hot blonde girls with heavy eye makeup

(OSCARS LIVEBLOG: KEEP REFRESHING FOR MY COMMENTS ON WHAT MIGHT BE THE WORST 3HOURS IN TELEVISION HISTORY)

And the Academy Award for “Best Blog” goes to… Tom from HBGWHEM.Tumblr.Com

(my anna selezneva inspired facial expression)

This actually could happen considering who is hosting the Oscars this year. The Academy seems to be keen on acknowledging no talent dickbags so my Oscar is as good as won.

Do you know who they picked to host the Oscars this year?

ANNE HATHAZZZZZZZZ.

Ooops. Sorry I feel asleep in the middle of writing Anne Hathaway’s name. She is hosting the oscars… Anne Hathway, the original B.A.B. herself (Boring Ass Brunette) is HOSTING THE OSCARS.

This is mental.

How did this happen?

It’s like there was some sort of zombie apocalypse in Hollywood and every single human being who achieved even the tiniest amount of fame was eaten and so all they had left was Anne Hathaway. Hell, even in that scenario, I bet they would still pass on Anne Hathaway and just have the ceremony hosted by an ‘idea’ like “the 97th Annual Academy Awards, hosted by… the concept of centripetal force!”

I mean, let me type that out again, Anne Hathaway is hosting the Oscars.

How does this happen?

Was there a list of people she was chosen from? If so what does this list look like??

Possible Oscar Hosts:
Glen Beck, Derek Jeter, Muammar Gaddaffi, Anne Hathaway.

Decision person- “Ummm I guess… Hathaway?”

An Ellen Degeneres standup special at the Westboro Baptist Church would be funnier than Anne Hathaway hosting the oscars.

So please, join me as we watch what should be the biggest douche chill moment in modern history, the… um whatever number, let’s say 84th Annual Academy Awards…

Coverage beginsssssss….

Now!

