4.7 1f U Luv Summink Lettergo. 1f 1t cumz bacc, make her urz 5eva
Lindsay isn’t plat-blonde anymore. I’m okay with that. 
    Even though it goes against every fiber of my being, when I saw that red hair, I felt one thing… relief. 
    HBGWHEM Jilly and I were having a gchat the other night about the Supernatural Podcast and how Sammy used to be drinkin’ demon blood. Since we were talking about demon blood, the conversation switched to Lilo (b/c she is Michael Lohan’s daughter… get it, he is a demon and they share a bloodline so it’s like saying that Lindsay has demon blood in her, which is not true) (Unless the rumors and true and she did sleep with Terry) (But I guess it still wouldn’t be demon blood) (I’m saying it would be demon ejaculate) (Could you imagine that Supernatural plotline?) (Dean finds out that Sammy had been secretly drinking demon ejaculate) (There is probably a fanfic with that exact plot). So, like I was saying, Jilly and I were talking about Lilo and here is a transcript:
9:28 PM me: id be sad
so sad
.im ready to let LILO go


Jillian: she’s look s3xy! and grown up and lovely 
never let her go

9:29 PM me: no i mean from blonde
i would never let her go as a person
but im letting her out of her blonde contract
she’s proven herself
and now it’s time to go dark again
 
Jillian: her blonde hair is bad
 
me: it just ages her i think
 
Jillian: i loved when they made her redhead on snl
 
9:30 PM  me: ngl i did too

Jillian: she’s no older than you, though, is she?
25-26 tops
    Sorry that wasn’t funny, this part of the story is actually true so I had to be like 20/20 Investigates’ tumblr and post only factz. I kept that last part in because it’s the only time Jillian has been nice about my age.
Sidenote: To keep with the 20/20 Investigates theme, last weekend Jillian threatened to slit my throat with a ~cute knife~ then escape via hot air balloon. 
Moral: If you look up in the sky and see a hot air balloon, Jillian is coming to kill you.
    TODAY LINDSAY LOHAN COMPLETED HER PROBATION.
    “Sweet tits. Why are you covering them up?” ~ the people who were lawyering against LILO today.
     It’s so sad our justice system would attack Lilo like that. Even though this hearing was the worst of her court outfits. And she does have pretty sweet tits, I bet they were all “The prosecution rests, if only we had some warm freckled pillows to facilitate our rest =( “
     If Lilo is dating Terry, I think I’m mad at Terry for not showing up to this hearing. It’s hard to establish a meaningful relationship when one of you is in court and the other is getting a blowjob from an aspiring model who is crouched under a desk. Maybe that’s how relationships work in 2012 though? Maybe that’s the new Will and Jada? I hope Tilo doesn’t have any kids that they pimp for money!!!
     It’s very inspiring thinking about many hours of community service Lilo completed that seemed to be in secret or something because TBH I never once saw a picture of it happening, but whatever, still somehow the forms got signed. I wish I was poor enough that I was worthy of Lilo’s community service! Yet another way the working middle class man in America is discriminated against. Have you seen the dishes in my apartment? If a community needed servicing, it’s mine. I mean, sure, I’d do the dishes while Lilo laid on the futon and ate red vines and texted people about how pissed she was her parole officer sent her here, but it was add SO MUCH to my life. And I could finally stop using backs of Vogues as plates (Sorry you’re wearing pizzaface Lea Seydoux).
     What do I see for the future of HBGWHEM1.0? Great things. Liz Taylor is one of my favorite actresses and there is only ONE woman who I feel can play her… Megan Fox. Just joking, it’s LILO. I see so much of Liz in Lindsay and I would love to see Lindsay go on a Taylor-Tear on screen. Sadly, it will probably happen as a Lifetime movie and they’ll turn Richard Burton into a Southern, womanizing, wife beater. 
     You have a clean slate now Lindsay. PLEASE make more music. PLEASE dedicate yourself to your work. PLEASE move in with me. 

