HBGWHEM 44.2- HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAPHNE GROENEVELD Right now I’m sitting around the Christmas tree with my family and we’re discussing which mass we are going to (Mom says we’re going to the Episcopal Church) (Which seems like Catholic-lite so I will be like, “Hmmmm, yeah, well us Catholics don’t do that. Werk, werk, Nativity swag. Catholics win”). I looked at the tree and I was like, “Mom, I like that angel ornament” and my mom was like, “TOM, what, are you Episcopal? That’s obviously a DAPHNE GROENEVELD ornament.” I looked closer and it was precious bby DAPHNE! I promptly recited my DAPHNE GROENEVELD poem (watch here), then I looked at the rest of the oraments on the tree and I was like, “Don’t you feel bad, you dumb train, DAPHNE hasn’t even done an editorial on the train, get off the tree.” Then I took the train off the tree and my mom’s dog ate it because she’s… what’s that breed called where it’s a dog who eats everything? Oh, that’s right, it’s an Adele. So my mom’s dog almost died, but he threw the train up, then we threw the train away and that seemed proper. Next, I looked to the tree and I was like “Stupid nutcracker, what are you doing on the tree?” The nutcracker saw what happened to the train so he was like, “Sorry, I know I have nothing to do with DAPHNE, but I deserve to be on this tree!” I looked at the stupid lipless nutcracker and I was like, “No, you don’t,” but as I was about to pull him off the tree, he’s like “ELLE FANNING STARRED IN A VERSION OF MY MOVIE!” So I stopped grabbing for the nutcracker and googled it and it turns out Elle Fanning was in a version of the Nutcracker so I was like “Sorry Nutcracker, you do belong on the tree,” and he was like “THE ELLE FANNING VERSION HAS A ZERO PERCENT ON ROTTEN TOMATOES. A FUCKING ZERO!!!” I looked it up and that’s correct. The Elle Fanning nutcracker does have a zero percent. How is that possible… (it’s the fault of the Episcopals). For a movie to have Elle Fanning in it and have a zero percent is more wrong than the Tina Fey Vogue cover. If a movie contains Elle Fanning it should already be certified fresh and you should also have to pay five more dollars to go see it. This will be called the Elle Fanning Tax and it will go towards Elle Fanning to provide her with stuff so that she doesn’t become super fucked up and, like, live in a house with a ferris wheel because her childhood was robbed from her because she was too flawless, like she was DAPHNE’s younger sister or something. (I think we all know that Elle Fanning is so generous she will take the Elle Fanning tax and create the Dakota Fanning Fund for big sisters who are irrelevant and Irish faced.) UPDATE: We were getting ready for mass and my mom was like “Wait!!! There’s one more Christmas Eve surprise!” We turned off all the lights, then my mom brought out a GIANT CAKE and she was singing “Happy Birthday” and I was like, “Mom, no the big guy’s birthday is tomorrow” and she goes, “Of course, I know that, we’re going to open presents to celebrate His birthday, but now it’s time for angel DAPHNE to blow her candles out,” but it took too long to say this and Mom had the cake too close to the DAPHNE ornament and the WHOLE TREE BURNED DOWN (ALONG WITH MY CHILDHOOD HOME) AND WE WERE ALL LIKE, “WHYYY WHYYYY,” as we watched our lives burn away. UPDATE: Finally fire truck came and instead of a fireman, out hops Elle Fanning and the birthday girl herself, DAPHNE GROENEVELD and they were like, “Here is the Elle Fanning Tax so you can rebuilding your house. Please go see my movie We Bought a Zoo in theaters now!” and it was a Christmas Eve miracle. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HBGWHEM

HBGWHEM 44.2- HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAPHNE GROENEVELD

Right now I’m sitting around the Christmas tree with my family and we’re discussing which mass we are going to (Mom says we’re going to the Episcopal Church) (Which seems like Catholic-lite so I will be like, “Hmmmm, yeah, well us Catholics don’t do that. Werk, werk, Nativity swag. Catholics win”). I looked at the tree and I was like, “Mom, I like that angel ornament” and my mom was like, “TOM, what, are you Episcopal? That’s obviously a DAPHNE GROENEVELD ornament.”

I looked closer and it was precious bby DAPHNE! I promptly recited my DAPHNE GROENEVELD poem (watch here), then I looked at the rest of the oraments on the tree and I was like, “Don’t you feel bad, you dumb train, DAPHNE hasn’t even done an editorial on the train, get off the tree.” Then I took the train off the tree and my mom’s dog ate it because she’s… what’s that breed called where it’s a dog who eats everything? Oh, that’s right, it’s an Adele. So my mom’s dog almost died, but he threw the train up, then we threw the train away and that seemed proper.

Next, I looked to the tree and I was like “Stupid nutcracker, what are you doing on the tree?”

The nutcracker saw what happened to the train so he was like, “Sorry, I know I have nothing to do with DAPHNE, but I deserve to be on this tree!”

I looked at the stupid lipless nutcracker and I was like, “No, you don’t,” but as I was about to pull him off the tree, he’s like “ELLE FANNING STARRED IN A VERSION OF MY MOVIE!”

So I stopped grabbing for the nutcracker and googled it and it turns out Elle Fanning was in a version of the Nutcracker so I was like “Sorry Nutcracker, you do belong on the tree,” and he was like “THE ELLE FANNING VERSION HAS A ZERO PERCENT ON ROTTEN TOMATOES. A FUCKING ZERO!!!”

I looked it up and that’s correct. The Elle Fanning nutcracker does have a zero percent. How is that possible… (it’s the fault of the Episcopals).

For a movie to have Elle Fanning in it and have a zero percent is more wrong than the Tina Fey Vogue cover. If a movie contains Elle Fanning it should already be certified fresh and you should also have to pay five more dollars to go see it. This will be called the Elle Fanning Tax and it will go towards Elle Fanning to provide her with stuff so that she doesn’t become super fucked up and, like, live in a house with a ferris wheel because her childhood was robbed from her because she was too flawless, like she was DAPHNE’s younger sister or something. (I think we all know that Elle Fanning is so generous she will take the Elle Fanning tax and create the Dakota Fanning Fund for big sisters who are irrelevant and Irish faced.)

UPDATE: We were getting ready for mass and my mom was like “Wait!!! There’s one more Christmas Eve surprise!”

We turned off all the lights, then my mom brought out a GIANT CAKE and she was singing “Happy Birthday” and I was like, “Mom, no the big guy’s birthday is tomorrow” and she goes, “Of course, I know that, we’re going to open presents to celebrate His birthday, but now it’s time for angel DAPHNE to blow her candles out,” but it took too long to say this and Mom had the cake too close to the DAPHNE ornament and the WHOLE TREE BURNED DOWN (ALONG WITH MY CHILDHOOD HOME) AND WE WERE ALL LIKE, “WHYYY WHYYYY,” as we watched our lives burn away.

UPDATE: Finally fire truck came and instead of a fireman, out hops Elle Fanning and the birthday girl herself, DAPHNE GROENEVELD and they were like, “Here is the Elle Fanning Tax so you can rebuilding your house. Please go see my movie We Bought a Zoo in theaters now!” and it was a Christmas Eve miracle.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HBGWHEM