Heavy Eye Makeup Isn’t A Trend, It’s a Basic Human Right
Recently, a high profile decision affecting all Americans was handed down by the Supreme Court.
The decision was that your employer doesn’t have to pay for birth control under Obamacare.
Apparently, the case was brought about by something called “The Hobby Lobby.” All of this was brought to the forefront of my consciousness because of tumblr being angry. When tumblr is angry, I’ve sort of just learned to accept it. It’s like if you’re in a car ride with your girlfriend and she gets mad because you will only let her listen to Ashlee Simpson’s Autobiography for the entire trip, over and over, as you drive from New Jersey to California. She better just learn to deal with it and maybe she’ll grow as a person along the way. That’s my relationship with tumblr.
From what I gathered, Hobby Lobby is a place where none of the employees would ever get laid so Hobby Lobby was like, ”We don’t want to cover birth control on our insurance plan because we are all lonely and we couldn’t even sketch what reproductive organs look like. We think the lady’s thingy might look like a flower and the man one might look like a banana?”
The government was like, “Yeah, u ain’t gettin’ none tonight,” and they might have sited that quote from all star rapper Lil’ Zane’s classic song, “None Tonight.” It’s a well known fact that most US policy is made based on Lil’ Zane lyrics. That is why living in America is great. Would you prefer to live in Canada where all policy is based on Drake lyrics? There aren’t even prison sentences there. The prosecuting attorney’s entire case is based on crooning, “I’m just sayin’ you could do better,” to the criminal.
We must respect the decision of the Supreme Court because, according to my US Government teacher Mr. Hunter, it’s the highest court in the land (it’s also probably the name of a street basketball team with at least one 5’8” white guy who is sponsored by the possibly now defunct clothing line And 1).
The internet disagreed with the supreme court and they feel that
birth control should be covered under health insurance, which I agree with, because if I ever accidentally make a kid, it will be like a living breathing regret. I would have to name it “Regret Reagan,” and it would have a promising Brooklyn music career later on, but considering that it would have to wait until the 17 years of ridicule was through before it could achieve artistic success, maybe Regret would have too much baggage to make quality art and he ultimately would just have a highly bloggable name with nothing substantial to back it up.
I know that sometimes it doesn’t seem like I’m very politically informed. But my name is T/James Reagan. Do you recognize that last name? Ya, you do. He was our president during the 80’s and I’m not sure if you’ve seen music videos from the 80’s but it seems dope as fuck so Grandpa Reagan pretty much slayed it when it come to politics and now I’m ready to make him proud and start my own law.
I am happy that this conversation is currently happening regarding what health insurance plans should cover because I am currently an internet activist. i-ctivist is what we call ourselves. We attempt to change policy via blind rage and highly rebloggable text posts filled with self righteous indignation and occasionally tasteful memes (no owl memes, we are being serious here and owl memes are a good way to get banned from i-ctivism for at least 2 blog years). Right now, ictivism has turns its “i” (get it, like you thought I was going to say eye, but due to the term I was able to do a play on words/letter) to healthcare’s failure to supply the mothers, daughters, sisters and Jewish American Princesses of the world with their birthright, makeups!
The patriarchy has created a culture where makeup is considered a luxury and not a basic human right. That should make you sick. How dare men decide that all women aren’t entitled to a simple and elegant tool that allows them to look so good every guy and girl in the area starts spurting like a malfunctioning hot glue gun in the Hobby Lobby.
I am a taxpaying citizen. I pay tens of thousands of dollars in taxes a year, and I have no idea where that money goes. I don’t like war, but the cash Uncle Sam takes goes to war and I understand that it’s necessary to have a military so Americans will be protected. I’m okay with that part of my taxes. I’m guessing other parts go to public assistance to help people who can’t afford food get food. That seems like a good thing. I like the idea that a mommy or daddy didn’t have to send their child to bed hungry. SO WHY CAN’T WE DO THAT WITH MAKEUP. If we are making sure little Cindy has poptarts, why can’t we make sure that she looks like Cindy Lou Hoo circa Gossip Girl years?
Thousands of girls just like dear Gemma are currently suffering from broken, cracked, dried and depleted makeup palettes. For only pennies a day, you can change a girl’s life by getting her some cute makeup. This is not a high cost. Think about the other bullshit that the government spends money on. The other day, my friend was like, “I hate when people say NASA is a waste of money when it’s literally only $900 million dollars of taxpayer money. That is a tiny fraction of the national budget,” and I was like “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FUCKING MAKEUP YOU CAN BUY FOR $900 MILLION DOLLARS. I COULD HAVE EVERY GIRL OUT HERE WALKING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE COURTNEY STODDEN WITH THAT TYPE OF CASH.”
