is a masterpiece. If you haven’t seen it. See it.
- Oh I guess that one was best adapted screenplay (like you care (like anyone is reading this)) Best Original Screenplay went to David Sodman or some old bro like that. He wrote The Kings Speech.
- Anne Hathaway is dressed in a dykey tux and singing a song. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. I spend a shitload of free time writing and I can’t put in words how fucking terrible this is. Even Hugh Jackman hated it and he eats this shit up. James Franco showed up in a dress. Again. He’s hotter than Anne Hathaway.
- My hair alter ego Russell Brand presents with that old lady I’d bang.
- In A Better World won for Foriegn Language Film. In a better world, this award wouldn’t be televised.
- Christian Bale won best supporting actor. They haven’t announced it yet.
- The bro who stole Laraaaaaaa lost to Christian Bale
- Christian Bale either started crying at the end of his speech or was trying to hold in an epic tirade against the guy who cued the music.
- Some person who is not only unfamous, but is also old and who is not only unfamous and old, but also fat, just got on the stage and was like we have the Oscars to 2020. But then they made up for it with HBGWHEM Nicole Kidman, my favorite actress who can do no wrong (if we pretend The Stepford Wives remake never existed). Nicole Kidman does an amazing job narrating a piece on music, then they play the Star Wars music because a true HBGWHEM is on the stage and BAB Anne Hathaway leaves in shame.
- Best actress ever, Nicole Kidman just gave Trent Reznor an Oscar. So perfect.
- Scarlett might have my favorite dress of the night. Her and Gywneth are going to have to
dykefight it out for my title of best dressed. I will end with the picture of the person who I think is best dressed.
- Sound mixing went to Inception if you were mixing the sounds of me watching Inception, it would be me talking to myself saying things like, “How long is this piece of shit?” and “Even if I was Ellen Page’s girlfriend, I wouldn’t sit through this.”
- Then they made another one for Sound Editing it seems excessive. It kept Scarlett on stage longer so I fully support it. Tired of people kissing Chris Nolan’s ass. Oh. Surprise, Inception one!
- Marisa Tomei’s tits look terrible in this dress.
- James Franco might be a genius, but he’s not a very good reader.
- Cate Blachett was in Lord of the Rings? That seemed like a very unHBGWHEMy movie.
- The Wolfman won for Makeup. The only thing I have heard about The Wolfman is that it has “Pretty good sideboob.”
- Alice in Wonderland won for Costume Design. The lady who accepted the award wore sheer black full sleeve gloves. Franco pushed her off the stage and took the Oscar back because of her tacky outfit.
- A very ungay Kevin Spacy did an acapella musical number before he talked about best original song. I wonder when he’s going to settle down with a nice girl.
- I hate Amy Adams as much as you hate her dress.
- Strangers No More a documentary short about the kids from ps22 won best Doc Short. Why is this being broadcast?
- James Franco’s nerdy younger brother made some emo looking Live Action Short film I didn’t catch the name of, but do you care?
- Um the Oscars just turned into a youtube video. And they autotuned movies. This had to have been Anne’s idea. They cut back to her and she was like, “There are cool things about this job” like being told I’m a shitbag. I might have added that last part, but I didn’t put it in quotes so it’s still journalistic.
- If the Banksy doc doesn’t win this is a joke.
- Banksy lost because of some doc called Inside Job which I’m pretty sure was fictional and starred Clive Owen. The Banksy doc is great. Watch it. the Queen of HBGWHEM appears in a Warhol style print in the film. I have been searching everywhere for a copy of the print. See Exit Through the Gift Shop. Now.
- Oh great. That’s what this award show needs. Billy Crystal.
- The Oscar for Editing went to The Social Network. Almost every time, the best Editing winner also wins best picture! The more you know—————*
- I’m never doing this ever again.
- Gwyneth Paltrow is singing and I really like it, but she’s sort of looks like she’s at the school talent show and might cry in a second.
- There was a montage of people that died this year. I tried to transcribe it for you but only got down Dennis Hopper and Betty White. Sorry.
- Halle Berry is talking about one of her friends who was in the montage or something. Why does Halle Berry look younger than I do?
- Some bro named Tom with a big nose won best director for Kings Speech. Totally BS Fincher and Aronofsky deserved it, but his name is Tom and he has a big nose so YESSSS TOMS WITH BIG NOSES RULEEEE.
- James Franco looked at the teleprompter, not squinty like usual. He looked scared, like on the prompter it said, “James, kill everyone in the audience. It’s your task, James.”
- I hope that Michael Cera wins best Actress just to keep people on their toes at future Oscars.
- Aw HBGWHEM Nicole Kidman was getting teary, then I was getting teary, then some blonde skank named Jennifer who they talked about next was getting teary.
- Oh the Jennifer girl was in Winter’s Bone. If you take one thing away from this liveblog it’s that Winter’s Bone Sucks. Here is the plot of Winter’s Bone-> My dad is gone. Everyone does meth b/c we live in the middle of the country. My dad did meth. People don’t want me to look for my dad, they just want meth. My dad is dead. I need to cut off his hand. I cut off his hand. Banjo hootanany. Yes. It ends with a banjo hootanany.
- Michelle Williams is hot and blonde and he has heavy eye makeup, but short hair. Mehhh.
- Natalie Portman won best actress all the people on tumblr with no friends will be happy about this because they really embraced Black Swan.
- Colin Firth won best actor! He should have won last year, but w/e, maybe he can change the plaque and add last years date as well.
- Colin thanked Tom Ford! He should have been like “Shame on you for not giving me this award last year for the amazing film Tom Ford created. You all make me sick. Good day.”
- The Kings Speech won best picture! I wish they went up there and were like ‘Fuck facebook! add us on friendster!”
And finally… best dressed goes to…..