Head over to my Personal Blog for all my 2010 crushes
I will be someone’s plus one to your sham of a wedding. That’s how people always end up at parties they are uninvited to on Gossip Girl.
This would be the perfecttt time for me to bust out my frustrated Lara gif, but I don’t know how to make one of those because I’m very cool and don’t know computer things so please refer to :54 to :57 of the video below.
Okay, I know that I posted that thing like, “OHHH MYSTERIOUS, come back on the first of the year for my next blog and it will be a scandal and a half,” but then I’ve started watching this video from NYMAG over and over and I have to share it with you because my real life friends don’t get it and I know you will!!!! Or, if you don’t, at least you won’t be like, “Oh, I don’t like models besides the Victoria’s Secret Angels. Have U seen their Michael Bay commercial? It has a HELICOPTER,” because that’s what my real friends say and then I have to wish for a helicopter to crash into my house so I don’t have to live an additional moments with them in my life.
I have a bunch of pictures of Lara smoking. I don’t know why I like when she smokes so much, because blahblahhh aging, bad for you, eat a dick, cry about it; but I really like when she smokes. It started with a Polaroid pic of her smoking:
(Link compliments of the completely fantastic Anthesis … if you don’t follow her your life sucks)
And once I found all the Lara smoking pics, I moved onto Lara smoking videos. That’s when I found the NYMAG video. Now, when I can’t find anything to read and no one is on tumblr, I just watch the video. I’ve watched it a lot.
Well, here is the video:
Now you understand why I had to ruin all the hype of my next super secret New Years post about the leaked photo.
Lara has to be one of the most quotable models working right now.
Here is a transcript of the video.
Guy taking the video: Mehhh my hands aren’t shaking, I’m gonna try to make this about me.
LS: It’s because I quit drinking. (Hold on. Did this guy just discuss his own issues in front of me while I’m being all hot and smoking a cigarette? I hope he dies.) Wait, your hands or my hands?
Guy: (Shit, what the fuck does she care about my hands? I fucking suck.) You quit drinking?
LS: Mhhmm (Gonna start again because of you, ol’ shakyhands)
Guy: I quit for a month.
LS: (Who gives a shit?) I have six months.
I think I stole the orig from Jillian??? Either way, pic from LivingOffFashion ?
Guy: …they actually look really soft.
LS: *BEST WGAF BODY LANGUAGE EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* Can someone Gif this for me?
Lara notices another model offscreen.
LS: Why the fuck is she wearing those shoes for fun??
Lara shows the Guy how tall the shoes were.
A fat person walks down the stairs and Lara looks so frustrated with the mere fact that this woman can exist in the world. She closes her eyes and curls herself up in the most pure expression of disgust I have ever witnessed.
Lara finishes her cig and thus completes the greatest video on youtube.
i always get that. you don’t know how many mothers have told their children to stop hanging out with me because i was the ‘wrong element’, which, i think in white person speak means that i always look blunted or on E… when i typed that i didn’t mean children like children-children, i meant children like people’s grown sons and daughters. either way, i’ve lost a lot of friends and kept a lot of brain cells along the way. oh no! i just answered a not-question question. time warp.
I’m being careful here.
I don’t know about any laws except for the really popular ones like murder or stealing or don’t get high off your own supply, so I have to be careful that I don’t slander this awful “Cunt Bitch”.
I’m sorry if you’re offended by the phrasing “Cunt Bitch”, but if you are, I have to say, “‘Cunt Bitch’ pleaseeeeee.”
LINDSAY GOT BEAT UP.
*Sadface* *Sadface* Semicolon:
If offical documents say that someone is a “Cunt Bitch” then it’s not slander when I call them a “Cunt Bitch” right?
Honestly, I’ve been waiting a VERY long time to write a blog post that contains the phrase, “Cunt Bitch” and I thought that it would never happen. Remember when Charlie had, like a crippled dad or grandpa or maybe an uncle? His life was shitttyyyyy, but then he won a golden ticket and his dad uncle man was cured! It was amazing right?
