Do you know who Sky Ferreira is? She's definitely an HBGWHEM.
there's more, bitches. jfgi.
I loveeeee her.
I def will do a feature on her soon.
I keep going back and forth between which remix of “One” I like more. The Totally Enormous Extinct Dino Remix is more dance-able, but the Logistics Vocal remix with the dubstep is pretty damn perfect.
Why are you anon? You have fantastic taste and you should be celebrated for it.
23.1 Tom, Think of a “Hold It Against Me” Pun for This Blog Title
Tommie Sunshine, DJ and part time BRITBRIT remixer extraordinaire has finally unveiled his Hold It Against Me Remix (download here)(or listen above)(or if you don’t like Britney, get fucked)(and not the good getting fucked, like getting fucked by Britney or that pornstar Ashynn Brooke who sort of looks like Britney)(Did Ashlynn get implants?)(I think she got implants)(Why did she get implants)(She had the most perfect boobs ever)(Now she looks like Bree Olsen)(Bree Olsen doesn’t really look like Britney so does Ashlynn Brooke still look like Britney?)(Can you link porn in a tumblr post?)(I’m going to go try it)(Oops, just spent two hours straight watching pornography?)(had a wank and now the last thing I want to see is more porn so I won’t be linking the video)(I doubt tumblr would have let me anyway)(what was I doing before I went on a porno bender?) (Oh yeah. Britney)
While this remix is not as amazingly named as the Womanizer “Tommie Sunshine’s HOLY SHIT THE ECONOMY IS FUCKED redub” it’s every bit as good.
You can check out Tommie Sunshine’s soundcloud here
HBGWHEM UNFUN FACT: Most of my second novel was mashed out on a bad Toshiba laptop while listening to Deathcab For Cutie “You Can Play These Songs with Chords" and Tommie Sunshine’s "Snakes on a Plane" soundtrack. I know what you’re thinking, "How did one of the best novels of our generation come to exist while it’s supremely talented author listened to the soundtrack to one of the worst movies of our generation?"
The answer is that Tommie Sunshine and Tommie Reagan are the greatest talents of our generation so, even when given Snakes on a Plane, we make gold. Plus is cover of the CD is fucking 3d. No glasses required.
If you missed the original “Hold It Against Me” track or my write-up, you can find it here-> <3Britney<3
"…and the winner of the Golden Globe thing for best Golden Globe rundown goes to Tom from HBGWHEM!!!!"
It’s time for the Golden Globes! I’ll be live blogging the Red Carpet and awards ceremony because my friends don’t answer my text messages anymore. Just keep refreshing the page for my new notes, I’m going to keep editing this post.
Make sure that you add your opinions to the comment section and if you say something funny, I will delete your comment and then post it as my own thoughts. LOL JK. Maybe.
RED CARPET TIME:
Carson Daly is hosting the Red Carpet. I hope he starts telling stories about how he picked up girls from the TRL audience.
Justin Bieber is looking extra punchable tonight in purple framed glasses.
Alexia Chung is doing red carpet too. I’d like to have sex with her (yup this is the type of insight you’ll be getting with this rundown)
Angelina looks super sparkly and I like it. Carson Daly was talking to her and he’s like, “Hey, The Tourist, that was a movie…” and then there was a silent moment they had where they both mentally said to each other “What a piece of shit, right?”
Earlier today, I tried to watch some of the football game and a man jumped in the air and caught a football at the end of the field and it made me think, “Wow, sports!”
They just played the LARAAAAAAAA CK commercial. Jillian blogged about it like 2 days ago and since then I’ve watched it +/- 33 times.
Tina Fey is being interviewed now. I haven’t seen this much bombing since that Iraq doc on The History Channel.
HBGWHEM 11.0 January Jones is looking good. She has virtually nothing to offer besides looking hot, but she seems to be embracing that and trying to move the interview along as fast as possible.
RPATZ is hotttttttttt. I wish he was my best friend.
Kevin Spacey is looking in the closet tonight.
I want Colin Firth to be my English teacher.
What the hell is this Sofia Vaigra lady saying?
This Abilify antidepressant looks good. I’d like to buy some. Abilify sounds like ‘villify’ though. How depressing.
Helen Mirrum should have borrowed a weave from, like, Monique or something just to keep things interesting.
Catherine Zeta Jones is wearing my fav dress so far. Her earrings are bangin’ too.