4.7 1f U Luv Summink Lettergo. 1f 1t cumz bacc, make her urz 5eva

Lindsay isn’t plat-blonde anymore. I’m okay with that. 

    Even though it goes against every fiber of my being, when I saw that red hair, I felt one thing… relief. 

    HBGWHEM Jilly and I were having a gchat the other night about the Supernatural Podcast and how Sammy used to be drinkin’ demon blood. Since we were talking about demon blood, the conversation switched to Lilo (b/c she is Michael Lohan’s daughter… get it, he is a demon and they share a bloodline so it’s like saying that Lindsay has demon blood in her, which is not true) (Unless the rumors and true and she did sleep with Terry) (But I guess it still wouldn’t be demon blood) (I’m saying it would be demon ejaculate) (Could you imagine that Supernatural plotline?) (Dean finds out that Sammy had been secretly drinking demon ejaculate) (There is probably a fanfic with that exact plot). So, like I was saying, Jilly and I were talking about Lilo and here is a transcript:

9:28 PM me: id be sad

so sad

.im ready to let LILO go


Jillian: she’s look s3xy! and grown up and lovely 
never let her go

9:29 PM me: no i mean from blonde
i would never let her go as a person
but im letting her out of her blonde contract
she’s proven herself
and now it’s time to go dark again
 
Jillian: her blonde hair is bad
 
me: it just ages her i think
 
Jillian: i loved when they made her redhead on snl
 
9:30 PM  me: ngl i did too

Jillian: she’s no older than you, though, is she?
25-26 tops

    Sorry that wasn’t funny, this part of the story is actually true so I had to be like 20/20 Investigates’ tumblr and post only factz. I kept that last part in because it’s the only time Jillian has been nice about my age.

Sidenote: To keep with the 20/20 Investigates theme, last weekend Jillian threatened to slit my throat with a ~cute knife~ then escape via hot air balloon. 

Moral: If you look up in the sky and see a hot air balloon, Jillian is coming to kill you.

    TODAY LINDSAY LOHAN COMPLETED HER PROBATION.

    “Sweet tits. Why are you covering them up?” ~ the people who were lawyering against LILO today.

     It’s so sad our justice system would attack Lilo like that. Even though this hearing was the worst of her court outfits. And she does have pretty sweet tits, I bet they were all “The prosecution rests, if only we had some warm freckled pillows to facilitate our rest =( “

     If Lilo is dating Terry, I think I’m mad at Terry for not showing up to this hearing. It’s hard to establish a meaningful relationship when one of you is in court and the other is getting a blowjob from an aspiring model who is crouched under a desk. Maybe that’s how relationships work in 2012 though? Maybe that’s the new Will and Jada? I hope Tilo doesn’t have any kids that they pimp for money!!!

     It’s very inspiring thinking about many hours of community service Lilo completed that seemed to be in secret or something because TBH I never once saw a picture of it happening, but whatever, still somehow the forms got signed. I wish I was poor enough that I was worthy of Lilo’s community service! Yet another way the working middle class man in America is discriminated against. Have you seen the dishes in my apartment? If a community needed servicing, it’s mine. I mean, sure, I’d do the dishes while Lilo laid on the futon and ate red vines and texted people about how pissed she was her parole officer sent her here, but it was add SO MUCH to my life. And I could finally stop using backs of Vogues as plates (Sorry you’re wearing pizzaface Lea Seydoux).

     What do I see for the future of HBGWHEM1.0? Great things. Liz Taylor is one of my favorite actresses and there is only ONE woman who I feel can play her… Megan Fox. Just joking, it’s LILO. I see so much of Liz in Lindsay and I would love to see Lindsay go on a Taylor-Tear on screen. Sadly, it will probably happen as a Lifetime movie and they’ll turn Richard Burton into a Southern, womanizing, wife beater. 

     You have a clean slate now Lindsay. PLEASE make more music. PLEASE dedicate yourself to your work. PLEASE move in with me.