I loveeeee her.
I def will do a feature on her soon.
I keep going back and forth between which remix of “One” I like more. The Totally Enormous Extinct Dino Remix is more dance-able, but the Logistics Vocal remix with the dubstep is pretty damn perfect.
Why are you anon? You have fantastic taste and you should be celebrated for it.
I just googled her and you’re right!
Jillian, you are the queen of fashion and I am just a peasant in your kingdom.
I need a consistently updated Brad Pitt tumblr to follow.
I’ve tried everyyy combination of:
Fuck. Yeah. Brad. and Pitt.
Gemma Ward. My second favorite model ever has returned.
Here is a !HBGWHEM exclusive! interview with Gemma about her return:
HBGWHEM 25.0 WELCOME HOME, GEMMA.
Kristen Stewart, no the fuck you did not just show up in my mail cubby on the cover of Vogue rocking the eff out of some Proenza Schouler.
“…and the winner of the Golden Globe thing for best Golden Globe rundown goes to Tom from HBGWHEM!!!!”
It’s time for the Golden Globes! I’ll be live blogging the Red Carpet and awards ceremony because my friends don’t answer my text messages anymore. Just keep refreshing the page for my new notes, I’m going to keep editing this post.
Make sure that you add your opinions to the comment section and if you say something funny, I will delete your comment and then post it as my own thoughts. LOL JK. Maybe.
RED CARPET TIME:
- Carson Daly is hosting the Red Carpet. I hope he starts telling stories about how he picked up girls from the TRL audience.
- Justin Bieber is looking extra punchable tonight in purple framed glasses.
- Alexia Chung is doing red carpet too. I’d like to have sex with her (yup this is the type of insight you’ll be getting with this rundown)
- Angelina looks super sparkly and I like it. Carson Daly was talking to her and he’s like, “Hey, The Tourist, that was a movie…” and then there was a silent moment they had where they both mentally said to each other “What a piece of shit, right?”
- Earlier today, I tried to watch some of the football game and a man jumped in the air and caught a football at the end of the field and it made me think, “Wow, sports!”
- They just played the LARAAAAAAAA CK commercial. Jillian blogged about it like 2 days ago and since then I’ve watched it +/- 33 times.
- Tina Fey is being interviewed now. I haven’t seen this much bombing since that Iraq doc on The History Channel.
- HBGWHEM 11.0 January Jones is looking good. She has virtually nothing to offer besides looking hot, but she seems to be embracing that and trying to move the interview along as fast as possible.
- RPATZ is hotttttttttt. I wish he was my best friend.
- Kevin Spacey is looking in the closet tonight.
- I want Colin Firth to be my English teacher.
- What the hell is this Sofia Vaigra lady saying?
- This Abilify antidepressant looks good. I’d like to buy some. Abilify sounds like ‘villify’ though. How depressing.
- Helen Mirrum should have borrowed a weave from, like, Monique or something just to keep things interesting.
- Catherine Zeta Jones is wearing my fav dress so far. Her earrings are bangin’ too.
- What do I think of Claire Danes’ dress?
- Jennifer Love Hewitt looks like a skeeted in tissue.
- Christian Bale looks mentally sound…
- GIRLS, good news. Anthony Hopkins isn’t dead afterall.
- LARAAAAAAA commercial again. It’s like a 34 second orgasm.
- Whoa. The Office is still on TV. Seems excessive.
- Anne Hathaway just got pulled away in the middle of the interview. She must have to go shoot another lame Vouge cover. She described Jake Gyllanhaal as a “smarty”, way not to be boring, Anne.
- RDJ with no tux. Good outfit. Bad hair.
- Alexa is the cutest “Thank you so much for talking to me tonight, enjoy your evening.” CUTE.
- Oh it’s Jimmy Fallon. He paid me eighty million dollars to wear his shirt *above*. JK he didn’t pay me anything, I saw Megan Fox wear the shirt once and then immediately bought it on amazon.
- Michelle Williams in Valentino looks cute not sexy.
- Natalie Portman has a human being inside her tummy!
- Carson tried to hit on Alexa, he’s like, “I have tons of VHS tapes of me being famous in the ninties, want to come over to my condo and watch them?”
- Oh a commercial for “Chuck” the show that Josh Schwartz pays a shitload of attention to even though no one watches it. I’d be fine with that if he wasn’t the showrunner for Gossip Girl and he pretty much didn’t give a shit about the show for the entire third season and it seemed like they were forcing Humphrey to write the episodes twenty minutes before they started filming.
