Lots of movies were released in 2013 and I saw most of them because NBA basketball star Shaquille O’Neal opened a pretty nice movie theater across from the Applebees in Newark and it’s like 1/16th mile of Newark that feels suburban as fuck. This movie theater is on my way home and I pretty much get private screenings of movies there because, who would have thought, stories of corporate greed by white rich 1%’ers gleefully detailing how they exploit the working man don’t really play well in Newark, sorry The Wolf of Wall Street.
With the Oscars arriving on (Google whatever date they’re arriving on) the time has come for me to give you the HBGWHEM rundown of the hottest blondest moments of the Oscar nominated movies. This list will contain spoilers so if you’re a twat that is like, “Thanks for ruining the ending to Monuments Men, turns out Bill Murray saves the Mona Lisa,” then go read Vultures Oscar coverage or some other website for people who think Orange Is The New Black is watchable.
The Wolf Of Wall Street-
This movie was FILLED with blondes, the blondest of them being Margot Robbie. Yes, Margot does do that awful Long Island accent, but unlike Scarlett in Don Jon, Margot’s voice didn’t make me want to cut my dick off and throw it into traffic on the Parkway. I’m sure you’ve read about how Leo is proficient enough in the lead role and that he will earn a sympathy Oscar for the movie, but this entire film is like, “Hey. Remember Goodfellas? Did you ever wonder what Goodfellas would have been like with Leo in it? Well I have a movie for you. Did you ever want to see a movie with Jonah Hill being Jewish and gay with Hilary Duff teeth? I thought so.” That’s the true sell of this movie, but Margot Robbie is the real reason to see this movie. Not because her character is great, because honestly she’s just a mix between Ray Liotta’s wife in Goodfellas and Sharon Stone in Casino, but she is really hot and that is cool. For every moment that there is a candle in Leo’s butthole in The Wolf Of Wall Street, there is also a hot Margot Robbie moment to balance things out. The hottest moment is when Margot Robbie is toying with Leo’s character and she’s not wearing underwear, but they don’t show anything too graphic so boo for that. It must have come down to the moment where they’re like “The MPAA says we can either keep Margot’s vag or Jonah Hill’s dick in this movie, it’s one or the other,” and then they were like “Well the Academy is on Jonah’s dick so let’s keep that in.” Congrats to Jonah Hill on his second Oscar nomination.
Dallas Buyers Club-
The only blonde in Dallas Buyer’s Club is Jared Leto and I think we’ve already Covered Jared Enough. Since Blondes are immune from disease they weren’t a factor in this movie. This was my favorite movie of 2013, I implore you to see it.
The Counselor is the Brad Pitt / Michael Fassbender movie not about slavery. It is about Javier Bardem with anime hair and he’s, like, I don’t know, a guy who needs a lawyer and Michael Fassbender is a counselor and everyone just keeps saying “counselor” in this movie like there was some sort of threshold that Penelope Cruz had in her contract where she would only let Michael Fassbender finger her for the first five minutes of The Counselor if there were as many uses of the word “counselor” in The Counselor as there were fucks in The Wolf Of Wall Street. This movie is dumb and never have so many talented people converged on such a pile of garbage since every Oscars ceremony ever.
Fucking Jennifer Lawrence has a song and dance number in this movie. The other female lead in this movie is Amy Adams. If Christian Bale’s role was played by Tina Fey then it would be like a dream team of minimal talent maximum praise. That being said, Bradley Cooper gives his best performance so far (yeah, I think it’s better than SLP) and if he doesn’t win best supporting actor, a small piece of me will die. Even though Jared Leto is deserving of best supporting actor as well, who the fuck wants to listen to a Jared Leto acceptance speech where he tells you about how 30 Seconds to Mars is going to like solve the world hunger crisis by turning their zombie fans into plantation workers?
Isn’t it crazy to think that two of the actors who are frontrunners for best actor Oscars (Bradley Cooper & Matthew McConaughey) were in the Sarah Jessica Parker masterpiece Failure To Launch? Guess they, uh, ya know…. found a way to launch (into the Hollywood elite via screen roles that built off their work in Failure To Launch) Anyway, enough about one of the overlooked movies of Oscars past.