What I’m proposing is simple.
"What are you proposing, Tom?"
“It’s simple. We, uh, kill NASA”
Hear me out.
I mean, think about it. We are only going into space so we can find aliens because we might be able to enslave them and no one would care besides tumblr. We could put the aliens to work while we spent the entire day high fiving and drinking Old Milwaukee like we always wished we could.
This is all predicated on the fact that we would be stronger than the aliens. All oppressors, throughout time, used their strength to steal and destroy and enslave. The only time the weaker people every got out from under was when we threw a bunch of Starbucks in the harbor and England was like, “Man, I can’t even fuck with you no more if you keep pulling shit like that. You know how much that Chi cost? More than your outfit.”
There’s a chance that we won’t be able to ruin the aliens’ Starbucks’. I’m not talking ruining a Starbucks like your name is Katherine, but the barista puts Kathleen on the cup and you’re like, “WTF LOLOLOLOL DATS NOT MY NAME, INSTAGRAMMIN DIS SHT FOR PPL TO SEE A MINOR MISSPELLING OF MY NAME.” I’m using “ruin their Starbucks” as a metaphor because I don’t think there are Starbucks’ in space since it seems like we built all of the locations on my block.
Let’s imagine the aliens get here and they see a bunch of girls all like “I woke up like this” with no makeup, even though the aliens are pretty sure they’re at least wearing mascara and foundation.
This is how it would end for the world:
Now let’s imagine that an extremely powerful race of Martians comes down and invades the earth. If all Americans are wearing cute makeups and sometimes doing a duck face because it makes our properly blushed and contoured cheekbones pop, the Martians will be like, “AW SHIT, EARTH IS POPPIN’. LET’S NOT TAKE OVER THIS PLACE, LET’S LEARN NOW TO COVER OUR MASSIVE BRAINS WITH HEAVY, BUT EXPERTLY APPLIED MAKEUP.” Then, like, Sephora would have a really really good fiscal quarter.
Want to take a look how the aliens would react if they landed on earth and walked out of their spaceship to find that all the people of earth were looking fresh faced and dewy?
UR CHOICE AMERICA. EITHER U START PAYING FOR GIRLS MAKEUP OR YOU GET YOUR BRAIN LASERED OUT BY ALIENS.
Give me qt makeups or give me big sunglasses ~ George Washington’s wife, who was probably named like Elanor or something.
Under HBGWHEM’s Law, EVERYONE who wanted makeup would get what they needed to look their cutestest. White/Black, Man/Woman, Straight/Gay, Trans/Bill Kaulitz- EVERYONE would be covered. Even white girls with dreads. No one will be forced to wear makeup. Everyone will have a choice. There will be no “national makeup” requirements. If your eyebrows are thin, go ahead and fill them in. If you have no top lip, get your lip liner on. If you have huge pores… well you’re fucked. I mean come on there is no makeup that is really good for huge pores and honestly if my pores get any bigger I will be able to eat through them.
That leads us to Research & Development. This will provide jobs for thousands of Americans. We will become the premiere makeup innovators in the world. Steve Jobs innovated by his Mac brand, maybe it’s time for a new MAC to take over the reins. I mean, fuck, we’ve been getting the same iphone over and over again. Some loser who isn’t Steve Jobs will come out in the press conference and he’ll be like, “I know this shit looks literally exactly the same, but we doubled the core processor thing,” and I’m just like “Give me a front camera that can take selfies that don’t make me look like a mudpuddle. Can you do that non-Jobs?” America will innovate new makeups under HBGWHEM’S Law and hopefully my pores won’t look shitty when the Martians come because otherwise they will be like, “Your face looks familiar, it looks like the face of our planet. Bumpy and dry as fuck.”
America is ready for a comprehensive makeup healthcare plan and I will vote for anyone who can make this happen.
WAKE UP AMERICA. SHE DIDN”T WAKE UP LIKE THAT. IT’S MAKEUP. HELP HER PAY FOR IT. WE WILL ALL WIN. *eagle soars through fireworks then drops a pizza in your lap.*
So remember what JFK said after he finished giving ol’ Marilyn Monroe the D, “Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you to get rid of dark under eye circles and uneven skin tone.”
God Bless and good night.