What do I think of Claire Danes’ dress?
Jennifer Love Hewitt looks like a skeeted in tissue.
Christian Bale looks mentally sound…
GIRLS, good news. Anthony Hopkins isn’t dead afterall.
LARAAAAAAA commercial again. It’s like a 34 second orgasm.
Whoa. The Office is still on TV. Seems excessive.
Anne Hathaway just got pulled away in the middle of the interview. She must have to go shoot another lame Vouge cover. She described Jake Gyllanhaal as a “smarty”, way not to be boring, Anne.
RDJ with no tux. Good outfit. Bad hair.
Alexa is the cutest “Thank you so much for talking to me tonight, enjoy your evening.” CUTE.
Oh it’s Jimmy Fallon. He paid me eighty million dollars to wear his shirt *above*. JK he didn’t pay me anything, I saw Megan Fox wear the shirt once and then immediately bought it on amazon.
Michelle Williams in Valentino looks cute not sexy.
Natalie Portman has a human being inside her tummy!
Carson tried to hit on Alexa, he’s like, “I have tons of VHS tapes of me being famous in the ninties, want to come over to my condo and watch them?”
Oh a commercial for “Chuck” the show that Josh Schwartz pays a shitload of attention to even though no one watches it. I’d be fine with that if he wasn’t the showrunner for Gossip Girl and he pretty much didn’t give a shit about the show for the entire third season and it seemed like they were forcing Humphrey to write the episodes twenty minutes before they started filming.
Who is this third wheel with Carson and Alexa? She just laughs loudly into her mic while Carson treads water.
Damn Ricky is going in.
They will never give the stage to Ricky again. This is the best award show ever.
I hope Ricky Gervais hosts everything. Anything that needs a host, please just hire Ricky.
Scarlett, while not blonde, still has a cute dress.
Christian Bale just won an award for best actor. Hopefully it comes with a shower and shave.
Christian Bale must have said a ton of terrible things about Jews because they censored his end of a speech.
Someone needs to give Elizabeth Moss a mac gift card
A lady from a show called Sons of Anarchy won best actress on TV. She’s old.
The greatest actor to ever live, BPITT looks fantastic. I’m so glad they nominated The Tourist because, if for nothing else, I get to see Brad and Angie look perfection.
WHYYYY JULIANNE. Kevin Spacey is presenting with her and his secret gayman thoughts are probably like, “Gurrrrrrrl, that dresssss, nonoNO.”
Some bullshit TV movie named “Carlos” beat a really good Pacino Film on Jack Kevorkian. Fuck that noise.
Here’s a transcript for the guy who gave the Carlos speech. “DUHHHHdrrrrrrDuhhhhErrrrrr.”
Ricky introduced Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutchers Dad”.
Leighton Meester, what a high slit. Good makeup and she doesn’t have fatface. I approve.
That gay kid that is too gay to function from Glee won best actor in a show for friendless virgins.
I’m eating pasta now and I feel like a fat person. I feel like how Christina Augliera looks tonight.
LARAAAAAAAA commercial again. It deserves the gay kid’s Golden Globe. I’m sure he understands.
Michelle Pfiffer is still a HBGWHEM. I’d bang the botox out of her.
Steve Buscemi won best actor for Boardwalk Empire and Boardwalk Empire won best TV Drama. JERSEY STAND UP.
Alec Baldwin introduced Best Song and he didn’t call anyone a selfish little pig. Disappointing. All the songs sucked. Burlesque won and some broad who looks like Liza Minelli accepted the award. The amazing Alexandre Desplat lost best score to Trent Reznor. Trent Reznor proceeds to give the least rock star speech ever. Even the guy from Zombieland who makes money as a Michael Cera impersonator was like “Lame.”
Justin Bieber presents Best Animated Feature with some hot chick. Selena is prob at home writing really 3mo stuff in her journal about it. How to Drain Your Dragon doesn’t win, Toy Story 3 does. Beiber seems pretty happy about it.
Emma Stone is a HBGWHEM. This is the only nice thing about that dumb Spiderman reboot. Annette Benning wins best actress in a comedy. Old.
Tilda Swinton! I loved your song “Bulletproof”! It’s so catchy.
Pacino wins best actor for miniseries or TV movie and totally deserves it. Netflix “You Don’t Know Jack” it’s great.