• Russell Brand brought his mom to the Oscars. That’s a good sign about his marriage.
• Oh good. Those kids that perform choral versions of Keri Hilson songs will be doing a medley tonight. Can’t wait to mute that.
• Worst Dressed: PS22 Choir.
• Tim Gunn is queening out to Cate Blanchett, but I probably would too. Where is her hair?
• The linebacker lady is getting such crappy segments, “I just interviewed a bunch of poorly dressed kids, now let’s watch a segment on the lady who puts James Franco in a bath of ice when he O.D.s!”
• Watching the nominees Mom’s in HD was like looking at a piece of sidewalk in Camden. Cracks everywhere.
• Gaga wants Merissa Tomei to play her in a movie? She’ll never win the part over Marilyn Manson.
• Scarlett is something hot. I love that her lipstick matches her amazingggg dress. If I dyed my hair blonde, she and I would have the same haircut. Maria Maneudos dress is shit.
• They are making the lineback report on how fast Justin Timberlake is walking today. Can’t wait to for her report on how many shits Javiar Bardem takes during the ceremony tonight.
• They sent George Lopez’s son to do absolutely dick at the governors ball.
• There is an Asian person behind Matthew Mcconehay with the worst highlights ever. I’d still rather watch an interview with her over Matthew.
• Annette Benning is so dedicated to her lesbo movie that she seems to be still playing the character after wrapping the film over a year ago. Good earrings though.
• Anne Hathaway’s dress looking great. Good for Tim Gunn actually being able to talk about fashion to Valentino. I want Tim to be my gay best friend.
• Anne Hathaway has the personality of every person I’ve ever defriended on facebook.
• The linebacker finally got to interview a famous human being. How does Marky Mark have a full head of hear and Donny Wahlberg has none. Isn’t balding genetic?
• Maria Menounos has suchhhhh a tranny voice.
• Colin Firth is a good looking man.
• Aw a downs girl is being interviewed…. wait nope. Just Reese Witherspoon with her hair bumped. Who is the pig interviewing her?
• RDJ is dashing, but his tie suckssssss. Angie made his wife’s earnings so I like them even though I don’t like them.
• I wonder if Jennifer Hudson gets tired of people being like, “Whoa you’re not a fatso anymore,” every time she walks into the room. I like her Ace Ventura hairdo.
• Natalie Portman looks high…
• The fat chick is from Vanity Fair, that, or she worked two cubicals over from me last year.
• JT is bringing sexy back in Tom Ford AmIriteLOLAmiriteLOlamIrite?
• Someone stole Sandra Bullock’s necklace!
• HBGWHEM Nicole Kidman’s dress Ohhhfff. Not a good look. I loveeee her accent.
• Gwyneth looks FANTASTIC. So Hot So Blonde Great Heavy Eye Makeup. Let Gwyneth host the Oscars.
• I hope when Christian Bale wins best oscar, he accepts it doing the terrible deep Batman growl.
• BritBrit is gonna be on GMA tomorrow!!! Might pull an all nighter and watch it.
• Halle Berry looks hotttt. She’s the one black chick I’d do. Ooops was that too John Mayer of me to say?
• Maria had to think of descriptors and came up with, “we’re getting ready for a great show… that’s going to be… great.”
• If you get Inceptioned with Anne Hathaway you can only explore people’s nightmares, most of which are of Anne Hathaway hosting the Oscars.
• This was an actual line, “Mr Baldwin!” “Please, call me Mr. Baldwin.” Good to know that they also hired Anne Hathaway to write the script to the show.
• This sucks. At least James Franco is high for this.
• Can I liveblog something else? This fucking sucks.
• They had to put Tom Hanks first because no one hates him and it’s fair to say that EVERYONE hated the opening.
• Never though I’d say this… “Alice In Wonderland” won an Oscar, but it’s for art direction so it doesn’t count.
• Roger who shot Tru Grit lost to a guy named Wally FistHer who shot the cinematography for Inception. Roger shot one of the best Brad Pitt movies, The Assassination of Jesse James, watch it, it’s better than all the tripe nominate tonight.
• Jacki Weaver is up for best supporting actress and has an Australian accent so even if she loses the award, she wins my heart… awwwww.
• And Jackie Weaver lost. Melissa Leo won best supporting actress for her role in The Fighter.
• Just realized I should bold who wins because I’m a news source reporting on the Oscars.
• I like Mila’s boo- DRES-boob-booobssss. Dress! I like her dress!
• Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing made my a Chinaman so it’s probably really good animation. Wait. A Chinaman with an Australian accent… so he wins my heart too?
• Toy Story 3 won Best Animated Film. The guy who accepted the award was like, “Pixar is awesomeeee to work for making movies,” which probably plays well to the seven year old crowd, but not so great at the Oscars.
• Ew cream colored tuxes. Aaron Sorkin won best screenplay for The Social Network. Good call with the Paddy Chefesky reference Aaron. Network is a masterpiece. If you haven’t seen it. See it.
• Oh I guess that one was best adapted screenplay (like you care (like anyone is reading this)) Best Original Screenplay went to David Sodman or some old bro like that. He wrote The Kings Speech.
• Anne Hathaway is dressed in a dykey tux and singing a song. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. I spend a shitload of free time writing and I can’t put in words how fucking terrible this is. Even Hugh Jackman hated it and he eats this shit up. James Franco showed up in a dress. Again. He’s hotter than Anne Hathaway.
• My hair alter ego Russell Brand presents with that old lady I’d bang.
