Maybe but Im the one with the vagina and I think she wants that way more than a fucking pony. Why? Because ITS A FUCKING PONY. one day me and lara will get married on top of a mountain with a band and YOU WONT BE INVITED.
I will be someone’s plus one to your sham of a wedding. That’s how people always end up at parties they are uninvited to on Gossip Girl.
This would be the perfecttt time for me to bust out my frustrated Lara gif, but I don’t know how to make one of those because I’m very cool and don’t know computer things so please refer to :54 to :57 of the video below.
Okay, I know that I posted that thing like, “OHHH MYSTERIOUS, come back on the first of the year for my next blog and it will be a scandal and a half,” but then I’ve started watching this video from NYMAG over and over and I have to share it with you because my real life friends don’t get it and I know you will!!!! Or, if you don’t, at least you won’t be like, “Oh, I don’t like models besides the Victoria’s Secret Angels. Have U seen their Michael Bay commercial? It has a HELICOPTER,” because that’s what my real friends say and then I have to wish for a helicopter to crash into my house so I don’t have to live an additional moments with them in my life.
I have a bunch of pictures of Lara smoking. I don’t know why I like when she smokes so much, because blahblahhh aging, bad for you, eat a dick, cry about it; but I really like when she smokes. It started with a Polaroid pic of her smoking:
(Link compliments of the completely fantastic Anthesis … if you don’t follow her your life sucks)
And once I found all the Lara smoking pics, I moved onto Lara smoking videos. That’s when I found the NYMAG video. Now, when I can’t find anything to read and no one is on tumblr, I just watch the video. I’ve watched it a lot.
Well, here is the video:
Now you understand why I had to ruin all the hype of my next super secret New Years post about the leaked photo.
Lara has to be one of the most quotable models working right now.
Here is a transcript of the video.
Guy taking the video: Mehhh my hands aren’t shaking, I’m gonna try to make this about me.
LS: It’s because I quit drinking. (Hold on. Did this guy just discuss his own issues in front of me while I’m being all hot and smoking a cigarette? I hope he dies.) Wait, your hands or my hands?
Guy: (Shit, what the fuck does she care about my hands? I fucking suck.) You quit drinking?
LS: Mhhmm (Gonna start again because of you, ol’ shakyhands)
LS: *BEST WGAF BODY LANGUAGE EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* Can someone Gif this for me?
Lara notices another model offscreen.
LS: Why the fuck is she wearing those shoes for fun??
Lara shows the Guy how tall the shoes were.
A fat person walks down the stairs and Lara looks so frustrated with the mere fact that this woman can exist in the world. She closes her eyes and curls herself up in the most pure expression of disgust I have ever witnessed.
Lara finishes her cig and thus completes the greatest video on youtube.
Okay, I'll listen to you because you obviously know everything.
has anyone ever told you that you look permenantly stoned.
That isn't a question.
i always get that. you don’t know how many mothers have told their children to stop hanging out with me because i was the ‘wrong element’, which, i think in white person speak means that i always look blunted or on E… when i typed that i didn’t mean children like children-children, i meant children like people’s grown sons and daughters. either way, i’ve lost a lot of friends and kept a lot of brain cells along the way. oh no! i just answered a not-question question. time warp.
I don’t know about any laws except for the really popular ones like murder or stealing or don’t get high off your own supply, so I have to be careful that I don’t slander this awful “Cunt Bitch”.
I’m sorry if you’re offended by the phrasing “Cunt Bitch”, but if you are, I have to say, “‘Cunt Bitch’ pleaseeeeee.”
LINDSAY GOT BEAT UP.
*Sadface* *Sadface* Semicolon:
If offical documents say that someone is a “Cunt Bitch” then it’s not slander when I call them a “Cunt Bitch” right?
Honestly, I’ve been waiting a VERY long time to write a blog post that contains the phrase, “Cunt Bitch” and I thought that it would never happen. Remember when Charlie had, like a crippled dad or grandpa or maybe an uncle? His life was shitttyyyyy, but then he won a golden ticket and his dad uncle man was cured! It was amazing right?
Lindsay did that for me!
Lindsay was my first. She’s special. She’s magical. She’s a Hot Blonde Girl With Heavy Eye Makeup who loves…
Often, Lilo and I would be smokin’ a cig and we’d be like, “Cunt Bitch” is the future! “Cunt Bitch” should be the name of the new leggins line!!! We will sell eight million leggins. That would be a leggins world record. We might get a trophy. It would be like winning a BAFTA, except, instead of the trophy saying, “Awesome Job Pretending You Are Someone Else” it would say, “Cunt Bitch, best name for a leggins company ever!”
I love Lindsay. She is pretty, she dresses super well, she enjoys Coca Cola products like I do. She’s just all around great. I didn’t need a gift from her for Xmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) (but if you don’t celebrate christmas, kinda looking down on you as a person) but she gave me a chistmas gift anyway!
If you go to the HBGWHEM facebook page, you will see the full report from this “Cunt Bitch” who PUSHED LINDSAY.
I know. I know. I know. I know!
I hate you residents of California (except for the residents of California that follow me on tumblr, I love you resident of Cali who follows me, I want to go to your apartment and clean your coffee table and maybe groom your dog just to show you how caring I am, like LINDSAY.)
A “Cunt Bitch” pushed Lindsay.
As you can see from the document, it says, BlahBlahBlah, then Lindsay called me a “Cunt Bitch”.
Best incident report ever.
You can add that to anything and it gets better.
Here is probably what an incident report from, like a Dunk’n Donuts looks like, “Customer was dissatisfied by her coffee purchase and refused to pay for her coffee. Police were called to the scene, and, eventually, the woman was given the right order and paid for her coffee.” BORING ASS INCIDENT REPORT.
Now, enter Lindsay. “Customer was dissatisified by her coffee purchase and refused to pay for her coffee. Lindsay Lohan arrived at the scene and called the woman a “Cunt Bitch”. The woman was given her right order and paid for her coffee.” AWESOME INCIDENT REPORT.
North Korea is mad at South Korea for… ? Lindsay Lohan arrives and tells North Korea to stop being a “Cunt Bitch”. WAR OVER.
Man, look at that, I got two .1’s in the same title. Tom runs the greatest blog about blonde people, besides all those millions of other blogs that actually have pictures of blonde girls, instead of 33 straight paragraphs of me talking about how great I am.
Maybe I’m just a little excited? Maybe I just found out that Gemma Lee; HBGWHEM19, just became AN INTERNATIONAL POPSTAR. That’s right, in (however many months it’s been since I wrote that really good piece on Gemma that tonsss of people clicked on) Gemma has been able to capitalize on her fame from being a HBGWHEM, and blossom into a full-on popstar. I’ve heard people say that Gemma is the Justin Timberlake of Australia. But then they are always like, “I mean the old JT, like the, ‘BritBrit broke my heart,’ guy. Not the super faggy N’SYNC JT or the, ‘I’m an actorrrrrr guysssssss forget about my jeri curlllllll,’ era JT that we have to suffer through now.”
I had to make up the name of the band because all of this is so new. I know that Gemma Lee is the leader of the band, but there is also another person(s) in the band so I’ve deemed them Gemma Lee and the Wannabes. Gemma Lee is the Gemma Lee part of the band and the rest of the band is the Wannabees. They don’t mind being called this, I’m sure, because every time they are hanging out with Gemma Lee, they’re all considered wannabe Gemma Lee’s anyways.
Without further stalling, I present to you the music video for Gemma Lee and the Wannabes – “11 Year Old Us”.
Tom is still investigating on if Gemma Lee is singing on the song or if she’s playing the music type parts. Calls to Gemma Lee’s agent were not returned or, if they were, it was just messages like, “Tom, what the hell is wrong with you?”
If she’s singing, Tom is going to say; The vocals really make the song. The inspirational message of the song seems to be the driving force. It starts off strong with lead singer, Gemma Lee, like, “It’s Gemma Lee on this mic and bitch I’m here to tell you, I’m the shit,” and then she’s here to tell us a bunch of other stuff. Even though the tempo of the song totally changes, Gemma’s vocals bring it all together. Without Gemma’s vocals, this band would be just another Australian band covering… Keith Urban songs?
If she’s playing the musical stuff, Tom is going to say: The musical shit really makes the song. The drum beat really drives the energy. The fact that Gemma Lee can also play the guitar or whatever that other instrument is, as she plays the drums, just shows how Gemma is way more talented than the singer. What is the singer eating a PBJ in the middle of this song? Someone get the lead singer an ice water because she’s messing up Gemma’s musical genius.
The public reaction to “11 Year Old Us,” has been explosive in Gemma Lee’s native Australia. Look at the Australian Billboard Top 10 Singles.
Gemma Lee and the Wannabes – 11 Year Old Us
Keith Urban – I get to Kiss Nicole Kidman.
Kylie Minogue – Tom Thinks I Might Be Australian, But I Might Just be British
Keith Urban – I’ve Seen Nicole Kidman Naked Too.
Hugh Jackman & Nicole Kidman – We Freed the Slaves in Australia, WTF Have You Ever Done?
Keith Urban – It was Awesome.
* People who accidentally spelled Gemma Lee and the Wannabees with 2 E’s and so they bought the single again because it sounded fucking awesome and they were tired of buying Keith Urban records. *
Keith Urban – Have You See The Hours? I’m Married to the Lady From That!
Mel Gibson – Smile and Blow Me
Kylie Minogue – Tom is Pretty Confident I’m Australian, He’s Almost Sure I am.
People might complain, “What’s with this video? It just looks like a black screen. We like Gemma Lee because of her good outfits. Where are the outfits??” and while we empathize with you, do you really think we could handle the infectious song, “11 Year Old Us,” combined with pictures of Gemma Lee? Not a chance. It would be like the Runaways without the lesbian looking bass player. Too much, too much.
Tom has been able to score an exclusive interview with Maddison Maxwell at Australian Billboard about the impact of Gemma Lee’s new single on the music scene. We’ve had a HBGWHEM intern transcribe the audio so you can read how the convo went down.
Tom: So how big of a record is the new Gemma Lee and the Wannabes song?
Maddison: Well, just to give you some perspective, the highest selling record in Australia is Keith Urban’s “Wanna Smell my Girl Hair” and it sold like 8 trillion copies because it was really catchy and he had that video where Hugh Jackman would smell his girl hair for, like three minutes and nineteen seconds or however long that classic Australian song was.
Tom: I feel like that was just a really long statement without saying Gemma Lee’s name.
Maddison: I was trying to make you wait to hear it.
Tom: You were inspired by Gemma Lee’s new video, right?
Tom: Well you’re not Gemma Lee, you’re just some wannabe from Australian Billboard.
Maddison:* Noise of a gun cocking and being inserted in her mouth. *
Tom: Maddison, I’m sorry that was harsh to remind you of these facts, I’m sure most wannabes find this topic to be sensitive.
Maddison: (Holding back tears) Okay, as I was saying, Gemma Lee and the Wannabes new single has already sold more copies than Keith Urban.
Tom: More copies than the Keith Urban song, ‘Wanna Smell my Girl Hair?’
Maddison: No, Gemma Lee and the Wannabes have sold more copies than EVERY Keith Urban song.
As evidenced by the Billboard figures and our interview with Maddison, Gemma Lee and the Wannabes are taking over Australia, so it’s only a matter of time before the record blows up over here in New Jersey. The last music video featured on HBGWHEMTV was Shanon Leto’s Hurricane and now, due to HBGWHEM’s exposure, it’s widely considered the best video of the year according to all those bullshit end of the year lists that every blog does because it’s no work and everyone will comment in the bottom section and you’ll get a million hits for doing nothing. You want to know HGBWHEM’s top 10 videos of the year
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Shanon Leto and the Leto’s – Hurricane
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us.
Keith Urban – Wanna Smell My Girl Hair?
Yess. Now that I have a year end top 10 and HBGWHEM19 was my post popular article of the year, I can effectively say, “LATER SLUTSSS I’LL BE HERE COLLECTING HITS ON MY BLOG. MIGHT ADD A GOOGLE THING THAT PUTS REALLY ANNOYING ADS EVERYWHERE TO MAKE TONS OF MONEY. Until then, stay hot, go blonde and panda your eyes.