Okay I like Claire Danes dress and she won best actress in a TV movie or miniseries. JLH is up for a Golden Globe. That’s a bigger joke than the pic I photoshopped earlier today. She cried but her long eyelashes that are from putting that stuff on her eyelids kept her tears from reuining her makeup.
Steve Carell has the impossible task of presenting something funny with Tina Fey. I mentally check out ~30seconds in so I can’t say if he’s successful. Aaron Sorkin wins best Screenplay for his facebook movie script. My favorite part of the script is where it’s like, “I HOPE IT’S A SNOW DAY TOMORROW SO I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO CLASS”. Facebook movie so good.
Chris Hemsworth presents and award and I bet Miley is looking at the TV like, “Is that Liam? Is that my boyfriend?”
That mean lesbian wins best Comedy Actress. She thanks her track suit.
Rpatz presents best foreign language film. Something like “A Better World” won. With a title like that, I bet it’s a movie about a world where everyone looks like Rpatz. Oh Zefron presented earlier and his haircut sort of sucks, but he still too good for Vhudg.
Tina Fey loses the golden globe for stupid woman to Laura Linney. Laura Linney didn’t even show up because she was busy making a show no one watches.
Best actor in a comedy goes to the guy from Garden State that told Zac Braff his forehead says “Balls”. I think he was on a Stride gum commercial too.
Melissa Leo??????? wins for best supporting actress for her work in a Marky Mark movie.
Matt Damon is starring in another effing movie where he just runs from government people? We get it bro, you’re a slippery snake able to outrun the feds. Do a romcom or something now.
LARAAAAAAA commercial. She is going to star in a real life movie where I chase her down the streets if I ever walk by her. What a dreamboat.
OH NO ROBERT DINERO IS GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH. SHIT.
During Dinero’s boring ass speech, they cut to Angie and she was looking at Brad with such a pure love and it melted my heart. Then they cut back to Dinero I was like, “Oh. Still talking.”
There is a movie called Nomeo + Juliet. Should be interesting to watch that movie end in a double suicide.
Fincher wins for the Facebook movie. I deal with this fact by pretending that they were like, “Sorry bro we messed up not giving you the oscar for super awesome amazing Ben Button.”
HBGWHEM 11.0’s boobs are on full display.
Glee wins best show to watch while you’re crying because you have antisocial disorder.
Halle Berry gives Paul Giamatti for a best actor award. Pretty much all of that makes me feel good. A simultanious physical and artistic boner.
I think I’m going to live blog about the Golden Globes. Don’t worry, it will all be in one post that I’ll just keep editing. Your dash is safe.
I’m confident it will be a good show with Ricky Gervais hosting and there should be a lot of HBGWHEMs there so if you find yourself watching the Golden Globes, tonight, head over to my page and F5 your dick off.
There’s probably a 40% chance I won’t actually do this live blogging thing and, in that case, I’ll just delete this post and then you’ll be like, “I could have sworn Tom was live blogging the Golden Globes. Have I gone mad? Is the Golden Globes even tonight or is my brain firing miscues and I”ll be dead within the hour?” and then you turn on the TV to watch the Golden Globes anyway and it’s right at the point in the award show where they sacrifice the entire cast of Glee in some sort of ancient blood ritual. In a perfect world…
Red hair seems like a good choice if you can’t go blonde due to some sort of pigmentary or common law or birth defect or muslim country or hair dye shortage issue. A girl I used to stalk in college- “The Blonde Haired Love of My Life” dyed her hair red and she’s still fantastically goodlooking, even though she isn’t blonde anymore.
Lots of the greats have “experimented”.
Lindsay Lo often goes back to her signature red and if I faulted anyone for red hair, it would be doing a disservice to the first HBGWHEM I ever featured (and I don’t want to do that, those asshole LA prosecuters seem to be doing a good enough job.)
A model I hold near and dear to my cold worthless heart, Lydia Hearst, who, I’m pretty sure, is the stepdaughter of my favorite author, Jay Mcinerney, also goes red on occasion and it suits her very nicely.
I have Lydia on the wall in my apartment to show there is no hard feelings even despite her adventures in red.
I’ll tumblr a picture later tonight to prove it. I know I have a very unflattering pic of myself next to my fav Lydia ad that I have posted on my wall in my apartment! I think she might be next to a pre-JESS MOTHERFUCKING STAM Aldo ad so, in advance, I just want to clear up that the Aldo ad is in no way a statement that I think their previous campaigns were superior to the outstanding work they have done with JESS MOTHERFUCKING STAM.
