Kanye West made a video for his critically acclaimed album “My Dark and Twisted Fantasy and There Might Be Another Part of the Title That Tom Forgot But The Internet Is Really Bad At His Parents House So He Can’t Google It Without It Taking Forever and He Already Has That Video of Those Kitties Getting In a Fight to Orchestral Music Loading in a Different Tab and He Doesn’t Want to Accidentally Close It.” The album is widely regarded as the “Years Best” except for here at HBGWHEM, where last week we picked Miley’s album as the album to purchase (if you only have $9.99 to spend for your entire year on music). Please don’t steal Miley’s album. Brett Michaels already stole her mommy so she doesn’t need any more thievery going on in her life.
The Kanye video (HBGWHEM 17.0) was really long and now I guess that is the standard for videos (30+ minutes) or your album won’t be critically acclaimed. The Paramore inspired rock band, 30 Seconds to Mars took note of this with their new video. They realized that being a female fronted bad was hard enough, they didn’t want to make things even worse for them by putting out a video that’s only like 7 minutes because everyone would collectively agree that they aren’t dedicated to their craft.
Enter “Hurricane”, a 13 minute video, mainly starring Shannon Leto who is the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars. I will warn you she is topless for a good deal of this video. Please do not watch this video before work or if you are holding a baby or if you are at work, holding a baby and your dad was killed during a bondage accident and you’re still a little sad about it.
The video for Hurricane starts with a sub heading that says, “This is Not Reality” and it’s probably there because there is one part where Shannon Leto gets hit in the chest with a sledgehammer and I doubt anyone would want to do that in reality to her. I’m getting ahead and that was a minor spoiler alert so I’ll go in order.
Chapter One: Birth begins the video and it’s a really rainy day in Manhattan. At first I was worried that Shannon Leto was going to be knocked up because of the chapter name, but when they show her, she’s fine. She’s laying in bed, TOPLESS and her blonde mullet is growing out so you can see her roots. She has a pet mouse that is white. There is a knock at the door and the mouse looks scared so he runs in place and then randomly someone from the Matrix gets whipped in the potty. It cuts back to Shannon and she gets the door and sees a bunch of pictures on the ground. Everyone knows about Shannon’s ego so she squats down to pick up the pictures and it’s just a bunch of snapshots of her topless in bed and they seem to make her pretty horny. This is a good time to say that Shannon Leto doesn’t look very sexy topless, she has the body of p!nk. A guy wearing a gimp mask appears in the hallway and he’s holding a sledgehammer and Shannon Leto looks pretty pissed like, “Come on dude, I called Hotel maintenance like 3hrs ago so that you could sledgehammer down my wall and open things up a bit with some natural light. Do you realize I’ve been in here taking pics of myself while I pretended to sleep for like 2 hours straight?” Shannon doesn’t seem up to this conversation at all, I guess the moment had passed for when Shannon was in the mood to remodel so she holds the doors shut and is like “I don’t want to take down the wall anymore. I had second thoughts! I moved a floor lamp in here and now everything is fine.” Then she jumps out the window, slowly.
When Shannon Leto lands on the ground, she is still topless and she’s like “Oopsies, someone is making a lot of Nip Slip blogs tomorrow” and then they cut to something that is censored so I’m going to assume that it’s a picture of Shannon’s vagina. She really seems to be letting loose on this video because she couldn’t afford a giant paper mache head of MJ like Kanye’s budget allowed.
Next we get a bunch of scenes with (who cares) and (who cares) as they ride a motorcycle and take the path train. (who cares) crashes his motorcycle and I guess the lady he borrowed it from got super mad so she stabs him and he’s like “I don’t think so bitch” and he pulls the knife out of his tummy and tosses it really slowly in the air, but we don’t see where it lands so I’m gonna assume that the lady got out of the way because, seriously, the knife was flying in the air for like 27+ seconds and she could have easily moved out of the way.
To break things up, Shannon Leto meets her GF and they have kinky lesbo sex.
Meanwhile (who cares) got super drunk in NYC and he can’t find his way home because the trains are all expresses and he needs local. Some guy brings a lady who is dressed like a black bunny out of the subway. She seems to be on a really bad first date. Both of them are like “eharmony couldn’t have been more wrong about you. This sucks.” (who cares) punches the dude on the bad date and he’s like “Okay, offically worst date ever.” and (who cares) gets the bunny girl and she kisses him a key and he’s like “Nice, awesome or whatever, but I could really use your metrocard more than this key so could you kiss me a metrocard in a suck and blow type way?”
She doesn’t kiss (who cares) a metrocard. Sucks, right?
Then there is a misplaced unnecessary religious scene just to remind you that Shanon Leto thinks she’s god.
Shannon Leto has more lesbosex and she stares at the camera a lot, probably because she can see her reflection in the viewfinder thingy.
After boning, Shannon Leto shows up, still topless to some sort of statement, probably on the war, where there are a bunch of coffins with flags on them. Shannon seems to be looking to see if she can make a shirt out of the flags bc she is nipping pretty major and then this is the part where she gets hit with a sledgehammer and she lands in one of the coffins, very slowly.
A french lady says something while twins in pasties do aerobics. I don’t speak french, but I think it translates to “Shannon Leto can’t find a shirt and now she’s gonna have a wicked bad bruise from that sledgehammer”. They added this part probably because the video is too complicated for the French and they need help understanding it.
Suddenly (who cares) is feeling better after being stabbed so he goes to the park, probably looking for a “gay tryst”, but he only finds a lady and she gives him a handy and he ejacs a key and then fights some guys who are dressed like animals.
We’re back at Shannon and she’s still topless, still in the coffin and she turns her lighter on and is like “Oh, not cool.” but then she sees she doesn’t have a bruise so she’s pretty happy about that and she peaces from the coffin.
Then some asians have sex.
(Who cares) finds a book and he uses his key to open it. There is a piece of paper in the book. On the piece of paper, it says, “You’re GAY. Lol.” and he’s all like “Efff you guys.” I think this part was meant to be comic relief after the graphic Asian sex where the one girl touches the other girls butthole.
(Who cares) has left the park and he finds a piece of modern art and he looks at it with a mean expression and it’s obvious he loves motorcycles and handjobs in the park, but HATES modern art. He seems like a pretty regular guy.
Then some lesbo does a dance with feathers, probably because the Kanye video had feathers too and so now that’s what you need to do for a good album. She has dark hair and it’s short. Ga Ross.
Then we get to Chapter 3: Death. I’m not sure when chapter 2 started or what it was called, but it was probably like Chapter 2: The Tween Years.
Shannon Leto finds a bunch of lil kids doing graffiti like little badasses. She’s okay with it. She cuts off her blonde hairrrrrr!! Then has some more lesbian sex. Then one of the (who cares) brothers dies in a club. No one seems to care.
A guy shaves off his eyebrows, Terry Richardson shows up and he’s all, “If Shannon is off getting sledgehammered somewhere, I’m not waiting around, I have NYC storefronts to photograph for my tumblr.” and (who cares) is like, “No worries, she will be here. Btw, that pic you took of that guy peeing in his own mouth is rockin’, Shannon really feels like that picture defines her as a person.”
Then the video ends with a bunch of outtakes and footages they couldn’t put anywhere else.
In conclusion, 30 Seconds to Mars have finally proved that they are the best female fronted band in rock music today and all it took was 13 minutes of bondage and lesbosex