If you’ve been with us from the beginning, I’m sure you’re aware of a couple of obtuse Dakota Fanning references that were thrown in during my early blogs. Usually a JPEG of Madonna will come in to warn me of the civil and criminal penalties of featuring Dakota predominately on a site that extols the physically pleasing nature of an attractive blonde woman who does her makeup in an embellished manner.

Dakota has been causally referred to as the Hot Blonde Girl With Heavy Eye Makeup Which We Do Not Blog About (HBGWHEMWWDNBA for simplicities sake) and her presence has been somewhat of a ghost in the rafters of this blog.

Enter Tao Lin’s new novel, “Richard Yates”. Finally Dakota Fanning can appear on this blog without fear of a raid on my Newark shanty apartment because we are not discussing her hotness, but instead, her part in Tao’s new novel.

A friend of HBGWHEM, a young anorexic boy called Wes Branderson, gchatted me saying that no one reads my blog because “u don’t have ne bloggable memes or book reviews.”

According to Wes, the only thing that kids care about are, “Memes, buzzbands, ‘difficult’ novels, 8.2’s, AZNs and magazines that used to be magazines you could physically buy, but now are just magazines that you read on the internet”. He kindly offered to review Tao Lin’s new novel for us so what follows is Wes Branderson’s review of the HBGWHWM Book of The Month, “Richard Yates” by Tao Lin.


“2k10 has been the worst year for buzzbands since back in 1985 when the only bloggable meme/relevant MP3 was Eddie Murphy’s ‘Party All The Time’. This year, w/o the spoils of buzzbands 2 fall back on, I have suffered through countless songs abt boyfriends/wanting boyfriends/loving ur boyfriend/wishing for a boyfriend/wishing that we could pretend airplanes were like boyfriends cuz u really could use a boyfriend right now/boyfriend right now/familiar peen in ur pussie right now.

I found myself lost in an Alt desert and if you know anything abt deserts, u kno that there’s hardly ever a Whole Foods or Am Appy’s close to one so an Alt can’t survive there 4 very long. Most deserts r equipped with sub par iphone4/ipod touch/ipad/ipod mini/macbook charging stations and so ur pretty much like a better dressed Amish person if you get trapped in the desert.

Was searching 4 meaning in 2k10.

Was searching 4 memes 2harness the LOLz.

Was searching Barnes & Nobel 4 Alt QT’s with the Perfect Alternative Breasts.

Found Tao Lin’s “Richard Yates” on a shelf next 2 numerous other books that seemed 2b mostly “made-up bullshit” abt vampires touching peens 2 mouths/ peens 2 butts/ peens 2 pussiez / peens 2 peens / peens ii men; and I decided that Tao’s book would be better than the other books b/c I wasn’t sure where peens fit into the equation.

Then I looked at the cover.

Was standing near the shelf, trying to remember if Richard Yates is a relevant author.

Decided he is.

Wondered if he ever wrote a book called “Tao Lin”. Wondered how many times this book would be incorrectly filed under Richard Yates/How many royalties from the book would be sent 2 Richard Yates/How many of Richard Yates’ children would be telling him that they thought his books “sucked dick” until they read the one about Dakota Fanning.

Reading the back of the book reassured me that, yes, Tao Lin is the author of this book and it’s just called “Richard Yates”, and Richard Yates is not co-author (due 2 the fact he is prob dead)(due to the fact he’s probably an effin lamestreamer).

Remembered that Richard Yates is that bro who wrote the sequel 2 Titanic where Rose gets an abortion b/c Jack won’t take her to France and she dies and then Jack finds out that Rose drowned his other kids and then Ben Kingsley is like JK this island was all an experiment 2 remind u that u sank the Titanic. That sequel kinda harshed my chillwaves. Won’t be renting/requesting it thru an inter-library loan 4 a while.

Ended up purchasing “Ricky Yates” b/c I felt like Tao wouldn’t “play games with me,” or “add superfluous abortions to his story just 2 cap it off with a bang”.