Now that we have that clear, I’m leaking more stuff.
Here is a Playboy shoot from 1999.
Which was 12 fucking years ago.
1999 was twelve fucking years ago.
What am I doing with my life?
If someone says, like, “Oh that came out in 1999”, I don’t think, “Holy shit that thing is as old as Justin Bieber + 7 additional years.”
I should just end it now.
I haven’t accomplished shit in 12 years. If my life ended in 1999, I would have achieved the exact same amount except for my college degree, which I still haven’t picked up and I live directly behind the college, literally, it’s a baseball field, and then a fence and then I’m at the college.
Back to the shoot, as you can see, it features a bunch of HBGWHEM’s and a douchebag and a clown.
What the hell was this a shoot for? Were they doing a spread on spraytanned homoerotic tranny clown boners? If so, not judging because they included HBGWHEM so I don’t need to send our attorney over to the Playboy mansion to file some sort of civil rights claim for the lack of HBGWHEM action in the photo, but seriously guys, what the hell?
One of the HBGWHEM in the picture is Christina Hendricks.
Here, I’ll highlight her since there is a lot going on here.
I told you. No one believes me when I always tell girls that they have a HBGWHEM inside all of them, but this is photographic evidence.
There is a HBGWHEM inside Christina Hendricks.
Now, I’m not a Christina Hendricks fan. I hear she was on some show called “Firefly” that I bought on DVD because it was made by the guy who made Buffy and Angel and Buffy and Angel fucking rule because when I was a kid my parents wouldn’t let me get cable in my room so I could only watch the piece of shit WB, since it was the only channel my TV got and so I’d watch Buffy and Angel and Shipmates and Elimidate and it was awesome and I was like “Why do I even need cable?” so I’ve always been obsessed with the WB and that’s why I only watch the CW now and I still don’t have cable and my Dad seems discouraged that I only watch “fag shows” and I’m like “Dad don’t be such a Victoria! Brooke Davis is a much stronger woman than I am so I can’t take an aggressive parent!” and then we eat our tacos in silence.
I tried watching the show ‘Firefly’ and I got through like two episodes and boy does this show suck a dick. It takes place in space and they are like cowboys? who need to track ships? and the only color clothing available is poop brown? and there is, like, a stowaway? killing… things? With barely any kissing or scandalous hookups?
I don’t know what was happening, but it’s a piece of shit show and if you like it you’re fat.
The next show I learned about Christina Hendricks on was Mad Men. I have all three seasons on DVD and if anyone asks me, I say, “Oh that show is really good,” but, honestly, between me and you girls, I’ve only watched the first episode and then I stopped watching so I could watch season 5 of One Tree Hill… for the third time! Whatever. I blame my father.
When I did see Christina Hendricks on the show, she’s Don Draper’s secretary (in the one episode I’ve watched, I’m not sure if she, like, gets a promotion or gets fired for making bad coffee and having stupid tits and a fat middle, but I’ll update when I watch more). In the show, Christina Hendricks has stupid tits and a fat middle.
I knowwwww. I’m a heterosexual guy and I’m supposed to be like, “Rawr oh yeah, look at those really large boobies. That’s awesome. Want to touch them a lot or put my weiner in between them or w/e,” but I don’t have that instinct.
Look at her in that Playboy pic! Her boobs were nice and normal. Perfect. Then, somehow, someway, disaster struck and now I don’t want any part of it. Pretty much if your cup size is anything over Rosie Whitley, I hate your tits. You look stupid in cute dresses, is there a bigger crime? Anytime I see a girl with Christina Hendricks boobs, I say, “Look at her stupid tits,” and then someone goes, “Bro, you’re gay. Look at those really large boobies. That’s awesome. I want to touch them a lot or put my weiner in between them,” and then some fat girl we’re standing next to on the Path train is always like, “Christina Hendricks is an inspiration. She is a positive force in Hollywood because woman have been given body issues from blahblahablahablabahhhhhh and I just stand there and hope the train derails.
But look, under the stupid tits, under the expressionless too tight face, under the cologen lips, under the stupid middle, under the 70 excess pounds is a HBGWHEM.