Turns out it wasn’t Miley’s best friend Leslie doing the filming on that video that I tried to post in 20.1, but couldn’t figure out how to embed the code.
IT WAS THE STUNNING ANNA OLIVER.
This was like the exact opposite of that time I met that really nice girl at a bar in the city and then later I started to notice that she was pretty tall and then later later I noticed she had a 5’oclock shadow and I was like WAIITTTT I think I’ve misjudged this person. Anna Oliver entering my life was like a reverse trannying. It was that powerful.
ANNA OLIVER IS A HBGWHEM.
Please accept my apology.
Have you ever made a bad choice? Have you ever jumped to a conclusion? Have you ever accidentally called someone rank-ass Leslie when she was actually a beautiful pale flower of perfection? Have you ever filmed-your super famous best friend doing something that could damage her career and taint her image in the public eye? Getting back on track, what I am trying to say is, we all make mistakes. You seem to be caring and forgiveful. Is forgiveful a word? Probably not, unless someone is describing you, Anna Oliver.
I’M SORRY ANNA. I have to admit, I didn’t know you were a person until I read about you on Gawker this morning.
Now I am doing my best to right my wrongs!
Oh, Anna Oliver, your twitter profile is suspended! I hope that I did not cause this to happen with my careless exposee piece from a couple days ago. How dare twitter? Your words should be projected to everyone. Maybe HBGWHEM will rent a building in NYC and not a shitty one on the triple digit streets, but instead a building in a nice place, and on the side of that building, we will project your words. We just won’t project the ones about “Documenting the shit out of this” because that’s not the focus here! Twitter might have silenced you, but Anna Oliver, we at HBGWHEM will give you a voice.
People are judging you. They are being mean. They are being me from back when I thought you were that dumb bitch Leslie and I didn’t realize that you do your makeup so good.
Since everyone is saying mean things, here are some things I love about you…
So, members of the HBGWHEM community, may this be a lesson to us all.
Do not judge a voice on a video until you are 100% sure she is some wack ass brunette girl and not a HBGWHEM.
Until next time, stay hot, go blonde and fix your eye makeup.
HBGWHEM 20.1 Smoke Salvia and Become a Better HBGWHEM
OH NO OH NO MILEY DID DRUGS WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I PROCESS THIS INFORMATION IN MY FRAGILE MIND???
I’ve never done Salvia before and I don’t know what Salvia does to you beyond making you feel like you see Liam Hemsworth, but do it in copious amounts of it if you ever want to be a HBGWHEM.
Look at what it’s done to HBGWHEM 20 Miley Cyrus.
BEFORE SALVIA (Taken from JustJared Nov 12th)
She’s all, “I feel sick and I’m sad that I don’t see my boyfriend anymore, I wish there was something that I could inhale to fix these problems.”
Then her best friend Leslie is like, “HEY IT WAS JUST MY BIRTHDAY AND MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME A (BAG?) OF SALVIA AND A VIDEOCAMERA! WE SHOULD USE THEM, ONE AFTER ANOTHER OR MAYBE POSSIBLY TOGETHER AND IT WILL HELP YOUR CLOTHES AND YOUR FEVER AND YOUR ACHY BREAKY HEART AND WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO LOSE THIS CREEPY BUSINESSMAN WHO IS LOOKING AT OUR BUTTS AND MAKING THAT WEIRD MOANY NOISE.”
So Miley was like, “Okay, fuck it, I feel like shit and I love videocameras and drugs that have a pretty solid underground following.”
So this happened:
Okay. It took way too long for me to find the video code for the Miley Cyrus video on the TMZ website so here is a dramatic reinactment of what happened.
The video is crappy and dark Miley has her top on *sadface* and she is chilling with a bunch of people who don’t have faces, they just have circleheads. They might be Aliens or maybe they are CGI. This might be a clip from a movie. One of the circleheads puts on a Bush song which might mean the Miley movie takes place in a post apocolyptic world where all music has been destroyed besides one Bush CD so they have to make due. Miley is holding a bong that someone has already chalked up and one of the circlefaces lites it and they are like, “Okay clear it,” but Miley really just puts her mouth on the bong and then moves it away so they are like, “Again!” and this time she gets a little smoke on the inhale. The circle faces are like, “Hold it in,” so Miley immediately blows it out. Then Leslie is like, “Hey, you should lay down for a bit and talk about this because I’m going to sell this video to TMZ so I can purchase an expensive purse with the money I recieve from them in exchange for this video.” Miley is like, “Worddd. I’m having a bad trip,” and then the guy next to her is immediately like, “NOOOOOO,” maybe because he worked really hard on the trip he planned for Miley and she was just confirming his suspecions that if Miley can’t be tamed then she certainly can’t be entertained by Bush records and inadiquate floor lamp light. Miley gets up off the sofa, maybe because she felt awkward about the trip comment and she’s like, “Is that fucking Liam Hemsworth?” because I’ve researched salvia and seeing Liam is how you know it’s working. She has a conversation with herself to affirm the possible Liam sighting and it goes, “Is that Liam Hemsworth? Is that the star of the popular tween film about my, I mean, the character Ronnie’s father getting cancer? Oh no! I just gave away the end to The Last Song! The dad has cancer! Yeah. I know. Right? Isn’t that the exact same plot as ‘Life As a House’? Who cares about Life as a House though, that didn’t have as good of actors as The Last Song and the main boy who played the character of the rebellious tween ended up ruining all the Star Wars movies. The only thing Last Song ruined was Greg Kinnear’s career, John Travolta’s beard’s career and Liam Hems- HEY that guy looks just like Liam Hemsworth!” No one seems to react to this. The circle face who planned the trip offers Miley some Frosted Flakes in the hope that it will salvage the bad trip. She seems to decline them. Leslie tells Miley to discuss how she feels on Salvia because Leslie wasn’t able to smoke it since her camera work is already shit and if she got high it would be even worse. Miley growls at a boy, then says, “J/K”, then I think she auctions something off.
Welp, sorry I couldn’t post the whole video, but I couldn’t figure out how to link it so if you go to the TMZ site, you can find it.
Today was the first time that Miley was seen publically since we went on a “Hemsworth” as they call it (Slyvia slang is going to be all the rage)
AFTER SALVIA (Taken from TMZ from today (12/12)
As you can see Miley looks fantastic! There is a clear correlation between her Salvia use and her hotness. You’re a gross brunette and your parents won’t let you dye your hair? The answer to your problem is simple! Smoke Salvia! Do you dress like a dumpy Vanessa Hudgens, but you don’t have money for new clothes? Buy some Salvia and smoke it, your black sweatpants will turn into whatever good pants Miley is probably wearing in this pic!
If you’re smart, you will say, “Yes” to Salvia, “No” to Frosted Flakes.
*And yes, I did see The Last Song since HBGWHEM 20.0. I gotta say, it’s not that bad. I even cried. Miley fights a racoon, gives Greg Kinnear cancer and the entire movie she sees Liam Hemsworth which leads me to believe it’s the best drug film since Fear and Loathing.
Until next time, bleach your hair, fix your makeup and smoke Salvia.
(EDITORS NOTE: The use of “brunette” in this blog does not purtain to HBGWHEM 19.0 or any of my lovely brunette followers. You all get more beautiful each day, it truly astounds me.)
There was once a blogging platform called tumblr, created by (probably someone Asian or Indian) and this blogging platform was considered to be the best (better than blogspot, way better than xanga, extra better than a geocities account that you made a html page, then just decided it was your blog even though it didn’t even have basic blogging features like tagging). Everything on tumblr was happy and Harry Potter and Mean Girls lived in perfect harmony.
Then the brunettes learned about it.
At, like, maybe it was the morning or maybe it was the evening yesterday, but whatever the time it was, I wanted to see some kittens and pictures of blonde people doing nice stuff like drinking coffee or smoking a cigarette or maybe tugging their t-shirt up a little bit so you could see their ribs or something perfect like that.
Instead I got a message that was all, “WE MISPLACED OUR DATA PACKETS THINGYS AND WE CAN’T FIND THEM AND BUT WE’LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE”. As soon as I saw this, I knew what was up. Brunettes found out about tumblr and destroyed it like they have destroyed things in the past. Here is a quick review of things brunettes have ruined:
1700s? Ceaser - Rome
1990 - Sofia Coppola - Godfather Part III
1999 - JC Chasez - N’SYNC
2003 - G.W. Bush - America
2009 - A bunch of brunette porn sluts - Tiger Wood’s Marriage
20010 - Anon Brunettes - Tumblr
How did the brunettes knock out tumblr for all of 2010 (okay, maybe it wasn’t all of 2010, but I’m rounding up)?
They messed with the database clusters.
“What does that mean?” I had one of my blonde friends ask me and I was like “Exactly! Exactly! You and I mind our own business! We just relax on tumblr, think about how attractive we are, tumblr some pictures of Anna Selezneva and then maybe click the lil heart on someone’s post because it sounds like they might try to hang themselves with their thong and we’d really miss their tumblr posts if they were gone.”
Do the brunettes use tumblr like this?
They violate databases. They misplace clusters. They put up vague messages like, “Oh, back in a flash!” and then they don’t come back for like 29 hours. You know how in the movies, when the girl wakes up after crazy sex, she looks over and the guy is gone and she makes that face like, “Oh no, used like a bus station skank again,” but then she sees a note that says something like “Out of coffee, back in a couple,” and she waits and like a scene later, he’s back with coffee. Imagine if he left the “back in a couple” note and then was gone for 29 hours! Imagine if during that 29 hours, the girl couldn’t look at kittens or mittens or even pictures of Abbey Lee, unless she google imaged them, but have you been to google images lately? It’s a MESS. I bet a brunette is in charge of the database clusters there.
Let’s look at the positives now though. Tumblr is back. The database is re-clustered and once again I get to come here and I can see everything that inspires all of you.
I missed you, people I follow and followers.
If the brunettes attack again, remember, stay hot, stay blonde and redo your makeup in the ladies room to make sure it’s perfect.
Kanye West made a video for his critically acclaimed album “My Dark and Twisted Fantasy and There Might Be Another Part of the Title That Tom Forgot But The Internet Is Really Bad At His Parents House So He Can’t Google It Without It Taking Forever and He Already Has That Video of Those Kitties Getting In a Fight to Orchestral Music Loading in a Different Tab and He Doesn’t Want to Accidentally Close It.” The album is widely regarded as the “Years Best” except for here at HBGWHEM, where last week we picked Miley’s album as the album to purchase (if you only have $9.99 to spend for your entire year on music). Please don’t steal Miley’s album. Brett Michaels already stole her mommy so she doesn’t need any more thievery going on in her life.
The Kanye video (HBGWHEM 17.0) was really long and now I guess that is the standard for videos (30+ minutes) or your album won’t be critically acclaimed. The Paramore inspired rock band, 30 Seconds to Mars took note of this with their new video. They realized that being a female fronted bad was hard enough, they didn’t want to make things even worse for them by putting out a video that’s only like 7 minutes because everyone would collectively agree that they aren’t dedicated to their craft.
Enter “Hurricane”, a 13 minute video, mainly starring Shannon Leto who is the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars. I will warn you she is topless for a good deal of this video. Please do not watch this video before work or if you are holding a baby or if you are at work, holding a baby and your dad was killed during a bondage accident and you’re still a little sad about it.
The video for Hurricane starts with a sub heading that says, “This is Not Reality” and it’s probably there because there is one part where Shannon Leto gets hit in the chest with a sledgehammer and I doubt anyone would want to do that in reality to her. I’m getting ahead and that was a minor spoiler alert so I’ll go in order.