• In A Better World won for Foriegn Language Film. In a better world, this award wouldn’t be televised.
• Christian Bale won best supporting actor. They haven’t announced it yet.
• The bro who stole Laraaaaaaa lost to Christian Bale
• Christian Bale either started crying at the end of his speech or was trying to hold in an epic tirade against the guy who cued the music.
• Some person who is not only unfamous, but is also old and who is not only unfamous and old, but also fat, just got on the stage and was like we have the Oscars to 2020. But then they made up for it with HBGWHEM Nicole Kidman, my favorite actress who can do no wrong (if we pretend The Stepford Wives remake never existed). Nicole Kidman does an amazing job narrating a piece on music, then they play the Star Wars music because a true HBGWHEM is on the stage and BAB Anne Hathaway leaves in shame.
• Best actress ever, Nicole Kidman just gave Trent Reznor an Oscar. So perfect.
• Scarlett might have my favorite dress of the night. Her and Gywneth are going to have to dyke fight it out for my title of best dressed. I will end with the picture of the person who I think is best dressed.
• Sound mixing went to Inception if you were mixing the sounds of me watching Inception, it would be me talking to myself saying things like, “How long is this piece of shit?” and “Even if I was Ellen Page’s girlfriend, I wouldn’t sit through this.”
• Then they made another one for Sound Editing it seems excessive. It kept Scarlett on stage longer so I fully support it. Tired of people kissing Chris Nolan’s ass. Oh. Surprise, Inception one!
• Marisa Tomei’s tits look terrible in this dress.
• James Franco might be a genius, but he’s not a very good reader.
• Cate Blachett was in Lord of the Rings? That seemed like a very unHBGWHEMy movie.
• The Wolfman won for Makeup. The only thing I have heard about The Wolfman is that it has “Pretty good sideboob.”
• Alice in Wonderland won for Costume Design. The lady who accepted the award wore sheer black full sleeve gloves. Franco pushed her off the stage and took the Oscar back because of her tacky outfit.
• A very ungay Kevin Spacy did an acapella musical number before he talked about best original song. I wonder when he’s going to settle down with a nice girl.
• I hate Amy Adams as much as you hate her dress.
• Strangers No More a documentary short about the kids from ps22 won best Doc Short. Why is this being broadcast?
• James Franco’s nerdy younger brother made some emo looking Live Action Short film I didn’t catch the name of, but do you care?
• Um the Oscars just turned into a youtube video. And they autotuned movies. This had to have been Anne’s idea. They cut back to her and she was like, “There are cool things about this job” like being told I’m a shitbag. I might have added that last part, but I didn’t put it in quotes so it’s still journalistic.
• If the Banksy doc doesn’t win this is a joke.
• Banksy lost because of some doc called Inside Job which I’m pretty sure was fictional and starred Clive Owen. The Banksy doc is great. Watch it. the Queen of HBGWHEM appears in a Warhol style print in the film. I have been searching everywhere for a copy of the print. See Exit Through the Gift Shop. Now.
• Oh great. That’s what this award show needs. Billy Crystal.
• The Oscar for Editing went to The Social Network. Almost every time, the best Editing winner also wins best picture! The more you know—————*
• I’m never doing this ever again.
• Gwyneth Paltrow is singing and I really like it, but she’s sort of looks like she’s at the school talent show and might cry in a second.
• There was a montage of people that died this year. I tried to transcribe it for you but only got down Dennis Hopper and Betty White. Sorry.
• Halle Berry is talking about one of her friends who was in the montage or something. Why does Halle Berry look younger than I do?
• Some bro named Tom with a big nose won best director for Kings Speech. Totally BS Fincher and Aronofsky deserved it, but his name is Tom and he has a big nose so YESSSS TOMS WITH BIG NOSES RULEEEE.
• James Franco looked at the teleprompter, not squinty like usual. He looked scared, like on the prompter it said, “James, kill everyone in the audience. It’s your task, James.”
• I hope that Michael Cera wins best Actress just to keep people on their toes at future Oscars.
• Aw HBGWHEM Nicole Kidman was getting teary, then I was getting teary, then some blonde skank named Jennifer who they talked about next was getting teary.
• Oh the Jennifer girl was in Winter’s Bone. If you take one thing away from this liveblog it’s that Winter’s Bone Sucks. Here is the plot of Winter’s Bone-> My dad is gone. Everyone does meth b/c we live in the middle of the country. My dad did meth. People don’t want me to look for my dad, they just want meth. My dad is dead. I need to cut off his hand. I cut off his hand. Banjo hootanany. Yes. It ends with a banjo hootanany.
• Michelle Williams is hot and blonde and he has heavy eye makeup, but short hair. Mehhh. 
• Natalie Portman won best actress all the people on tumblr with no friends will be happy about this because they really embraced Black Swan.
• Colin Firth won best actor! He should have won last year, but w/e, maybe he can change the plaque and add last years date as well.
• Colin thanked Tom Ford! He should have been like “Shame on you for not giving me this award last year for the amazing film Tom Ford created. You all make me sick. Good day.”
• The Kings Speech won best picture! I wish they went up there and were like ‘Fuck facebook! add us on friendster!”