Now we just need to reverse engineer Christina Hendricks and trade in my Firefly DVD for season 1+2 double pack at Walmart of Gilmore Girls and then everything will be at peace.
Now that you’ve listened, let me get this out of the way…
Dear Shitty Jive Intern,
I know that you got to work today after a really shitty commute in a car that you didn’t think was even going to make it to work. I know how you feel. Trust me, I KNOW.
It’s Monday, you had a pretty crazy weekend, maybe didn’t get enough sleep and now, here you are, at your desk, exhausted. Your little tiny sliver of the Jive office is covered in something like 4000 promotional fliers for the new Tyrese album or whatever. You have to go around LA later and post them up on construction walls and hope you don’t get arrested. Yup, that’s what it comes down to, you could end up getting arrested by the police for something that has to do with Tyrese. You decide that you’ll wait to post up the Tyrese fliers until after you check your company e-mail, but before your friends wake up. You don’t want to run into your crush and when she asks what you’re doing you have to be like, “Oh, you know, just chillin’ and… um… hanging up pictures of tyrese, illegally. He’s shirtless on them. See? Yeah… The usual.”
Inside your e-mail is a note from your boss- 40 something, balding, Range Rover, favorite cd- some shit by Steely Dan. Your boss tells you that the new BritBrit single is out and today, for the entire day, you have to google your dick off and find every copy of the single and then send a letter that your shitty boss attached to the e-mail. The letter is from the company’s shitty lawyer. It”s the type of thing that is supposed to scare all the blogs, website, youtubers, private citizens enough that they take down the song.
Sure the record industry is in the shitter.
Sure there is no MTV to play the videos, promote them endlessly.
Sure you have a new song by an artist that was created by a TRL culture of a lot of people buzzing and getting excited about her.
Your boss doesn’t care. He wants you to send this letter out to everyone.
So here you are at my site. Site number 4,600 of the Britney Witch hunt. You’ve counted. Not because you wanted to, but because you have to log every website on a spreadsheet and then send the spreadsheet to some other person with an equally shitty job so they can check it.
Tomorrow, when you come in, even more people will have posted the file. That means even more googling your tits off. Even more lawyer letters. Even more listening to the single which you feel the following about:
while i do appreciate the use of dubstep in the new Brit-Brit single, i have to say that i’m a little disappointed. it’s a good song and i like it, i just don’t think it’s a good ‘britney’ song. she can make great pop hits, why is she making Eurotrash for Vinnies? i guess this is her ‘confessions on a dance floor’ era. maybe i’m being too picky. lets all just be happy that lady gaga hasn’t shat out a new single yet.
This is what you BBM’d to your friend when he asked you about the new single. He also asked for a copy of it, but you told him you shut down all the websites with a copy.
And that’s what you’ll do. Again. And again. And again.
After every website has been warned with that shitty lawyer letter, you know how you’ll be rewarded? By getting the privilege to walk around LA and hang up Tyrese posters. After every construction site and telephone pole has been canvassed. After every Tyrese poster is hanging up in all it’s promotional glory. After you make bail for getting arrested for hanging up Tyrese posters. After all your friends abandon you because you shut their websites down and got arrested with shirtless Tyrese…
You will want to listen to the new BritBrit and you won’t be able to find it. Please, let me keep the BritBrit single up on my page and it will always be there for you. For me. For us.
I know it shouldn’t be here, but don’t “Hold It Against Me”
your favourite actress is an oversized kangaroo with red hair or at most strawberry blonde hair (which doesn't count as blonde).....why do you allow this non blonde person to be you favourite actress?
Yesss. Anon, <3 you. I’ve been watching a certain Nicole video over and over, but I couldn’t think of a funny thing to write about it for a hbgwhem feature. I didn’t want to be mean to Nicole, since everyone in the world seems to have that covered (refer to above).
I’m guessing you haven’t seen many Nicole Kidman movies, but here is how your netflix que should look for January: The Hours, Eyes Wide Shut, The Others, Fur and yes, even Mulin Rouge! It has an exclamation point at the end of it’s title. Everyone knows that shit that ends with an exclamation point is good. If you watch those movies, you will see Nicole transform into the character’s she’s playing. She really embodies the role and in the video I’m going to post, you get a great feeling for the amount of work she puts into each film. My favorite Nicole Kidman movie is The Hours, start there.
Finally the HBGWHEM community can witness a HBGWHEM at her finest. And she is looking blonder than blonde here anon.
*Brought to you by Sobe: America’s 48th favorite beverage.
I told you I would leak all sorts of things now that I have a Tip line.
This time I got my tipped on some exclusive documents regarding the new Sobe campaign.
I have a MP3 file of the conversation on how they picked the new girl for their “HEY! Let’s Paint on Some Tits” campaign. My intern transcribed the dialog on the MP3 so that you could read it here on HBGWHEM exclusively! I’m not sure who the two individuals are on the tape, but they are probably old, white, business executives who look like this:
So just imagine that guy and his twin brother talking to each other with this dialog.
Here’s where the MP3 starts:
"Okay, we got that hot chick from Twilight to do the last "HEY, She Better Cross Her Legs or We’ll See Her Slit" campaign. 9 out of 10 Sobe Colored Water drinkers described the campaign as ‘Bonerrific’."
"What did the 10th person describe it as?"
"Oh, okay, not our target market."
"Exactly. We decided that when we nixed the Sobe Colored White Wine Spritzer."
"So we need someone else who is ‘Bonerffic’ as the kids are saying these days."
"Hm. I’m trying to think of people I’ve gotten boners to lately."
"There’s no way here people will let her do it."
"But she pretended to be that gay guy’s boyfriend though."
"Who. John Mayer?"
"No. The other one."
"That Jonas brother?"
"No. The other one."
"She dated 2 of the Jonas Brothers?"
"No, I mean the other gay guy she dated. The one with the beard."
"Well, if you’re going to have a beard, Taylor Swift is pretty a bonerrific one."
"She won’t do it. Who is a failed popstar that we can actually afford who gives you a boner?"
"Where the hell are we going to find enough body paint to cover Jessica Simpson’s body?"
"You’re right, I was thinking of Jessica Simpson from 2001."
"That’s a totally different person."
"Hey, you know who is pretty ‘Bonerrfic’?"
"What the hell, man."
"Blake Lively from Gossip Girl."
"Oh! She is bonerrific. I wish her and Dan would just stay together already."
"Er. I mean, what a rack, right?"
"Right. Lets get her."
*Calls Blake Lively*
"Okay, her people said no."
"Well Coca Cola, Pepsi, Redbull, The Arizona Ice Tea Company and you, multiple times, when you were drunk apparently, have called Blake’s rep asking her to pose nude in ads."
"Oh. Well we could always get the other Gossip Girl."
"Sure. I’ll call her."
*Calls Leighton Meester*
"Damn. Her people said no too."
"What was their excuse?"
"They seemed receptive to the offer, but I could hear Blair in the background yelling, "I bet they already called Blake, ask them if they called Blake!" I lied and said we didn’t call Blake."
"So what’s the problem, that should make her happy."
"Her people said that she’s doing some modeling for Missoni."
"Oh please, they could have at least given us a realistic excuse."
"Already so who else could we get from Gossip Girl who is Bonerrific?"
"I thought we were trying to get guys to buy our drink?"
"We are, have you seen Chace Crawford?"
*Shows Sobe Exec his cell phone with a pic of Chance Crawford on it.*
"Oh. Okay, yeah, he’s very pretty. That will definately work. He gives me more of a boner than Blair."
*Calls Chace’s rep.* Okay. He said no too.
*Calls Eric from GG’s people- No/ Calls Chuck’s people-No/ Calls Lonelyboy’s people- No/ Calls Lily’s people- No/ Calls Rufus’ people- No/ Calls Georgina Spark’s people- No/ Calls Damian’s people-No/ Calls Carter’s people-No/ Calls that weird NYU girl that tried to bang humphrey when Serena got in the car accident- No*
"That only leaves…"
"No, man! NO! You can’t do this to the company. It’ll ruin us. Maybe Serena’s sick grandmother who turned out not to be sick or something like that, it was too much plot, will do it."
"No. We need to call Vanessa."
"This is the worst idea yet." "Desperate times…"
*Calls Vanessa’s people*
"Ugh. She said yes."
"Well, okay, lets get shooting, how bad could it be?"
"Famous last words"
"Should we let people know what happened at the shoot?" "What, about the 5,000 birds that saw Jessica Szohr Naked and committed suicide?"
HBGWHEM 19.2/20.2/22.2/ Tom Is a Journalist Now and He's Leaking Things
The much hyped HBGWHEM 19.2, 20.2, 22.2
Prepare yourself for dirt, scandal, leaks and other things that will hopefully be so interesting that it turns your hair blonde.