Chapter One: Birth begins the video and it’s a really rainy day in Manhattan. At first I was worried that Shannon Leto was going to be knocked up because of the chapter name, but when they show her, she’s fine. She’s laying in bed, TOPLESS and her blonde mullet is growing out so you can see her roots. She has a pet mouse that is white. There is a knock at the door and the mouse looks scared so he runs in place and then randomly someone from the Matrix gets whipped in the potty. It cuts back to Shannon and she gets the door and sees a bunch of pictures on the ground. Everyone knows about Shannon’s ego so she squats down to pick up the pictures and it’s just a bunch of snapshots of her topless in bed and they seem to make her pretty horny. This is a good time to say that Shannon Leto doesn’t look very sexy topless, she has the body of p!nk. A guy wearing a gimp mask appears in the hallway and he’s holding a sledgehammer and Shannon Leto looks pretty pissed like, “Come on dude, I called Hotel maintenance like 3hrs ago so that you could sledgehammer down my wall and open things up a bit with some natural light. Do you realize I’ve been in here taking pics of myself while I pretended to sleep for like 2 hours straight?” Shannon doesn’t seem up to this conversation at all, I guess the moment had passed for when Shannon was in the mood to remodel so she holds the doors shut and is like “I don’t want to take down the wall anymore. I had second thoughts! I moved a floor lamp in here and now everything is fine.” Then she jumps out the window, slowly.
When Shannon Leto lands on the ground, she is still topless and she’s like “Oopsies, someone is making a lot of Nip Slip blogs tomorrow” and then they cut to something that is censored so I’m going to assume that it’s a picture of Shannon’s vagina. She really seems to be letting loose on this video because she couldn’t afford a giant paper mache head of MJ like Kanye’s budget allowed.
Next we get a bunch of scenes with (who cares) and (who cares) as they ride a motorcycle and take the path train. (who cares) crashes his motorcycle and I guess the lady he borrowed it from got super mad so she stabs him and he’s like “I don’t think so bitch” and he pulls the knife out of his tummy and tosses it really slowly in the air, but we don’t see where it lands so I’m gonna assume that the lady got out of the way because, seriously, the knife was flying in the air for like 27+ seconds and she could have easily moved out of the way.
To break things up, Shannon Leto meets her GF and they have kinky lesbo sex.
Meanwhile (who cares) got super drunk in NYC and he can’t find his way home because the trains are all expresses and he needs local. Some guy brings a lady who is dressed like a black bunny out of the subway. She seems to be on a really bad first date. Both of them are like “eharmony couldn’t have been more wrong about you. This sucks.” (who cares) punches the dude on the bad date and he’s like “Okay, offically worst date ever.” and (who cares) gets the bunny girl and she kisses him a key and he’s like “Nice, awesome or whatever, but I could really use your metrocard more than this key so could you kiss me a metrocard in a suck and blow type way?”
She doesn’t kiss (who cares) a metrocard. Sucks, right?
Then there is a misplaced unnecessary religious scene just to remind you that Shanon Leto thinks she’s god.
Shannon Leto has more lesbosex and she stares at the camera a lot, probably because she can see her reflection in the viewfinder thingy.
After boning, Shannon Leto shows up, still topless to some sort of statement, probably on the war, where there are a bunch of coffins with flags on them. Shannon seems to be looking to see if she can make a shirt out of the flags bc she is nipping pretty major and then this is the part where she gets hit with a sledgehammer and she lands in one of the coffins, very slowly.
A french lady says something while twins in pasties do aerobics. I don’t speak french, but I think it translates to “Shannon Leto can’t find a shirt and now she’s gonna have a wicked bad bruise from that sledgehammer”. They added this part probably because the video is too complicated for the French and they need help understanding it.
Suddenly (who cares) is feeling better after being stabbed so he goes to the park, probably looking for a “gay tryst”, but he only finds a lady and she gives him a handy and he ejacs a key and then fights some guys who are dressed like animals.
We’re back at Shannon and she’s still topless, still in the coffin and she turns her lighter on and is like “Oh, not cool.” but then she sees she doesn’t have a bruise so she’s pretty happy about that and she peaces from the coffin.
Then some asians have sex.
(Who cares) finds a book and he uses his key to open it. There is a piece of paper in the book. On the piece of paper, it says, “You’re GAY. Lol.” and he’s all like “Efff you guys.” I think this part was meant to be comic relief after the graphic Asian sex where the one girl touches the other girls butthole.
(Who cares) has left the park and he finds a piece of modern art and he looks at it with a mean expression and it’s obvious he loves motorcycles and handjobs in the park, but HATES modern art. He seems like a pretty regular guy.
Then some lesbo does a dance with feathers, probably because the Kanye video had feathers too and so now that’s what you need to do for a good album. She has dark hair and it’s short. Ga Ross.
Then we get to Chapter 3: Death. I’m not sure when chapter 2 started or what it was called, but it was probably like Chapter 2: The Tween Years.
Shannon Leto finds a bunch of lil kids doing graffiti like little badasses. She’s okay with it. She cuts off her blonde hairrrrrr!! Then has some more lesbian sex. Then one of the (who cares) brothers dies in a club. No one seems to care.
A guy shaves off his eyebrows, Terry Richardson shows up and he’s all, “If Shannon is off getting sledgehammered somewhere, I’m not waiting around, I have NYC storefronts to photograph for my tumblr.” and (who cares) is like, “No worries, she will be here. Btw, that pic you took of that guy peeing in his own mouth is rockin’, Shannon really feels like that picture defines her as a person.”
Then the video ends with a bunch of outtakes and footages they couldn’t put anywhere else.
In conclusion, 30 Seconds to Mars have finally proved that they are the best female fronted band in rock music today and all it took was 13 minutes of bondage and lesbosex
Oh. Nothing except the most important birthday in the history of 2010 birthdays, besides, like Lindsay’s and BritBrit’s and Scarjo’s and… okay, whatever, maybe not the most important birthday, but it will be the most celebrated.
B/C THERE’S A PARTY IN THE USA AND IT’S MILEY’S BDAY PARTY.
Just in case you had super strict parents who were like, “No, you’re going to live in the basement and we’re going to keep you away from all really awesome things, until, like, at least November 23rd” and you don’t know who Miley is, here’s a quick rundown.
Miley has released the best album of 2010.
My favorite song off the album is “Who Owns My Heart” or at least that’s what I think the name is. Whatever, it’s on my ipod and I know ALL the lyrics. At the part where Miley asks, “Who owns my heart, is it love or is it art,” I’m always like, “It’s youuuuu Miley! You own my heart!” but she was 17 before, like, 22 minutes ago so I would have to say it under my breath or roll the windows up in my car so people didn’t call me a creep.
Miley also released some piece of shit movie called, “The Last Song.”
I’m not sure what happens in this movie, but it looks like she probably falls in love with a soldier and he goes off to fight, like, Islam or one of those countries that always seem to be in trouble like both of those Koreas. I bet her dad is probably an alcoholic. Not the super creeper kind, just the kind that won’t get a job or take Miley to the mall. Maybe, um, Miley writes a song for her boy who is fighting whichever side of Korea we don’t like and then he listens to it, but then chokes on some bad Chinese food and dies. Miley will learn that the people she loves will eventually die, but she’s strong and she can continue on and still be awesome and alive. This will make it a lot easier when her alcoholic dad dies because the soldier boy was way better than his lazy drunk ass.
Miley, most importantly stars in the movie / TV show Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana is the single most important TV character in the history of the world. Even more important than Ryan Seacrest.
Hannah Montana teaches girls that you will never be famous unless you are a blonde girl with good makeup and heels.
Before Miley created Hannah, young females had no one that they could relate to and then they found the Hannah Montana show and brown haired Miley looked just like them. On Hannah Montana, the brown haired Miley is an illillerate hillybilly who lives with her crappy dad (Miley’s real life crappy dad) and one day she’s like, “FUUUUU no one is ever going to love me are they?” then her best friend Lesley was like, “You need a blonde weave, bitch, then you would be fly.” Lesley is very forward, but she also looks out for Miley and she’s like “Back up cunt, stop being mean to Miley, she’s just being Miley,” if people do something mean like say that Miley isn’t the best girl ever.
Here, lets expiment with the Miley/Hannah Montana logic.
BLONDE = AWARDS NOT BLONDE = NEEDS IMPLANTS
BLONDE = SUPER FAMOUS NOT BLONDE = WHO IS THIS GIRL WITH A BIG HEAD?
As you can see, Miley is ALWAYS right, about everything. Even if she said something that you knew was untrue, like if she said, “Daddy is getting me a T-rex for my 18th B-day, y’all!” you would be like, “I dunno, Miley. I think T Rex’s died back in the Ben Franklin times,” but then BAM Miley shows up to her party on a T. Rex.
I'm so honored to be followed by you, so I have to tell you the truth: I'm pretty hot but not blonde, and I don't wear heavy eye makeup. I actually have dark hair, dark skin, dark eye color.No. I'm more like a zebra: no part of my body have the same color, and in summer my fuzzy hair are turning a little red. Wanna more ? My lashes are soooooooo long that just fall into my eyes so I can see nothing ! And mascara make me gain so much lshes weight that it happens even more ! So I would love you to give me a piece of advice about bet mascara to buy, as a heavy eye makeup wearer =) Enjoy your day my dear !
I’m glad you asked this question and I love your tumblr.
For people who are reading this and haven’t checked out Palingenesies , I suggest you do. She posts lots of HBGWHEMs and what makes her tumblr extra good is she puts a quote under the pics so you not only get a pretty Gemma Ward picture, but you also get a pretty quote. I might end up learning French just to figure out some of the quotes.
Are there a lot of HBGWHEMs in France? Someone get back to me on that and that will be the deciding factor on if I will be spending the next year learning French or if I’ll just use google translator and spend all my would be French learning time watching reruns of One Tree Hill (the HBGWHEM Peyton Sawyer years obvi).
It’s okay that you aren’t blonde, I don’t think many of the people who read HBGWHEM are. I know that livingofffashion is going blonde, Gemma Lee is an honorary HBGWHEM and I think the only actual blonde follower I have is Whiteafro . She is superrrr blonde, it’s fantastic. So don’t feel bad that you aren’t blonde, most of the girls aren’t. Although I do feel it is my purpose in life to change as many girls blonde as possible, then promptly outfit them with the best, heaviest makeup, so now comes your question.
Since you have been genetically blessed with long heavy eyelashes, you can bypass anything that says, “Volum Express” or anything with “Extend” somehow shoehorned in to the name.
Since I’m a guy (an incredible looking, rockstar skinny guy, but a guy nonetheless) I occasionally get away with wearing a bit of mascara, if the situation permits. I’m not wearing it to “the football game” or whatever thing I’m being dragged to that “real boys” enjoy, but if I’m going out drinking in NYC, I’ll usually put on a small amount of mascara. I have long lashes too and the best mascara I found for that Maybelline Unstoppable Mascara which is about $8 at the Walgreens/Deane Reade or whatever they have named the drugstore by you.
Let me tell you, it’s fucking unstoppable.
Unless, like, you meet someone with a wash cloth, then, yeah, it’s gonna be stopped and you’ll totally have to redo your makeup, but if you’re hanging out with some asshole with a wash cloth that is wiping off everyone’s makeup, I would suggest that instead of reapplying it, you put on sunglasses and leave the wash cloth man’s general area.
The brush on the Unstoppable mascara isn’t very thick and the bristles aren’t very long, but for some reason I like that, it works better with my eyelashes. It sounds like a lot of your problem is coming from the way you put your mascara on. Before I start curling the lashes, I always press the brush at the root of my eyelash and I hold it to make sure there’s a lot of mascara at the base there. That will help with the lashes keeping your eyelashes from getting in your eyes because if you curve up from the base, the lashes should be curling in different directions and you won’t get that yucky stuck together feeling.
I’m sure there are better mascaras, but they usually kick me out of Sephoria because they think I am some creep trying to pick up girls. Which isn’t totally wrong so I don’t argue, but it also makes it so I’m left with drug store brands. I don’t think I could ever spend more than $10 on mascara anyway because after like 4 months it’s just a black stick covered in shit you really shouldn’t be putting close to your eyes so I throw it away then.
I’m sure the girls that read this blog are wayyy more qualified to answer this question so if you have an answer for palingenesies you should let her know!
YOU ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS
...oh and i'm going blonde in your honor. no not really in your honor at all...