Lindsay did that for me!
Lindsay was my first. She’s special. She’s magical. She’s a Hot Blonde Girl With Heavy Eye Makeup who loves…
Often, Lilo and I would be smokin’ a cig and we’d be like, “Cunt Bitch” is the future! “Cunt Bitch” should be the name of the new leggins line!!! We will sell eight million leggins. That would be a leggins world record. We might get a trophy. It would be like winning a BAFTA, except, instead of the trophy saying, “Awesome Job Pretending You Are Someone Else” it would say, “Cunt Bitch, best name for a leggins company ever!”
I love Lindsay. She is pretty, she dresses super well, she enjoys Coca Cola products like I do. She’s just all around great. I didn’t need a gift from her for Xmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) (but if you don’t celebrate christmas, kinda looking down on you as a person) but she gave me a chistmas gift anyway!
If you go to the HBGWHEM facebook page, you will see the full report from this “Cunt Bitch” who PUSHED LINDSAY.
I know. I know. I know. I know!
I hate you residents of California (except for the residents of California that follow me on tumblr, I love you resident of Cali who follows me, I want to go to your apartment and clean your coffee table and maybe groom your dog just to show you how caring I am, like LINDSAY.)
A “Cunt Bitch” pushed Lindsay.
As you can see from the document, it says, BlahBlahBlah, then Lindsay called me a “Cunt Bitch”.
Best incident report ever.
You can add that to anything and it gets better.
Here is probably what an incident report from, like a Dunk’n Donuts looks like, “Customer was dissatisfied by her coffee purchase and refused to pay for her coffee. Police were called to the scene, and, eventually, the woman was given the right order and paid for her coffee.” BORING ASS INCIDENT REPORT.
Now, enter Lindsay. “Customer was dissatisified by her coffee purchase and refused to pay for her coffee. Lindsay Lohan arrived at the scene and called the woman a “Cunt Bitch”. The woman was given her right order and paid for her coffee.” AWESOME INCIDENT REPORT.
North Korea is mad at South Korea for… ? Lindsay Lohan arrives and tells North Korea to stop being a “Cunt Bitch”. WAR OVER.
I just want to say…
Man, look at that, I got two .1’s in the same title. Tom runs the greatest blog about blonde people, besides all those millions of other blogs that actually have pictures of blonde girls, instead of 33 straight paragraphs of me talking about how great I am.
Maybe I’m just a little excited? Maybe I just found out that Gemma Lee; HBGWHEM19, just became AN INTERNATIONAL POPSTAR. That’s right, in (however many months it’s been since I wrote that really good piece on Gemma that tonsss of people clicked on) Gemma has been able to capitalize on her fame from being a HBGWHEM, and blossom into a full-on popstar. I’ve heard people say that Gemma is the Justin Timberlake of Australia. But then they are always like, “I mean the old JT, like the, ‘BritBrit broke my heart,’ guy. Not the super faggy N’SYNC JT or the, ‘I’m an actorrrrrr guysssssss forget about my jeri curlllllll,’ era JT that we have to suffer through now.”
I had to make up the name of the band because all of this is so new. I know that Gemma Lee is the leader of the band, but there is also another person(s) in the band so I’ve deemed them Gemma Lee and the Wannabes. Gemma Lee is the Gemma Lee part of the band and the rest of the band is the Wannabees. They don’t mind being called this, I’m sure, because every time they are hanging out with Gemma Lee, they’re all considered wannabe Gemma Lee’s anyways.
Without further stalling, I present to you the music video for Gemma Lee and the Wannabes – “11 Year Old Us”.
Tom is still investigating on if Gemma Lee is singing on the song or if she’s playing the music type parts. Calls to Gemma Lee’s agent were not returned or, if they were, it was just messages like, “Tom, what the hell is wrong with you?”
If she’s singing, Tom is going to say; The vocals really make the song. The inspirational message of the song seems to be the driving force. It starts off strong with lead singer, Gemma Lee, like, “It’s Gemma Lee on this mic and bitch I’m here to tell you, I’m the shit,” and then she’s here to tell us a bunch of other stuff. Even though the tempo of the song totally changes, Gemma’s vocals bring it all together. Without Gemma’s vocals, this band would be just another Australian band covering… Keith Urban songs?
If she’s playing the musical stuff, Tom is going to say: The musical shit really makes the song. The drum beat really drives the energy. The fact that Gemma Lee can also play the guitar or whatever that other instrument is, as she plays the drums, just shows how Gemma is way more talented than the singer. What is the singer eating a PBJ in the middle of this song? Someone get the lead singer an ice water because she’s messing up Gemma’s musical genius.
The public reaction to “11 Year Old Us,” has been explosive in Gemma Lee’s native Australia. Look at the Australian Billboard Top 10 Singles.
Gemma Lee and the Wannabes – 11 Year Old Us
Keith Urban – I get to Kiss Nicole Kidman.
Kylie Minogue – Tom Thinks I Might Be Australian, But I Might Just be British
Keith Urban – I’ve Seen Nicole Kidman Naked Too.
Hugh Jackman & Nicole Kidman – We Freed the Slaves in Australia, WTF Have You Ever Done?
Keith Urban – It was Awesome.
* People who accidentally spelled Gemma Lee and the Wannabees with 2 E’s and so they bought the single again because it sounded fucking awesome and they were tired of buying Keith Urban records. *
Keith Urban – Have You See The Hours? I’m Married to the Lady From That!
Mel Gibson – Smile and Blow Me
Kylie Minogue – Tom is Pretty Confident I’m Australian, He’s Almost Sure I am.
People might complain, “What’s with this video? It just looks like a black screen. We like Gemma Lee because of her good outfits. Where are the outfits??” and while we empathize with you, do you really think we could handle the infectious song, “11 Year Old Us,” combined with pictures of Gemma Lee? Not a chance. It would be like the Runaways without the lesbian looking bass player. Too much, too much.
Tom has been able to score an exclusive interview with Maddison Maxwell at Australian Billboard about the impact of Gemma Lee’s new single on the music scene. We’ve had a HBGWHEM intern transcribe the audio so you can read how the convo went down.
Tom: So how big of a record is the new Gemma Lee and the Wannabes song?
Maddison: Well, just to give you some perspective, the highest selling record in Australia is Keith Urban’s “Wanna Smell my Girl Hair” and it sold like 8 trillion copies because it was really catchy and he had that video where Hugh Jackman would smell his girl hair for, like three minutes and nineteen seconds or however long that classic Australian song was.
Tom: I feel like that was just a really long statement without saying Gemma Lee’s name.
Maddison: I was trying to make you wait to hear it.
Tom: You were inspired by Gemma Lee’s new video, right?
Tom: Well you’re not Gemma Lee, you’re just some wannabe from Australian Billboard.
Maddison:* Noise of a gun cocking and being inserted in her mouth. *
Tom: Maddison, I’m sorry that was harsh to remind you of these facts, I’m sure most wannabes find this topic to be sensitive.
Maddison: (Holding back tears) Okay, as I was saying, Gemma Lee and the Wannabes new single has already sold more copies than Keith Urban.
Tom: More copies than the Keith Urban song, ‘Wanna Smell my Girl Hair?’
Maddison: No, Gemma Lee and the Wannabes have sold more copies than EVERY Keith Urban song.
As evidenced by the Billboard figures and our interview with Maddison, Gemma Lee and the Wannabes are taking over Australia, so it’s only a matter of time before the record blows up over here in New Jersey. The last music video featured on HBGWHEMTV was Shanon Leto’s Hurricane and now, due to HBGWHEM’s exposure, it’s widely considered the best video of the year according to all those bullshit end of the year lists that every blog does because it’s no work and everyone will comment in the bottom section and you’ll get a million hits for doing nothing. You want to know HGBWHEM’s top 10 videos of the year
- Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us
Shanon Leto and the Leto’s – Hurricane
Gemma Lee and the Wannabe’s – 11 Year Old Us.
Keith Urban – Wanna Smell My Girl Hair?
Yess. Now that I have a year end top 10 and HBGWHEM19 was my post popular article of the year, I can effectively say, “LATER SLUTSSS I’LL BE HERE COLLECTING HITS ON MY BLOG. MIGHT ADD A GOOGLE THING THAT PUTS REALLY ANNOYING ADS EVERYWHERE TO MAKE TONS OF MONEY. Until then, stay hot, go blonde and panda your eyes.
(All pictures from http://gemmaleee.tumblr.com/ Add her, follow her, buy her upcoming record “Blonde on the Inside”.)
(Well, that one Keith Urban pic wasn’t from Gemma Lee’s tumblr, that was from http://itouchednicolekidmansboob.tumblr.com/)
Turns out it wasn’t Miley’s best friend Leslie doing the filming on that video that I tried to post in 20.1, but couldn’t figure out how to embed the code.
IT WAS THE STUNNING ANNA OLIVER.
This was like the exact opposite of that time I met that really nice girl at a bar in the city and then later I started to notice that she was pretty tall and then later later I noticed she had a 5’oclock shadow and I was like WAIITTTT I think I’ve misjudged this person. Anna Oliver entering my life was like a reverse trannying. It was that powerful.
ANNA OLIVER IS A HBGWHEM.
Please accept my apology.
Have you ever made a bad choice? Have you ever jumped to a conclusion? Have you ever accidentally called someone rank-ass Leslie when she was actually a beautiful pale flower of perfection?
Have you ever filmed-your super famous best friend doing something that could damage her career and taint her image in the public eye? Getting back on track, what I am trying to say is, we all make mistakes. You seem to be caring and forgiveful. Is forgiveful a word? Probably not, unless someone is describing you, Anna Oliver.
I’M SORRY ANNA. I have to admit, I didn’t know you were a person until I read about you on Gawker this morning.
Now I am doing my best to right my wrongs!
Oh, Anna Oliver, your twitter profile is suspended! I hope that I did not cause this to happen with my careless exposee piece from a couple days ago. How dare twitter? Your words should be projected to everyone. Maybe HBGWHEM will rent a building in NYC and not a shitty one on the triple digit streets, but instead a building in a nice place, and on the side of that building, we will project your words. We just won’t project the ones about “Documenting the shit out of this” because that’s not the focus here! Twitter might have silenced you, but Anna Oliver, we at HBGWHEM will give you a voice.
People are judging you. They are being mean. They are being me from back when I thought you were that dumb bitch Leslie and I didn’t realize that you do your makeup so good.
Since everyone is saying mean things, here are some things I love about you…
So, members of the HBGWHEM community, may this be a lesson to us all.
Do not judge a voice on a video until you are 100% sure she is some wack ass brunette girl and not a HBGWHEM.
Until next time, stay hot, go blonde and fix your eye makeup.
OH NO OH NO MILEY DID DRUGS WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I PROCESS THIS INFORMATION IN MY FRAGILE MIND???
I’ve never done Salvia before and I don’t know what Salvia does to you beyond making you feel like you see Liam Hemsworth, but do it in copious amounts of it if you ever want to be a HBGWHEM.
Look at what it’s done to HBGWHEM 20 Miley Cyrus.
BEFORE SALVIA (Taken from JustJared Nov 12th)
She’s all, “I feel sick and I’m sad that I don’t see my boyfriend anymore, I wish there was something that I could inhale to fix these problems.”