With the beginning of 2011 upon me, I reflected on my life.
I started thinking about my writing. Since no one wants to publish my shitty manuscripts, everyone always tells me that the only way I will escape the business world and achieve literary greatness is if I become a reporter.
This is a topic that I briefly explored in 2010.
The catalyst for my experimenting arrived when my friend told me he had inside information, like the type of inside information that sent HBGWHEM Martha Stewart to jail.
I took the inside information because cake makes people fat and I figured I’d rather be skinny in jail, than fat and free. Obesity is the worst prison there is.
The inside information was that hulu was tired of giving away episodes of “Human Target” and other piece of shit shows that no one really watches, for free. His source said that hulu would start charging money for the shows on some sort of subscription thing, sort of like how you pay for a year of Vogue, except, instead of getting this amazing magazine filled with HBGWHEMs every month, all you get with HULU Plus is all (?number?) of seasons of Human Target on demand. You don’t really need these episodes unless your life is really that shit that you need to watch Human Target on demand and if that’s the case then save your money for a bottle of Windex and drink that instead of getting hulu Plus. It’s cheaper and will probably make you feel better than an episode of Human Target.
I thought, “YESSS, this is my time to become a journalist. I will write a piece about this and then everyone will read it and I’ll get other jobs being a journalist, like Clark Kent. Maybe I will fuck someone that looks like Teri Hatcher, except not old and not brunette and with a better wardrobe and with better makeup and hopefully with a less creepy smile.”
I sat down at my computer and started thinking, “What should I call this article about hulu being cheap bastards and asking for even more money?” Then I found my title and instantly fell in love. The title also destroyed my dream of becoming a journalist.
That was the name of the piece I wanted to write. You can’t write a journalistic piece like that because journalists can’t be funny or acknowledge stereotypes of even make a comment on what is going on like, “What a bunch of greedy fucks those HULU guys are, am I right?” because apparently that’s editorializing and that’s not allowed in journalism. Plus, I’m pretty sure the only people that read HBGWHEM are jewish girls so I didn’t know if that would offend them or whatever.
After my hujew meltdown, I gave up on journalism, that is until NOW.
As you can see, there is now a Tips Line on the HBGWHEM page. It’s a place where you can go and send me information like, “I saw STAM at the airport and her eye makeup looked really good. Do you think she flies in an airplane like the rest of us or does she use her Victoria’s Secret wings to get from place to place?” or “If Liu Wen was blonde now, but still Asian, could she be a HBGWHEM? I’ve attached a photo of her at a deli for you to review.”
I’m not sure if you can attach photos to the Tip screen and I’m not sure if Liu Wen would dye her hair blonde and I’m not sure if an Asian can be a HBGWHEM, but the point is, this new tip line turned out to get me…. a tip!
One of the Wannabe’s contacted me about HGBWHEM 19.0, Gemma Lee!
If you haven’t caught up, catch up. Gemma Lee is the most famous musical act in the entire world (besides BritBrit, but that’s something, like, obvi). Ever since Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s realeased their debut single, “11 Year Old Us”, it has broken every record ever.
According to the information that I have read in Musical Industry Monthly magazine there was some sort of problem with the music industry because one of Mark Zuckerburgs friends created Napster and you could download any song ever. They made a movie about it called The Social Network that will probably win all the Oscars besides the lady Oscars because there probably weren’t any girls in the movie since it’s all about computers and the music industry. After I read about the music problem, the next magazine I got was like, “LOL JK. The music industry is fine. Gemma Lee saved us all and we made a bunch of money and now Napster costs money because they wanted to make sure that Gemma Lee gets paid for all her hard work.” If you don’t believe me, here is an old white person to repeat this information:
This doesn’t make for a very interesting Behind the Music on Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s so they had to jazz it up and it just so happened that someone jazzed in my “Tips” section! I looked at the tip jazz and it was from the singer of Gemma Lee and the Wannabes! She was really mad that she was the lead singer, but everyone was like, “Yeah, great whatever, we like the song because of (Find out what part of the song Gemma Lee was involved in and paste it here).” This made the wannabee very mad and she said she could give me information on Gemma Lee.