And finally… best dressed goes to…..

i want to start karlieklosspsychobitchgaze.tumblr.com so bad.

there are about an infinite number of pictures i could post/reblog.

   Today, on twitter, Anna Sui was trending. I’ve always liked Anna because she’s a good designer and she’s friends with Vincent Gallo- a man I’ve copied as much as possible in every aspect of life. I also like Vincent since he and I both look like a young Charles Manson.

   As I was going through the Anna Sui tweets, I saw that Coco Rocha tweeted about Anna trending and one of the @’s she included was @Lndsywixson.

   Yes. That’s right. A Lindsay Wixson Twitter account. Too good to be true right? This is the same girl that, in an interview Videofashion!, told the interviewer that “they don’t have Macy’s in Kansas,” which I’m sure shocked the employees of the Macy’s stores that are in Kansas. In the same interview, she also commented that, in Wichita, “it’s not like the 50’s where everyone has to button their shirt up.” What I gather from that statement is that in Topeka, Kansas in the 50’s, there was Brown V. The Board of Education which resulted in the decision that segregated schools were unconsitutional, meanwhile, two hours away in Wichita Kansas in the 50’s, there was Wixson V. The State of Kansas where it was determined that Lindsey’s great grandfather had to “button his shirt up”.

   With that interview as insight into the mind of Lindsey Wixson, I was excited to check the twitter account out.

   Sadly, it’s not verified, but Coco used the link and she seems like a model in the know, then I think there is a 53% chance that this is “the official twitter account of Lindsey Wixson” as the page states.

  I took a quick look at the account and here are my favorite possible Lindsey authored tweets:

  This one appears to be about going to the New York Knicks game? Is “the nix game” a sex thing that kids are doing that I don’t know about? I googled “Nix” and apparently, it’s “a natural satellite of Pluto” or a medication that gets rid of headlice. Seeing as how Lindsey grew up in Wichita, KS, it’s possible she thought she was going to be abducted and taken to Pluto, since, I’m pretty sure, the only people who claim they were abducted are people from Kansas. Then again, she is from Wichita KS so it’s possible she was just taking care of a case of headlice. 

   This one is a correction to a post that never existed as far as I can tell. I’ve looked all over the twitter account and I can’t figure out what she was correcting. The tweet before it simply said, “Thank You” then had a smiley face as punctuation. Did she mean to tell some person about her boobs, but she accidentally wrote ‘Thank You’? Does that happen to you often girls? Do you find yourself answering an accusation that you have no boobs with “Thank You” and then you’re like HEYYYY WAIT A MINUTE “I have boobs and I do eat food! That’s what I meant to say? Why did I just thank you for slagging off my boobs?”

   This one, she had just watched Food Inc, a documentary she recommends, and now she wants mass produced food… in American?… to stop. Yeah. That’s what the tweet says. I’ll get started on my garden. It shouldn’t be too much trouble considering I live in the projects in the middle of Newark. Mass produced food needs to be stopped though! But only in American. If it’s that food for Mexican people, the Goya stuff, mass produce away because your label is in Spanish. Lindsey doesn’t know much Spanish, but a couple tweets earlier she was looking for Spanish movie recommendations. Seriously though, we need to stop mass producing food. If I’m so concerned about having food for a meal, then maybe I should move to somewhere were I can get organically produced pizza pockets, you know, somewhere where they don’t have Macy’s.

   This one, although redundant has a good message. I think she could do a whole series of tweets with this theme. “Starbursts are stars too!”/”Wu-Tang is a favor of Tang too!”/”Baby Ruths are babies too!” That last one might be a lie. I don’t think Baby Ruths are actually made of babies and neither does Wixson. Although, if they were made of babies that would explain why they are so delicious…

I wonder what brought on this homeless person related tweet. Lindsey must have seen my Valentine, Jessica Hart, and I celebrating our anniversary at the Hotel Regina.

   This one I like because it’s a hot young model posting a flat out lie about fashion. I’m guessing she was regretting the purchase and was like, “Crap, I need to tweet that bell bottoms are coming back so I don’t feel like such a fuddy duddy when I wear these.” 3 people retweeted this tweet which means Wixson outsmarted three people. LOL.

   But I don’t want to be super mean to Wixson. Just in case, somehow someway, she finds this, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I know that she’s just a little girl and I always hate it when people are nasty in TFS posts to models because I bet they read a lot of that stuff. In that spirit, I’d like to post pictures which prove that, yes, as much as segregation is unconstitutional, Wixson is a HBGWHEM.

And here is a beautiful fragrance ad she shot, looking like a true HBGWHEM.

Make sure to follow (possibly) Lindsey Wixson on twitter! @lndsywixson for even more Wixson insights!

Becky- When I sent you that message about The King of Limbs, I imagined you getting it, then having an excitement related heart attack like that old Indian guy did in New Moon when he heard Thom’s “Hearing Damage” for the first time.

bonkham:

The King of Limbs = highlight of 2011. <3 Thank you Thom…and Tom :P

Dear

   I never believed in love at first sight, until I saw you. I still remember exactly what you were wearing. You had on a black Guns N Roses t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up and around your neck was a locket. Your beautiful blonde hair was blown out and your eye makeup was perfect. We were strangers, but as soon as I saw you, I knew that we would spend forever together.

   We were at the party and I started pointing at you and yelling, “Does anyone know who that is?” and Jillian was like, “Pretty sure that’s Jessica Hart.”

  “You’re pretty sure?” I asked.

  “Yes. I’m pretty sure that’s Jessica Hart,” Jillian responded with an edge in her voice.

  “Oh, great,” I said, “Perfect. Good to know you’re only ‘pretty sure’. Guess what, I was ‘pretty sure’ that Agyness Deyn was going to have a promising modeling career and we all know how that turned out.”