- Who is this third wheel with Carson and Alexa? She just laughs loudly into her mic while Carson treads water.
- Damn Ricky is going in.
- They will never give the stage to Ricky again. This is the best award show ever.
- I hope Ricky Gervais hosts everything. Anything that needs a host, please just hire Ricky.
- Scarlett, while not blonde, still has a cute dress.
- Christian Bale just won an award for best actor. Hopefully it comes with a shower and shave.
- Christian Bale must have said a ton of terrible things about Jews because they censored his end of a speech.
- Someone needs to give Elizabeth Moss a mac gift card
- A lady from a show called Sons of Anarchy won best actress on TV. She’s old.
- The greatest actor to ever live, BPITT looks fantastic. I’m so glad they nominated The Tourist because, if for nothing else, I get to see Brad and Angie look perfection.
- WHYYYY JULIANNE. Kevin Spacey is presenting with her and his secret gayman thoughts are probably like, “Gurrrrrrrl, that dresssss, nonoNO.”
- Some bullshit TV movie named “Carlos” beat a really good Pacino Film on Jack Kevorkian. Fuck that noise.
- Here’s a transcript for the guy who gave the Carlos speech. “DUHHHHdrrrrrrDuhhhhErrrrrr.”
- Ricky introduced Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutchers Dad”.
- Leighton Meester, what a high slit. Good makeup and she doesn’t have fatface. I approve.
- That gay kid that is too gay to function from Glee won best actor in a show for friendless virgins.
- I’m eating pasta now and I feel like a fat person. I feel like how Christina Augliera looks tonight.
- LARAAAAAAAA commercial again. It deserves the gay kid’s Golden Globe. I’m sure he understands.
- Michelle Pfiffer is still a HBGWHEM. I’d bang the botox out of her.
- Steve Buscemi won best actor for Boardwalk Empire and Boardwalk Empire won best TV Drama. JERSEY STAND UP.
- Alec Baldwin introduced Best Song and he didn’t call anyone a selfish little pig. Disappointing. All the songs sucked. Burlesque won and some broad who looks like Liza Minelli accepted the award. The amazing Alexandre Desplat lost best score to Trent Reznor. Trent Reznor proceeds to give the least rock star speech ever. Even the guy from Zombieland who makes money as a Michael Cera impersonator was like “Lame.”
- Justin Bieber presents Best Animated Feature with some hot chick. Selena is prob at home writing really 3mo stuff in her journal about it. How to Drain Your Dragon doesn’t win, Toy Story 3 does. Beiber seems pretty happy about it.
- Emma Stone is a HBGWHEM. This is the only nice thing about that dumb Spiderman reboot. Annette Benning wins best actress in a comedy. Old.
- Tilda Swinton! I loved your song “Bulletproof”! It’s so catchy.
- Pacino wins best actor for miniseries or TV movie and totally deserves it. Netflix “You Don’t Know Jack” it’s great.
- Okay I like Claire Danes dress and she won best actress in a TV movie or miniseries. JLH is up for a Golden Globe. That’s a bigger joke than the pic I photoshopped earlier today. She cried but her long eyelashes that are from putting that stuff on her eyelids kept her tears from reuining her makeup.
- Steve Carell has the impossible task of presenting something funny with Tina Fey. I mentally check out ~30seconds in so I can’t say if he’s successful. Aaron Sorkin wins best Screenplay for his facebook movie script. My favorite part of the script is where it’s like, “I HOPE IT’S A SNOW DAY TOMORROW SO I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO CLASS”. Facebook movie so good.
- Chris Hemsworth presents and award and I bet Miley is looking at the TV like, “Is that Liam? Is that my boyfriend?”
- That mean lesbian wins best Comedy Actress. She thanks her track suit.
- Rpatz presents best foreign language film. Something like “A Better World” won. With a title like that, I bet it’s a movie about a world where everyone looks like Rpatz. Oh Zefron presented earlier and his haircut sort of sucks, but he still too good for Vhudg.
- Tina Fey loses the golden globe for stupid woman to Laura Linney. Laura Linney didn’t even show up because she was busy making a show no one watches.
- Best actor in a comedy goes to the guy from Garden State that told Zac Braff his forehead says “Balls”. I think he was on a Stride gum commercial too.