I just said that to make you feel nice. Did it work bro?
I ran the gambit of emotions during this. I felt nice in the beginning, but also a little assaulted by the CAPS. I imagined the sentence without caps and it didn’t really do justice for how hilarious I am so I ended up feeling good about the beginning of the message.
Then I felt nice because you were going to go blonde in my honor, but, as soon as I started feeling good, I was immediately brought back down to earth when you redacted your statement. You didn’t use caps to take the statement back so at least that made me feel better and it was less of a cyber bullying moment. If you did use CAPS, I probably would have fallen into some awful introspective shame spiral that would only end in me being overly emotional during tonight’s Gossip Girl and then if Serena doesn’t pick Humphrey as her bf tonight, I probably would have closed myself off from the world, I’d become a hoarder and keep all my Diet Coke cans in a massive pile by my futon, my tumblr would fall into general disarray and my life would bottom out.
Then, in the last sentence, I started feeling good again, like your intentions were honest and I was hopeful for your hair coloring, hopeful for Humphrey, hopeful for the future.
I was sitting in my apartment earlier today and a very good idea came to me.
It was the oddest thing, nothing assisted me in the creation of this idea, it was a completely organic experience. The thought I had was: Tom, you run the best blog in the history of tumblr (as voted by every human in the history of tumblr- which is like, i’m pretty sure only like 6 months because I didn’t hear about it until then).
What was I saying? Oh, yeah.
There was another point to this post though…
Oh, yeah. I had a genius idea all by myself with the help of no outside forces and or Ask boxes. My idea was: Tom, you run the best blog in the history of tumblr, but there are pretty girls on tumblr and if you talk about them, then maybe you can stay over at their parent’s houses when Lara Stone gets you kicked out of your family and then you can get a brand new family (sort of like what Miley will probably do in a couple of months).
Since I wish at least 5 times a day that I could use the excuse, “I’m just bein’ Miley” in casual conversation, I have decided to feature a tumblr account that I fancy in hopes that someday it will bring me closer to/ closer to being/ Miley. The first HBGWHEMTUMBLRWTFLOL is this girl’s tumblr right here: http://gemmaleee.tumblr.com/
According to her tumblr, she also likes Miley, which is good because if I’m just bein Miley, I don’t want Gemma to be like, “WTF you are always just being Miley and it was fine for a while, but it’s getting really old, really quick. I’m sick of you st-st-stuttering when I ask you what you’re thinking ‘bout, it makes for an annoying fucking conversation.”
According to Gemma Lee’s tumblr, she likes HBGWHEM1.0 Lindsay Lo. This is essential, although not that hard to find in TUMBLRGRRLS because all of them love Mean Girls. The good thing about Gemma’s tumblr is that we get all sorts of amazing Lindsay pics where she isn’t in flannel and there aren’t subtitles under the pic from the only movie that that rest of tumblr will admit Lindsay made.
As an added bonus, Gemma posted from the Lilo with Terry shoot that I have on the front of my myspace where this blog was created so that’s a damn good reason to pick her for HBGWHEMTUMBLRWTFLOL.
According to her tumblr, Gemma has the same first name as the untouchable Gemma Ward. Assuming Gemma Lee is a real name (probably not, too good to be true) she possesses the same name as Gemma Ward. Here’s a bunch of pictures of Gemma Ward, because, why not:
According to me being up at, like 3am one day and talking to Gemma on twitter, she likes horror movies and Gilmore Girls. Sometimes you get a girl who likes horror movies and sometimes you get a girl who likes Gilmore Girls, but you hardly ever get them together. This sums up Gemma’s tumblr pretty well, it’s like Rory Gilmore being chased by Leatherface. And I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.
According to her tumblr, Gemma Lee comes from the same continent as the perfect Gemma Ward. Assuming that Gemma is actually from Australia (of course she is, why would anyone lie about that when they could pick London or some place really cool) then she is from the same continent as Gemma Ward. Here are some more pictures of Gemma Ward, because, why not:
According to the pics on her tumblr, Gemma is pretty and dresses in cute outfits. Here these pics explain it better than I can.
and she buys cute stuff and then posts about it:
According to her tumblr, she likes oasis.
and everyone knows there are two types of people in this world, the type of people who like oasis and then there are retards. Seriously, if you don’t like Oasis, you have no soul. Or maybe you do have a soul, but it’s shitty.
She lives somewhere in Australia and the only thing I know about Australia is stuff from Mad Max and that movie with Nicole Kidman and Wolverine called “Australia”. Based on the information from those movies, Gemma is either living in a post apocalyptic nightmare where there is no gasoline or she’s living in, like 1960 and she’s helping out slaves escape poachers or whatever the plot of the “Australia” movie was.
I haven’t been able to find other bad things and I might be wrong about the Australia stuff, but I feel like if Nicole Kidman is actually from there, she wouldn’t have put out of a pile of shit movie like Australia unless it actually was like Australia and therefore I have to assume that the only export of Australia worth discussing is pretty girls. Luckily, Gemma Lee is a pretty girl with a pretty tumblr so she will definitely be okay in life. You should follow her.
EDITORS NOTE: I know that there is one main concern with this feature, but loF
yuo should do like a regular post where you feature a tumblr you really like
this is a good idea.
i’m going to do this for my next post, but i’m going to make my next post really long so no one will ever know that you asked this question because no one ever reads my full blog posts, they only really look at the pics, then click away to go read pornography. that, combined with the fact that you chose to be anon instead of exposing your true identity will forever banish all your legal rights to sue me when HBGWHEMTUMBLRWTFLOL becomes the most popular blog feature in the history of blogging.
Girls with small boobs, of course. The fashion choices for HBGWHEMs with small boobs are endless. The fashion choices for HBGWHEMs with big boobs are limited. It’s sort of like if you were packing a suitcase. You’re trying to bring all your clothes on vacation, but then you have to also cram in two kickballs. Sure, you might be able to get it all in there and everything zipped up, but your going to end up with something that looks like a monster.
You know how you always see the other part of your family at a holiday? Not the family with your dad’s last name or your moms last name, but those people with other last names that are outsiders but have somehow gained entry to your holiday by some sort of loophole in relatedness?
Well one of the families that shows up at the Thanksgiving my family has every year happens to have the last name “Stone”. Now Lara Stone has never showed up to Thanksgiving, that much I’m sure, but with Thanksgiving coming up I was like ‘Oh no, Tom! What if you do make Lara Stone a HBGWHEM feature and then she shows up to Thanksgiving dinner and it’s super awkward because she has a google alert on her name and she read your blog and then looked at your myspace in the “me” link on your tumblr and now she knows that she’s a hbgwhem, but she’s also your cousin.
I told myself Lara Stone will never be a HBGWHEM because there is such a potential for disaster and I don’t want my life ruined by all these confusing thoughts that will turn me into some crazy person that commits awful crimes and gets some name from the media like The Model Monster or something. I’m sure they would come up with something catchier than that, but I’m not writing a Lifetime movie here, I’m trying to say that I finally decided that Lara Stone could not ever be a HBGWHEM. Then i saw the new Prada Infusion D’iris campaign.
And i was like “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat”. Do you believe that picture? Can you comprehend what you see there? Look at it again.
I was going to edit “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat,” over the picture when I showed it a second time, but I couldn’t destroy the perfection of the photograph and the a’s would have gone off the edge of the pic.
Your HBGWHEM 18.0 is Lara Stone. Possibly my cousin.
So let’s say she is my cousin. Would I still…? Let’s think about it. We’re all technically cousins, right? As i understand it, things went.,.. cells->fish->umm probably like okay I don’t know what goes here->monkeys (chimpanzees?apes?)->people. So lets say that everyone started as that pack of cells. we were all at least cousins then.
Yeah. I just put a Lara Stone picture in there to distract you and now you don’t even know if I made a point because you’re so disoriented by Lara Stone’s hotness. … So, like I proved before that last picture, the wedding between Lara Stone and I will have no ick factor whatsoever.
Yeah. I just added another picture there. I don’t even need to write anything between the pictures. You don’t care. You just want more pics. Watch.
Now I can say anything here… I think Tom Ford’s “A Single Man” is one of the most captivating movies of 2010. I’m not sure if mainstream America didn’t embrace it because of it’s homosexual themes or because it didn’t have a traditional three act structure.
In the end of “A Single Man”, Colin Firth dies. He has a heart attack
You will someday watch “A Single Man” and you won’t know he dies, even though you read this blog posting.
This was supposed to be another “go directly to jail” post.
It was supposed to be a return to the other HBGWHEM posts where Lindsay was sentenced for her *perceived* criminal activity.
Rock and fucking roll. Lindsay Lo does not have to go to jail! She’s free!
Well, not super free, she still has to live in a rehab until Jan 31st 2011 and that sounds like a long way away because it has 2011 in it and that does sound really futuristic, but think about it this way, maybe in the future, in 2011, that law I’m working on about making it illegal to arrest HBGWHEM’s will finally pass in the House and then move to the Senate. I think it’s obvious that congressmen like HBGWHEMs so I think that it’s just about a fact that Lindsay will never have to go to jail again.
Sure, I’ll acknowledge that Lindsay is going undercover right now and has red hair, but she has a HBGWHEM’s heart. Not literally. It’s not, like, in a jar at her rehab place. Or maybe it is. It would be like on Vamp Diaries where Ian Sommerhalder ripped that werewolf guy’s heart out, but with blonde girls. Ian Sommerhalder could stay too though because I bet he attracts blonde girls like Lindsay attracts court dates and we’ll need to replace them if Lindsay is running off their hearts.
In other good news, someone attacked Michael Lohan last night. Now I’m not supporting violence against someone, but it’s Michael Lohan, which means that Michael Lohan attacked Michael Lohan and therefore we can have as much contempt for the victim as we do for the guy who did the cutting. But, yeah, congrats Michael Lohan for finding your inner emo kid.
Lindsay is free! Lindsay will be free forever…See you at 4.6.
Kate Moss is the prettiest human being to ever live.
I think, as human beings, we can all agree that this fact is true.
Babies and kittens and probably have secret meetings in basements and they’re like “WTF we are cuteing our balls off here and Kate Moss is just standing there and out-cuteing us by an average of 46%-77%!”
The average isn’t more accurate since babies SUCK at Excel.
You’d think that because Kate Moss is the prettiest human being alive, God would have been like, “Oh my, wow, this one is, like, unfairly pretty, I better give her the personality of Ellen Degeneres to make sure that she’s not too amazing,” but then, looking into Kate’s perfection, he couldn’t give her anything less than an amazing personality as well because Kate Moss was sent as living proof that God loves us.
Want proof? In the first of 477 blogs I’ll be writing about Kate Moss, you can listen in on a conversation she had with Piers Morgan, a man who is either the guy who runs Hell’s Kitchen or he owns one of those papers in the UK that prints celeb upskirts.
As you can see from the picture, Ashlee is overjoyed to return to her true identity. Well, besides the whole Wentz hyphen, but that can never be undone, right Laura Dern, Ben Harper, Monica from Friends, Dewey from Scream, XXXtina, and Jason Bratworst or whatever that guy’s name is.
All the greats return to their original niche. Jordan returned to basketball. Roy Jones Jr. returned to Hip Hop. LC is returning to MTV. Tila Tequila has returned to hardcore pornography. And now… Ashlee Simpson, plat blonde again.
Now I know the haircut is a little short, but, um. SHE’S PLATINIUM BLONDE WITH HEAVY EYE MAKEUP.