   I was left alone after my outburst and I said to myself, “Well, Jillian does usually have a good eye for models so I’m going to trust her on this one.” I began walking towards the woman that Jillian was pretty sure was Jessica Hart and I am 100% positive was you and now I know that you’re Jessica Hart so for the sake of this love letter, I’m walking towards you and you are Jessica Hart. That’s your name. Jillian was right.

   When I got in earshot of you, I overheard your friend say, “I’m pretty sure that’s Tom Reagan that’s creepily stalking behind you.”

   You were like, “You’re pretty sure? Oh well that’s just great. You were also ‘pretty sure’ that we were partying with Owen Wilson last week and I made a total ass out of myself when I told Ellen DeGeneres that she was hilarious in Marmaduke. Do you know how embarrassing it is to accidentally accuse someone of being in Marmaduke? Fucking George Lopez was in Marmaduke, it’s doesn’t get shittier than that.”

   That’s when you turned around and sparks flew. Our entire life together flashed before my eyes and then, during the flashing, I took mental pictures, then e-mailed the pictures to Bill Gates and he was like, “Tom, I retired,” so I e-mailed him them to Steve Jobs and he was like, “Dude, bad time, I’m like, on a dissimulator,” or something medical sounding like that and then I got mad and threw my phone and was like, “Damn it, who the hell is running all these computers if all the nerds are retired or dead? Then I remembered that Michael Cera movie about Facebook and so I sent Michael Cera an e-mail with all the mental pictures I took and then Michael Cera printed them out because no one will put him in movies anymore because he starred in a movie as himself for the forty third time and he had to hit people with swords that turned them into coins and if you’ve ever had sex in your life it was impossible to enjoy the movie.

   Then I got the package of the pictures and I was like, “Damn it, Michael Cera, I wanted these on my computer too,” so he was like, “Scan them,” and, luckily, it was an e-mail conversation so I didn’t have to listen to Michael Cera nervously stutter that out. I sent back, “You scan them, Michael Cera. Not like you’re busy with much else. What are you gonna do if I threaten you? Hit me with a sword and turn me to coins? Sorry Michael Cera, I live in the real world.”

So Michael Cera scanned the pictures he printed out for me.

And here they are:

 Remember when I said you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I asked to buy your underwear for $40?

   You said that we were in a relationship and it would be silly for you to take $40 from me for your underwear. Then you sold me your underwear for $20.

   That was a great day.

   Remember when you wanted to start eating healthier so I promise to buy you a peach tree, but then I found out full size peach trees are expensive and a pain in the ass to install in our yard so I just bought a tomato vine and convinced you that they had genetically engineered peaches to grow fuzzless, on vines, without pits? 

   Remember when you were lounging in your undies and I was like, “Really Jessica? Are you fucking serious? You’re just going to have a light pointed at the wall? What are we lighting up there? Tell me. If you’re not going to pay the electrical bills could you use an ounce of discretion with the electricity? I’m not sitting in a cubical all day so that you can have mood lighting on every corner in our apartment.”

   Remember when we harbored a Swedish foreign exchange student? I didn’t really bond with him, but he seemed pretty attached to you. I’m not sure if people in Sweden have mommy issues, but boy did our exchange student. He would barely let you go. I was like, “Svens! Get your hands off my girl!” and you were like, “His name isn’t Svens and he doesn’t speak English! Leave him be. You wouldn’t let me get a puppy so at least let me have my Swedish exchange student.”

   Remember the time we stayed at the Hotel Regina and then poured vodka on homeless people and tried to light them on fire?

   Remember when I tried to knit you a birthday sweater, but then I was like, “Fuck knitting, I’m too young for this bullshit!” And then I threw out my disaster of a sweater and you took it out of the trash and you were like, “No. I like it,” I was sulking and yelling at the TV about plot points during Gossip Girl and then you put it on and you were like “fat girl in a litttleee shawl.” I started laughing because you’re not fat and because you looked silly, but not that silly because you weren’t fat.

Remember when you came home all excited like, “I made the cover of Madison magazine?” and I was like, “Madison magazine? What the fuck is that? Is that one of those magazines like the one about cigars that exists, but you’ve never actually seen someone read before?” and then you felt like shit for two days and then you were like, “I made the cover of Vogue Australia!

Remember when we fell in love?

I do.

It was this moment, right here:

Happy Valentines Day from Tom, Jessica Hart and HBGWHEM!

