HBGWHEM: 17.0 Selita Ebanks Didn’t Leave the Bleach on Long Enough

So Kanye released a 34 minute video.

I think that shows incredible restraint on Kanye’s part to make it only 34 minutes. Maybe he is getting his ego under control.

The video stars Kanye and a phoenix girl played by Selita Ebanks.

Selita Ebanks is an incredibly good looking African American HBGWHEM who has done some modeling for Victoria’s Secret.

Now, I know it’s a stretch to say that Selita Ebanks is a blonde girl, but she has that orange type of hair where you really wanted to dye your hair blonde, but you had never done it before and about 15 minutes into the bleach being on your head you start thinking, “Oh no! It burns. Why does it burn? Burning is natures way of telling you to remove your body from whatever you are touching or that whoever you slept with the previous night was a huge skank,” and so you wash the bleach off early and end up with this reddish look. It’s happened to all first time HBGWHEM’s and so that’s why we are giving points to Selita for trying.

The video begins with Kayne driving some type of car that I can’t identify. I imagine Kanye on the phone calling a bunch of local Hurtz rent-a-cars like, “YO I NEED THE MOST EXPENSIVE CAR YOU HAVE. IT’S A WHAT? A CRYSLER SEABRING. MAN I CAN’T DRIVE NO CRYSLER SEABRING! I’M KANYE WEST! I NEED SOMETHING FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY. NO! NOT A HONDA CIVIC. DO YOU HAVE A HONDA CIVIC WITH A SHARKS FIN ON TOP? I NEED TO RUN OVER A PHOENIX WITH THIS CAR. HOW ARE THE CRASH TEST RATINGS ON THE KIA SORRENTO? I DON’T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN! I GOT IN A CRASH ONCE AND NOW I LOOK LIKE A BULLDOG BECAUSE OF IT. I NEED SOMETHING WITH GOOD GAS MILAGE.” And then eventually Jay-z just let Kanye borrow his car “as long as you fill it up with gas before you return it,” said Hova.

Once Kanye runs over the Phoenix, they start dating and go to a Michael Jackson parade. I can just imagine kanye on the phone calling a bunch of local Party City locations like, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE A GIANT PAPER MACHE MJ HEAD TO RENT? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? NO, A PAPER MACHE DONKEY WON’T WORK. IT’S TOO LITERAL!”

Then there is a big ballerina scene. I imagine Kayne calling a local dance studio like, “YO I NEED ABOUT 15 BALLERINAS TO PERFORM A SONG ABOUT DOUCHEBAGS. YES. DOUCHEBAGS. ALL YOUR BALLERINAS ARE IN FOURTH GRADE? OKAY. YEAH THAT’S FLY. ALL FOURTH GRADERS ARE DOUCHEBAGS, I THINK THEY WILL SEE MY VISION. THIS WILL WORK OUT WELL. KIDS WORK FOR MAD CHEAP BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW THE VALUE OF MONEY. CAN WE PUT THEM IN BLACK TUTU’S? I NEED TO CONVEY THE DARK MESSAGE OF DRINKING ALCOHOL TO CELEBRATE DOUCHEBAGGERY. DO YOUR BALLERINAS LIKE TO DRINK? I DON’T WANT THEM MESSING UP THE VIBE OF MY SONG WITH THEIR SOBRIETY. PICK THE 15 BEST AND DRUNKEST GRACEFUL DOUCHE BAGS YOU TEACH. ALL THE NON STRECHY FOURTH GRADERS WILL BE SENT TO SOULJA BOY’S VIDEO. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. OKAY. YES SO MY ORDER FOR 15 BALLERINAS HAS BEEN PLACED?

Towards the end of the ballerina scene, Kanye needs to stretch it out because he just starts, “Baanana’ing” the lyrics and putting his mouth really close to the vocoder and then exhaling to the beat because it’s really hard to write a 14 minute rap song for ballerinas to perform to. The vocoder part is sort of like when you had that Fisher Price sing along machine and you’d put your mouth right on the microphone and your rendition of Spice Girls “Say You’ll be There” comes out a muddy mess.

Then the meal Kanye organized goes poorly when he feeds his phoenix a bird. Something tells me that he was warned about this ahead of time when he called a bunch of local caterers like, “YO I HAVE A PHOENIX AND SHE IS FINE AS HELL. I HAVE A VERY LONG TABLE AND MY CHURCH GROUP IS COMING OVER. I NEED A MEAL THAT IS GOING TO THE BOMB. NO, I DON’T WANT NO TURKEY. I WANT A PHEASANT. NO, I SAID PHEASANT, BUT IF YOU CAN GET PEASANTS I WANT THOSE TOO. YES. A PHESANT WITH ALL THE FEATHERS STILL ON IT. NO SHE WON’T CARE. YES SHE HAS FEATHERS AND LOOKS LIKE A BIRD. NO SHE WON’T CARE. TRUST ME, I HAVE GRACE IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS AND I’M A GOOD JUDGE OF WHAT’S APPROPRIATE.”
Needless to say, it went poorly. I was sad that it didn’t end with a Kanye shrug though.

Then Kanye tries acting and that goes over really poorly. This is pretty much the dialog.

Phoenix: “Why are there so many statues of people in the world.

Kanye: YO! I GOT A STATUE OF ME IN MY CRIB. I ALSO ORDERED A PAPER MACHE MJ HEAD? REMEMBER THAT, PHOENIX? THAT WAS THE MOST ROMANTIC PARADE YOU’VE EVER SEEN!

Phoenix: Actually all the statues are because you ripped all the wigs off the Phoenix’s that show up. I was just asking the question so I could tell you that.

Kanye: AND THEN REMEMBER WHEN I GOT ADULT BALLET ARTISTS TO COME BECAUSE CHILD LABOR LAWS SHUT DOWN MY FIRST RECITAL  WITH THOSE FOURTH GRADER DOUCHEBAGS AND I PERFORMED FOR LIKE 15 STRAIGHT MINUTES ON A WHITE PIANO LIKE I WAS A FLYER VERSION OF ELTON JOHN WITH BETTER SUNGLASSES. YO THAT WAS HISTORY.

Phoenix: Um. I’m really trying to connect with you right now and you’re-

Kanye: -I JUST BOUGHT SOME SHOES MADE OUT OF PHOENIX’S I’M GONNA SHOW YOU LATER WHEN YOU GIVE ME A FOOT RUB! I THINK YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THEM.

Then, HGBWHEM Selita Ebanks phoenix, despite only being on the planet earth for, like, an afternoon, realizes that Kanye is a self indulgent douche bag and she decides to leave, but her entire trip home, the only thing on the radio is Kanye West.