I can’t really express my gratitude to Ashlee. Out of all of the girls i was obsessed with in the early 2000’s, she’s been the most well behaved. I haven’t had to make excuses for her rehab trips, family channel movies, huge veneers, cocain arrests, DWI’s, sextapes, unnecessary Gossip Girl cameos or poorly conceived euro-tinged remix albums- as I’ve had to do with the rest of my 00’bsessions
We can only hope that the plat blonde will last longer than Melrose Place 2.0 and that Katie Cassidy will see her bff Ashlee (they were bff’s on Melrose 2.0, right? That whole show was really a struggle to watch. Wasn’t one of the plot points of that show that Ashlee murdered a woman in a pool?) and Katie will return to her proper hair color, plat blonde instead of the mopey Juliet brown she’s sporting this season of Gossip Girl *Editors note: I was not talking about HBGWHEM 2.0 Katie Cassidy who I referenced an unnecessary Gossip Girl cameo by one of my 00bsessions. I like Juliet and I’d like to keep her on the UES.* *Editors note:Yes, most of the reason why I want her to stay to is to see HBGWHEM 2.0 exist in the same frame as the princess of HBGWHEM Lil J.* *Side note: Lil J is single and once Juliet is done with Nate…*
Amazing Grace, how sweet the JPEG, who saved a HBGWHEM like Ashlee.
They say great things come in fours… umm…. the fantastic 4… how many Boyz ii Men members were there…probably four…. and… doubles tennis? Does that still exist? Am I thinking of pong?
Yeeeesh. Okay, no good things come in four. The Fantastic 4 is really only cool because Invisible Woman and the Human Torch, Boyz ii Men are only cool because deep voice monologist and doubles tennis probably is pong and pong is irrelevant so with the brand new installment of my Hot Blonde Girls With Heavy Eye Makeup September Issue Review, I will finally make something that has four parts that isn’t unnecessarily overblown and crowded. One could argue that the September issue itself is unnecessarily long, but they are probably also fans of that bullshit skinny guy in Boyz ii Men who couldn’t even fill out his white overalls, so forget them.
When we last left the September Issue, we were going through the Neimen ads. If you didn’t catch it, click here for the review.
Get out your September Issues at this time. They are probably heavily dog eared after four different sessions, but that’s okay. You probably already opened all the perfume samples and rubbed then on your wrists, then smelled your wrist while you watched a HBGWHEM Princess-less Gossip Girl and thought, “Why oh why don’t they make the ‘It Girl’ spinoff with a full hour of pretty little J being pretty little J?”
Alright now that you have the issue, flip about a quarter of way in (page numbers have become useless at this point. Even the second (third? fourth?) index we pass by a couple installments back didn’t have a page number). Don’t worry we’ll all end up in the same place because about ¼ of the way through the magazine, you’ll see those big ALDO letters which you now associate with JESS FUCKING STAM.
In the first STAM picture, she’s sitting on jukebox, dressed like Chloe Sevigny, which I don’t view as a bad thing, but Chloe Sevigny must be pretty pissed at STAM because it’s sort of like Chloe went to the prom in a dress she liked, then JESS FUCKING STAM showed up at her prom in the same dress and then no on really cared about how quirky Chloe was because, hello, JESS FUCKING STAM is at their prom. Everyone expected to just chill, drink a Zima and maybe slow dance to Rod Stewart, which seems more Chloe’s pace, but then STAM shows up and it’s like a mob scene and people barely even dance to the Ja Rule Feat Ashanti and Fat Joe song because they are all watching STAM be pretty.
In the second STAM picture, she is playing a tiny saxophone. Do I really think STAM can play the tiny lil saxophone? OF COURSE. I bet STAM could sell out a venue for her tiny lil saxophone recital. I’d go on Craiglist and be like, “Hey everyone, I have two tickets to see Biggie and Tupac perform together for the first time in like 11 years and I’d like to trade them for tickets to STAM’s lil saxophone recital.” and no one would answer because even the idea of a posthumous Biggie and Tupac concert can’t beat the idea of seeing JESS FUCKING STAM in real life. Plus, people are probably curious as to if a lil saxophone sounds as cute as JESS FUCKING STAM’s cute lil voice. I’d get into more detail (because you can never talk about STAM too much) but that is going to require a full HBGWHEM post to do it justice.
Now skip, skip, skip ahead and you’ll find that the third (fourth? fifth?) index has a page number! We are officially on page 212. You will know you’re there because the opposite page has the worst Calvin Klein ad I’ve ever seen. Flip past this tedious ad, skip, skip, skip and you’ll find page 226, the fourth (fifth? sixth?) index which knows it has to up it’s game because, by this point, you’ve seen like 84 index pages so this index needs to employ shock and awe just so you’ll keep paying attention. Well… index 77 doesn’t disappoint… on the surface. When you reach page 226 you are drawn to a giant red box on the bottom of the page. Inside the read box a headline reads, “Caught in the Act” and you immediately think Ohhh Juicy (Not the Juicy campaign we discussed in part II), so you look to see who was caught in the act and you see a picture of Serena Vanderwoodson and then above her head it says “Video”.
You quickly put all of this together and you think “Caught in the Act” + Serena + Video = Vogue is the greatest magazine ever and they filmed a secret sextape of Serena Vanderwoodsen for this year’s September Issue. You begin to wonder why you’ve been wasting your life, reading indexes and pondering Neiman’s when you could be watching the Serena Vanderwoodsen sex tape. Let’s just hope it was with Nate and not Lonely Boy.
Of course, you read on. Of course, you find out that they are calling Serena Vanderwoodsen, “Blake Lively” which is probably like an alternate identity that Serena has, the Johnny Storm to her Human Torch and the red box crashes and burns and it’s like, “Hey do you want to watch Serena Vanderwoodsen pretend she is a girl named Blake Lively and walk around Paris at some couture shows? What’s that? You don’t? You want to see a tape of her boning Nate Archibald. Um. Sorry to bum you out, but go to Vogue.com if you become desperate enough to watch Serena Blake-around Paris for three minutes and forty four seconds.” As we skip, skip, skip, I will say that Tommy’s new campaign isn’t half bad. I like a like of the clothes (less homie more preppy) and I’d actually wear some of that stuff, if, for no other reason, than to feel 15 again.
Finally, on page 240, we make it to the letter from the editor.
What a dumb move to put the letter from the editor after JESS FUCKING STAM appeared. I don’t want to read some stupid letter. I want MORE STAM. I want a letter from STAM. That’s what the September Issue needs to do next year. Give Anna the month off and let JESS FUCKING STAM write the letter and it doesn’t have to be about fashion or about the issue, I’d accept ANY letter from STAM. I’d read the whole thing, twice. Hell, the letter could be years old. It could be a letter she already sent. It could be anything.
Summer camp in Canada is good. I’m having a lot of fun. I shot a moose with a bow and arrow. I felt bad, but everyone complimented me on how my archery is improving. When I grow up, I’d like to be a model/Robin Hood. I think I’d be very good at that. I wouldn’t rob the rich though, because obvi I’m going to be a super rich model, hello, look at me and I don’t want to rob myself because then that would show signs of dissociative identity disorder. We learned about that problem here because my best friend, Alexa has it. Well, I guess she’s technically my best friend only like 44% of the time. You know how I like my space though, so the friendship works well. I’ve had to retrieve her half of our friendship necklace from the duck pond, tennis court, a hole near the basketball court, under a Snickers in the canteen, twice from other girl’s necks and one time there was an arrow in the target and the necklace was around the arrow.
By the time I found it and brought it back to Alexa, her personality had switched back to my BFF so she was very grateful for me retrieving our friendship necklace.
We do a lot of hiking, everyone hikes behind me for some reason.
I’ve taken up playing an instrument. I play the cute lil saxophone. I wanted to play a regular saxophone, but everyone said it wasn’t cute enough and I either had to play a tiny acoustic guitar or a tiny saxophone. Some fat girl pointed out that tiny guitars are played by Hawaiians a lot and we all agreed that I’m way better than a Hawiian so I got the tiny sax.
Hope everything is okay at home. Tell lil sis that I’m sorry she’s not me! Maybe she can, like, learn to cook lots of yummy things so she can eat away her troubles!
HBGWHEM Book of the Month Club: "Richard Yates" by Tao Lin
If you’ve been with us from the beginning, I’m sure you’re aware of a couple of obtuse Dakota Fanning references that were thrown in during my early blogs. Usually a JPEG of Madonna will come in to warn me of the civil and criminal penalties of featuring Dakota predominately on a site that extols the physically pleasing nature of an attractive blonde woman who does her makeup in an embellished manner.
Dakota has been causally referred to as the Hot Blonde Girl With Heavy Eye Makeup Which We Do Not Blog About (HBGWHEMWWDNBA for simplicities sake) and her presence has been somewhat of a ghost in the rafters of this blog.
Enter Tao Lin’s new novel, “Richard Yates”. Finally Dakota Fanning can appear on this blog without fear of a raid on my Newark shanty apartment because we are not discussing her hotness, but instead, her part in Tao’s new novel.
A friend of HBGWHEM, a young anorexic boy called Wes Branderson, gchatted me saying that no one reads my blog because “u don’t have ne bloggable memes or book reviews.”
According to Wes, the only thing that kids care about are, “Memes, buzzbands, ‘difficult’ novels, 8.2’s, AZNs and magazines that used to be magazines you could physically buy, but now are just magazines that you read on the internet”. He kindly offered to review Tao Lin’s new novel for us so what follows is Wes Branderson’s review of the HBGWHWM Book of The Month, “Richard Yates” by Tao Lin.
“2k10 has been the worst year for buzzbands since back in 1985 when the only bloggable meme/relevant MP3 was Eddie Murphy’s ‘Party All The Time’. This year, w/o the spoils of buzzbands 2 fall back on, I have suffered through countless songs abt boyfriends/wanting boyfriends/loving ur boyfriend/wishing for a boyfriend/wishing that we could pretend airplanes were like boyfriends cuz u really could use a boyfriend right now/boyfriend right now/familiar peen in ur pussie right now.
I found myself lost in an Alt desert and if you know anything abt deserts, u kno that there’s hardly ever a Whole Foods or Am Appy’s close to one so an Alt can’t survive there 4 very long. Most deserts r equipped with sub par iphone4/ipod touch/ipad/ipod mini/macbook charging stations and so ur pretty much like a better dressed Amish person if you get trapped in the desert.
Was searching 4 meaning in 2k10.
Was searching 4 memes 2harness the LOLz.
Was searching Barnes & Nobel 4 Alt QT’s with the Perfect Alternative Breasts.
Found Tao Lin’s “Richard Yates” on a shelf next 2 numerous other books that seemed 2b mostly “made-up bullshit” abt vampires touching peens 2 mouths/ peens 2 butts/ peens 2 pussiez / peens 2 peens / peens ii men; and I decided that Tao’s book would be better than the other books b/c I wasn’t sure where peens fit into the equation.
Then I looked at the cover.
Was standing near the shelf, trying to remember if Richard Yates is a relevant author.
Decided he is.
Wondered if he ever wrote a book called “Tao Lin”. Wondered how many times this book would be incorrectly filed under Richard Yates/How many royalties from the book would be sent 2 Richard Yates/How many of Richard Yates’ children would be telling him that they thought his books “sucked dick” until they read the one about Dakota Fanning.
Reading the back of the book reassured me that, yes, Tao Lin is the author of this book and it’s just called “Richard Yates”, and Richard Yates is not co-author (due 2 the fact he is prob dead)(due to the fact he’s probably an effin lamestreamer).
Remembered that Richard Yates is that bro who wrote the sequel 2 Titanic where Rose gets an abortion b/c Jack won’t take her to France and she dies and then Jack finds out that Rose drowned his other kids and then Ben Kingsley is like JK this island was all an experiment 2 remind u that u sank the Titanic. That sequel kinda harshed my chillwaves. Won’t be renting/requesting it thru an inter-library loan 4 a while.
Ended up purchasing “Ricky Yates” b/c I felt like Tao wouldn’t “play games with me,” or “add superfluous abortions to his story just 2 cap it off with a bang”.
While I was in line, some obese human was buying Harry Potter n I said, “U obese cancer, ur the reason why all the memes r dead,” but I was drowned out by a cashier who was asking her if she had a Barnes and Noble Shoppers Club Card (she did, of course, but had extreme trouble in locating it).
The book only cost me 14.9 dollars (I did not have a Barnes and Broble Shoppers Club Card so I imagine the book is even cheaper if ur a member of that cult) so the price was conducive to my ALT pockets. My father would not be alarmed by such a small purchase on his credit card so I was confident that I made the right decision and wouldn’t have 2 field an iphone4 facetime call from him asking “what the eff ru wasting my monie on now?”