Know what was funny about Failure to Launch was Matthew was like, “Alright, alright, alright. I’m a good looking Texas gentleman and we’re at a restaurant and our date is goin’ great so we’ll head back to my place.” They go to bed to get our fuck on, but then suddenly Terry Bradshaw is in the room and the girl is like “Is this becoming a threesome with Terry Bradshaw? That’s like my number two nightmare after losing all my teeth,” but then Matthew is like, “Actually, I have something to tell you,” and he pulls out, then he’s like, “Yes, that is Terry Bradshaw, and no, we aren’t going to have a threesome with Terry Bradshaw, because Terry Bradshaw is my dad,” and the girl is like, “I could deal with you living at home, but I can’t deal with you being related to a Bradshaw,” and then Terry Bradshaw goes back to bed and he’s married to the lady from Misery.
Matthew is okay about all this apparently and the next day he goes to hot yoga with Bradley Cooper? Like, is that satire or something? Did someone fuck up the screenplays at the studio and they shot the wrong pages? I have never been like “Hey, boyz, let’s go get our hot yoga on.” Nevertheless if Bradley Cooper was like, “Want to know the secret to getting a girlfriend that is 18 years younger than you?” and I’d be like, “If the secret is to be Bradley Cooper, then you can fuck off right now, Bradley Cooper,” but Bradley Cooper will say, “No, the secret is hot yoga,” and I’ll be like, “Any yoga you’re at will… be… hot…” and then I’ll get uninvited to hot yoga with Bradley Cooper and I’ll have to join a spin class, but then Bradley will show up to that too. After hot yoga, all the guys go out to eat and they’re like, “We’re young, we’re goodlooking, we live with Terry Bradshaw- how are we still single?” and nothing is resolved in that scene. Next scene Sarah Jessica Parker shows up and she’s like at least twice Matthew’s age, but that’s not important. What is important is Carrie Bradshaw shows up in a movie where her romantic interest is the son of Terry Bradshaw. How the fuck was this movie originally pitched?
Bradley Cooper: Hey man, great hot yoga session, you want to go hang out with me? I’m going to meet up with Jennifer Lawrence and she’s going to hold up a spork and try out some new red carpet zingers for the Oscars.
Screenwriter: No. I have to go home.
Bradley: Do you still live with your step dad and Kathy Bates?
Screenwriter: I think you’re asking if I live with hall of fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw.
Bradley: Right, your stepdad.
Screenwriter: Yes, of course I still live with Terry Bradshaw. I love him. Like, I love him.
Bradley: Know what man, if you keep telling me you’re in love with your stepdad, I’m going to have to find a new hot yoga partner.
Screenwriter: It’s no coincidence that Terry Bradshaw played for the Steelers because he stole my heart. Yes, I’m in love with Terry Bradshaw and I don’t care who knows. I’m going to tell the world.
Bradley: How do you plan on doing that?
Screenwriter: I have a screenplay about a guy who won’t move out of the house because he’s in love with Terry Bradshaw.
After this, I can only assume what happened was Kinkos messes up the copies of the screenplay and movie studio greenlights a romcom about a guy who lives at home who falls in love with Carrie Bradshaw, instead of Terry Bradshaw, as the screenwriter intended. There is even a joke about this happening when Bradley is fired from Kinkos.
Matthew accidentally meets Carrie Bradshaw, and Carrie Bradshaw is like, “I sleep at the chair store to relax” and Matthew is like “Wow that seems pretty fucking homeless, and I am kinda homeless because I’m in love with my stepdad so I live in his house.” After Carrie Bradshaw hears this she’s like “Okay, let’s date.”
Then Zooey Deschanel shows up and, “I’m like fuck I have to deal with this too?” So turns out Terry Bradshaw HIRED Carrie Bradshaw because he is in love with Matthew’s mom, Kathy Bates, which is admirable considering the last time I saw Kathy in a movie, she was breaking James Caan’s ankles so he couldn’t escape her bed in Misery.
Since they are bored white guys with massive amounts of disposable income, due to the fact they don’t pay rent, Matthew and Bcoop adopt a black kid with no front teeth and they play Madden with him. Kathy Bates breaks up the Madden party and teaches Matthew how to do chores and Matthew is like, “What is this 12 Years a McConaughey?”
Carrie Bradshaw and Matthew have a first date on a boat that Matthew is trying to sell or something, and Carrie Bradshaw seems to know more about boats than Terry Bradshaw because she is a maverick woman, like Sarah Palin. Matthew Mcconhauny and Bradley Cooper go mountain biking up a mountain which seems backwards, but maybe this is to establish that Matthew is also a maverick and Carrie Bradshaw might have met her match.
Fucking Zooey Deschanel shows up again, and I realized that her entire subplot is that she has a bird that lives near her window. That’s her ENTIRE subplot.
So Matthew and Carrie go on a second date to a Asian restaurant and Matthew is like, “I take it you like Japanese cuisine?” and Carrie Bradshaw is like “These are Chinese people all around us,” and Matthew is like “Feels like that sometimes, doesn’t it? We’re outnumbered.” Carrie Bradshaw and Matthew then kiss and the date is over.
Carrie Bradshaw’s dog dies after the date and it ruins Matthew’s business meeting. Turns out, Carrie knew the vet and it wasn’t really her dog, but they killed it anyway because dead animals are a good relationship starter. Bradley Cooper and Matthew go paintballing with Carrie Bradshaw to celebrate her dog’s death. Hungry for more death after the murder of Carrie Bradshaw’s dog, Bcoop and Matthew start shooting some other bros. Drunk with power from canine homicide Carrie Bradshaw wins painball.
They still have that dead dog, so Matthew teaches Carrie Bradshaw how to captain a boat, probably so she can dispose of her dog corpses easier without getting caught. They talk a lot about boats, which is cool because this year Matthew starred in Mud, a movie about a homeless Matthew Mcconahaney who befriends two kids from Stand By Me to help him deal with his shitty girlfriend Reese Witherspoon. It’s not a romcom because having Reese Witherspoon as your girlfriend is no laughing matter.
Next, Bradley Cooper and Matthew Mcconaughy go surfing and dolphins appear because when Matthew and Bcoop are together, it’s magical. The only reason there weren’t any unicorns in the background was because everyone knows unicorns can’t swim, you fucking idiot.
On their third date, Carrie Bradshaw’s boobs look dreadful, but Matthew takes her home anyway. Terry Bradshaw starts to get jealous of Carrie Bradhsaw so he leaves to mow the lawn. Carrie Bradshaw’s boobs look progressively worse, and Matthew says “I’m going to mow the lawn too,” because he’s in love with Terry Bradshaw and this might be a euphemism. Carrie, to win Matthew back, gives him some sweet, sweet ‘tang.
Stupid ass Zooey Deshcanel, acting unlovable and Deshcanelly, tries to buy a gun and one shotgun shell. The gunstore owner doesn’t let her buy it because he thinks that Zooey Deschanel hates Zooey Deschanel as much everyone in the world hates Zooey Deschanel, and he assumes she’s gonna use the weapon on herself. The gun store guy goes all Walter Berglund about songbirds and Zooey predicts Carrie Bradshaw banged Matthew. Then Patton Oswalt is in this movie and I guess he’s playing a Redditor or something. He just bullshits about Star Wars for five minutes like every other appearance of Patton Oswalt on anything ever.
Then, somehow, Zooey D gets a BF. Apparently, there was a third friend that was not Bradley Cooper or Matthew. It might be the guy in The Hangover who isn’t all the people you’d recognize from The Hangover and this guy is literally the me of the movie industry where he sucks so much that it’s almost as though he doesn’t exist.
So Matthew takes his adopted son to a baseball game where Bradley Cooper says that he’s onto the Carrie Bradshaw scam because Bcoop was a cop in American Hustle and got nominated for an Academy Award and he was outstanding and he knows a thing or two about scams. After the baseball game, Bcoop admits that he betrayed Matthew and in the scene Bcoop’s shirt is really gross looking. I hope he didn’t keep the shirt.
Once the Bradshaw Scam is unearthed, Matthew turns the tables on everyone and he’s like “Carrie is moving in with us, Terry.” This goes poorly and Matthew runs out into the rain like, “Carrie, you’re not the Bradshaw I want. Get the fuck out of my car.” A sad song plays as Matthew sits under a boat with his adopted toothless son. Carrie Bradshaw calls a meeting with Terry Bradshaw to admit that she’s in love with his son. Bcoop won’t have that so he takes Matthew rock climbing and Matthew dies. Carrie Bradshaw tells Zooey Deschanel to fuck off and they get into a fight.
Bradley Cooper, unable to live in a McConaugheyless’ world, forces that fourth guy from The Hangover to give up his soul for an A-list actor to survive. In one of the final scenes, underscoring that Terry Bradshaw doesn’t want Matthew to leave, Terry Bradshaw turns Matthew’s room into his naked room. That is literally 100% not an exaggeration. A four minute scene plays out where Terry Bradshaw is totally naked in front of Matthew. If you watch this scene and try to tell me that this movie isn’t about a guy in love with his stepdad, you’re fucking delusional. If you don’t believe me, google image Terry Bradshaw’s butt, but I warn you, the images you will see, you cannot unsee. They will change your DNA and you will not be able to close your eyes at night without your eyelids being painted in the tragic horror of your googling.
In the end Carrie Bradshaw gets locked in The Hangover 4’s house and Carrie Bradshaw finds Matthew in the closet, which is to further underscore the fact that he can’t admit he truly loves the other Bradshaw. Matthew, in the end, seems to come upon the realization that he might not have the Bradshaw he wants, but he’ll take the Bradshaw he wants him. It’s an important lesson for us all.
If you want to catch up on Failure The Launch before the Oscars, you can find it on Netflix Instant. Also, HBGWHEM would like to thank Mia Farrow for her permission to reprint her “Failure To Launch” review, (above).
Anyways, here are some other Oscar worthy movies not about falling in love with your stepdad:
In 12 Years A Slave, there were no blondes because blondes would never participate in such a brunette act like slavery.
Blue Is The Warmest Colour-
This movie contains only one blonde, who is pregnant, and wears no makeup. People were like Tom, you might want to check out Blue is The Warmest Colour and I was like “Why, imaginary person who never actually said this to me?” and the very real person responded, “It’s a sexually graphic film about lipstick lesbians who speak French,” and immediately I was like, “Yessss,” and, “Fuck yesssss,” and, “Better not watch this one with an audience.”
I went to see the movie and NO ONE MENTIONED THE EMOTIONS IN THIS FILM. I MEAN, HOLY EMOTIONS. SADNESS. SADNESS. LESBIANS. SADNESS. Honestly this movie fucked up my fetishes because everytime I’m on xvideos looking at lesbians, I’m thinking about Adele in that cafe when Emma agrees to meet up with her and Adele says that she wants to pay for one of Emma’s paintings, then she adds, “in flesh and blood” and it’s delivered seriously. That line felt so emotionally accurate that it floored me. That feeling of betraying someone, then desperately wanting them back, at any cost, is palpable in the cafe scene. Adele is the single most fully formed and sympathetic character of any movie in 2013. Regardless of nationality or sexuality, you will find a piece of yourself in the character of Adele, and you’ll leave the film with wounds reopened.
HBGWHEM 2013 Oscar Picks:
Best Actor - Matthew McConaughey
Best Supporting - Bcoop
Best Screenplay - Woody Allen - Blue Jasemine.
Best Director - Five way tie.
Best Softcore Lesbian Porno - Girls Tribbing Girls 2
Best Animated Movie - Grow up, honestly.
Best Comedy or Musician - Some movie that stars Kevin Hart because he is inserted into every comedy greenlit in Hollywood now.
Best Actress - Kate Blanchette
Best Original Score - Romeo & Juliet (2013)
Best Documentary - Whatever I can find on Youtube tbh.
Best Cinematography - Prisoners
Best Costumes - Anna Karenina (if it came out this year. Who knows.)
Best Picture - The Dallas Buyers Club
Best readership - Mine. Awwwwwww so cute I just gave you an Oscar. I’m so kind to you. I run the cutest blog ever. Your blog sucks. Your blog is the Leonardo Dicaprio of the 2013 Blog Oscars. Stay in your seat, bitch.
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