- Melissa Leo??????? wins for best supporting actress for her work in a Marky Mark movie.
- Matt Damon is starring in another effing movie where he just runs from government people? We get it bro, you’re a slippery snake able to outrun the feds. Do a romcom or something now.
- LARAAAAAAA commercial. She is going to star in a real life movie where I chase her down the streets if I ever walk by her. What a dreamboat.
- OH NO ROBERT DINERO IS GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH. SHIT.
- During Dinero’s boring ass speech, they cut to Angie and she was looking at Brad with such a pure love and it melted my heart. Then they cut back to Dinero I was like, “Oh. Still talking.”
- There is a movie called Nomeo + Juliet. Should be interesting to watch that movie end in a double suicide.
- Megan Fox.
- Fincher wins for the Facebook movie. I deal with this fact by pretending that they were like, “Sorry bro we messed up not giving you the oscar for super awesome amazing Ben Button.”
- HBGWHEM 11.0’s boobs are on full display.
- Glee wins best show to watch while you’re crying because you have antisocial disorder.
- Halle Berry gives Paul Giamatti for a best actor award. Pretty much all of that makes me feel good. A simultanious physical and artistic boner.
- They showed 2 seconds of Nicole Kidman!
- LARAAAAA commercial again! Then a Green Hornet commercial with Seth Rogan rapping Coolio. I’ve never gone from a stiffy to a softy so fast.
- Natalie Portman beats Nicole for best actress. Have you seen Natalie Portman’s dress? More like Blech Swan.
- The lovely Julianne Moore’s movie “The Kids Are Alright” wins best Comedy or Musical. Despite her dress, Julianne has very good judgement so I’m sure this is a fine film.
- Colin Firth wins best actor. As it should be.
- Gwen Stefani HBGWHEM’in it up in the L’oreal commercial.
- Michael Douglas presents the final award. He looked very healthy. He starred in one of my favorite movies of all time, Wonder Boys. Buy it. The Facebook movie wins best film. Facebook joke here.
Ladies and other ladies, that was the 2011 Golden Globes in review.
I think I’m going to live blog about the Golden Globes. Don’t worry, it will all be in one post that I’ll just keep editing. Your dash is safe.
I’m confident it will be a good show with Ricky Gervais hosting and there should be a lot of HBGWHEMs there so if you find yourself watching the Golden Globes, tonight, head over to my page and F5 your dick off.
There’s probably a 40% chance I won’t actually do this live blogging thing and, in that case, I’ll just delete this post and then you’ll be like, “I could have sworn Tom was live blogging the Golden Globes. Have I gone mad? Is the Golden Globes even tonight or is my brain firing miscues and I”ll be dead within the hour?” and then you turn on the TV to watch the Golden Globes anyway and it’s right at the point in the award show where they sacrifice the entire cast of Glee in some sort of ancient blood ritual. In a perfect world…
gemmalee + post-disney miley.
the ultimate alliance has formed in 2011.
Let me start off by saying that I like redheads.
Red hair seems like a good choice if you can’t go blonde due to some sort of pigmentary or common law or birth defect or muslim country or hair dye shortage issue. A girl I used to stalk in college- “The Blonde Haired Love of My Life” dyed her hair red and she’s still fantastically goodlooking, even though she isn’t blonde anymore.
Lots of the greats have “experimented”.
Lindsay Lo often goes back to her signature red and if I faulted anyone for red hair, it would be doing a disservice to the first HBGWHEM I ever featured (and I don’t want to do that, those asshole LA prosecuters seem to be doing a good enough job.)
A model I hold near and dear to my cold worthless heart, Lydia Hearst, who, I’m pretty sure, is the stepdaughter of my favorite author, Jay Mcinerney, also goes red on occasion and it suits her very nicely.
I have Lydia on the wall in my apartment to show there is no hard feelings even despite her adventures in red.
I’ll tumblr a picture later tonight to prove it. I know I have a very unflattering pic of myself next to my fav Lydia ad that I have posted on my wall in my apartment! I think she might be next to a pre-JESS MOTHERFUCKING STAM Aldo ad so, in advance, I just want to clear up that the Aldo ad is in no way a statement that I think their previous campaigns were superior to the outstanding work they have done with JESS MOTHERFUCKING STAM.
Now that we have that clear, I’m leaking more stuff.
Here is a Playboy shoot from 1999.
Which was 12 fucking years ago.
1999 was twelve fucking years ago.
What am I doing with my life?
If someone says, like, “Oh that came out in 1999”, I don’t think, “Holy shit that thing is as old as Justin Bieber + 7 additional years.”
I should just end it now.
I haven’t accomplished shit in 12 years. If my life ended in 1999, I would have achieved the exact same amount except for my college degree, which I still haven’t picked up and I live directly behind the college, literally, it’s a baseball field, and then a fence and then I’m at the college.
Back to the shoot, as you can see, it features a bunch of HBGWHEM’s and a douchebag and a clown.
What the hell was this a shoot for? Were they doing a spread on spraytanned homoerotic tranny clown boners? If so, not judging because they included HBGWHEM so I don’t need to send our attorney over to the Playboy mansion to file some sort of civil rights claim for the lack of HBGWHEM action in the photo, but seriously guys, what the hell?
One of the HBGWHEM in the picture is Christina Hendricks.
Here, I’ll highlight her since there is a lot going on here.
I told you. No one believes me when I always tell girls that they have a HBGWHEM inside all of them, but this is photographic evidence.
There is a HBGWHEM inside Christina Hendricks.
Now, I’m not a Christina Hendricks fan. I hear she was on some show called “Firefly” that I bought on DVD because it was made by the guy who made Buffy and Angel and Buffy and Angel fucking rule because when I was a kid my parents wouldn’t let me get cable in my room so I could only watch the piece of shit WB, since it was the only channel my TV got and so I’d watch Buffy and Angel and Shipmates and Elimidate and it was awesome and I was like “Why do I even need cable?” so I’ve always been obsessed with the WB and that’s why I only watch the CW now and I still don’t have cable and my Dad seems discouraged that I only watch “fag shows” and I’m like “Dad don’t be such a Victoria! Brooke Davis is a much stronger woman than I am so I can’t take an aggressive parent!” and then we eat our tacos in silence.
I tried watching the show ‘Firefly’ and I got through like two episodes and boy does this show suck a dick. It takes place in space and they are like cowboys? who need to track ships? and the only color clothing available is poop brown? and there is, like, a stowaway? killing… things? With barely any kissing or scandalous hookups?
I don’t know what was happening, but it’s a piece of shit show and if you like it you’re fat.
The next show I learned about Christina Hendricks on was Mad Men. I have all three seasons on DVD and if anyone asks me, I say, “Oh that show is really good,” but, honestly, between me and you girls, I’ve only watched the first episode and then I stopped watching so I could watch season 5 of One Tree Hill… for the third time! Whatever. I blame my father.
When I did see Christina Hendricks on the show, she’s Don Draper’s secretary (in the one episode I’ve watched, I’m not sure if she, like, gets a promotion or gets fired for making bad coffee and having stupid tits and a fat middle, but I’ll update when I watch more). In the show, Christina Hendricks has stupid tits and a fat middle.
I knowwwww. I’m a heterosexual guy and I’m supposed to be like, “Rawr oh yeah, look at those really large boobies. That’s awesome. Want to touch them a lot or put my weiner in between them or w/e,” but I don’t have that instinct.
Look at her in that Playboy pic! Her boobs were nice and normal. Perfect. Then, somehow, someway, disaster struck and now I don’t want any part of it. Pretty much if your cup size is anything over Rosie Whitley, I hate your tits. You look stupid in cute dresses, is there a bigger crime? Anytime I see a girl with Christina Hendricks boobs, I say, “Look at her stupid tits,” and then someone goes, “Bro, you’re gay. Look at those really large boobies. That’s awesome. I want to touch them a lot or put my weiner in between them,” and then some fat girl we’re standing next to on the Path train is always like, “Christina Hendricks is an inspiration. She is a positive force in Hollywood because woman have been given body issues from blahblahablahablabahhhhhh and I just stand there and hope the train derails.
But look, under the stupid tits, under the expressionless too tight face, under the cologen lips, under the stupid middle, under the 70 excess pounds is a HBGWHEM.
Now we just need to reverse engineer Christina Hendricks and trade in my Firefly DVD for season 1+2 double pack at Walmart of Gilmore Girls and then everything will be at peace.
I know I’m going to lose all of my followers for saying this, and i fully stand behind you unfollowing me after reading this reprehensible statement… but…
I like the SJP cover of this month’s Elle. The clothes and color scheme are both fantastic.
Goodbye my followers. Goodbye my friends.
how brunette of you.