People have been asking, “Who is this Isabella person that you’ve now devoted this blog to?” and they ask “Why do you keep making these creepy audio posts for Isabella instead of writing?” and they ask “If you could kiss Daphne or have Coco Rocha never exist ever-ever (ever-ever?) ever-ever, which would you chose?”
And those are all valid questions.
Isabella is RussianRapunzel.tumblr.com
The first time I wrote about her was during our CFREE fiasco. You can read about it here.
Isabella is really great because she likes all the same things I do and hates all the same things I do. She’s the only person I’ve ever spoken with who is perfectly happy with spending an hour going through Bambi’s fiancee’s twitter account and ridiculing him for every cringeworthy post.
Isabella once recorded a popular vlog called “DAPHNE GROENEVELD”.
Once it got a “Thumbs Down”.
I’m not saying that Charlotte Free thumbed down this video, maybe it was someone else, but yeah, it was Charlotte free.
I wanted to post Isabella’s vlog, but as you remember from the Miley salvia incident, I’m not smart enough to figure out how to post videos on posts.
Last night Isabella and I spent a good portion of the night screencapping videos of the K-Pop group SNSD. Since I really haven’t kept up with my Korean, I relied to the subtitles to remind me why Sooyoung was drinking a glass of vinegar on a Korean talk show and the subtitles help explain that.
Then I got the idea, I can’t post Isabella’s vlog, but I can post the subtitles that are on it!!!
What follows is a chronological guide to Isabella’s HBGWHEM certified vlog: DAPHNE GROEVNEVELD.
The vlog starts with Isabella saying that this is her second blog and she explains how she picked the topics for the video. I wondered what Daphne had to do with the video, afterall, it was named DAPHNE GROEVNEVELD. Here is where Isabella explains what this has to do with Daphne
I know. I know. Kind of vulgar for Isabella to be winking and attempting to come onto Daphne like that. I was shocked that Isabella would start her vlog in such a way, but it definitely made me wonder what else she had up her sleeve for the rest of the video.
Since Isabella has really great skin, she had to answer someone’s question about what her diet is to keep from getting breakouts. This is the tip Isabella gave;
It appears that she lives on an abundance of pastrami and she might also kill bats to keep her Lespire like complexion.
Next Isabella does a countdown, sort of like a “Top Ten” but with only nine entries;
The list is very good and quiet relatable. I was like ‘Oh that totally is an incident I seen but can’t taste. That definitely deserves to be on the list. So much stank.” Next Isabella talked about her future plans after college;
Watch out infoclient mobs! Isabella is on your tail and she’s having so much fun methodically murdering you.
Next Isabella answered a question about what she was going to do after Fashion Week was over;
Things got a little creepy again when Isabella gave some parenting advice on what ages are right for your kids to start different things.
Waiting til 16 to get a cell phone! Maybe the person who thumbed this video down felt that was too controversial of a statement.
Next Isabella describes how much she loves spending time alone watching Daphne videos!
I don’t believe the translation is right on this next one. Who would ever say, “Even the Chihuahua,” that just doesn’t make any sense;
We are treated to another Isabella beauty tip for a girl who writes in saying, “Isabella, I feel ugly and I don’t know what to do”;
After that, things get awkward again when Isabella picks up a polaroid of herself and continues to stare at it intensely while repeating;
This part is particularly macabre where she makes a plea to her cannibal followers;
The video gets very agressive in this part where she starts going off like “Fuck my haters. You don’t know me. You better fucking recognize. Your mom is a soccer mom, do you know what my mum was in?
It seemed sort of tacky for Isabella to brag about her famous mum, but I suppose it’s her right. Since she was so aggressive there, she cooled down and then tried to convince her followers everything was okay and that she was;
3 minutes after her just staring at the macbook like that, she started commenting on how the video was long. Isabella and I have an inside joke where we say someone is Eddie Murphying when they get in a failed joke and try to talk their way out of it, only digging their hole deeper. This stems from a chat we had once where I pretended to be a guy pitching an Eddie Murphy movie, but her internet died so I was sending these messages and getting no response so I just kept adding more and more to the Eddie Murphy joke and then she get her internet back and saw the two page disaster and was just like, “Wow”
After that, Isabella starts ranting about how she touched Taylor Swift’s arm and Taylor Swift hasn’t even called her since then. Apparently it made Isabella feel cheap and used;
This one doesn’t need much explaining;
Isabella then transitioned into a portion of her vlog where she would do some impressions. She does a pretty funny Dinero, a good Pacino and then she even did an impression of herself that was unreal;
The end of the video, we all get what we’re waiting for and Isabella reads a bit of her Isaveld fanfic!
It’s very spicy;
And, finally, in the last moment of the video, Isabella goes into everyone’s favorite portion of her vlog, the “Dear French” segment where she addresses the French who are notoriously racist against Americans.
I think this vlog explains why Isabella, despite her non-blonde hair, exudes the essence of a true HBGWHEM and that is why she is HGBWHEM 26. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo