*Brought to you by Sobe: America’s 48th favorite beverage.
MORE LEAKS.
I told you I would leak all sorts of things now that I have a Tip line.
This time I got my tipped on some exclusive documents regarding the new Sobe campaign.
I have a MP3 file of the conversation on how they picked the new girl for their “HEY! Let’s Paint on Some Tits” campaign. My intern transcribed the dialog on the MP3 so that you could read it here on HBGWHEM exclusively! I’m not sure who the two individuals are on the tape, but they are probably old, white, business executives who look like this:
So just imagine that guy and his twin brother talking to each other with this dialog.
Here’s where the MP3 starts:
“Okay, we got that hot chick from Twilight to do the last “HEY, She Better Cross Her Legs or We’ll See Her Slit” campaign. 9 out of 10 Sobe Colored Water drinkers described the campaign as ‘Bonerrific’.”
“What did the 10th person describe it as?”
“Ew. Vagina.”
“Oh, okay, not our target market.”
“Exactly. We decided that when we nixed the Sobe Colored White Wine Spritzer.”
“So we need someone else who is ‘Bonerffic’ as the kids are saying these days.”
“Hm. I’m trying to think of people I’ve gotten boners to lately.”
“Taylor Swift?”
“There’s no way here people will let her do it.”
“But she pretended to be that gay guy’s boyfriend though.”
“Who. John Mayer?”
“No. The other one.”
“That Jonas brother?”
“No. The other one.”
“She dated 2 of the Jonas Brothers?”
“No, I mean the other gay guy she dated. The one with the beard.”
“Well, if you’re going to have a beard, Taylor Swift is pretty a bonerrific one.”
“She won’t do it. Who is a failed popstar that we can actually afford who gives you a boner?”
“Jessica Simpson?”
“Where the hell are we going to find enough body paint to cover Jessica Simpson’s body?”
“You’re right, I was thinking of Jessica Simpson from 2001.”
“That’s a totally different person.”
“Right.”
“Hey, you know who is pretty ‘Bonerrfic’?”
“Kate Goselin.”
“What?”
“What.”
“What the hell, man.”
“Sorry, who.”
“Blake Lively from Gossip Girl.”
“Oh! She is bonerrific. I wish her and Dan would just stay together already.”
“What?”
“Er. I mean, what a rack, right?”
“Right. Lets get her.”
*Calls Blake Lively*
“Okay, her people said no.”
“Why?”
“Well Coca Cola, Pepsi, Redbull, The Arizona Ice Tea Company and you, multiple times, when you were drunk apparently, have called Blake’s rep asking her to pose nude in ads.”
“Oh. Well we could always get the other Gossip Girl.”
“Blair?”
“Sure. I’ll call her.”
*Calls Leighton Meester*
“Damn. Her people said no too.”
“What was their excuse?”
“They seemed receptive to the offer, but I could hear Blair in the background yelling, “I bet they already called Blake, ask them if they called Blake!” I lied and said we didn’t call Blake.”
“So what’s the problem, that should make her happy.”
“Her people said that she’s doing some modeling for Missoni.”
“Oh please, they could have at least given us a realistic excuse.”
“Already so who else could we get from Gossip Girl who is Bonerrific?”
“Taylor Momsen?”
“Illegal.”
“Chace Crawford.”
“I thought we were trying to get guys to buy our drink?”
“We are, have you seen Chace Crawford?”
*Shows Sobe Exec his cell phone with a pic of Chance Crawford on it.*
“Oh. Okay, yeah, he’s very pretty. That will definately work. He gives me more of a boner than Blair.”
*Calls Chace’s rep.*
Okay. He said no too.
*Calls Eric from GG’s people- No/ Calls Chuck’s people-No/ Calls Lonelyboy’s people- No/ Calls Lily’s people- No/ Calls Rufus’ people- No/ Calls Georgina Spark’s people- No/ Calls Damian’s people-No/ Calls Carter’s people-No/ Calls that weird NYU girl that tried to bang humphrey when Serena got in the car accident- No*
“That only leaves…”
“No, man! NO! You can’t do this to the company. It’ll ruin us. Maybe Serena’s sick grandmother who turned out not to be sick or something like that, it was too much plot, will do it.”
“No. We need to call Vanessa.”
“This is the worst idea yet.”
“Desperate times…”
*Calls Vanessa’s people*
“Ugh. She said yes.”
“Well, okay, lets get shooting, how bad could it be?”
“Famous last words”
“Should we let people know what happened at the shoot?”
“What, about the 5,000 birds that saw Jessica Szohr Naked and committed suicide?”
“Yeah.”
“They’ll find out soon enough.”