“Damn. You like Kate almost as much as McQueen does,” she said to me in the cramped window seat area of the South Orange Starbucks. We were two strangers, in a too tiny, too busy coffee shop that pushed us into an an awkward setup of two small chairs on either side of a small faux wood coffee table. I put my magazine down on the table and responded, “Fuck him, I love Kate more than anyone.”

She decided to agree with me because we had just met and my emo boy haircut I had at the time made me look crazy enough that you wouldn’t want to argue with me for fear I’d become unhinged with all the angst that was building inside my frail emo boy frame. The mere fact that I could afford a Vogue and Starbucks seemed to be the only thing that would convince a stranger I was somewhat normal and I, at minimum, had a caring mother that I made sit four tables over because I didn’t want to look like a ‘child with his mommy’. I was older than the emo boy haircut would suggest and my mom was back in Upstate New York, but those are all facts that we would never cover in my short Starbucks friend moment.

After I finished my coffee and said goodbye to the girl, I went home and immediately Googled “Kate McQueen,” because I don’t think you could get the internet on your phone back then so you just had to remember shit and hope that your mind didn’t mutate it into something like “Kate McSweeny” and send you on a four hour Googling rampage by the time you got in front of a computer.

There were a TON of ladies named “Kate McQueen” and so I decided I had to be more specific. I typed out “Kate Moss McQueen” and, as the results popped up, I silently cursed Google, “Fucking ‘Kate McQueen’. You really think I was searching for some shitty Midwestern real estate agent, Google? I swear if you keep this bullshit up, I’m Yahoo!ing for the rest of my days.” Luckily, on the computer screen was the name Kate Moss, so I immediately calmed down and started clicking on links.

I recognized the man I was presented with. A shaved head and a messy goatee; an image that gave me an odd feeling that he was someone I went to high school with and not one of fashion’s most influential designers. I had seen him in pictures with Kate, I had heard him mentioned countless times in the magazines I read and I gradually remembered why he was familiar to me, the hologram.

Kate had just been attacked with the coke scandal. It was annoying to hear everyone say, “Oh, that’s how she stayed so skinny,” as these fat pieces of shit who were making the jokes sopped up gravy with handfuls of bread. I wanted to grab them by the chins and be like, “You could have a Scarface sized mountain of coke every morning and you’d still be a fat mess,” but I didn’t because I weighed about 119lbs at the time time and would have easily been crushed.

I remember the gasps of horror when the Mirror video came out and I remember when they were effectively drowned out by the gasps of onlookers as they saw the beautiful “ghost” of Kate fluttering in the center of the runway during McQueen’s show. The applause began when the image appeared and didn’t stop even when it disappeared.

Kate and McQueen had that special creative relationship where they inspired each other. There was something exciting when they collided and people couldn’t help, but notice, copy, follow; like with the skull scarf mania.

I’ve loved fashion for a while and I’m really good with knowing models, but I’ve never been good with designers. Most of the designers that I do know well are the names that everyone knows because of their exposure. Michael Kohrs from Project Runway, Marc Jacobs from the French documentary, Tom Ford from his mutual admiration for starlets that I follow obsessively. I’ve always loved fashion, but I find it very hard to follow designers.

When I started looking through McQueen’s work, it was very distinctive and it was one of the first times that I was able to familiarize myself with a brand, without watching the man behind the brand on TV for an extended period of time.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you about his life, because, outside of the time it intersected with Kate, I don’t really know anything about it. It was sort of like meeting someone through a mutual friend. Your entire opinion of that person is shaped through the lense of the friend that you both share. Sure you can look them up online and check out all the other photos of their life, but you don’t really have a feel for who they are beyond the times the person was plopped in front of you for one reason or another.

There are places that you go to learn about Alexander, I’m not going to discuss the details of his life. I don’t know him well enough to refer to him as Lee.

What I want to do here is talk about his Fall 2006 RTW campaign, which is not only the best McQueen collection, but also one of my favorite collections ever. It contains numerous pieces that really showed an understanding, love and appreciation for HBGWHEMs.

The Fall 2006 McQueen RTW runaway show incorporated four of my top five models. Only missing Lara Stone, this show was a dream assemblage of top models and the pieces that these perfect women wore down that runway absolutely matched their beauty.

I’ve already touched on the epic ending for this show, which featured Kate so that leaves my other three favorite models to walk the runway.

Gemma Ward walked in two different pieces. The first piece was a timeless coat that was so striking it took me a minute to notice the bird feathers on Gemma in the picture. This was a perfect marriage of the beauty of a flawlesslessy made garment, the beauty of nature’s most majestic of animals and the beauty of this young, almost otherworldly girl.

