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HBGWHEM 44.3 #THEDAPHENING by t/james reagan

    I’m sure you’ve heard that recently some photographs have leaked onto the internet that are starting a LOT of important discussions. 

    These leaks were super sexy and almost brought the internet to a halt. Not everyone is thrilled about these leaks though. Many people feel that it’s unfair to women everywhere to have these pics out there, on the internet, setting unrealistic standards and perpetuating the idea of the “perfect woman.”

    The internet has christened the leak of these pictures as #TheDaphening 



   I was first alerted to #TheDaphening by a leaked picture of Daphne, appearing out of the darkness, handbag full of her fashion weapons hanging in crook of her arm. I realized the bby got my letters, got my e-mails, got my instagram comments, and she finally felt ready to break her two season long ban from the fashion Industry. 

   The picture, apparently hacked from a HeavenCloud, turned out to be just the beginning of what was in store for us. A hacker, known simply as “NYWomenMgmt” released additional pics over fashion week. A second version of the leaked Daphne pic was found to contain a cryptic message.      We will post it here exclusively:


   This leak was the first picture we had seen of Daphne since her two season ban was imposed by the National Fashion League.

   It’s important to review this ban because it’s been very controversial. The backstory on it is that Daphne scored a Dior Addict campaign and her Dior Addict video became the centerpiece in an investigation that was conducted by the National Fashion League.

     HBGWHEM exclusively reached out to the president of National Fashion League, Jaden Smith, to see when exactly he got footage of the Dior Addict commercial.


HBGWHEM: When exactly did you receive the Dior Addict commercial?

Jaden: I’ve never seen that commercial before.

HGBWHEM: But you must have known what happens in the commercial? You suspended Daphne for 2 seasons based on these allegations so you must have known what goes on in the video.

(We play Jaden the tape.)

HBGWHEM: As you can see clearly from the video, that is Daphne Groenveld slaying your favs.

Jaden: The National Fashion League was aware that Daphne was slaying our favs and that’s why we suspended her for two seasons.

HBGWHEM: When Gemma Ward slayed like this at McQueen, she received a lifetime ban. Why would you only ban Daphne for two seasons?

Jaden: As I said, once we received word about the Dior Addict commercial, it became more clear the severity in which Daphne slayed my favs. 

HBGWHEM: Why did it take you so long to get this footage? Dior said they sent a copy. 

Jaden: How could I see the tape if our eyes aren’t real?

     Warning, HBGWHEM is posting the tape in its entirety below. The footage you are about to see is highly cute and it will make your entire day better as a result. Please be aware that HBGWHEM is not responsible for your face being stuck in a permanent smile after watching this shocking footage.

   As you can see, this is pretty powerful footage and I’m almost sure that Jaden and the National Fashion League had seen this video, but they are complacent in Daphne’s slaying. Yes, there are allegations of league-wide leniency regarding this scandal. Right now the fashion industry is worried that this Dior Addict tape is a sign of something more severe. Many responsible internet feminists have noted an epidemic of a problem in the league- Daphne is encouraging women to become Dior addicts. In another piece of recently released footage, we see that the young and beautiful Russian HBGWHEM, Sasha Luss, is now a Dior addict as well. is the footage of Sasha Luss mimicking Daphne. As the bloggers have pointed out, one has to question if Daphne’s influence is forcing these young girls to get addicted to Dior. An addiction to Dior can not only be expensive, but is also a major problem because Raf is one of the biggest bores ever to work in the industry. Once these girls become addicted to Dior, they will be seen walking the street in clean, overpriced, simple garments that look the same season after season. 

   Jaden Smith has assured us that the National Fashion League’s investigation into Daphne slaying our favs is ongoing and he also notes, “Dior spelled backwards is Roid.” Jaden, with this steroid correlation, is possibly implying that Daphne might cause Dior to be added on the National Fashion League’s “banned substances” list in the near future.

   It’s important to return to the pics that were leaked during #TheDaphening. These pictures show are NSFW assuming that your work doesn’t like you looking at IRL angels all day long instead of finishing your reports.


