HBGWHEM 23: NEW BRITBRIT
The new Brit Brit is finally out!
Now that you’ve listened, let me get this out of the way…
Dear Shitty Jive Intern,
I know that you got to work today after a really shitty commute in a car that you didn’t think was even going to make it to work. I know how you feel. Trust me, I KNOW.
It’s Monday, you had a pretty crazy weekend, maybe didn’t get enough sleep and now, here you are, at your desk, exhausted. Your little tiny sliver of the Jive office is covered in something like 4000 promotional fliers for the new Tyrese album or whatever. You have to go around LA later and post them up on construction walls and hope you don’t get arrested. Yup, that’s what it comes down to, you could end up getting arrested by the police for something that has to do with Tyrese. You decide that you’ll wait to post up the Tyrese fliers until after you check your company e-mail, but before your friends wake up. You don’t want to run into your crush and when she asks what you’re doing you have to be like, “Oh, you know, just chillin’ and… um… hanging up pictures of tyrese, illegally. He’s shirtless on them. See? Yeah… The usual.”
Inside your e-mail is a note from your boss- 40 something, balding, Range Rover, favorite cd- some shit by Steely Dan. Your boss tells you that the new BritBrit single is out and today, for the entire day, you have to google your dick off and find every copy of the single and then send a letter that your shitty boss attached to the e-mail. The letter is from the company’s shitty lawyer. It”s the type of thing that is supposed to scare all the blogs, website, youtubers, private citizens enough that they take down the song.
Sure the record industry is in the shitter.
Sure there is no MTV to play the videos, promote them endlessly.
Sure you have a new song by an artist that was created by a TRL culture of a lot of people buzzing and getting excited about her.
Your boss doesn’t care. He wants you to send this letter out to everyone.
So here you are at my site. Site number 4,600 of the Britney Witch hunt. You’ve counted. Not because you wanted to, but because you have to log every website on a spreadsheet and then send the spreadsheet to some other person with an equally shitty job so they can check it.
Tomorrow, when you come in, even more people will have posted the file. That means even more googling your tits off. Even more lawyer letters. Even more listening to the single which you feel the following about:
This is what you BBM’d to your friend when he asked you about the new single. He also asked for a copy of it, but you told him you shut down all the websites with a copy.
And that’s what you’ll do. Again. And again. And again.
After every website has been warned with that shitty lawyer letter, you know how you’ll be rewarded? By getting the privilege to walk around LA and hang up Tyrese posters. After every construction site and telephone pole has been canvassed. After every Tyrese poster is hanging up in all it’s promotional glory. After you make bail for getting arrested for hanging up Tyrese posters. After all your friends abandon you because you shut their websites down and got arrested with shirtless Tyrese…
You will want to listen to the new BritBrit and you won’t be able to find it. Please, let me keep the BritBrit single up on my page and it will always be there for you. For me. For us.
I know it shouldn’t be here, but don’t “Hold It Against Me”