First, BRITBRIT held it against me.
Then, I held it against a low level employee of Jive.
Now, I’m holding BRITBRIT against me.
And you can too.
FEMME FATALE IS OUT AND (Spolier Alert) IT’S FUCKING FANTASTIC.
(That’s my Femme Fatale Face FYI, I Wasn’t Mad.)
(I was trying to seduce you, but just ended up looking rapey.)
I got the Deluxe edition (pictured above) and it was marked as $16.99, but they have them on sale for $12.99 at the Best Buy in Vauxhall! Also, if you’re a poor person, they have a non-deluxe version which doesn’t come with the booklet, the 4 extra tracks and the staff of Best Buy will point and laugh at you as you leave the store. They also do this little chant like, “Poor ass, Poor ass, you are just a bore-ass”, but you deserve it, because you’re poor.
I’m poor and I bought the deluxe version so you should too. Later, whilst I was grocery shopping in Target (not buying milk because I spent the extra cash on the deluxe edition), I convinced an old Jewish mother with no eyebrows (not the good LARAAA no eyebrows, I mean the bad Marilyn Manson with no makeup type eyebrows) to buy the deluxe version.
We were standing next to eachother at the display and I was looking at the prices to make sure I could report the lowest price to you and this happened.
Jewish Mother: What’s the difference between these two?
Me: One of them has a booklet and bonus tracks.
JM: Oh. I have to buy one of these for my daughter, she’s old now but-
Me: -but Britney is for everyone.
JM: So should I get the one with extra tracks.
Me: Yes, otherwise your daughter will think you don’t love her.
Me: Yes. She will know that you don’t have even a pathetic five dollars worth of love for her (it was $13.99 @ Target).
JM: You’re right. I guess I have to get the deluxe version.
Then I bought a shitload of oatmeal and toothpaste because those are pretty much the only solids I put in my mouth at this point. Then I bought a ton of Coke to supplement all my other meals.
Then I left Target and was able to listen to the NEW BRIT-BRIT album on the way home.
Here is a track by track review*
*Yes a responsible blog would put links to the song or snippets at least, but seriously, if you don’t have the album by now, I’m not going to do you any favors and link this stuff for you. Frankly, I’d prefer it if you left my blog and never came back until you get the new BRIT-BRIT CD.
Til the World Ends – THIS SONG IS AMAZING.
Ke$ha wrote this one and you can hear her style all over the song. This is a good thing IMO since anyone who knew me last summer, knew about a lil’ Ke$ha song I would throw on whenever there was an unmanned ipod doc. Ke$ha is such a guilty pleasure, but I love her and I’m protective of her. When those bikini pics came out and I read everyone on the superficial making fun of Ke$ha, I got all sad. I’m fully aware how contradictory this is, but somehow my mind works like this.
It really doesn’t seem like her fault though, I think her body is just built weird.
Hold it Against Me – THIS SONG IS AMAZING.This was the one that had that amazinggg video where it was all about Britney’s career, but no one interpreteted it as that and so they were like “Wait a second, Britney Spears crashed onto earth in a rocketship like Superman. Is Britney Spears Superman? I’m glad she only attacked a car with that umbrella if she was Superman because otherwise she would have definitely killed someone.” In the video, note the inspiration of McQueen S/S 99.
Inside Out – THIS SONG IS AMAZING. It’s the perfect song to describe what breaking up with a HGWHEM is like. The relationship is over and you know it, but then you’re like FU you’re a HBGWHEM, I’d like our private parts to touch at least once more before you leave. This song is almost like a companion to the greatest pop song of our generation “Cry Me a River” where JT was like “MEH you cheated on me Brit,” and now Britney is like, “Yeah, but you know you want to bang me at least one last time and I’m okay with you filming that lookalike and jumping on my countertops. I can get past that.” This song HAS to be the third single.
I Wanna Go – THIS SONG IS AMAZING. This song is slutty and I love it. “Shame (accent on the e) on me (accent on the e) to need (accent on the ee) release (accent on the e)” is the first part and then it has a chorus like “I wa-anna g-go a-all the-e way-y” and I’m like Britney you stuttering bitch, lets go all the way.
How I Roll – THIS SONG IS AMAZING. This part has a hand clap intro but I was clapping like a full on Brandon Fraiser retard clap at this point in the album because I was so pleased so I didn’t notice the clapping for a second. There is some bro on this song, not really sure who he is. He seems minor in the scheme of things but he doesn’t bollocks anything up so he can remain on the track. There isn’t a ton of music going on in the background, it’s just the claps, a piano and some sort of bubble machine. OH MAN if Britney makes a video with bubbles it will be perfect. Bubble video now. Thx. This is probably me least fav track on the album, but a video with bubbles will probably turn it to my favorite js.
