There’s a new Mission Impossible movie being filmed. It’s either the third or the fourth in the franchise. The things I know about the Mission Impossible movies are:

   1. A Message Will Self Destruct.

   2. Tom Cruise is the main character.

   3. Tom Cruise has to, like, drop down on this wire contraption like Cir De Sole

   4. There might be four of these movies.

   This newest Mission Impossible stars Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s new BF, the guy from The Hurt Locker. I didn’t see The Hurt Locker, but I saw a clip of it during the Oscars. The things I know about The Hurt Locker are:

   1. It’s directed by a women so the inside of this guy’s hurt locker is probably filled with Zac Efron cutouts from Teen Vogue.

   2. Tom Cruise’s BF has to disarm a bomb while wearing a space suit.

   3. Should he cut the red wire or the blue wire?

   4. I think he ends up choosing the wrong wire.

hbgwhem,the hurt locker,unrepresented fiction author

   The Hurt Locker won best picture at last year’s Oscars because they didn’t want to give another Oscar to James Cameron because I guess he’s kind of an asshole. I don’t really get why that would matter though, they give Sean Penn Oscar’s every year and he’s a huge douche. Maybe they were just pissed that Zac Efron wasn’t nominated for his performance in Charlie St. Cloud so, in protest, they voted The Hurt Locker best picture because of the Efron photos inside the locker. Remember when that guy in Charlie St. Cloud is like, “Don’t worry, I don’t think anyone will be asking you to be the designated driver because you killed Charlie St. Cloud that one time when we did ask you,” and the Zac Efron punches the guy in the face. Well they awarded the oscar to Sean Penn for that scene.

hbgwhem,zac efron,the hurt locker,unrepresented fiction author

   In the Feb 2011 version of Vogue India (I bet they’re really pushing boundries in that mag) Tom Cruise’s BF promotes his new Mission Impossible movie with the most impossible mission ever. TO STEAL LARAAAAA.

   Everyone wants to steal LARAAAA so I bet that this is the plot to just about all the photoshoots they send LARAAAA to do with Tom Cruise’s BF’s or ex-BF’s.

   As always, I was going to write things on this pictures, you know, funny little comments, but then I looked into LARAAAA’s straight brow’ed deep gaze and I was unable to even open Microsoft Paint to change the image.

   Steven Klein shot this editorial and I’ll go through the pictures with you. Since this is Vogue India, the article is probably in… Indian… language… I have no cultural knowledge…. whatever, the point I’m getting at is that neither you nor I could read the story that goes along with this shoot so I’ve decided to decifer it myself.

hbgwhem,lara stone,unrepresented fiction author

   Tom Cruise’s BF holds into LARAAAA and he looks perplexed at her chest.

   “Why can’t Tom’s chest be this perky?” The Hurt Locker guy asks himself.

   He’s confused.

   “You’re so tall, when I hold Tom against myself, we’re both 5’5” and so it’s perfect. It’s like we were made for eachother.”

   The Hurt Locker guy looks more confused with LARAAAAA than he did when he was trying to disarm that bomb.

   LARAAAAA models her perfect ass off despite this strange troll covering her cleavage up in the picture.

hbgwhem,lara stone,unrepresented fiction author

   “They dressed me just like Tom Cruise in Collateral,” The Hurt Locker guy tells LARAAAAA.“It’s pretty nice, huh? Tom had white hair in that movie. Like Anderson Cooper. Do you think that Anderson Cooper will see this shoot and request that I do a shoot with him. You know, something arty, private, intense.”

   LARAAAAA looks at the ground.

   Steven asks The Hurt Locker to walk with LARAAAA to the car. “Show affection!” he tells The Hurt Locker.

   The Hurt Locker drapes his arm around LARAAAA’s perfect shoulders like he was posing with a random fan and not the trancentendal beauty, LARAAAA. I bet, when you meet LARAAAA in person, every fiber of your being fights with your common decenecy mental process to such a degree that your entire body will physically ache every second it’s not pressed against LARAAAA. Unless you’re The Hurt Locker.

hbgwhem,jeremy renner

   The Hurt Locker gets into a car with LARAAA and he’s horribly worried that he will catch the “Cooties” that Tom was telling him about on the set of Mission Impossible ¾ yesterday. “You remember that time I went batshit on Oprah?” The Hurt Locker remembers Tom saying, “That was because I caught cooties from Joey Potter.”

   Despite the unprofessionalism of The Hurt Locker, LARAAAA looks perfect beceause it’s impossible for her not to.

hbgwhem,unrepresented fiction author

   Unf. Look at her cheek bones. Look at that JACKET. Look at that fucking HBGWHEM, HBGWEMING.

   The Hurt Locker rolls down the window and Steven has to shoot the rest of the shots with The Hurt Locker’s head sticking out the window as he gulps in the air from outside.

hbgwhem,lara stone,unrepresented fiction author

  The Hurt Locker gets out in the middle of traffic because he’s convinced that, “…the cooties are on me! They’re all over me! Hold my hand intern boy. I think I’m dying. Get over here intern boy! Where’s your professionalism delicious intern boy?”

   An intern named Chaz holds The Hurt Lockers hand and, because LARAAAAA knowns fashion, she says, “Paint that Chad’s nails and then we’ll put it together in post.” Chaz has his nails painted and, with a strategic page break, Steven is confident that he can make it look like The Hurt Locker is holding LARAAAA’s hand.

hbgwhem,lara stone,unrepresented fiction author 

   LARAAAAA is wearing sunglasses on the other page. I don’t approve. That’s like painting sunglasses on the Mona Lisa. Uncool sylist lady. Save the sunglasses shots for the old bitches with crows feet like Ellen Degeneres. I want to see ALL of LARAAAA.

   They look at the pictures and they aren’t sure that people will believe it’s LARAAA’s hand. Steven, frustrated, says, “Fuck it, just put a black and white from earlier in the shoot in the bottom left corner. It will distract everyone and they won’t notice that The Hurt Locker is hyperventialiting and holding hands with Chaz’s painted nails.”

hbgwhem,lara stone,unrepresented fiction author

   They have to do a kissing scene. The Hurt Locker is tipped off by Chaz about the scene and he makes a break for it. He runs like he just heard that Katie Holmes is home early from a press tour. LARAAAA easily chases The Hurt Locker down since her stride is twice as long as The Hurt Locker’s 5’1” frame. She pulls the metal strap off her purse and threatens to kill The Hurt Locker if he doesn’t get this kissing scene done. She tells The Hurt Locker that she’s not excited about kissing a little troll either, but she’s doing it because she’s a TOP MODEL.

hbgwhem,lara stone

   LARAAAA sees what The Hurt Locker has shot and she’s embarassed to be in the shots with him. No one, I mean no one, embarasses LARAAAAA. She’s unhappy with The Hurt Locker’s shots and so she beats the shit out of him.

   Moral of the editorial: Lara Stone is one bomb that even The Hurt Locker can’t disarm.

hbgwhem,lara stone,unrepresented fiction author,blog