Then her best friend Leslie is like, “HEY IT WAS JUST MY BIRTHDAY AND MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME A (BAG?) OF SALVIA AND A VIDEOCAMERA! WE SHOULD USE THEM, ONE AFTER ANOTHER OR MAYBE POSSIBLY TOGETHER AND IT WILL HELP YOUR CLOTHES AND YOUR FEVER AND YOUR ACHY BREAKY HEART AND WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO LOSE THIS CREEPY BUSINESSMAN WHO IS LOOKING AT OUR BUTTS AND MAKING THAT WEIRD MOANY NOISE.”
So Miley was like, “Okay, fuck it, I feel like shit and I love videocameras and drugs that have a pretty solid underground following.”
So this happened:
Okay. It took way too long for me to find the video code for the Miley Cyrus video on the TMZ website so here is a dramatic reinactment of what happened.
The video is crappy and dark Miley has her top on *sadface* and she is chilling with a bunch of people who don’t have faces, they just have circleheads. They might be Aliens or maybe they are CGI. This might be a clip from a movie. One of the circleheads puts on a Bush song which might mean the Miley movie takes place in a post apocolyptic world where all music has been destroyed besides one Bush CD so they have to make due. Miley is holding a bong that someone has already chalked up and one of the circlefaces lites it and they are like, “Okay clear it,” but Miley really just puts her mouth on the bong and then moves it away so they are like, “Again!” and this time she gets a little smoke on the inhale. The circle faces are like, “Hold it in,” so Miley immediately blows it out. Then Leslie is like, “Hey, you should lay down for a bit and talk about this because I’m going to sell this video to TMZ so I can purchase an expensive purse with the money I recieve from them in exchange for this video.” Miley is like, “Worddd. I’m having a bad trip,” and then the guy next to her is immediately like, “NOOOOOO,” maybe because he worked really hard on the trip he planned for Miley and she was just confirming his suspecions that if Miley can’t be tamed then she certainly can’t be entertained by Bush records and inadiquate floor lamp light. Miley gets up off the sofa, maybe because she felt awkward about the trip comment and she’s like, “Is that fucking Liam Hemsworth?” because I’ve researched salvia and seeing Liam is how you know it’s working. She has a conversation with herself to affirm the possible Liam sighting and it goes, “Is that Liam Hemsworth? Is that the star of the popular tween film about my, I mean, the character Ronnie’s father getting cancer? Oh no! I just gave away the end to The Last Song! The dad has cancer! Yeah. I know. Right? Isn’t that the exact same plot as ‘Life As a House’? Who cares about Life as a House though, that didn’t have as good of actors as The Last Song and the main boy who played the character of the rebellious tween ended up ruining all the Star Wars movies. The only thing Last Song ruined was Greg Kinnear’s career, John Travolta’s beard’s career and Liam Hems- HEY that guy looks just like Liam Hemsworth!” No one seems to react to this. The circle face who planned the trip offers Miley some Frosted Flakes in the hope that it will salvage the bad trip. She seems to decline them. Leslie tells Miley to discuss how she feels on Salvia because Leslie wasn’t able to smoke it since her camera work is already shit and if she got high it would be even worse. Miley growls at a boy, then says, “J/K”, then I think she auctions something off.
Welp, sorry I couldn’t post the whole video, but I couldn’t figure out how to link it so if you go to the TMZ site, you can find it.
Today was the first time that Miley was seen publically since we went on a “Hemsworth” as they call it (Slyvia slang is going to be all the rage)
AFTER SALVIA (Taken from TMZ from today (12/12)
As you can see Miley looks fantastic! There is a clear correlation between her Salvia use and her hotness. You’re a gross brunette and your parents won’t let you dye your hair? The answer to your problem is simple! Smoke Salvia! Do you dress like a dumpy Vanessa Hudgens, but you don’t have money for new clothes? Buy some Salvia and smoke it, your black sweatpants will turn into whatever good pants Miley is probably wearing in this pic!
If you’re smart, you will say, “Yes” to Salvia, “No” to Frosted Flakes.
