THE NEVER ENDING SEPTEMBER ISSUE BLOG
They say good things come in threes- Blonde Triplets, the 80’s star war movies, death, and Carters (although I hear the Carter IV is on the way- Free Weezy. Free Lindsay. Free OJ) so I have decided to conclude HBGWHEM’s review of the September issue on the third post.
I also made this decision because you can’t even buy the September issue anymore and the October issue has Cary Mulligan on the cover so now I need to blog about her being a HBGWHEM and it’s turning into a huge Hot Blonde disaster over here.
If you’ve been with us since Part I, you already know the deal, this will be a continuation of the first two blogs, but less less funny because I’m beating a dead horse.
If you haven’t been with us since Part I, then that probably means you are one of the other 6 billion people who don’t read my blog. I’m pretty sure that we left off on the third index last post, which, yeah is only like 172 pages into a 700 page magazine, but I don’t have all the time in the world to meander through this magazine, I’m not Anne Frank.
Okay, open your Vogues to page 173 and we’ll continue with our HBGWHEM assessment of the issue. We don’t get any HBGWHEM until page 80, letting us ease into the subject, but once you get to the Neiman Marcus ad on 80, you will be like HOLY SHIT EYE MAKEUP ALL THE WAY TO THE EYEBROWS.
Neiman Marcus might have been considered as “Your Mother’s Department Store” in the past, but this ad campaign “The Art of Fashion” changes it all. This is a multi designer campaign showing everything that Neiman Marcus has, all photographed by Albert Watson.
We’ll go in chronological order, so we can view the ads as Albert Watson intended.
The Valentino spread, featuring an HBGWHEM in a lace Hannibal Lectur mask is one part hot, one part, “This chick’s makeup is so good I’d be okay with her eating my liver,” and, in the ad she’s holding onto a giant “O” which may have sexual connotations, but I’m not confident enough to make a definitive statement on that.
Lavin Paris is the next in the Neiman ad and it continues the full revitalization of the store with a HBGWHEM in a purple, feathered outfit.
Chanel’s portion of the Neimen ad brings back the “O” which I think is a brand mistep given the interlocking C logo they sport. Of the ads, the Chanel has the least HEM and therefore they put a lace mask over their model’s face. I bet Chanel feels like a bunch of rubes when they see how good Prada’s portion of the Nieman ad is. Sporting a Ceopatra eye that even Liz Taylor would gasp at Prada sends a message that, “HBGWHEM and Prada go together like Egypt and murdering your older sisters to gain a power position in a falling empire,” or at least that’s how I read into it.
Gucci probably had someone on the inside who said, you better throw some HEM on your chick otherwise you’re gonna look like douchebags, because their model sports lid to brow HEM.
On page 85 Armani continues the brow to lid tradition and they face Ralph Lauren’s portion with a HBG with no makeup at all which is nearly enough for HBGWHEM blog to demand a boycott of their stores, but it’s young in the magazine, lets see if they can right their wrongs.
Speaking of wrongs, if you turn the page, you will see Vera Wang’s ad which might as well be captioned Vera Wrong, because it fucking sucks.
Blumarine, a company I haven’t even heard of before, makes a really bold statement by putting a HBGWHEM facing Vera Wrong’s ad and I now will be looking up Blumarine, on accounts of them clearly having their shit together.
Oscar de la Renta’s Neiman portion is saved by the HBGWHEM because the coat he chose is so tacky that even the fucking psychopaths who put together the Juicy Couture ad (from Part II) would have put their foot down and they’d refuse to throw the model in it.
On the next page, Emilio Pucci seems to be so confident with having a HBGWHEM in his ad that he’s like, “We will dress her like a figure skater and a Mexican Luchalibra Wrestler!”. This ad boarders on HBGWHEM cruelty, but is still better than Vera Wrong.
St. John goes for minimal makeup very little lighting so the blonde doesn’t really stick out and then he dresses the HBGWHEM as a combination Big Bird * Ellen Degeneres and it’s a feathered, pants suited, nightmare. 
Carolina Herarra has to face this disaster and I’m not sure if I really like her take or if it’s just nice to see a HBGWHEM dressed in clothes that don’t make her look like a 50 foot tall, feathered dyke.
On the next page, Akris goes with a swoosh of HEM that is almost like a sleek Nike logo. I’m a little perplexed by the totally forrest green outfit, but maybe it’s a “Go Green” themed type outfit and I support going green like this because it allows me to run my air conditioner at all hours of the day, while I repeatedly fix my hair with ozone destroying hairsprays.
Facing Akris is Burberry Prorsum’s ad and if you’ve been reading up, you know that I love Burberry, I love hot blondes with heavy eye makeup and this fall, I love girls in leather jackets and this ad has all of these things, making for a perfect end to the Neiman Marcus ad, ending on a high note and… wait… whats this? On the back of the Burberry ad is Donna Karan NY’s ad of a HBG with no lighting on her hair, effectively making it brown and she has NO MAKEUP. The Neiman ad was going amazing, a few missteps thrown in the middle, but they probably just did that to beef up the page count and then, when they leave you, they slap a non B, non HEM redition at the end. I hope the directors cut of this shoot has an alternate ending because I just got HBGWHEM blueballs.
Oh no. This has gone way too long.
Considering that Weezy is allowing for Carter IV, I think I can allow for September Issue Part IV. Until next time, stay hot, stay blonde and most importantly, don’t leave the house without eyeliner.
In conclusion:
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/thebr0wnbunny/blog?bID=539535828#ixzz10xbXSW7n