Read the entire novel, which was about 208 pages and each of those pages were filled with words, not “physical .jpegs” like that Courtney Luv book I bought once. Not sure why/when books of JPEGs were considered something that u could sell, but I feel like that time is over. I got “suckered” by the C-luv book because of her perfect alt ass on the cover.
ulive+ulearn+umeme the unmemeable meme.
Newayz… Ricky Yates starts out very “good” and only gets “gooder” as the pages increase in numbers (except for it gets sad fer Dakota, kinda, but I won’t need SPOILER ALTERTS for this cuz I prob didn’t understand the ending well enuff 2 give it away). Tao chose solid numbers for each page and no decimals are used which seems like a sturdy principal, b/c lets be honest, the decimal points are fer vanity, IMO. LOL.
1 of the central characters in the book is the main actor from AI: The Allen Iverson story, directed by Steven Spielbro. This bro’s name is Haley Joel Osment. I thought the use of this bro’s middle name was “effing pretentious,” but then u learn that he was friends with Bret Easton Ellis’ kids/nephews via Brett’s memoir “Lunar Park” abt his kids/nephews and some Furby troubles B.E.E. had in the early 00’s. Bret created a strong meme vis-a-vis middle name inclusion so I “get it” now. The second central character is Dakota Fanning, who is Bella Swan’s girlfriend in the movie “The Runaways: We Will Give Handies and Play U a Tune If U Drive Us to Our Next Lady Band Gig”.
In the book, Dakota lives w/ her Mom who is very unchill and Dakota is HXC in luv with Hayley Joel, but it’s hard 4 them 2 meet IRL b/c of Dakota’s Mom, whom I referenced in the beginning of this sentence so if u forgot abt the mom, u should prob go back and start this sentence over again, but when u get back down here, don’t follow that direction again b/c I have much more things 2 say below this sentence so plz look down there now.
Good. I had faith in u.
They spend lots of time on Gchat. I liked this. Sometimes u ask ur friend 4 their email address and they say something like, “O I’m Soccerguy1983@yahoo.com,” and when they say that, u automatically think, like, “Efff this person,” but u don’t say it aloud, only in ur head, like an internal gchat with urself. If u have regular email address that doesn’t support Gchat, I feel like ur poor, except fer if u live in a different country, then u probably use MSN chat because girls from different countries on myspace always say, “I can’t use myspace at work plz contact me at my MSNchat,” and so this means that either the international workplace is very anti-gchat or maybe MSNchat is safer 4 cybering on.
I took only 1 break from reading the book and that was to make myself my meal for the day. Wanted 2 eat Spanish rice as a statement that white people aren’t racist, but didn’t have ne b/c the grocery store near my apartment is filled with spics so I shop there very quickly and often forget important items, like Spanish Rice, in the interest of not being murdered.
Since the characters in the book r vegan, I decided that my review would be better if I was vegan 2. 4 the remainder of the book, I just let my hotdogs boil in a pot and I looked @ them very condescendingly when I walked by them 2 plug in my iphone 4 or 2 make sure that my ipad wasn’t overheating from the direct sunlight cumming in my window.
While I was making my vegan baked potato, I looked in2 my bathroom from my Newark half kitchen (Chill, I have a different shitty Newark apartment than the shitty apartment rented by guy who runs this site. We aren’t fags. I’ve never even touched his dick that much) and in the bathroom, in my tub, was my cat sitting on a towel. Either the towel fell down, then cat noticed it looked like a relaxing place to chill or Tao’s book gives cats the ability 2 use their claws and the items available in your bathroom 2 make a super comfy beds.
I grabbed my potato and my Ricky Yates and went in2 the bathroom. I shook the towel aggressively until the cat ran away, then laid the towel back in the tub, then sat in the tub, on the towel and it was a terrible, non-comfy bed so I was able to dispel a rumor I had started earlier in the half kitchen.
In the book, Dakota Fanning has a cat, just like I do, but her cat sleeps in a box on the washer and mine sleeps in the tub and I guess I’ve always felt like there r 2 types of cats in this world, the type that sleep on the washer in a box and the type that sleep on a towel in the tub. I’m happy I have a tubcat b/c I think those washer cats r using the washing machine 4 sexual stimulation.
I liked that Dakota Fanning and Hayley Joel Osment were sad in the book because it made me feel less alone. If a man who is on top of the world, like HJO can’t even b happie, then how can the rest of us expect 2b? This comforted me and I felt better abt my shit life.
There sure was a lot of stealing in this book, but I feel like it’s “true 2 life” b/c remember in “The Runaways 1: On Ur Marks, Get Set… Runaway(s)” when Dakota Fanning couldn’t buy booze b/c the register girl was like “Dakota I kno u, ur 16,” and so she had to call someone on a pay phone to pick her up and they made her work in a bakery/craft store that only played bloggable Kstew MP3s from Kstew’s new band that wasn’t The Runaways? Well it’s like that in the book, except different. I really liked the part of the novel where Dakota Fanning lives in New Jersey b/c I live in New Jersey and I feel like it would be easier 2 start a relash’ with her if she doesn’t have 2 drive 2 c me (since she is 2 young 4 a learners permit) and so the fantasy part of the novel is “the notch above ‘top’.”
Got pissed abt “Price Chopper” b/c I don’t believe there r ne actually in NJ, but then again, if there were, Price Chopper would def be way more auth than Pathmark 2 shop@ so I was able 2 calm down. As I stated above, I go 2 a super alt grocery store so my choice would trump Price Chopper and this made me feel like I could “show Dakota a thing or 2”, and maybe in return, she will let me play in her Runaways band if someone catches strep throat and can’t perform.
Getting towards the end of the novel, I kinda hated HJO much more b/c he didn’t realize what he had with Dakota Fanning and poor Dakota is 16 to HJO’s 22 so he could play the upper hand with manipulative emails and forcing her 2 make lists and not John Cusack fun lists, the bad types of lists. That’s not to say that HJO wasn’t helpful to Dakota. He would always remind her to not get fat b/c every1 hates fat people via plane seats/bus seats/websites abt them in public wearing ill fitting clothes/ lap bands/ the assassination of Teddy Kennedy.
Newayz, I really liked the book and was glad I bought it the day it came out (assuming it came out on Wednesday, Sept 29th (as most books do) ). I think that “Richard Yates” is the best book about illicit sex in New Jersey since “The Autobiography of Bruce Springsteen”. Tried to check the author’s website http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ 2 c if he would autograph my Apple Kindle that I purchased the book on, but I left out a couple of the hehe’s and ended up at the site where a bro tickled party girls 4 sexual gratification and so I emailed the tickler bro 2 sign my Kindle instead. The novel is kinda repetitive in the way that Anco’s “What Would I Want (sky)” is and that song “effing amazing” so I think that after Anco started existing, repetition no longer became a bad thing. Maybe that’s why Dakota Fanning’s cat sleeps on top of the washing machine in a box, maybe she likes the repetition of the clothes spinning ‘round + ‘round (via Florida feat. Ke$ha)
Did u like Tao Lin’s book Ricardo Yates?
Do u think Tao Lin is mad that guy who runs this HBGWHEM blog steals from him so often?
Is Dakota Fanning a hero or an anti-hero or superhero or a… get this… super zero? C what I did there?
Did u think I was gonna end that previous question with Ford Ranchero?
Did ur peen get butterflies inside of it when u read abt Dakota?”
So there you have it, the first book in the HBGWHEM book of the month club is Tao Lin’s “Richard Yates” which is available for purchase here-> http://amzn.to/d8IfmJ
Post your questions, comments and concerns in the section below.
HBGWHEM 12.2 - The September Issue Part III - Neiman Marcus
THE NEVER ENDING SEPTEMBER ISSUE BLOG
They say good things come in threes- Blonde Triplets, the 80’s star war movies, death, and Carters (although I hear the Carter IV is on the way- Free Weezy. Free Lindsay. Free OJ) so I have decided to conclude HBGWHEM’s review of the September issue on the third post.
I also made this decision because you can’t even buy the September issue anymore and the October issue has Cary Mulligan on the cover so now I need to blog about her being a HBGWHEM and it’s turning into a huge Hot Blonde disaster over here.
If you’ve been with us since Part I, you already know the deal, this will be a continuation of the first two blogs, but less less funny because I’m beating a dead horse.
If you haven’t been with us since Part I, then that probably means you are one of the other 6 billion people who don’t read my blog. I’m pretty sure that we left off on the third index last post, which, yeah is only like 172 pages into a 700 page magazine, but I don’t have all the time in the world to meander through this magazine, I’m not Anne Frank.
Okay, open your Vogues to page 173 and we’ll continue with our HBGWHEM assessment of the issue. We don’t get any HBGWHEM until page 80, letting us ease into the subject, but once you get to the Neiman Marcus ad on 80, you will be like HOLY SHIT EYE MAKEUP ALL THE WAY TO THE EYEBROWS.
Neiman Marcus might have been considered as “Your Mother’s Department Store” in the past, but this ad campaign “The Art of Fashion” changes it all. This is a multi designer campaign showing everything that Neiman Marcus has, all photographed by Albert Watson.
We’ll go in chronological order, so we can view the ads as Albert Watson intended.
The Valentino spread, featuring an HBGWHEM in a lace Hannibal Lectur mask is one part hot, one part, “This chick’s makeup is so good I’d be okay with her eating my liver,” and, in the ad she’s holding onto a giant “O” which may have sexual connotations, but I’m not confident enough to make a definitive statement on that.
Lavin Paris is the next in the Neiman ad and it continues the full revitalization of the store with a HBGWHEM in a purple, feathered outfit.
Chanel’s portion of the Neimen ad brings back the “O” which I think is a brand mistep given the interlocking C logo they sport. Of the ads, the Chanel has the least HEM and therefore they put a lace mask over their model’s face. I bet Chanel feels like a bunch of rubes when they see how good Prada’s portion of the Nieman ad is. Sporting a Ceopatra eye that even Liz Taylor would gasp at Prada sends a message that, “HBGWHEM and Prada go together like Egypt and murdering your older sisters to gain a power position in a falling empire,” or at least that’s how I read into it.
Gucci probably had someone on the inside who said, you better throw some HEM on your chick otherwise you’re gonna look like douchebags, because their model sports lid to brow HEM.
On page 85 Armani continues the brow to lid tradition and they face Ralph Lauren’s portion with a HBG with no makeup at all which is nearly enough for HBGWHEM blog to demand a boycott of their stores, but it’s young in the magazine, lets see if they can right their wrongs.
Speaking of wrongs, if you turn the page, you will see Vera Wang’s ad which might as well be captioned Vera Wrong, because it fucking sucks.
Blumarine, a company I haven’t even heard of before, makes a really bold statement by putting a HBGWHEM facing Vera Wrong’s ad and I now will be looking up Blumarine, on accounts of them clearly having their shit together.
Oscar de la Renta’s Neiman portion is saved by the HBGWHEM because the coat he chose is so tacky that even the fucking psychopaths who put together the Juicy Couture ad (from Part II) would have put their foot down and they’d refuse to throw the model in it.
On the next page, Emilio Pucci seems to be so confident with having a HBGWHEM in his ad that he’s like, “We will dress her like a figure skater and a Mexican Luchalibra Wrestler!”. This ad boarders on HBGWHEM cruelty, but is still better than Vera Wrong.
St. John goes for minimal makeup very little lighting so the blonde doesn’t really stick out and then he dresses the HBGWHEM as a combination Big Bird * Ellen Degeneres and it’s a feathered, pants suited, nightmare.
Carolina Herarra has to face this disaster and I’m not sure if I really like her take or if it’s just nice to see a HBGWHEM dressed in clothes that don’t make her look like a 50 foot tall, feathered dyke.
On the next page, Akris goes with a swoosh of HEM that is almost like a sleek Nike logo. I’m a little perplexed by the totally forrest green outfit, but maybe it’s a “Go Green” themed type outfit and I support going green like this because it allows me to run my air conditioner at all hours of the day, while I repeatedly fix my hair with ozone destroying hairsprays.