*And yes, I did see The Last Song since HBGWHEM 20.0. I gotta say, it’s not that bad. I even cried. Miley fights a racoon, gives Greg Kinnear cancer and the entire movie she sees Liam Hemsworth which leads me to believe it’s the best drug film since Fear and Loathing.
Until next time, bleach your hair, fix your makeup and smoke Salvia.
(EDITORS NOTE: The use of “brunette” in this blog does not purtain to HBGWHEM 19.0 or any of my lovely brunette followers. You all get more beautiful each day, it truly astounds me.)
There was once a blogging platform called tumblr, created by (probably someone Asian or Indian) and this blogging platform was considered to be the best (better than blogspot, way better than xanga, extra better than a geocities account that you made a html page, then just decided it was your blog even though it didn’t even have basic blogging features like tagging). Everything on tumblr was happy and Harry Potter and Mean Girls lived in perfect harmony.
Then the brunettes learned about it.
At, like, maybe it was the morning or maybe it was the evening yesterday, but whatever the time it was, I wanted to see some kittens and pictures of blonde people doing nice stuff like drinking coffee or smoking a cigarette or maybe tugging their t-shirt up a little bit so you could see their ribs or something perfect like that.
Instead I got a message that was all, “WE MISPLACED OUR DATA PACKETS THINGYS AND WE CAN’T FIND THEM AND BUT WE’LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE”. As soon as I saw this, I knew what was up. Brunettes found out about tumblr and destroyed it like they have destroyed things in the past. Here is a quick review of things brunettes have ruined:
1700s? Ceaser - Rome
1990 - Sofia Coppola - Godfather Part III
1999 - JC Chasez - N’SYNC
2003 - G.W. Bush - America
2009 - A bunch of brunette porn sluts - Tiger Wood’s Marriage
20010 - Anon Brunettes - Tumblr
How did the brunettes knock out tumblr for all of 2010 (okay, maybe it wasn’t all of 2010, but I’m rounding up)?
They messed with the database clusters.
“What does that mean?” I had one of my blonde friends ask me and I was like “Exactly! Exactly! You and I mind our own business! We just relax on tumblr, think about how attractive we are, tumblr some pictures of Anna Selezneva and then maybe click the lil heart on someone’s post because it sounds like they might try to hang themselves with their thong and we’d really miss their tumblr posts if they were gone.”
Do the brunettes use tumblr like this?
They violate databases. They misplace clusters. They put up vague messages like, “Oh, back in a flash!” and then they don’t come back for like 29 hours. You know how in the movies, when the girl wakes up after crazy sex, she looks over and the guy is gone and she makes that face like, “Oh no, used like a bus station skank again,” but then she sees a note that says something like “Out of coffee, back in a couple,” and she waits and like a scene later, he’s back with coffee. Imagine if he left the “back in a couple” note and then was gone for 29 hours! Imagine if during that 29 hours, the girl couldn’t look at kittens or mittens or even pictures of Abbey Lee, unless she google imaged them, but have you been to google images lately? It’s a MESS. I bet a brunette is in charge of the database clusters there.
Let’s look at the positives now though. Tumblr is back. The database is re-clustered and once again I get to come here and I can see everything that inspires all of you.
I missed you, people I follow and followers.
If the brunettes attack again, remember, stay hot, stay blonde and redo your makeup in the ladies room to make sure it’s perfect.
…on the side of my page above the people I follow and I’m the only one who has clicked it so far and i think it’s probably already implied that i think i’m a genius sooooo…
At the store today.
Walked by a Barbie display.
Physically stopped in front of the display.
Looked at all the Blonde Haired models of female perfection that will be hopefully indoctrinating the youth into thinking that they will only be pretty if they are skinny and blonde.
Barbie is a lovely public service campaign, like that World AIDS Day thing where we pay to keep the very un-blonde Kim Kardashian off twitter or whatever.
Something wasn’t right about the Barbies.
Genuinely thought, “That whore Barbie is stealing Nicki Minaj’s style.”
I need to move to the suburbs.