    Here’s Daphne being perfect for a streetstyle shot, wearing the same thing she wore at Vera Wang. She’s not supposed to wear these pieces out to the street after she finished walking, but I imagine that the situation went something like this.

Vera: “Daphne, you looked great!”

Daphne: “I still do.”

Vera: “U right, U right.”

Daphne: “Okay. Bye.”

Vera: “Bye?”

*Daphne walks out wearing a piece of the runway collection*


    At Marc Jacobs, all of the models circled this giant weird house and everyone was like, “Why is this house here?” and it made no sense and the collection looked rushed and the fits were non-existent and the wigs were terrible, no one felt good about the situation until the front door opened and there was Daphne! Daphne emerged from the house and apologized to the crowd for the collection and she didn’t keep anything because it was all Marc Jacobs. 

   Here’s a leaked picture of Daphne at Carolina Herrera.


   As you can see from the background, once the other models saw that Daphne was walking Carolina Herrera they immediately GTFO because they knew that they could not compete with Daphne’s beauty and they all went to eat full pizzas and fill out financial aid forms so they could go back to college now that Daphne had returned to replace them. “Maybe I will become a dental hygienist,” one model said, then used a grease stained napkin to wipe up her tears before they fell onto the last slice of pizza.

    Speaking of tears…image

   Here’s Daphne at Anna Sui. No, that’s not jewely near her eyes, those are genuine tears. The rumor is that someone had a very reflective phone case and when they lifted their phone to capture Daphne’s beauty, she saw her reflection and was moved to tears. Since the entire audience was crying at Daphne’s beauty this moment was camouflaged and no one made a big deal about it, but the amount of tears shed at Anna Sui were Gosling/McAdams level. The was like The Notebook 2, but as a one woman show where Daphne was all the characters.

   Here’s a leaked #Daphening photo of Daphne at Jason Wu.


   Note the necklace she’s wearing. This is not only an accessory for the collection, it’s also a tracking device that constantly sends a GPS signal reporting where Daphne is so we never lose her ever again. 


   In this leaked photo from Oscar De La Renta, Oscar took a stand against Daphne’s radiant beauty. Unwilling to compete with a Daphne at full power, he forced Daphne to wear sandals, then fashioned a table cloth into clothes.

   After the ODLR show, the international price of a picnic blanket raised 4400% percent from 19.99 to whatever 4400% of $19.99 is, I can’t find the calculator on this windows 8 laptop. Why the fuck did they take away the start button? I clicked on the little window at the bottom left of the screen and it started playing Netflix, which didn’t help me with the math, but did help me conclude that this Gwyneth Paltrow / Marc Ruffalo movie rightfully didn’t receive a wide theatrical release despite a talented cast. 

    Everyone is picnicking post Daphne OLDR. You’re probably reading this shit while on a picnic right now. If your boyfriend doesn’t take you in a picnic, that means he’s picnicking with some other ho, and you’re nothing but his side-picnic.

    Perfect bby Daphne was gracious about the leaks, stopping to speak with any reporters who wanted to get the scoop on how she spent her fashion ban. Here’s just one of the many interactions from Fashion week.



   Despite the controversy surrounding #TheDaphening, I think we can all agree, as a unified world, that Daphne’s return has filled us with so much joy and happiness. A thousand emoticons couldn’t express how good it felt to see Daphne back on the runway. Daphne reappearing was truly NYFW’s finest moment and a reason to wear a big ol’ Daphne-smile at a time when the world seems so angry and scary. 


   Welcome back, Daphne. We missed you.


If you enjoyed this piece, then you should check out my novels, available for $3.99, here->

T/James Reagan is the author of Empire Waste, a novel about the NYC fashion industry, and Famous For Nothing, a celebrity blogging satire.

HBGWHEM 57.0- Heavy Eye Makeup Isn’t A Trend, It’s a Basic Human Right

My new novel came out at the beginning of this month. It’s called Empire Waste. 

You can buy it here for $3.99.

You can click here to read more about it.

The book is about the fashion industry, and my creative process, and pain.

HBGWHEM 11.1: InstaJan- January Jones’ Hot Blonde Instagram


    Remember that time you were like, “Tom, you forced me to buy a smartphone so I could read HBGWHEM at all times, but now you never update HBGWHEM.”
    And I was like, “I know, I’m sorry, I’ve just been working on my new novel that comes out on May 7th.”
   Then you were like, “My smartphone cut out there, could you repeat that?”
    And I was like, “My second novel, Empire Waste, comes out May 7th.”
    Then you were like, “A loud bus just passed me, could you repeat that?”
    And I was like, “My 347 page fiction novel about the fashion industry, Empire Waste, comes out on May 7th in physical book and e-book format.”
     Then you were like, “Oh. Yeah. I knew that, I read about it on your newly redesigned website”
     Well, person who never actually had that conversation with me, I’m really sorry I made you get a smartphone, but I’ve found a reason for you to not go back to your Razr.



     I’m going to assume January just got instagram because I just learned about her instragram and I’m pretty creepy so if pictures of JanJones were just being posted willy nillie to the internet, I definitely would have been aware of it. All the way back in HBGWHEM 11.0, I documented how much I truly love January Jones and that love has only grown over the years.

    If you want to follow January Jones on Instagram, then, uh, google her. I still have no idea how to link instragrams. Check her myspace or something and maybe it syncs with her instragram.
    What’s that? Her Myspace has no information besides weird stand alone pages that say things like this:


    I mean, I relate pretty deeply to this message.

    January Jones doesn’t have any concerts.

     That’s unfair. Why can’t we have January Jones concerts? I would buy tickets. I say this summer tumblr unites with AMC and we hold JanJonesJamz to compete with Hot 97’s Summer Jam. Jay-Z will put pictures of Drake at his bat mitzvah up on the screens at JanJonesJamz and he will release the Takeover 2 like, “Don’t be the next contestant on those JanJonesJamz screens.”
     Roc Nation will then make 2.5 million dollars off this and Jay-Z at JanJonesJamz will be the best live album since Nirvana - Unplugged.

     Since I’ll never be able to link you to January Jones’ instagram, I’ll have to post pictures from it here and then provide you with an explanation because you aren’t on JanJones’ level.
     You are a Peggy, and like Jay-Z and Kanye West said at their JanJonesJamz performance, “What’s a Peggy to a Betty?”

*Editors note: None of these pictures are in order of goodness because they were all chosen and posted by January Jones so they are all equally good because January Jones curates the January Jones Society for The Advancement of JanJones. This society is top secret (especially if you were on the cast of X-Men First Class).


    Here is JanJones presumably thinking about JanJones. ALL the pics she posts are this level of pure pleasure. I’m pretty sure that January doesn’t even use the filters available on instagram. I bet when she takes her picture and then tries to apply a filter, every filter makes the picture look worse, like ALL of the filters were “Toaster.” Yes, JanJones is that pretty that her pictures are permaToastered with filters. I bet that in the controversial instagram user agreement it states, “By using instagram you consent to the agreement that you will not apply any filters to pictures of JanJones that are posted.”

"Real life is JanJones’ filter. You don’t mess with life or you might find death" ~ Kevin Systrom (CEO of Instagram) re: the no-filter January Jones rule.


    JanJones’ instagram has the best Throwback Thursdays ever because she’s like, “Oh hey, here’s a technical marvel in the background of me being young and cute on the set of a movie that, okay, under-performed at the box office, but is that my fault? No. They didn’t put my name on the poster. If they put Bandits feat. JanJones on the box of Bandits then it would be the new Titanic. We would be up to Bandits 6 in the box office by now and Avengers 2 would have to push their release date back because even Robert Downey Jr would be like, “You must be freebasing like me in 2000 if you think I’m going up against Bandits 6, cancel Avengers 2 or move it to a new weekend.”




    Apparently, unfortunately, someone has taken screenshots from one of the best Betty benders on Mad Men and made a meme out of it. JanJones, being accepting, posted the picture to show that there are no hard feelings, but putting JanJones pictures in a meme generator is like blingeeing the Mona Lisa. I mean, look.

♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥ Oh Mona, Oh Lisa♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥

    Doesn’t feel good, does it? So why is it acceptable to put sweet sweet Betty Badass era photos in a meme generator? JanJones is forgiving. I am not. I will blingee your wedding photo if you keep fucking with Betty pix.


