CHARLOTTE FREE BE MY NON-VALENTINE (BC VALENTINES DAY IS A PRODUCT OF THE ILLUMINATI)
Look, Charlotte, I know things have been complicated between us.
At first, we were on good terms because I thought your life was performance art.
Then we were not on very good terms when I wrote fanfic about you.
Then we were not on very good terms when you yelled at Isabella.
Then I apologized with a post.
Then you accepted my apology.
Then you unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me on tumblr for ???
Then Isabella unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me on tumblr the same week and I blamed it on you, but that was probably unfair of me because there was that one conversation I had with Isabella where she was like, “I would date a black guy,” and I was like, “Wow, you really do have low self esteem.”
Upon further review it was clear that Isabella situation was totally my fault. Lesson learned, what might get a great reaction at the RNC might not get the same reaction when you’re telling it to a bi-racial teen. WHY DON’T THEY TEACH YOU THESE THINGS IN SCHOOL.
After the two women in my life, Cfree and Isabella, were taken away from me by my own good intentioned actions, I was left with no one for Valentines day.
Today, I decided, “You need to be a better person,” and I was talking to myself when I said “you”, but I didn’t say my own name because I’m not some crazy person who refers to themselves in third Person. On my quest to be a better person, I looked what the rest of the people where doing around me. They were talking about Whitney Houston like, “Who saw this coming! It floored me! I still can’t believe it happened” so I tried to pretend like I was surprised about a slow moving train I saw approaching for 15 odd years. That didn’t make me a better person so I was like LOL REMEMBER RAY J. HE WAS BRANDY’S BROTHER. HE WAS WHITNEY’S BF. WHAT A FUCKING RANDOM LIFE.
Obviously after that I celebrated the career of Ray J and I downloaded the Kim Kardashian porn to watch as a special Valentines Day treat. As I watched Kim ram her giant ass into Ray J’s giant wang, I had an epiphany. What I said to Isabella was wrong. If a half white chick is okay with having a black BF, it doesn’t mean she has low self esteem, quite the opposite.
Kim Kardashian does not have low self esteem. She got her own reality show and everyone was like:
EVERYONE: Wow Kim, you love black guys and you’re biracial and you don’t have low self esteem at all!
KIM:Yes, this is accurate and anyone who says otherwise is a big nosed racist.
EVERYONE: Agreed! So what’s next for you?
KIM: I’m going to take New York.
EVERYONE: Pardon? It sounded like you said you were going to take New York.
KIM: Yes, I will be taking New York.
EVERYONE: Taking New York where?
KIM: In New York.
EVERYONE: This doesn’t make an sense, even for a Kim Kardashian plan.
KIM: I don’t know, the E! Channel will figure it out. They’re like geniuses. Dr. 90210 works there. He can like build me a machine.
EVERYONE: But he’s a plastic surgeon… and what do you need a machine for.
KIM: To take New York.
As Kim Kardashian sucked a giant black dick on camera for fame, I finally saw how disgusting I was. I realized that it really was my fault that Isabella hates me so… could it be possible that it was my fault C-Free hates me too?
Just as I was thinking this, there was a knock at the door of my below-poverty-level apartment.
I answered the door, and standing in front of me was a little cupid bby.
I was like, “Oh no, I must have gotten into CFREE’s pills again, I see a lil cupid bby.”
And the lil cupid bby was like, “Fear not, I am indeed a lil cupid bby.”
This was exciting and I was like, “Lil cupid bby, do you want to come inside and watch 90210 with me because Isabella hates me and she’s the only other person in America who watches it!”
The tiny cupid bby walked inside and we went over to the futon to start 90210.
I was like, “Hey bby cupid, can you get Isabella to like me again, you’re a cupid!”
He promptly replied No and said, “Sorry Grand Dragon, I think that ship already sailed… then sank.”
I had to accept this and we quietly watched the CW because it’s the best network ever.
When a stupid fucking commercial about T-Mobile came on, as it always does 42 times per episode of every CW show, bby cupid was like, “So did you see Daphne at NYFW…” and and I was like, “Don’t waste your arrows, I’m already madly in love with her” and cupid was like, “Samesies.”
This reminded me of Cfree and I was like, “Hey, you’re a lil bby cupid and I always thought you didn’t exist. I have this friend…” (I took liberties and declared Cfree a friend even though I was unfriended), “…and she believes in stuff like the Illuminati.”
Lil bby cupid looked both ways and then was like, “She’s right, they do exist, just like me.” I couldn’t believe someone that I trusted, lil bby cupid, was telling me Cfree had been right all along. I asked him for more information. “Well,” tiny bby cupid started, “The Illuminati is real and Madonna is in it. Did you see the Superbowl?”
This made me excited and I was like, “YES I’m such a sports man! Did you read my blogs about the Superbowl?” and lil bby cupid was like, “No. Fuck no,” then he told me more. He was all like, “At the Superbowl, Madonna performed the biggest Illuminati service in the history of Superbowls and also non-Superbowl major sport events, excluding the WNBA though,” and I was like, “Nuhuh” and lil bby cupid was like like “Yuhuh”.
He told me that everything Cfree says is true. It turns out that Skrillex didn’t win three Grammys because his EP’s are really good, but instead because he had formed an intergalactic pact with the Trebulons in which Skrillex gave the souls of people on Beatport in exchange for two drum kits, that “WOPWAAWWAAWAWAAAAWEEEEE” noise and the vocal sample from Scary Monsters and Nice Spites that sounds like a lil bby cupid saying, “OHHHAHHHASHGBLABA”.
I was shocked. I asked tiny bby cupid how to fight the Illluminati and he gave me the following instructions that I will now share with you:
1. Self indulgent text posts. The Illuminati’s secrets are highly guarded and if they were to get on tumblr, they would surely spread throughout the world and then Jay-Z’s new daughter would have to sell her mansion =(.
2. Pictures of neon shit. The Illuminati’s tumblr is monochrome and they hate pics that make it look like an unserious fashion bloggers page.
3. Reblogged pictures of lost pets. The Illuminati have stolen these pets as a blood sacrifice to Kanye West.
4. Spell nothing right! The Illuminati cannot decipher messages with more than five misspellings in a single sentence. For example, “well i dont hinks its a big scibble i think its great!” would be undetected by the Illuminati.
Lil bby cupid told me that Michael Jackson’s tumblr had all this stuff and that’s why he was killed. He said that Whitney knew all of these secrets and she was posting them on her xanga on a semi-sporadic basis. I was like, “Did the Ilumanti also kill Amy Winehouse?” and the lil bby angel was like, “No, she died from drinking a shitload of vodka.”
After this, I thought for a long time about what I heard, then I watched the rest of a lackluster 90210, then I was like, “Tiny bby cupid, why did you tell me all of this, what does it mean?” and he was like, “Go back to her, Tom.”
My Valentine had been chosen for me and when I went to thank tiny bby cupid, he was gone without a trace.
I was really kicking myself because I didn’t get to ask cupid if he set up any high self esteem white chicks with black dudes ever.
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