The second piece she walked in never registers with me because Gemma’s hair is pulled back so that the butterflies can rest on her and it’s an image that is so captivating, it boarders on distracting. The nymphish, fairy feel this walk by Gemma gives me is magic. It’s truly a testament that McQueen was concious both of the “fashion” and the “show”.

Sasha only walks once for this collection, but the piece that she wears is my second favorite of the plaid prints from McQueen’s F06RTW. I can’t imagine another model fitting this piece as perfectly as Sasha does. It truly looks like it’s made for her and would be tragically stolen if any other women in the world was to wear the dress. The heavy purplish blush works exceptionally with Sasha’s face structure and a lesser model may risk looking zombish in the same shades that give Sasha life.

My favorite dress of the plaids introduced me to Querelle Jansen, the model who walked in the piece. Before this Querelle was a dark cholocate brunette aka irrelevant. She always had freckles that seemed to contradict her hair color and when she walked out on that runway with bleach blonde and the masterpiece red plaid dress, she was a model reborn. Visually perfect, this is when Querelle went from model to HBWHEM. Sadly, she has since dyed her hair, but this photograph can be a testiment to Querelle’s incredible work of the past.

My final favorite, Caroline Trentini walked in an imperfectly perfect piece that is absolutely RTW and would stop most people in their tracks if you were to pass someone wearing it in the streets. Wearing a reverse mohawk of features, Caroline’s freckles are covered with a pale makeup that gives her a skin tone that perfectly compliments the wardrobe, as if she was born in these clothes, hatched from a golden egg.

The red plaid in these pieces floored me and I found that the print was stuck in my head. It was distintly unschoolgirl plaid and I started becoming obsessed with how I could work it into my wardrobe. After online searching, mall hopping Jersey’s many, many malls, I was finally able to find a tie that replicated the pattern I fell in love with.

Inspiring and absolutely unique, Alexander McQueen was incredibly gifted and dedicated to fashion. His devotion didn’t begin and end with material and thread, it was obvious in his personal relationships as well. Alexander was best friends with Queen Kate and knowing that, immediately you know that he had an eye for HBGWHEMs. He didn’t just use them for his work, he appreciated them as the rare and exquisite creatures they are.

In 2005, displaying a beautiful show of support, Alexander did his ss06 walk out in a “We Love You Kate” shirt, a gesture that was important as it was kind.

So, yeah, in the end, the girl at Starbucks was right, I do like Kate almost as much as McQueen did.

In memory of Alexander McQueen

I’m going to wait a day before I post HBGWHEM 4.6

The piece might not even be right for HBGWHEM, I might just post it on my personal blog.

Gonna sleep on it and I’ll decide tomorrow.

<Lindsay34ev

   There’s a new Mission Impossible movie being filmed. It’s either the third or the fourth in the franchise. The things I know about the Mission Impossible movies are:

   1. A Message Will Self Destruct.

   2. Tom Cruise is the main character.

   3. Tom Cruise has to, like, drop down on this wire contraption like Cir De Sole

   4. There might be four of these movies.

   This newest Mission Impossible stars Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s new BF, the guy from The Hurt Locker. I didn’t see The Hurt Locker, but I saw a clip of it during the Oscars. The things I know about The Hurt Locker are:

   1. It’s directed by a women so the inside of this guy’s hurt locker is probably filled with Zac Efron cutouts from Teen Vogue.

   2. Tom Cruise’s BF has to disarm a bomb while wearing a space suit.

   3. Should he cut the red wire or the blue wire?

   4. I think he ends up choosing the wrong wire.

   The Hurt Locker won best picture at last year’s Oscars because they didn’t want to give another Oscar to James Cameron because I guess he’s kind of an asshole. I don’t really get why that would matter though, they give Sean Penn Oscar’s every year and he’s a huge douche. Maybe they were just pissed that Zac Efron wasn’t nominated for his performance in Charlie St. Cloud so, in protest, they voted The Hurt Locker best picture because of the Efron photos inside the locker. Remember when that guy in Charlie St. Cloud is like, “Don’t worry, I don’t think anyone will be asking you to be the designated driver because you killed Charlie St. Cloud that one time when we did ask you,” and the Zac Efron punches the guy in the face. Well they awarded the oscar to Sean Penn for that scene.

   In the Feb 2011 version of Vogue India (I bet they’re really pushing boundries in that mag) Tom Cruise’s BF promotes his new Mission Impossible movie with the most impossible mission ever. TO STEAL LARAAAAA.

   Everyone wants to steal LARAAAA so I bet that this is the plot to just about all the photoshoots they send LARAAAA to do with Tom Cruise’s BF’s or ex-BF’s.