    Here’s JanJones trying to lure Joan Harris into her trailer with Joan’s weakness- Girlscout cookies.

    JanJones also uses this redhead bribe to keep her posture perfect. Being the prettiest of all Mad Men actresses, Betty constantly trains to stay way more pretty than the beefy redhead or the Peggy, who won an emmy for that boring as shit Jane Campion show Top Of The Lake about New Zealand. I mean, I watched some of the show on Netflix and I can’t imagine what the pitch meeting was like for it. 

Jane Campion: “Hey, you know how there are a thousand shows about crimes and people solving crimes and whatnot?”

Peggy: Yeah. There are way too many.

Jane Campion: We’re going to make another.

Peggy: That is a very stupid idea.

Jane Campion: You will star in it.

Peggy: Okay, maybe I can be the prettiest on our crime show since JanJones is way prettier than I am and she can balance girlscout cookies on her head, while all I can do is eat girlscout cookies. I do think this show seems pointless though.

Jane Campion: We’ll set it in New Zealand.

Peggy: Why?

Jane Campion: You will star in it and do a bad New Zealand accent instead of us doing the logical thing and giving a New Zealander a job.

Peggy: Why?

Jane Campion: We start shooting tomorrow. This will win you an Emmy.

    I don’t mean to call JanJones “Betty” so much. To call her Betty all the time is to limit her. JanJones IS Betty, but she’s also the White Queen Of The HellFire club, she’s also Jeannie the American Angel in Love Actually, she’s also some character from Bandits that no one can name because they didn’t put her fucking name on the box. 


    JanJones is also taking on new roles. Above is a picture she posted when she was on the way to audition for the new Tim Burton movie. I hope she gets the role, but I think we all know that Johnny Depp will show up to the audition with three pocketwatches on his hat instead of JanJones’ one pocket watch and January might not get the role =( 

    So what happens when you don’t cast JanJones in your movie?

    Your movie becomes Bandits (even though Bandits did have JanJones, but we’ve been over this- marketing mistakes were made.)


     Oh, and I forgot to mention that JanJones, in association with, has a tank full of man eating sharks in her back yard and you will be fed to these beautiful sharks if you don’t cast January in your movie.

Let’s review your options, Hollywood:

A- Put JanJones in your movie and make a billion dollars in box office grosses.

B- Don’t put JanJones in your movie and you die being torn apart by sharks.

    It’s not all about movies though. Mad Men will begin its 7th and final season on:

Sunday April 13 10/9c on AMC!

     Season 7 will be filled with Betty being badass. Betty being cute. Betty being sweet. Betty being far superior than all other people on the AMC network.

     Season 7 takes place in 1969 and 19790, I think.

     I wish the final season of Mad Men was a flash forward to 1995 so we could see Don Draper accumulating 90’s kids buzzfeed list cliches and marketing them.

  • Don stacking pogs like poker chips on his desk, trying to figure out a way to market a game that no one in the entire world knows how to play.
  • Don watching Power Rangers and being confused about why Rita Repulsa seemed to be speaking English, but also seemed to be overdubbed by someone else also speaking English.
  • Don calling Peggy on his see through phone.
  • Don listening to N’Sync “Bye, Bye, Bye” on his Hitclips while rollerblading with Sterling.
  • The final moment of the series showing Don overdosing on Flintstones Chewables.


    Since we can’t have 90’s kid Don Draper, at least we can have JanJones’ instagram. Make sure you follow her and leave her nice comments to encourage her to post more pictures so that we get January every day, no matter the month.


If you liked this piece, please consider buying my novel for $4, HERE

Hot Blonde Oscar Coverage 2013


    Lots of movies were released in 2013 and I saw most of them because NBA basketball star Shaquille O’Neal opened a pretty nice movie theater across from the Applebees in Newark and it’s like 1/16th mile of Newark that feels suburban as fuck. This movie theater is on my way home and I pretty much get private screenings of movies there because, who would have thought, stories of corporate greed by white rich 1%’ers gleefully detailing how they exploit the working man don’t really play well in Newark, sorry The Wolf of Wall Street

    With the Oscars arriving on (Google whatever date they’re arriving on) the time has come for me to give you the HBGWHEM rundown of the hottest blondest moments of the Oscar nominated movies. This list will contain spoilers so if you’re a twat that is like, “Thanks for ruining the ending to Monuments Men, turns out Bill Murray saves the Mona Lisa,” then go read Vultures Oscar coverage or some other website for people who think Orange Is The New Black is watchable.

The Wolf Of Wall Street-


    This movie was FILLED with blondes, the blondest of them being Margot Robbie. Yes, Margot does do that awful Long Island accent, but unlike Scarlett in Don Jon, Margot’s voice didn’t make me want to cut my dick off and throw it into traffic on the Parkway. I’m sure you’ve read about how Leo is proficient enough in the lead role and that he will earn a sympathy Oscar for the movie, but this entire film is like, “Hey. Remember Goodfellas? Did you ever wonder what Goodfellas would have been like with Leo in it? Well I have a movie for you. Did you ever want to see a movie with Jonah Hill being Jewish and gay with Hilary Duff teeth? I thought so.” That’s the true sell of this movie, but Margot Robbie is the real reason to see this movie. Not because her character is great, because honestly she’s just a mix between Ray Liotta’s wife in Goodfellas and Sharon Stone in Casino, but she is really hot and that is cool. For every moment that there is a candle in Leo’s butthole in The Wolf Of Wall Street, there is also a hot Margot Robbie moment to balance things out. The hottest moment is when Margot Robbie is toying with Leo’s character and she’s not wearing underwear, but they don’t show anything too graphic so boo for that. It must have come down to the moment where they’re like “The MPAA says we can either keep Margot’s vag or Jonah Hill’s dick in this movie, it’s one or the other,” and then they were like “Well the Academy is on Jonah’s dick so let’s keep that in.” Congrats to Jonah Hill on his second Oscar nomination.

Dallas Buyers Club-

The only blonde in Dallas Buyer’s Club is Jared Leto and I think we’ve already Covered Jared Enough. Since Blondes are immune from disease they weren’t a factor in this movie. This was my favorite movie of 2013, I implore you to see it.

The Counselor-


   The Counselor is the Brad Pitt / Michael Fassbender movie not about slavery. It is about Javier Bardem with anime hair and he’s, like, I don’t know, a guy who needs a lawyer and Michael Fassbender is a counselor and everyone just keeps saying “counselor” in this movie like there was some sort of threshold that Penelope Cruz had in her contract where she would only let Michael Fassbender finger her for the first five minutes of The Counselor if there were as many uses of the word “counselor” in The Counselor as there were fucks in The Wolf Of Wall Street. This movie is dumb and never have so many talented people converged on such a pile of garbage since every Oscars ceremony ever.

America Hustle-


    Fucking Jennifer Lawrence has a song and dance number in this movie. The other female lead in this movie is Amy Adams. If Christian Bale’s role was played by Tina Fey then it would be like a dream team of minimal talent maximum praise. That being said, Bradley Cooper gives his best performance so far (yeah, I think it’s better than SLP) and if he doesn’t win best supporting actor, a small piece of me will die. Even though Jared Leto is deserving of best supporting actor as well, who the fuck wants to listen to a Jared Leto acceptance speech where he tells you about how 30 Seconds to Mars is going to like solve the world hunger crisis by turning their zombie fans into plantation workers?  

     Isn’t it crazy to think that two of the actors who are frontrunners for best actor Oscars (Bradley Cooper & Matthew McConaughey) were in the Sarah Jessica Parker masterpiece Failure To Launch? Guess they, uh, ya know…. found a way to launch (into the Hollywood elite via screen roles that built off their work in Failure To Launch) Anyway, enough about one of the overlooked movies of Oscars past.


    Know what was funny about Failure to Launch was Matthew was like, “Alright, alright, alright. I’m a good looking Texas gentleman and we’re at a restaurant and our date is goin’ great so we’ll head back to my place.” They go to bed to get our fuck on, but then suddenly Terry Bradshaw is in the room and the girl is like “Is this becoming a threesome with Terry Bradshaw? That’s like my number two nightmare after losing all my teeth,” but then Matthew is like, “Actually, I have something to tell you,” and he pulls out, then he’s like, “Yes, that is Terry Bradshaw, and no, we aren’t going to have a threesome with Terry Bradshaw, because Terry Bradshaw is my dad,” and the girl is like, “I could deal with you living at home, but I can’t deal with you being related to a Bradshaw,” and then Terry Bradshaw goes back to bed and he’s married to the lady from Misery.


    Matthew is okay about all this apparently and the next day he goes to hot yoga with Bradley Cooper? Like, is that satire or something? Did someone fuck up the screenplays at the studio and they shot the wrong pages? I have never been like “Hey, boyz, let’s go get our hot yoga on.” Nevertheless if Bradley Cooper was like, “Want to know the secret to getting a girlfriend that is 18 years younger than you?” and I’d be like, “If the secret is to be Bradley Cooper, then you can fuck off right now, Bradley Cooper,” but Bradley Cooper will say, “No, the secret is hot yoga,” and I’ll be like, “Any yoga you’re at will… be… hot…” and then I’ll get uninvited to hot yoga with Bradley Cooper and I’ll have to join a spin class, but then Bradley will show up to that too. After hot yoga, all the guys go out to eat and they’re like, “We’re young, we’re goodlooking, we live with Terry Bradshaw- how are we still single?” and nothing is resolved in that scene. Next scene Sarah Jessica Parker shows up and she’s like at least twice Matthew’s age, but that’s not important. What is important is Carrie Bradshaw shows up in a movie where her romantic interest is the son of Terry Bradshaw. How the fuck was this movie originally pitched?

Bradley Cooper: Hey man, great hot yoga session, you want to go hang out with me? I’m going to meet up with Jennifer Lawrence and she’s going to hold up a spork and try out some new red carpet zingers for the Oscars.

Screenwriter: No. I have to go home.

Bradley: Do you still live with your step dad and Kathy Bates?

Screenwriter: I think you’re asking if I live with hall of fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw.

Bradley: Right, your stepdad.

Screenwriter: Yes, of course I still live with Terry Bradshaw. I love him. Like, I love him.

Bradley: Know what man, if you keep telling me you’re in love with your stepdad, I’m going to have to find a new hot yoga partner.

Screenwriter: It’s no coincidence that Terry Bradshaw played for the Steelers because he stole my heart. Yes, I’m in love with Terry Bradshaw and I don’t care who knows. I’m going to tell the world.

Bradley: How do you plan on doing that?

Screenwriter: I have a screenplay about a guy who won’t move out of the house because he’s in love with Terry Bradshaw.

    After this, I can only assume what happened was Kinkos messes up the copies of the screenplay and movie studio greenlights a romcom about a guy who lives at home who falls in love with Carrie Bradshaw, instead of Terry Bradshaw, as the screenwriter intended. There is even a joke about this happening when Bradley is fired from Kinkos.


   Matthew accidentally meets Carrie Bradshaw, and Carrie Bradshaw is like, “I sleep at the chair store to relax” and Matthew is like “Wow that seems pretty fucking homeless, and I am kinda homeless because I’m in love with my stepdad so I live in his house.” After Carrie Bradshaw hears this she’s like “Okay, let’s date.”

   Then Zooey Deschanel shows up and, “I’m like fuck I have to deal with this too?” So turns out Terry Bradshaw HIRED Carrie Bradshaw because he is in love with Matthew’s mom, Kathy Bates, which is admirable considering the last time I saw Kathy in a movie, she was breaking James Caan’s ankles so he couldn’t escape her bed in Misery.

    Since they are bored white guys with massive amounts of disposable income, due to the fact they don’t pay rent, Matthew and Bcoop adopt a black kid with no front teeth and they play Madden with him. Kathy Bates breaks up the Madden party and teaches Matthew how to do chores and Matthew is like, “What is this 12 Years a McConaughey?”

    Carrie Bradshaw and Matthew have a first date on a boat that Matthew is trying to sell or something, and Carrie Bradshaw seems to know more about boats than Terry Bradshaw because she is a maverick woman, like Sarah Palin. Matthew Mcconhauny and Bradley Cooper go mountain biking up a mountain which seems backwards, but maybe this is to establish that Matthew is also a maverick and Carrie Bradshaw might have met her match.

   Fucking Zooey Deschanel shows up again, and I realized that her entire subplot is that she has a bird that lives near her window. That’s her ENTIRE subplot.

   So Matthew and Carrie go on a second date to a Asian restaurant and Matthew is like, “I take it you like Japanese cuisine?” and Carrie Bradshaw is like “These are Chinese people all around us,” and Matthew is like “Feels like that sometimes, doesn’t it? We’re outnumbered.” Carrie Bradshaw and Matthew then kiss and the date is over.


    Carrie Bradshaw’s dog dies after the date and it ruins Matthew’s business meeting. Turns out, Carrie knew the vet and it wasn’t really her dog, but they killed it anyway because dead animals are a good relationship starter. Bradley Cooper and Matthew go paintballing with Carrie Bradshaw to celebrate her dog’s death. Hungry for more death after the murder of Carrie Bradshaw’s dog, Bcoop and Matthew start shooting some other bros. Drunk with power from canine homicide Carrie Bradshaw wins painball.

    They still have that dead dog, so Matthew teaches Carrie Bradshaw how to captain a boat, probably so she can dispose of her dog corpses easier without getting caught. They talk a lot about boats, which is cool because this year Matthew starred in Mud, a movie about a homeless Matthew Mcconahaney who befriends two kids from Stand By Me to help him deal with his shitty girlfriend Reese Witherspoon. It’s not a romcom because having Reese Witherspoon as your girlfriend is no laughing matter.

    Next, Bradley Cooper and Matthew Mcconaughy go surfing and dolphins appear because when Matthew and Bcoop are together, it’s magical. The only reason there weren’t any unicorns in the background was because everyone knows unicorns can’t swim, you fucking idiot.

    On their third date, Carrie Bradshaw’s boobs look dreadful, but Matthew takes her home anyway. Terry Bradshaw starts to get jealous of Carrie Bradhsaw so he leaves to mow the lawn. Carrie Bradshaw’s boobs look progressively worse, and Matthew says “I’m going to mow the lawn too,” because he’s in love with Terry Bradshaw and this might be a euphemism. Carrie, to win Matthew back, gives him some sweet, sweet ‘tang.

    Stupid ass Zooey Deshcanel, acting unlovable and Deshcanelly, tries to buy a gun and one shotgun shell. The gunstore owner doesn’t let her buy it because he thinks that Zooey Deschanel hates Zooey Deschanel as much everyone in the world hates Zooey Deschanel, and he assumes she’s gonna use the weapon on herself. The gun store guy goes all Walter Berglund about songbirds and Zooey predicts Carrie Bradshaw banged Matthew. Then Patton Oswalt is in this movie and I guess he’s playing a Redditor or something. He just bullshits about Star Wars for five minutes like every other appearance of Patton Oswalt on anything ever.

    Then, somehow, Zooey D gets a BF. Apparently, there was a third friend that was not Bradley Cooper or Matthew. It might be the guy in The Hangover who isn’t all the people you’d recognize from The Hangover and this guy is literally the me of the movie industry where he sucks so much that it’s almost as though he doesn’t exist.


     So Matthew takes his adopted son to a baseball game where Bradley Cooper says that he’s onto the Carrie Bradshaw scam because Bcoop was a cop in American Hustle and got nominated for an Academy Award and he was outstanding and he knows a thing or two about scams. After the baseball game, Bcoop admits that he betrayed Matthew and in the scene Bcoop’s shirt is really gross looking. I hope he didn’t keep the shirt.

    Once the Bradshaw Scam is unearthed, Matthew turns the tables on everyone and he’s like “Carrie is moving in with us, Terry.” This goes poorly and Matthew runs out into the rain like, “Carrie, you’re not the Bradshaw I want. Get the fuck out of my car.” A sad song plays as Matthew sits under a boat with his adopted toothless son. Carrie Bradshaw calls a meeting with Terry Bradshaw to admit that she’s in love with his son. Bcoop won’t have that so he takes Matthew rock climbing and Matthew dies. Carrie Bradshaw tells Zooey Deschanel to fuck off and they get into a fight.


   Bradley Cooper, unable to live in a McConaugheyless’ world, forces that fourth guy from The Hangover to give up his soul for an A-list actor to survive. In one of the final scenes, underscoring that Terry Bradshaw doesn’t want  Matthew to leave, Terry Bradshaw turns Matthew’s room into his naked room. That is literally 100% not an exaggeration. A four minute scene plays out where Terry Bradshaw is totally naked in front of Matthew. If you watch this scene and try to tell me that this movie isn’t about a guy in love with his stepdad, you’re fucking delusional. If you don’t believe me, google image Terry Bradshaw’s butt, but I warn you, the images you will see, you cannot unsee. They will change your DNA and you will not be able to close your eyes at night without your eyelids being painted in the tragic horror of your googling.

    In the end Carrie Bradshaw gets locked in The Hangover 4’s house and Carrie Bradshaw finds Matthew in the closet, which is to further underscore the fact that he can’t admit he truly loves the other Bradshaw. Matthew, in the end, seems to come upon the realization that he might not have the Bradshaw he wants, but he’ll take the Bradshaw he wants him. It’s an important lesson for us all. 

   If you want to catch up on Failure The Launch before the Oscars, you can find it on Netflix Instant. Also, HBGWHEM would like to thank Mia Farrow for her permission to reprint her “Failure To Launch” review, (above).

    Anyways, here are some other Oscar worthy movies not about falling in love with your stepdad:

    In 12 Years A Slave, there were no blondes because blondes would never participate in such a brunette act like slavery. 

Blue Is The Warmest Colour-

     This movie contains only one blonde, who is pregnant, and wears no makeup. People were like Tom, you might want to check out Blue is The Warmest Colour and I was like “Why, imaginary person who never actually said this to me?” and the very real person responded, “It’s a sexually graphic film about lipstick lesbians who speak French,” and immediately I was like, “Yessss,” and, “Fuck yesssss,” and, “Better not watch this one with an audience.”

     I went to see the movie and NO ONE MENTIONED THE EMOTIONS IN THIS FILM. I MEAN, HOLY EMOTIONS. SADNESS. SADNESS. LESBIANS. SADNESS. Honestly this movie fucked up my fetishes because everytime I’m on xvideos looking at lesbians, I’m thinking about Adele in that cafe when Emma agrees to meet up with her and Adele says that she wants to pay for one of Emma’s paintings, then she adds, “in flesh and blood” and it’s delivered seriously. That line felt so emotionally accurate that it floored me. That feeling of betraying someone, then desperately wanting them back, at any cost, is palpable in the cafe scene. Adele is the single most fully formed and sympathetic character of any movie in 2013.  Regardless of nationality or sexuality, you will find a piece of yourself in the character of Adele, and you’ll leave the film with wounds reopened.   

HBGWHEM 2013 Oscar Picks:

Best Actor - Matthew McConaughey

Best Supporting - Bcoop

Best Screenplay - Woody Allen - Blue Jasemine. 

Best Director - Five way tie.

Best Softcore Lesbian Porno - Girls Tribbing Girls 2

Best Animated Movie - Grow up, honestly.

Best Comedy or Musician - Some movie that stars Kevin Hart because he is inserted into every comedy greenlit in Hollywood now.

Best Actress - Kate Blanchette

Best Original Score - Romeo & Juliet (2013)

Best Documentary - Whatever I can find on Youtube tbh.

Best Cinematography - Prisoners

Best Costumes - Anna Karenina (if it came out this year. Who knows.)

Best Picture - The Dallas Buyers Club

Best readership - Mine. Awwwwwww so cute I just gave you an Oscar. I’m so kind to you. I run the cutest blog ever. Your blog sucks. Your blog is the Leonardo Dicaprio of the 2013 Blog Oscars. Stay in your seat, bitch.

If you liked this post, please check out my novel that can be purchased for $3.99 here.

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