Facing Akris is Burberry Prorsum’s ad and if you’ve been reading up, you know that I love Burberry, I love hot blondes with heavy eye makeup and this fall, I love girls in leather jackets and this ad has all of these things, making for a perfect end to the Neiman Marcus ad, ending on a high note and… wait… whats this? On the back of the Burberry ad is Donna Karan NY’s ad of a HBG with no lighting on her hair, effectively making it brown and she has NO MAKEUP. The Neiman ad was going amazing, a few missteps thrown in the middle, but they probably just did that to beef up the page count and then, when they leave you, they slap a non B, non HEM redition at the end. I hope the directors cut of this shoot has an alternate ending because I just got HBGWHEM blueballs.
Oh no. This has gone way too long.
Considering that Weezy is allowing for Carter IV, I think I can allow for September Issue Part IV. Until next time, stay hot, stay blonde and most importantly, don’t leave the house without eyeliner. In conclusion:
Now I know you’re thinking, “Tom, How could you so blatantly endorse a political party when you know that hot blonde girls with heavy eye makeup come from all walks of life?” and this is true, HBGWHEMs do not belong to a single political party, in the same way they don’t exclusive hail from one country. Now that I think about it, even Africa gave us Charlize Theron, and really, who saw that coming?
I understand your concerns about political affiliations and whatnot, but, come on, have you googled Meghan Mccain? She is smokin’ hot. I would still make Meghan Mccain HBGWHEM13.0 if her platform was that babies should be used as an alternate fuel source. It doesn’t matter that she has the correct opinion on stem cell research, gay rights, abortion and other important issues, what matters is her google image portfolio.
During my “researching” of Meghan I came across a youtube video of her on the view. Now, keep in mind I could only watch 34 seconds of the program before my mind shut down from a combination and pity and boredom, but Meghan was flawless when she was introduced and she managed to sit there the entire time and listen to the ladies on The View talk over each other for like 6 MINUTES. I know this because I skipped to the end and Meghan was still present. I’m not sure what Lib group forced Ms. McCain to go on The View, but I think that this torture should be illegal in America. It’s only fair we outlaw sending pretty girls on The View if we’ve outlawed waterboarding. I’m not sure if water boarding is illegal or not, I just saw it mentioned on yahoo news a lot last year so I’m gonna assume someone is making it illegal. I’m against waterboarding, unless water boarding is where you take one of those foam surfboards and try to ride waves in the ocean. If waterboarding is the poor mans surfing, then let me be the first to say, I’d like to go waterboarding with Meghan McCain. Meghan and I could relax by the beach, catch up on our reading and then enjoy a beautiful afternoon waterboarding.
While on the beach, I would read Meghan Mccain’s book which I found out was called Dirty Sexy Politics. I don’t have a copy of the book and I’ve never read anything from it, but here is a transcription of the daydream I had when I read the title; “I, Meghan Mccain, was all sweaty from hanging out at the beach with Tom. Waterboarding with him was exhilarating. I turned on CNN to stay aware of the current political situations and then I took off my bikini to get ready for my shower. I began running the water and normally I take hot bathes, but today I wanted a cold shower. I think Tom was partly to blame for this, I was so worked up, but we still had to make it through dinner so I had to be a good girl. As soon as I got under the stream of the water, my hot blonde-girl body tensed from the water, as it rolled down my porcelain skin. My unblemished body, white like the caps of the ocean while waterboarding, felt so refreshed by the shower. I began to towel off my blonde hair and then I grabbed some lotion out of my travel bag…”
As you can see from the excerpt, Meghan loves to get her pale white skin all sweaty at the beach and then take cold showers. Oh and she is into politics too because she totally turned the TV before all that other hot stuff happened. Best book ever.
Now, just because Meghan is really super smart and has a book out doesn’t mean she’s snobby like Dr. Phil or other world famous authors like Dr. Phil. Meghan keeps company with other HBGWHEMs like Heidi Montag, ex-Hills cast member and current Spencer Pratt hostage.
I have no facts to support this next statement, but I’m going to leak to the press right now that Meghan and Heidi have a new reality show that will take place completely on beaches and hot tubs in the LA area. I know it’s early, but I imagine this show might take over the collective TV conscious now that Lost is gone. It will have all the sandy beaches of Lost, but then more HBGWHEM’s in bikinis, drinking rum, waterboarding, laughing, gossiping and applying suntan lotion. I also found out that Meghan is best friends with occasional HBGHWEM and full time psychopath, Courtney Love. Don’t worry, from the parts of Meggy’s book that I’ve made up and pretended where excerpts, she has a very good head on her shoulders and she knows the difference between good and Courtney Love.
In conclusion, America is hurting right now. Not due the super awful economy or that social unrest part, but because it’s been so long since we’ve had a hot blonde girl with heavy eye makeup in the white house. The HGBWHEM the White House experienced was Marilyn Monroe and she pretty much had to be snuck in the back door or another top secret passage that they made just in case the aliens come like in independence day. Isn’t it time we had a HBGWHEM back in the white house?
For the introduction, go back to part one, I’m already screwed because no one reads a blog post that goes past 100 words or a tumblr post beyond one shitty line, usually something like, “Summer’s heat couldn’t keep the past months from feeling like winter”, which will be incessantly reblogged because the kids are hoping someone will make a note on the post explaining the meaning (presupposing it has one).
Please take out your September Issues and turn to page 76.
In the index, you will see that on page 406 “IT GIRL” Blake Lively is photographed in Paris. I know that you’re tempted to stop reading this blog completely and turn to that page, but trust me, you’re going to need a little foreplay before you get into the 400‘s. Let’s foreplay with each other.
If you skip by the gross super dark all black Donna Karan ads (Donna Karan’s view of what hell looks like? Certainly mine) you will find yourself on page 80 with a HBG in dark sunglasses. I think they are working the mystery angle. Much like how we couldn’t turn right to Blake Lively because our dicks and pussies would explode, maybe Celine believe that we can’t see this amazing HBG with HEM. My theory is further supported on 81, where the glasses are a little more translucent. So is the HBG shirt. I approve.
84- A gap ad with a gross looking brunette. The headline, “Do you believe in Magic?” It’s pretty much saying, “Brunettes are evil witches, don’t trust them, oh and skinny belts are in.”
86 says, “Black Magic,” but the magic part is white and then, on the next page is a HBG, Anna Jagjodzinska, who, even if she’s a product of an evil brunette witch, is still so amazing that I can’t say a bad thing about her. Now fold the page out. Clearly they are going left to right on the “Who can you trust” scale. The left being, “Best Friendworthy”, the right being, “Will Give You A Parking Ticket Even Though She Sees You Walking To Your Car, Girl.”
Now skip pages. Skip. Skip. Skip. You’ll probably stop at Fendi’s ad with the girl in the lace pumps. Don’t blame you, I stopped too. It’s a beautiful ad, but it’s not something we can dwell on here.
Keep skipping. Skip. Skip. Skip. Ohh Alexa Chung for Madewell. Super cute girl super cute collection, but not blonde, remember why we’re here, keep going.
Ahhh, finally a HBG in the Vogue.com ad. Because Vogue owns the magazine, they were able to put a bunch of ads for brunettes back to back to ugly brown hair draped back and then BAM. The Blondest HBG you’ve ever seen. VOGUE.COM. The image is burnt into your mind. It’s genius.
On the next page is Jullianne Moore who is not blonde, but she is nude and she’s cuddling with baby tigers, which makes this picture almost as cute as a blonde girl. BVLGARI took lemons and made lemonade. Next page, more lemonade.
Right before the next index, appears the Juicy Couture ad which seems to be taunting, “We have these HBGWHEM’s in our ad and you have brunettes. You know what, we’re so confident we’re kicking your ass when it comes to campaigns, we’re put them at an Eastery hippie circus. Yeah, we just did that. Oh that’s right, you had to stick your brunette vaguely Asian model in a dark room because if you gave her anything else, people might notice the ad and notice that you have a brunette model.” The ad continues and Juicy Couture continues it’s taunting, “Oh yeah, we’ll cover our HBG in butterflies because, guess what, she’s a HBG so they just follow her around, we have a ton of extra budget because we didn’t have buy butterflies like we would have to for a brunette.” Next page, they go all out, “Yeah we gave them a retarded juggler and we’re still better. Know what, we’ll put in a girl with black hair. Oh no. The girl with black hair needs an umbrella because the unrestrained beauty-shine coming off the HBG is burning out her eyes. Okay gave her an umbrella, look at this multicolored hippie disaster, still better than your campaign.”
Here we are at another index page. A Black haired girl is looking out the window, lonely, probably watching the HBGWHEM technicolored hippie carnival that Juicy is holding, “I wish I could be that girl who is getting her cornea’s burnt out,” she says, jealous.’
Next, skip to the Moschino ad. This seems to be a counter to the Juicy ad where they take their model and dress her up like the most redic golden pirate. PROBLEM- their model is brunette. Moschino ends up looking like shitdicks and their company will close in the next four months.
Burberry has no compassion for Moschino and takes out two pages for their Burberry Beauty Campaign where some lucky bastard is flanked by two HBGWHEM’s, one of them being Rosie Huntington-Whitley who isn’t as depressed about the Michael Bay info because she’s had time to process it since the beginning of the September Issue. Be a HBGWHEM, wear Burberry Beauty.
Page 172, more index (5th index, 7th?) and this is where I will leave you because, frankly, it’s been hard to see that many brunettes and I need to go google Taylor Momsen to remind me there’s a reason to live.
Gossip Girl season starts tonight! It’s better than all other seasons (football, baseball, tomato, etc.) besides Fall, and it takes place in Fall so the voting for best season is all effed up. It’s sort of like there would be no Gossip Girl without fall (like my fav episode Thanksgiving 1.0) (or one of my favorite scenes the ohwhatchasay Thanksgiving 2.0) and there would be no Fall without GG.
Speaking of fall, last season sure did show quiet a fall in overall quality, character development, believability, and OMFGGness, didn’t it? Well we can thank the show “Chuck” for taking the creative mind behind GG and making him so stressed out that one week they handed him an episode that revolved around Lady Gaga and he was cool with it.
HBGWHEM fun fact: the show Chuck isn’t named after it’s main character, but instead for it’s one viewer, Chuck Dixon, who currently resides in his parents basement in Northern Michigan.
I expect a rocky start to the Gossip Girl season considering their star, little j, is out for a couple weeks and Chuck Bass is injured so he won’t be 100% for a while.
However, there is a new signing to the GG team, Katie Cassidy AKA HBGWHEM 2.0 (please flip your blog-books back to HBGWHEM 2.0 if you have not read up on this beautiful creature known as Katie Cassidy.)
As the season goes on and Gossip Girl returns home to the EUS, I think things will be on track and then by week 7, we’ll have J back, chuck will be at full capacity and hopefully there will be some shots of Katie Cassidy in a bra and undies (personal request). Finally to round out Gossip Girl season, we’ll get the super bowl of couples… Nate+J for a hot Nenny celebration!
HBGWHEM HBGWHEM 12.0 Vogue- The September Issue (Part 1)
It’s September (January in August is over) so you know what that means… a 727 page Vogue. I know it can be a little threatening when that giant magazine shows up in your mailbox. I also know your heart sank when you saw that they chose Halle “One of the three black women we’re comfortable putting on the cover of Vogue” Berry. She isn’t blonde. Her makeup is kinda heavy on the cover, but that doesn’t really make up for it. I wanted to inform you, fret not HBGWHEM reader, the September issue of Vogue has much to be celebrated and it’s clear that this season (as with any other season in the history of mankind) a girl’s best friend is a bottle of bleach, some liquid eyeliner and a good pallette of eyeshadow.
The easiest way to tackle an issue of this size is to go through in chronological order and in parts. If you’re one of those people that reads a magazine back to front, then start at the bottom of this page and move up. If you’re one of those people that doesn’t read Vogue, go out and buy a copy so you can follow along at home. Or fall on scissors. Your choice.