   As always, I was going to write things on this pictures, you know, funny little comments, but then I looked into LARAAAA’s straight brow’ed deep gaze and I was unable to even open Microsoft Paint to change the image.

   Steven Klein shot this editorial and I’ll go through the pictures with you. Since this is Vogue India, the article is probably in… Indian… language… I have no cultural knowledge…. whatever, the point I’m getting at is that neither you nor I could read the story that goes along with this shoot so I’ve decided to decifer it myself.

   Tom Cruise’s BF holds into LARAAAA and he looks perplexed at her chest.

   “Why can’t Tom’s chest be this perky?” The Hurt Locker guy asks himself.

   He’s confused.

   “You’re so tall, when I hold Tom against myself, we’re both 5’5” and so it’s perfect. It’s like we were made for eachother.”

   The Hurt Locker guy looks more confused with LARAAAAA than he did when he was trying to disarm that bomb.

   LARAAAAA models her perfect ass off despite this strange troll covering her cleavage up in the picture.

   “They dressed me just like Tom Cruise in Collateral,” The Hurt Locker guy tells LARAAAAA.“It’s pretty nice, huh? Tom had white hair in that movie. Like Anderson Cooper. Do you think that Anderson Cooper will see this shoot and request that I do a shoot with him. You know, something arty, private, intense.”

   LARAAAAA looks at the ground.

   Steven asks The Hurt Locker to walk with LARAAAA to the car. “Show affection!” he tells The Hurt Locker.

   The Hurt Locker drapes his arm around LARAAAA’s perfect shoulders like he was posing with a random fan and not the trancentendal beauty, LARAAAA. I bet, when you meet LARAAAA in person, every fiber of your being fights with your common decenecy mental process to such a degree that your entire body will physically ache every second it’s not pressed against LARAAAA. Unless you’re The Hurt Locker.

   The Hurt Locker gets into a car with LARAAA and he’s horribly worried that he will catch the “Cooties” that Tom was telling him about on the set of Mission Impossible ¾ yesterday. “You remember that time I went batshit on Oprah?” The Hurt Locker remembers Tom saying, “That was because I caught cooties from Joey Potter.”

   Despite the unprofessionalism of The Hurt Locker, LARAAAA looks perfect beceause it’s impossible for her not to.

   Unf. Look at her cheek bones. Look at that JACKET. Look at that fucking HBGWHEM, HBGWEMING.

   The Hurt Locker rolls down the window and Steven has to shoot the rest of the shots with The Hurt Locker’s head sticking out the window as he gulps in the air from outside.

  The Hurt Locker gets out in the middle of traffic because he’s convinced that, “…the cooties are on me! They’re all over me! Hold my hand intern boy. I think I’m dying. Get over here intern boy! Where’s your professionalism delicious intern boy?”

   An intern named Chaz holds The Hurt Lockers hand and, because LARAAAAA knowns fashion, she says, “Paint that Chad’s nails and then we’ll put it together in post.” Chaz has his nails painted and, with a strategic page break, Steven is confident that he can make it look like The Hurt Locker is holding LARAAAA’s hand.

   LARAAAAA is wearing sunglasses on the other page. I don’t approve. That’s like painting sunglasses on the Mona Lisa. Uncool sylist lady. Save the sunglasses shots for the old bitches with crows feet like Ellen Degeneres. I want to see ALL of LARAAAA.

   They look at the pictures and they aren’t sure that people will believe it’s LARAAA’s hand. Steven, frustrated, says, “Fuck it, just put a black and white from earlier in the shoot in the bottom left corner. It will distract everyone and they won’t notice that The Hurt Locker is hyperventialiting and holding hands with Chaz’s painted nails.”

   They have to do a kissing scene. The Hurt Locker is tipped off by Chaz about the scene and he makes a break for it. He runs like he just heard that Katie Holmes is home early from a press tour. LARAAAA easily chases The Hurt Locker down since her stride is twice as long as The Hurt Locker’s 5’1” frame. She pulls the metal strap off her purse and threatens to kill The Hurt Locker if he doesn’t get this kissing scene done. She tells The Hurt Locker that she’s not excited about kissing a little troll either, but she’s doing it because she’s a TOP MODEL.

   LARAAAA sees what The Hurt Locker has shot and she’s embarassed to be in the shots with him. No one, I mean no one, embarasses LARAAAAA. She’s unhappy with The Hurt Locker’s shots and so she beats the shit out of him.

   Moral of the editorial: Lara Stone is one bomb that even The Hurt Locker can’t disarm.

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