Before the background area of my blog turned into a big giant whorefest for my failure of a debut novel, my blog had a background of Taylor Momsen’s face.
You: “Why was Taylor Momsen the background of Hot Blonde Girls With Heavy Eye Makeup?”
You: Don’t look at me like that, Tom. I’m not the fucked up one here. Lets get that straight. Frankly, I’m worried about you.
Me: Because Taylor Momsen might not join me in heaven like I originally planned?
You: That’s not why I was worried, but that statement makes me feel additional worry, compounded atop the already mounting fears I have about your general wellbeing.
Me: So you’re saying that you’re going to be the Sam to my Dean as we save Taylor Momsen’s soul?
*I powerwalk away before you can answer*
Taylor Momsen is in a band called The Pretty Reckless. They make videos that “rock hard” and get me “rock hard.” Taylor Momsen used to be on the Gossip Girl, until Blair banned her from all of Manhattan and her dad fucked her brother’s girlfriend’s mom, whose ex-husband’s son happened to take Jenny’s v-card. Typical upbringing, a story I think we all can relate to.
Taylor left Gossip Girl after it’s fourth season which was undeniably pretty, yet failed to live up to the recklessness that Taymom demanded in her contract with the CW.
After Gossip Girl, Taylor started her band The Pretty Reckless.
The Pretty Reckless has a new album called “Going to Hell.”
As a good little irish Catholic boy, I can’t be purchasing an album called, “Going to Hell.” I respect Tay’s artistic freedom, but honestly I don’t want to be floating up to heaven one day and suddenly I hear The Pretty Reckless and I think that Taymom is playing a “welcome to eternity” concert, but then St. Peter is chillin’ by the gates with a boombox and a super long extension cord, and he’s like “How do you explain the $9.99 you spent at Best Buy to get ‘Going to Hell’ and I’ll be like noooooooo and then my Best Buy purchase will land me in hell next to the creepy ~other members~ of The Pretty Reckless that aren’t Taylor Momsen.
Can we talk about the ~other members~ of The Pretty Reckless?
If hypothetically there was a database of individuals who had been convicted of a certain non-violent crime, these guys would all be in said database. You can imagine the movie version of getting these guys in the band? That bald guy from Avengers (who died, but now is back alive and on TV?) and Sam Jackson look up all these different scamps and they find them in, like, I don’t know Guitar Center or in the bathroom carefully sculpting their facial hair and they recruit them for Taymom’s band.
I figured it out.
The guys in The Pretty Reckless actually think they’re in Nickleback and they all believe that Taylor Momsen is Avril Lavigne, the lead singer’s wife.
Anyway, back to the album title. That title is bad. It’s really bad. The only way it could be worse is if the album was called “The Pretty Reckless - Let Me Tell You About The Church of Scientology”
Lets face it, I’m not a marketing guru. The sales of my last novel prove this fact. Regardless, the album needs a new title if it’s going to be commercially accepted by people who have learned who to express themselves in ways beyond tattooing stuff to their body.
I’ve prepared some alternate album titles for Taymom’s new record:
Going To… Order Pizza.
Going To… Taymom’s House.
Going To… Ban You From Manhattan.
Going To… Leave a Show That’s Trying to Find Its Footing After a Rocky 4th Season.
Going To… Buy The New Sky Ferreira CD Instead.
Going To… Religious Education Class (We get to miss the last period Geometry to go there because there is some sort of bizarre church and school separation where it can’t seem like the school is co-signing the religious education thing, even though the religious education building is closer than the soccer field, but at least we don’t have to walk far if it’s, like, raining or humid.)
Taylor Momsen, deep down, is a kind girl.
Taymom’s people use her twitter account to retweet Pretty Reckless related “art” made by “fucked up tweens,” which seems kinda altruistic. Kinda. If only she crafted her message better. “Going To Pizza” would make people go to pizza and no one ever got kicked out of heaven for pizza (except anyone who makes pizza square, like what exactly do you expect me to hold onto when your stupid pizza slice is an island? I mean, come on.)
Speaking of trending topics, Taymom once showed up to an event without makeup and she looked not well and I started the trending topics like #prayfortaymom and #WashedOutIsAChillBandButABadLookForAFace. The most popular of my trending topics was #justicefortaymom but a ton of people misspelled her name when they tweeted it.
Before you get too down about Taymom, it’s important to remember she usually flashes the crowd and has electrical tape over her nipples. That rules. That can stay. More of that.
To promote the album “Going To Hell” they needed a fist single so the convicts in the band got together and they had a brainstorming session. Ten minutes in, it turned into a session where they covered Nickleback’s “When We Stand Together” so Taymom was forced to name the first single the same title as the album.
I watched the new Pretty Reckless video for their first single. It’s just really quick editing of, like snakes and gross looking guys with long hair. It looks like they edited Taymom into one of those shows on basic cable like “Duck Dynasty”. I don’t know what happens on Duck Dynasty, but you can’t tell me old perverts, snakes, guitar solos, dingy basements, and editing to make boring stuff look mildly interesting, isn’t a part of the show.
The whole video is pretty blah and literally nothing happens. If you had to summarize the plot of the video, you’d be like “Uh, Taylor Momsen, ya know, is in a band and has a pet snake. Her mom gave her some pocket money so she got some contacts from Hot Topic that make her eyes look white. She kinda regretted it and wished she bought that Drake t-shirt with the money, but Hot Topic doesn’t take returns on contact lenses that have already been put on an eyeball so she had to just deal with her decision and when her mom is like ‘Taytay what did you get at the mall?’ she’s like ‘fuck off, mom. I didn’t ask to be some child actor puppet.’” I think that’s probably something they will add to the Vevo description at the bottom of the video soon.
Taymom doesn’t seem very into the video or any of this stuff and I think after like fifty Hail Mary’s and maybe a Stations of the Cross or two, she and I will be back on track to celebrate the Lord.
In fact, don’t watch the Going To Hell video. If you REALLY want to see a video of Taymom, watch this.
I have nothing left to say.
Heavily Eye Makeuped princess.
Honestly I’m getting a little teary/horny watching the video.
Yes, Taylor’s album is called going to hell, but I have something up my sleeve.