HBGWHEM47.0 Mischa Barton: MONY2012: Make Mischa Famous
Every day, thousands of children are snatched from their homes.
Every day, these children are forced into film small roles, mostly in piece of shit Romcoms that fat girls will seek out as a eighty seven minute reprieve from their crummy lives.
This is a story that happens too often.
This is what happened to Mischa Barton.
At the tender age of (too lazy to research), Mischa Barton was cast in a late nineties poopfest called Notting Hill, with Hugh Grant (post tranny fucking years?). This traumatic incident as the character “12 Year Old Actress” was the beginning of Mischa’s torment at the hands of an evil system.
Years later, Mischa would score a memorable role as “Vomming Girl” in The Sixth Sense. The Sixth Sense was a huge hit, mostly because of the character of Vomming Girl (and keep in mind this was pre-tumblr before everyone was playing the role of Vomming Girl for accolades and attention). I didn’t notice her in this movie because the first time I watched it, I was trying to touch my then-girlfriend’s butt. That quest didn’t go well. The movie had very little romance potential.
The real moment I was introduced to Mischa Barton was The Almighty O.C.
This amazing show hit my life and, soon, my Fall to Spring was defined by Marissa and Summer. Like Jillian reminded me over six times when we were Skyping last night, I’m old. I watched The O.C. as a weekly television series, not in a long weekend on Netflix while only taking breaks to scream at your mom or get Diet Cokes.
On The O.C. Mischa played “the really fuckable girl nextdoor” Marissa Cooper. In the very first episode, we find her being left on her steps, passed out, all effed up and, sadly, that’s probably how you remember from her last weekend.
The O.C. was huge, Mischa was super popular and, back then, more people googled “Mischa Barton Hair” than “Mischa Barton Thighs”.
Mischa played Marissa as a party girl who had your back and enjoyed dyking out. She was a friend you wanted to have. At the time, Marissa fingering slits was a big deal and it started this whole controversy about if she was just going down on babes as a sweeps gimmick to get viewers. While it was denied and battled about, either way, the viewer won, I think.
Sure, there were the other controversies as well:
The overdosing in an alleyway in Tijuana.
The hostage situation with Oliver.
Slumming it in Chino.
Banging the landscaper.
Shooting her bad touch brother.
… I mean, honestly, this is stuff we’ve all been through at some point or another (plus I have sources that say The O.C. was actually a fictional television show and none of this was really Mischa’s IRL fault)(I’m skeptical).
After all those good times, something shocking happened (Spoilers) (Oh, and that other shit I typed up there ^ was spoiler alert city just FYI). I remember laying on my girlfriends pink carpet (that’s not a euphemism, it was a real carpet) and we were looking up at a 13” picture tube TV on the top of a nine foot tall dresser. We were watching the final episode of the third season of The O.C. on a study break for finals that were wrapping up that week. Marissa was driving along in her SUV, minding her biz and I was just chatting with my GF about how Mischa will be famous forever and how that is great and then BAMWAMCRASHINGSHITBROKENGLASSFUCKWHAT.
Marissa Cooper was in a car accident!
I remember my GF at the time was like “Holy shit, did that just happen?” and I wasn’t sure if she asked that because she was shocked or because we were watching the show on he tiniest TV ever manufactured, but I for one know that I was shocked. When the episode ended everyone was like, “Shucks Marissa is sooooo dead. RIP Mischa. RIP Lesbo sweeps gimmicks. RIP The O.C.”
At the end of the episode, my girlfriend said, “They can’t do that.”
But, it turns out, they can. And they did.
After that, Mischa had a little trouble finding something that would bring her back in the public eye. It was like she had died IRL in a car crash and we were all super sad. When people get sad, they eat. When people eat, they get cellulite. When people get cellulite, other people take pictures and then we all have a good laugh about it, besides the person with thighs in question. They were so mean to Mischa. For no reason! Turns out, there was an excuse for it all, Mischa went to the dentist!!! Every day, for, like five years. Mischa has nice teeth, and there is a lot of upkeep involved in that. Just ask my girl Lilo.
Then there was that 5150 incident. I sure as hell can’t judge her for that. I live alone because if I had a roommate, I would surely be taken in for a 5150 at least twice a month.
One of my favorite post-The O.C. Mischa moments was when she filmed a very good episode of Law and Order SVU. While she was on set, people reported that she would sit on the steps of her trailer, staring into her coffee, while asking “WHO WILL FIX MY COFFEE?”. I used this as my Gchat status for two full years. It always seemed to apply to my life, no matter what was going on. It was a good mantra, I’m glad Mischybear shared it with me.
Finally Mischa’s grand return to nighttime soaps came with TBL: The Beautiful Life.
But critics were like TBH: The Crappy CW Show.
On the show, for the three episodes that actually aired, Mischa played some model whose career was ruined because she had a butthole for a personality. It was obvious she was playing Snejana.
You read that right, only three shows aired on the CW, then TBL was canceled. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET CANCELED ON THE CW? Rachel Bilson still has a show on the CW, that’s how easy it is to keep yourself on the air there.
TBL was doomed from the start, because it was executive produced by Ashton Kutcher. When it was canceled, Ashton was like “GUYS GUESS WHAT? BOTH OF YOU FANS OUT THERE. YES. TOM, I’M TAKING TO YOU. YEAH, GIRL WHO FELL ASLEEP AND ACCIDENTALLY LEFT THE TV ON, I’M TALKING TO YOU TOO. WE’RE GOING TO PUT ALL THE EPISODES OF TBL ON YOUTUBE AND WE WILL GET SO MUCH BUZZ, THE CW WILL PUT US BACK ON THE AIR.”
The episodes garnered little attention on Youtube and never returned to air.
Since then, I’ve seen a lot of straight to Netflix Instant Watch horror movies with Mischa. How were they? *Vomgirl.gif*
And now, here we are, in 2012 and I’ve started the MONY2012 movement. It’s called MONY because I’m kinda afraid Mischa doesn’t have any money. Just like Marissa Coopers father, who was a shadey mcshaderson and got his money by making up some fake charity that tumblrgrrrls reblogged fifty thousand times, I’m afraid that Mischa is running out of cash.
Her roles have been sparse and she really only has 3 seasons of syndication money coming from her work on The O.C.
Maybe, if we work together, we can get Mischa MONY. 2012 is not just the year we’re doing this in, but it’s also probably what her monthly rent is, so HBGWHEM will try to raise $2,012 dollars a month so Mischa won’t get evicted.
I sat down and wrote this article to remind you of Mischa Barton.
I wrote this article to make Mischa Barton famous (again).
I wrote this article because I believe in forty third chances (I mean, fuck, I’ve written eight ignorantly optimistic pieces on Lindsay Lohan in the past three years.)
You can shrug this post off. You can TLDR it, but as a wise woman once said;
That U Only Meant Well?
Well of Course U Did.