After a couple of gchats I was able to convince the wannabe to tell me some information she had. She told me, specifically about some computer information that only Gemma Lee or Zuckerberg or Zuckerberg’s Napster friend could get their hands on.
The wannabe refused to provide the information.
I said that I was a reporter, like Clark Kent, except I wouldn’t fuck Terry Hatcher like Clark did in Lois and Clark.
This seemed to earn her trust and I was given access to the wannabe’s hard drive.
I quickly found a folder entitled, “Top Secret; Don’t Leak This Because They Already Like Gemma Lee Way More Than Me And This Will Make Them Like Gemma Lee Even More And That’s, Like, Scientifically Not Possible, But Gemma Lee is Immune To Science.”
I clicked on the “Top Secret; Don’t Leak This Because They Already Like Gemma Lee Way More Than Me And This Will Make Them Like Gemma Lee Even More And That’s, Like, Scienfially Not Possible, But Gemma Lee is Immune To Science,” folder and…
Inside. Was. This.
Oh yeah, that’s right, I just leaked a photo of Gemma Lee as a BLONDE.
I told you I had exclusives. I’m like one of those mixtape DJ’s that gets the new Eminem song and then they scream all over it and do that thing where they are like, “Hold up! I don’t think they fuckin’ heard you! Bring that shit back!”
I was gonna write that on a picture, but I didn’t want to destroy the perfection that is Gemma Lee as a blonde!
After I found this, I was like, “Fuck your hard drive, you jealous wannabee, I would never leak information about a HBGWHEM,” and then wannabe was all like, “No, but wait! I’m a jealous whore.” That’s not an exact quote, but it distills the impression I got of the wannabee as she tried to take down Gemma Lee.
With the information that my instinct were corrects and Gemma Lee is a blonde, I felt like I had to leak the photo immediately since people were attacking me in my ask box for including a non-blonde HBGWHEM. Then I found some information.
I promised not to give out the source of who sent this classified information. No. Seriously. Not going to tell you. Not ever going to let you know who would do something this insensitive and leak personal stuff from Miley.
In the Tip Line thing was a video (not sure if you can really attach a video, hoping you can) and the video was this:
More leaks! Look at that, I’m like that creepbag guy who runs Wikileaks and seems to be really popular lately!
Miley had released the album of 2010 and she was pissed that Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s waltzed in right at the end of the year, before every blog puts together their “Best Of” posts and put out the best piece of music ever made!
I can understand Miley’s frustrations, her album fucking rules. All the songs are good, but she saw that she had to up the ante and it was either put out an awesome ass remix with a video pasted together with clips from her shit ass macbook, or to send me a picture of her vagina in my Tips section. She probably knew that I would just wank to the vagina pic and then fall asleep instead of leaking it so she went the way of the awesome remix.
I was listening to this a ton and then ANOTHER tip came into my Tip box.
This one was massive.
It was ground breaking.
It was earth shattering.
(Click the pic to enlarge for the full story)
I had no choice. When faced with a crisis of this magnitude, there’s only one HBGWHEM that can help.
JESS FUCKING STAM.
I called her and told her what happened and she sprang into action.
With that all resolved by the super pretty JESS FUCKING STAM, I just needed for Gemma Lee to do something so that Kate felt okay about her album not coming out. After all, Kate is the queen of HBGWHEM and you don’t just get JESS FUCKING STAM to call Kate and crush her dreams, even if it will save some overrated band of shitdicks with bad haircuts and wack music.
Gemma Lee was more than happy to help because she realizes that JESS FUCKING STAM went through a lot of trouble to make calls and she feels like she owes JESS FUCKING STAM because she saved tumblr and Gemma Lee has a really good and popular and cute and fun tumblr page.
So Gemma Lee posted a CUTE ROOM TOUR with one very extra special photograph…
This was included by Gemma Lee as a nod to Kate that says, “Sure, I may have saved the music industry, sure STAM may have crushed your dreams because she may or may not like the Beatles, but I’m Gemma Lee and I look up to you, Kate. My accomplishments are inspired, dedicated and only possible with Queen Kate.”
And all was well as 2011 began. A clean slate. A bunch of exclusive leaks getting me more followers. JESS FUCKING STAM with a massive cell bill for all that international calling from the USA to AUS to the UK.
As you can see, I am the greatest reporter ever. Even better than Truman Capote when he wrote that book and then they made a movie about the book and they made him BFFs with that lady who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird. I’m that good.