(Drop Dead) Beautiful feat. Gabi – THIS S0NG IS AMAZING. It contains my favorite lyric of the entire album, “Who Ever Said Beauty’s on the Inside is a Liar”. This song is perfect, except for this Gabi bitch. Dear Gabi, 1. Who the F are you and 2. GTFO
Seal It With a Kiss – THIS SONG IS AMAZING. “OhohWEOH,” That’s what I’m going to call out at ladies I want to kiss. If this song is any indication, it will work. The chorus to this song is so good I came. This should be the fourth single. They still do that right? Release four singles off an album? They released that entire Black Eyed Peas album as singles so Brit Mutha Effin’ SP can get 4 singles.
Big Fat Bass – THIS SONG IS AMAZING. Ugh. Will I. Am. He hadddd to be on this album, didn’t he. Whatever, I guess the song turned out cool and he does have a monsterous legion of retards who love his every song so it will make people buy the album so I guess that’s okay. A lot of this song is, SUPRISE robotic sounding. WTF is this bro Will I. Am a robot. Everytime I see him he has plastic hair and his voice is all robotic and he’s dancing the robot and at some point you just want to be like:
But, seriously, Will I. Am, you wack ass robot, you gave Britney a hit so forget that shopped pic I just put up. P.S. Thank you for warning me about the kick drum.
Trouble For Me – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – The booklet lists FOUR people singing background vocals on this. 4 lucky bitches if you ask me. This song is good, but not as good as Britney’s “Trouble” song (which is my favorite britney song of all time shhh don’t tell or the Toxic stans will drag me into the street and beat me with sticks and Sketcher shoes).
Trip To Your Heart – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – This is one of those songs where it’s 3 seconds in you’re like, “Oh this will be my favorite song ever made, right now and the rest of the seconds are just bonus”. Brit sounds a tad robotic on this, but who wouldn’t love their very own robot Britney? I will gladly trade you my PS3 for a robot Britney. My PS3 streams netflix! I will even give you my netflix password and you can watch episodes of Arrested Development for free and all you have to do is give me your Britney robot. My ps3 plays blu-rays. I will give you Eclipse special edition bluray (no chance you’re getting my New Moon ultimate fan edition BluRay with collectable film cell) if you trade me your Britney robot.
Gasoline – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – Britney’s heart only runs on supreme so if your poor ass couldn’t afford the deluxe edition, bad news for you…
Criminal – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – I was waiting for a slow song by Brit. I was getting worried. Is it “Everytime” level? No. “Everytime is probably the most artistic of Brit’s work. I’m not saying it’s Beatles level, but that’s mostly because the Beatles are overrated dickbags with shitty haircuts so I wouldn’t want to bring “Everytime” down like that. Towards the end of “Criminal” it sounds like someone has a recorder solo. Did you have one of those in elementary school? Everyone had to learn different songs on the recorder and play them, but I never got to learn anything bitchin’ like Criminal. I hope that they change the curriculum to include Brit.
Up N Down – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – I think this is when the bonus tracks start. If you’re poor you don’t have this song and you’re missing out. But you’re poor so you’re probably used to missing out, tbh. At one point in the song, you could tell that Brit didn’t want to say the, “not afraid to rush” part because she wanted to say, “not afraid to fuck”. Listen to the song, you can hear Britney trying to hold in her fuck.
He About To Lose Me – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – This is a slower Brit song as well, but it still has a danceable beat. If it wasn’t a bonus track, it would have been great in the middle of the album to break up the hard dance tracks. That’s me being album advice guy because I have so much musical expertise. Dear lady who has sold a trillion records, listen to this homeless looking guy sitting on his futon blogging, he knows what he’s talking about. It kind of sounds like Britney isn’t singing the chorus to this song. At least they didn’t put stupid ass Gabi on this track.
Selfish – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – This song has the lyrics “I’m a girl and you’re a boy,” that’s probably why it’s a bonus track. The chorus of this song is great though. I wish, boom boom baby, Britney would pick me up in her Mercedes. Maybe that’s me being a little selfish?
Don’t Keep Me Waiting – THIS SONG IS AMAZING – The name of this song is what I would yell at the TV every time Britney came on and it was a clip of her doing something besides working on Femme Fatale. I think that was probably the inspiration for this song, the ravings of a lonely madman. Not the greatest song in the world, but whatever, by the time this song comes on, I’ll be dressed, full of at least 5 shots, my hair will straightened and I’ll be ready for the night.
- Bonus picture for reading this far:
So there you have it. Britney has released the best CD of her career and, right now, it appears to be the HBGWHEM Album of the year. There are still a lot of months left in 2011 and that could change. There are also other pop stars, some who have even been featured on HBGWHEM and possibly they have been working on new music. I don’t wannabe too pushy, but HBGWHEM still does have a tip line…