In part 1 of “HBGWHEM 12 Vogue: The September Issue” we will go through the magazine until we reach the index.
HBGWHEM fun fact- This is my favorite part of the magazine.
HBGWHEM fun fact- Everytime I write “HBGWHEM fun fact” skip that part of the blog because it’s going to be followed by a fucking pointless statement.
Okay, get your magazine (or scissors if you choice option b) and let’s get started->
Inside cover- Starting off, behind Halle, is a HBG pressed against a shaggy model male model. The HBG is no doubt seeking protection from the blonde-less cover of the September issue. “Why isn’t there a blonde girl on the cover? Why is Halle on the cover of another magazine when all she did was break up with her really goodlooking BF? Has she been in a movie since that really bad Travolta film where she showed her boobs?” the HBG’s eyes cry out. The ad is for “Ralph Lauren Romance” a women’s fragrance. This is a wise choice by Ralph’s people because no one wants to be in a romance with a brunette and everyone wants to comfort a HBG.
Page 3 - In this Prada ad, a brunette girl has her hair done like the bride of Frankenstein. Clearly Prada agrees with me that brunettes are monsters.
Page 7 - Ralph Lauren continues his use of HBG’s and this time his model is dressed in a wonderful fall getup. It makes me want to take the model out so she can jump in leaves while wearing her RL lace up crocodile, high heeled boots. Sure she might break her ankle, but then I will buy her some Ralph Lauren Romance and I will comfort her like the model on the inside cover.
Page 11 - Gucci might be trying to pass off a brunette as a HBG by shooting her in the bright light of the desert. It almost works. Next time, just make the right decision and you won’t have to worry about your model dying of dehydration while she wears a fur in the desert and tries to look blonde.
Page 15 - Queen Madge continues to put forth a great campaign for D&G, even despite her Jonas looking model companion.
Page 18 - A HBG looks at herself in the mirror in a Fendi ad. Can you blame her?
Page 20 - A HBGWHEM pushes a chair to the window in a Fendi ad. I presume it’s so a brunette girl can easily jump out the window.
Page 24 - In this Hermes ad, a brunette looks like Jack the Ripper. Seems about right.
Page 27 - Scarlett Johansson is PERFECTION as a HBGWHEM in a leopard print blanket in the D&G ad. Even if 400,000 leopards had to be killed to make Scarjo’‘s blanket, it was still worth it.
Page 32/33 - A brunnette girl and a HBGWHEM girl pose on a rooftoop in a Chanel ad. The brunette is manish and the her fringe on her Chanel hangs off her like a piece of paper taken out of the shredder half way through. The HBGWHEM posses with her fringe under control and she works the furry boots perfectly. The theme of this shoot was obviously good (HBGWHEM) and evil (Brunette)
Page 41 - Honorary HBGWHEM Rosie Huntington-Witley continues to carry Burberry’s campaign even despite the unfortunate news she was cast in a Michael Bay movie. She is wearing black, clearly acknowledging that she is going through a dark time.
Page 42/43 - The always captivating Jurgen Teller photographs the always fantastic Frida Gustavsson and the unfortunately brunette Jac, but the brunette doesn’t stop him from creating another fantastic Marc Jacobs campaign.
Pages 44/45 - Miu Miu took my breath away with 4 shots over two pages of HBGWHEM Perfection. I felt a tear well up in my eye. Beauty at it’s finest. A quadruple rainbow.
Pages 55/57 - Michael Kors features a HBG, but in typical fashion, reigns it in and we get no HEM.
Page 61/62 - Kate’s David Yurman campaign is chilling in black and white. Featuring a beautiful chain link Yurman necklace on the Queen of HBGWHEM as she raises out of tranquil water, and a second shot of kate, all natural with Cleopatra-like jewelry, this isn’t an ad, it’s art. WORTH THE COVER PRICE ALONE.
Page 67 - The delightfully gapped HBG Georgia May Jagger goes for a little topless romp with a good-looking but unfortunately tattooed model (deftones? really? come on, bro) in a Hudson jeans ad.
Page 71 - I don’t really understand what’s going on in this Nine West ad. Did the HBG lock herself out? Can she not figure out how to get inside the store? Is there an invisible robbery taking place?
Page 72/73 - More of “What the hell?” from Nine West. I now fear that their stores are haunted.
Page 75 - A brunette in an amelia airheart cap in a Rolex ad. Hopefully the brunette will meet the same fate as ol’ Amelia and get lost.
And here we are at the Index. As you can see already, this month’s Vogue is nothing short of fantastic. You know this if you bought a copy. If you chose to fall on sisters, when your boyfriend comes, ask him to bring a copy of Vogue to the hospital for you. It’s never too late to read the September issue.
We’re having January in August. Unless you’re reading this in September. Then just pretend that August part said September. You probably read at a 4th grade level anyway so you definitely meshed the first two sentences together so we’re on the same page, I think. Since the longer it takes for me to announce who the HBGWHEM 11.0 is, the more of a chance that I’ll put this off until September and then I’ll have to rewrite my opener, I present to you HBGWHEM 11.0 January Jones.
(Image courtesy of GQ not knowing I’m using it.) I was going to wait until January Myspace Blog sweeps week to feature January Jones because that’s how we do it in the entertainment business. If you have a creative thing like “It’s January month in the month of January!” then you won’t get fired from your marketing job because you created a slogan and that’s pretty much the only part of your job. You just have to think of a sentence that isn’t like “Murder Your Children in January” and you can keep your desk and paycheck.
This month’s HBGWHEM just so happens to work at an Ad agency that sells cigarettes and girdles and other things that were roaring in the 60’s, but have lost popularity in modern times and we’ve donated all our supplies to white trash people. Now I’m not totally caught up on Mad Men, since I don’t have cable, but I’m pretty sure January’s character is still alive. I have to watch everything on DVD so I’m always behind the collective TV watching world and people give me mean looks when I ask them stuff like “Who do you think shot Mr. Burns? I think it was Smithers.” When I asked that last week, people reacted like I just asked if Dawson would get Joey in the end of Dawsons (Don’t tell me, I’m still on season 5).
January has also had her share of trouble with the public. Back in June, January was caught doing the teal cab of shame home in the same dress that she wore at the Oceana World Oceans Day Party held at West Hollywood’s Sunset Towers. Now I don’t know anything about this party, but if I was a guy and I took a girl to the Oceana World Oceans Day Party held at West Hollywood’s Sunset Towers, she would probably be bored after like ten minutes and I would have to make a small, but respectable donation to the dolphins or whatever is being saved there and then I’d have to apologize for such a boring night the entire ride home. The the girl would then lock herself in her bedroom and update her status with something passive aggressive and I’d be super bummed that I thought any girl would ever like such a stupid event.
Since January didn’t have a date at the Oceana World Oceans Day Party held at West Hollywood’s Sunset Towers, she probably had a same reaction as my fictional girlfriend above did. Because she couldn’t blame anyone for dragging her there, she had to find some guy to hook up with to make things not boring. She succeeded with making the night not boring and the paps caught a picture of her coming home in the same dress she wore to the Oceana World Oceans Day Party held at West Hollywood’s Sunset Towers. The picture ended up in all the rags and people seemed to look down on January because I guess it’s improper for a girl who plays someone in the 60’s to go out in the 10’s and get deep dicked. Obviously HBGWHEM does not judge January for this. The Oceana World Oceans Day Party held at West Hollywood’s Sunset Towers sounds shitty and sex is awesome. January was making an executive HBGWHEM decision and we fully support her.
Then she got in trouble again when she was eating with some chef (I think he’s famous, but I don’t have the cable to check the channel guide to see if he has a show) and I guess she drove into a car, drove home, then called the cops. Everyone wanted her to be arrested because that’s what they are trying to do with all HBGWHEMs so that ugly brunettes can get jobs. Luckily, January was able to go free because she’s a really good drunk driver. Plus everyone saw that story about her getting out of the taxi after the non oceanic sex romp and so they know she takes taxis when she is too drunk from the night/night before.
One thing is true, January Jones is a talented hot blonde girl with heavy eye makeup. In fact, I am of the belief that January got into that car accident because her own intoxicating beauty filled up the car she was drunkenly driving home. In conclusion:
HBGWHEM Gossip Girl Season 3 Review Tomorrow, season 3 of Gossip Girl comes out on DVD! Gossip Girl is my favorite show on TV right now for many reasons like Taylor Momsen and Little J…and I’m sure there are other reasons I’m just forgetting right now.I think everyone who has seen Season 3 will admit that it’s not up to the quality of the first two seasons, but that doesn’t mean you should skip buying the discs. Even bad Gossip Girl is still better than most normal TV so I highly recommend that you order Gossip Girl season 3 from Amazon. Here is a link I’ve seen every episode of Gossip Girl and I had a lot of pictures saved on my computer from each episode so here is my review of all of season 3. Beware Spoilers ahead. If you don’t want to know that Vanessa is a huge, worthless, fugly nag all season, then don’t look at the rest of this post.
Anddddd finally, in conclusion: J loses her v-card to chuck and of course no one mentions that chuck tried to date rape J because that would have actually been a human moment where a serious issue was dealt with, but the show runners, in their infinite wisdom chose for us to go to some eastern european country where mischa barto- oops i mean chuck gets shot. great finale. hope you could hear the collective boo of the fandom through the TV. 65 3-22 17/May/10 Last Tango, Then Paris [Trailer]
After a brief hiatus, due to none of you giving a shit if I update this or not, I’ve decided to come back because of an email that said something like, “Hey Man, Really enjoy your blog about Hot Blonde Girls With Heavy Eye Makeup, wonder when the next post was coming out.” Well imaginary e-mail I just made up, today is your lucky day. The HBGWHEM number 9 is none other than Elin Nordegren.
As I understand it, Elin Nordegren was suggested by Tiger Wood’s caddy to be Tiger’s maid or something and I guess it was a One Tree Hill situation where hottie maid comes in and flirts/gets drunk and sexy/skinny dips in the pool with the lights on/kidnaps your kids and so Tiger and Elin got married. Then they probably hired a new maid. Probably a brunette so Tiger didn’t try any funny business. I can’t get any more information on Elin because she doesn’t have a twitter.
I like Elin because she fits perfectly in line with my image of Swedish girls (minus the bar maid outfit). I don’t really have to adjust my stereotypes at all with Elin and I think that’s very considerate of her. I’ve never heard her speak, despite the fact that she’s been in the news for the past year. This also helps in my enjoyment or her. There’s one thing that is a roadblock with me, and a large concern when I considered featuring her. She does not have an agressive makeup routine. Sparse. Unraccoony. Tasteful. All of these are nasty words that come to my mind when I think about her makeup.
One could speculate that Tiger got bored with Elin because her eye makeup often could be best described as only present and not excessive. Maybe Perkins girl had a really nice pallete of colors and went super crazy with the gun metal eyeshadow. Perkins girl probably has like 19 palletes of other makeups that she hasn’t used yet, but the gunmetal part on the pallete is right down to the plastic. My other theory on Elin’s eyes is that they are broken. When I was googling pictures of her to wank to, I noticed that a lot of them are of Elin in sunglasses.
This is the worst thing when I am trying to wank because I like a little eye contact while I’m doing it. That’s why if you sext me a picture from your cell, always include your face. None of those weak middle torso shots, you’ll get deleted like a chain letter. This broken eyes theory may be correct as there were porn bitches texting Tiger at all hours of the day and so she would have to be blind to not notice that.
Then, one day, the glasses came off and she either woke up to what was happening or got lasik and then was like “oh my, there are tons of pics of fake tits on Tiger’s phone.” After that, she might have beat him with a golf club. I don’t usually support girls playing sports (besides tennis or something with an equally sexy skirt/undies combo) but I support Elin’s use of the club because it was more about domestic violence and less about fixing her slice. Now Elin has started a new life, going to college at Rollins in Florida. My sister went to Rollins for like 9 years to get her bachelors degree and I didn’t visit her once. I really wish that I did go there and maybe made some Freshman friends that invited would me down this year for a wild weekend. We would be able to relax, not tan because tan people are gross and then maybe take a psych course with Elin. In summary: