HBGWHEM 44.3 #THEDAPHENING by t/james reagan
I’m sure you’ve heard that recently some photographs have leaked onto the internet that are starting a LOT of important discussions.
These leaks were super sexy and almost brought the internet to a halt. Not everyone is thrilled about these leaks though. Many people feel that it’s unfair to women everywhere to have these pics out there, on the internet, setting unrealistic standards and perpetuating the idea of the “perfect woman.”
The internet has christened the leak of these pictures as #TheDaphening
DAPHNE GROENEVELD HAS RETURNED TO SAVE US FROM CARA.
I was first alerted to #TheDaphening by a leaked picture of Daphne, appearing out of the darkness, handbag full of her fashion weapons hanging in crook of her arm. I realized the bby got my letters, got my e-mails, got my instagram comments, and she finally felt ready to break her two season long ban from the fashion Industry.
The picture, apparently hacked from a HeavenCloud, turned out to be just the beginning of what was in store for us. A hacker, known simply as “NYWomenMgmt” released additional pics over fashion week. A second version of the leaked Daphne pic was found to contain a cryptic message. We will post it here exclusively:
This leak was the first picture we had seen of Daphne since her two season ban was imposed by the National Fashion League.
It’s important to review this ban because it’s been very controversial. The backstory on it is that Daphne scored a Dior Addict campaign and her Dior Addict video became the centerpiece in an investigation that was conducted by the National Fashion League.
HBGWHEM exclusively reached out to the president of National Fashion League, Jaden Smith, to see when exactly he got footage of the Dior Addict commercial.
HBGWHEM: When exactly did you receive the Dior Addict commercial?
Jaden: I’ve never seen that commercial before.
HGBWHEM: But you must have known what happens in the commercial? You suspended Daphne for 2 seasons based on these allegations so you must have known what goes on in the video.
(We play Jaden the tape.)
HBGWHEM: As you can see clearly from the video, that is Daphne Groenveld slaying your favs.
Jaden: The National Fashion League was aware that Daphne was slaying our favs and that’s why we suspended her for two seasons.
HBGWHEM: When Gemma Ward slayed like this at McQueen, she received a lifetime ban. Why would you only ban Daphne for two seasons?
Jaden: As I said, once we received word about the Dior Addict commercial, it became more clear the severity in which Daphne slayed my favs.
HBGWHEM: Why did it take you so long to get this footage? Dior said they sent a copy.
Jaden: How could I see the tape if our eyes aren’t real?
Warning, HBGWHEM is posting the tape in its entirety below. The footage you are about to see is highly cute and it will make your entire day better as a result. Please be aware that HBGWHEM is not responsible for your face being stuck in a permanent smile after watching this shocking footage.
As you can see, this is pretty powerful footage and I’m almost sure that Jaden and the National Fashion League had seen this video, but they are complacent in Daphne’s slaying. Yes, there are allegations of league-wide leniency regarding this scandal. Right now the fashion industry is worried that this Dior Addict tape is a sign of something more severe. Many responsible internet feminists have noted an epidemic of a problem in the league- Daphne is encouraging women to become Dior addicts. In another piece of recently released footage, we see that the young and beautiful Russian HBGWHEM, Sasha Luss, is now a Dior addict as well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utkf07CI4rI is the footage of Sasha Luss mimicking Daphne. As the bloggers have pointed out, one has to question if Daphne’s influence is forcing these young girls to get addicted to Dior. An addiction to Dior can not only be expensive, but is also a major problem because Raf is one of the biggest bores ever to work in the industry. Once these girls become addicted to Dior, they will be seen walking the street in clean, overpriced, simple garments that look the same season after season.
Jaden Smith has assured us that the National Fashion League’s investigation into Daphne slaying our favs is ongoing and he also notes, “Dior spelled backwards is Roid.” Jaden, with this steroid correlation, is possibly implying that Daphne might cause Dior to be added on the National Fashion League’s “banned substances” list in the near future.
It’s important to return to the pics that were leaked during #TheDaphening. These pictures show are NSFW assuming that your work doesn’t like you looking at IRL angels all day long instead of finishing your reports.
Here’s Daphne being perfect for a streetstyle shot, wearing the same thing she wore at Vera Wang. She’s not supposed to wear these pieces out to the street after she finished walking, but I imagine that the situation went something like this.
Vera: “Daphne, you looked great!”
Daphne: “I still do.”
Vera: “U right, U right.”
Daphne: “Okay. Bye.”
*Daphne walks out wearing a piece of the runway collection*
At Marc Jacobs, all of the models circled this giant weird house and everyone was like, “Why is this house here?” and it made no sense and the collection looked rushed and the fits were non-existent and the wigs were terrible, no one felt good about the situation until the front door opened and there was Daphne! Daphne emerged from the house and apologized to the crowd for the collection and she didn’t keep anything because it was all Marc Jacobs.
Here’s a leaked picture of Daphne at Carolina Herrera.
As you can see from the background, once the other models saw that Daphne was walking Carolina Herrera they immediately GTFO because they knew that they could not compete with Daphne’s beauty and they all went to eat full pizzas and fill out financial aid forms so they could go back to college now that Daphne had returned to replace them. “Maybe I will become a dental hygienist,” one model said, then used a grease stained napkin to wipe up her tears before they fell onto the last slice of pizza.
Speaking of tears…
Here’s Daphne at Anna Sui. No, that’s not jewely near her eyes, those are genuine tears. The rumor is that someone had a very reflective phone case and when they lifted their phone to capture Daphne’s beauty, she saw her reflection and was moved to tears. Since the entire audience was crying at Daphne’s beauty this moment was camouflaged and no one made a big deal about it, but the amount of tears shed at Anna Sui were Gosling/McAdams level. The was like The Notebook 2, but as a one woman show where Daphne was all the characters.
Here’s a leaked #Daphening photo of Daphne at Jason Wu.
Note the necklace she’s wearing. This is not only an accessory for the collection, it’s also a tracking device that constantly sends a GPS signal reporting where Daphne is so we never lose her ever again.
In this leaked photo from Oscar De La Renta, Oscar took a stand against Daphne’s radiant beauty. Unwilling to compete with a Daphne at full power, he forced Daphne to wear sandals, then fashioned a table cloth into clothes.
After the ODLR show, the international price of a picnic blanket raised 4400% percent from 19.99 to whatever 4400% of $19.99 is, I can’t find the calculator on this windows 8 laptop. Why the fuck did they take away the start button? I clicked on the little window at the bottom left of the screen and it started playing Netflix, which didn’t help me with the math, but did help me conclude that this Gwyneth Paltrow / Marc Ruffalo movie rightfully didn’t receive a wide theatrical release despite a talented cast.
Everyone is picnicking post Daphne OLDR. You’re probably reading this shit while on a picnic right now. If your boyfriend doesn’t take you in a picnic, that means he’s picnicking with some other ho, and you’re nothing but his side-picnic.
Perfect bby Daphne was gracious about the leaks, stopping to speak with any reporters who wanted to get the scoop on how she spent her fashion ban. Here’s just one of the many interactions from Fashion week.
Despite the controversy surrounding #TheDaphening, I think we can all agree, as a unified world, that Daphne’s return has filled us with so much joy and happiness. A thousand emoticons couldn’t express how good it felt to see Daphne back on the runway. Daphne reappearing was truly NYFW’s finest moment and a reason to wear a big ol’ Daphne-smile at a time when the world seems so angry and scary.
Welcome back, Daphne. We missed you.
If you enjoyed this piece, then you should check out my novels, available for $3.99, here-> http://www.amazon.com/T-James-Reagan/e/B00GMKD3CY/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1410719391&sr=8-1
T/James Reagan is the author of Empire Waste, a novel about the NYC fashion industry, and Famous For Nothing, a celebrity blogging satire.