While I was in line, some obese human was buying Harry Potter n I said, “U obese cancer, ur the reason why all the memes r dead,” but I was drowned out by a cashier who was asking her if she had a Barnes and Noble Shoppers Club Card (she did, of course, but had extreme trouble in locating it).

The book only cost me 14.9 dollars (I did not have a Barnes and Broble Shoppers Club Card so I imagine the book is even cheaper if ur a member of that cult) so the price was conducive to my ALT pockets. My father would not be alarmed by such a small purchase on his credit card so I was confident that I made the right decision and wouldn’t have 2 field an iphone4 facetime call from him asking “what the eff ru wasting my monie on now?”

Read the entire novel, which was about 208 pages and each of those pages were filled with words, not “physical .jpegs” like that Courtney Luv book I bought once. Not sure why/when books of JPEGs were considered something that u could sell, but I feel like that time is over. I got “suckered” by the C-luv book because of her perfect alt ass on the cover.

ulive+ulearn+umeme the unmemeable meme.

Newayz… Ricky Yates starts out very “good” and only gets “gooder” as the pages increase in numbers (except for it gets sad fer Dakota, kinda, but I won’t need SPOILER ALTERTS for this cuz I prob didn’t understand the ending well enuff 2 give it away). Tao chose solid numbers for each page and no decimals are used which seems like a sturdy principal, b/c lets be honest, the decimal points are fer vanity, IMO. LOL.

1 of the central characters in the book is the main actor from AI: The Allen Iverson story, directed by Steven Spielbro. This bro’s name is Haley Joel Osment. I thought the use of this bro’s middle name was “effing pretentious,” but then u learn that he was friends with Bret Easton Ellis’ kids/nephews via Brett’s memoir “Lunar Park” abt his kids/nephews and some Furby troubles B.E.E. had in the early 00’s. Bret created a strong meme vis-a-vis middle name inclusion so I “get it” now. The second central character is Dakota Fanning, who is Bella Swan’s girlfriend in the movie “The Runaways: We Will Give Handies and Play U a Tune If U Drive Us to Our Next Lady Band Gig”.

In the book, Dakota lives w/ her Mom who is very unchill and Dakota is HXC in luv with Hayley Joel, but it’s hard 4 them 2 meet IRL b/c of Dakota’s Mom, whom I referenced in the beginning of this sentence so if u forgot abt the mom, u should prob go back and start this sentence over again, but when u get back down here, don’t follow that direction again b/c I have much more things 2 say below this sentence so plz look down there now.

Good. I had faith in u.

They spend lots of time on Gchat. I liked this. Sometimes u ask ur friend 4 their email address and they say something like, “O I’m Soccerguy1983@yahoo.com,” and when they say that, u automatically think, like, “Efff this person,” but u don’t say it aloud, only in ur head, like an internal gchat with urself. If u have regular email address that doesn’t support Gchat, I feel like ur poor, except fer if u live in a different country, then u probably use MSN chat because girls from different countries on myspace always say, “I can’t use myspace at work plz contact me at my MSNchat,” and so this means that either the international workplace is very anti-gchat or maybe MSNchat is safer 4 cybering on.

I took only 1 break from reading the book and that was to make myself my meal for the day. Wanted 2 eat Spanish rice as a statement that white people aren’t racist, but didn’t have ne b/c the grocery store near my apartment is filled with spics so I shop there very quickly and often forget important items, like Spanish Rice, in the interest of not being murdered.

Since the characters in the book r vegan, I decided that my review would be better if I was vegan 2. 4 the remainder of the book, I just let my hotdogs boil in a pot and I looked @ them very condescendingly when I walked by them 2 plug in my iphone 4 or 2 make sure that my ipad wasn’t overheating from the direct sunlight cumming in my window.

While I was making my vegan baked potato, I looked in2 my bathroom from my Newark half kitchen (Chill, I have a different shitty Newark apartment than the shitty apartment rented by guy who runs this site. We aren’t fags. I’ve never even touched his dick that much) and in the bathroom, in my tub, was my cat sitting on a towel. Either the towel fell down, then cat noticed it looked like a relaxing place to chill or Tao’s book gives cats the ability 2 use their claws and the items available in your bathroom 2 make a super comfy beds.

I grabbed my potato and my Ricky Yates and went in2 the bathroom. I shook the towel aggressively until the cat ran away, then laid the towel back in the tub, then sat in the tub, on the towel and it was a terrible, non-comfy bed so I was able to dispel a rumor I had started earlier in the half kitchen.

In the book, Dakota Fanning has a cat, just like I do, but her cat sleeps in a box on the washer and mine sleeps in the tub and I guess I’ve always felt like there r 2 types of cats in this world, the type that sleep on the washer in a box and the type that sleep on a towel in the tub. I’m happy I have a tubcat b/c I think those washer cats r using the washing machine 4 sexual stimulation.

I liked that Dakota Fanning and Hayley Joel Osment were sad in the book because it made me feel less alone. If a man who is on top of the world, like HJO can’t even b happie, then how can the rest of us expect 2b? This comforted me and I felt better abt my shit life.

There sure was a lot of stealing in this book, but I feel like it’s “true 2 life” b/c remember in “The Runaways 1: On Ur Marks, Get Set… Runaway(s)” when Dakota Fanning couldn’t buy booze b/c the register girl was like “Dakota I kno u, ur 16,” and so she had to call someone on a pay phone to pick her up and they made her work in a bakery/craft store that only played bloggable Kstew MP3s from Kstew’s new band that wasn’t The Runaways? Well it’s like that in the book, except different. I really liked the part of the novel where Dakota Fanning lives in New Jersey b/c I live in New Jersey and I feel like it would be easier 2 start a relash’ with her if she doesn’t have 2 drive 2 c me (since she is 2 young 4 a learners permit) and so the fantasy part of the novel is “the notch above ‘top’.”

Got pissed abt “Price Chopper” b/c I don’t believe there r ne actually in NJ, but then again, if there were, Price Chopper would def be way more auth than Pathmark 2 shop@ so I was able 2 calm down. As I stated above, I go 2 a super alt grocery store so my choice would trump Price Chopper and this made me feel like I could “show Dakota a thing or 2”, and maybe in return, she will let me play in her Runaways band if someone catches strep throat and can’t perform.

Getting towards the end of the novel, I kinda hated HJO much more b/c he didn’t realize what he had with Dakota Fanning and poor Dakota is 16 to HJO’s 22 so he could play the upper hand with manipulative emails and forcing her 2 make lists and not John Cusack fun lists, the bad types of lists. That’s not to say that HJO wasn’t helpful to Dakota. He would always remind her to not get fat b/c every1 hates fat people via plane seats/bus seats/websites abt them in public wearing ill fitting clothes/ lap bands/ the assassination of Teddy Kennedy.

Newayz, I really liked the book and was glad I bought it the day it came out (assuming it came out on Wednesday, Sept 29th (as most books do) ). I think that “Richard Yates” is the best book about illicit sex in New Jersey since “The Autobiography of Bruce Springsteen”. Tried to check the author’s website http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ 2 c if he would autograph my Apple Kindle that I purchased the book on, but I left out a couple of the hehe’s and ended up at the site where a bro tickled party girls 4 sexual gratification and so I emailed the tickler bro 2 sign my Kindle instead. The novel is kinda repetitive in the way that Anco’s “What Would I Want (sky)” is and that song “effing amazing” so I think that after Anco started existing, repetition no longer became a bad thing. Maybe that’s why Dakota Fanning’s cat sleeps on top of the washing machine in a box, maybe she likes the repetition of the clothes spinning ‘round + ‘round (via Florida feat. Ke$ha)

Did u like Tao Lin’s book Ricardo Yates?

Do u think Tao Lin is mad that guy who runs this HBGWHEM blog steals from him so often?

Is Dakota Fanning a hero or an anti-hero or superhero or a… get this… super zero? C what I did there?

Did u think I was gonna end that previous question with Ford Ranchero?

Did ur peen get butterflies inside of it when u read abt Dakota?”

So there you have it, the first book in the HBGWHEM book of the month club is Tao Lin’s “Richard Yates” which is available for purchase here-> http://amzn.to/d8IfmJ

Post your questions, comments and concerns in the section below.