How long until they find Cara Delevingne pissing in one of the CBGB toilets in the Met exhibit. 




4.10: Alt LitLilo

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I waited in the SUV outside of the first rehab I tried to enter.

That number shouldn’t be necessary. I shouldn’t have to number my rehabs like they numbered the reasons why they sent me there.

I sat in the car while a person I sort of know and a person I never met decided where the next ninety days of my life would play out.

“Play out” is the wrong way to put it.

It doesn’t matter how I describe the time I would have spent there because the person I sort of know got back into the SUV and we drove away.

The first rehab had lost their license so I couldn’t stay there.

“Me too,” I said when he told me the news.

The person I sort of know asked, “What?” and I responded, “I lost my license too.”

The person I sort of know did not laugh at this, and he did not agree with this, and he did get on his phone, and we did keep driving.

I did not get on my phone because anyone contacting me would not have the key to get me out of this and they almost certainly helped me get into this. I’ll have to thank them for their help. 

The first rehab… lost their license. I think about that. Everyone knew where I was going. Did no one think to mention this small detail until I was at the front door? Did they not care? I arrive at forgiveness very quickly because I didn’t care when I lost my license either. Now I know why people got so frustrated. Now I know what the right choice was.

When I was told to stay in the car, the person I sort of know told me that if I went inside the first rehab, they wouldn’t let me out. I asked why and he asked me, “Why do you think?”

I imagined it playing out. I would’ve walked into rehab- just following directions. I would’ve given up my time- just following directions. I would’ve set out the small suitcase of items I was allowed to bring- just following directions. Then the warrant would be issued, and I would be out of rehab, again. Back in jail, again. I would be told all of this happened because I didn’t follow the judge’s directions. 

The person I sort of know finally got off his phone. He turned to me and said, “You’re in luck.”

“This is luck? A SUV to rehab? That’s ‘luck’?” I asked him. He ignored my questions and said, “Shawn is going to bail you out of this mess.”

When he said, “bail you out” he meant she was going to help me. I had already been bailed out, literally, by Shawn, again and again and it felt like it would happen again and it did happen again, but that time  she wasn’t there. That could have been my fault, I’m told. I’m lucky, I’m told.

We kept driving. More calls. My phone stayed off. The person I sort of know never stopped talking. He said only four sentences to me after leaving the first rehab.

“You’re going to Betty Ford. Everything is fine,” the person sort of know told me, then smiled.

“Betty Ford, like the place where I assaulted a woman?”

“No, Lindsay. Betty Ford, the place where you allegedly assaulted a woman.”

We arrived at the second rehab. I prepared myself to stay there a second time.

“Is it safe to get out this time?” I asked.

The person I sort of know assured me it was safe.

I think that’s how this all started in the first place.




Still the best reaction to my blog I’ve ever received.

Still the best reaction to my blog I’ve ever received.




4.9- Lilo Mugshot Photographer For All The Campaigns.

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~my essence distilled in a single photograph~

    This is my 10th Lilo post.

    Each time I start one of these posts, I look at a picture of Lindsay and say, “Okay, girl. You aight. Keep it together. We_Gon’_Make_It_- Jadakiss_feat._Styles_P.mp3”

    And, you know what, things do end up okay.

    Then Lindsay gets FRAMED, AGAIN.

    On tumblr I read about all sorts of systematic failures that continually put the same ppl behind bars despite them being totally innocent, and I was like, YES! and I think we should call this ~-~Lilo’s Law~-~. Everyone I was in a fraternity with went to Law School after college so I think I will wait til their shift is done at Surf Taco and get them together to make Lilo’s Law a reality. “We cannot keep imprisoning the innocent, while letting the guilty go with a slap on the wrist,” people always say to me when I discuss Lilo’s legal trouble with them. Then I say, “I agree, they should stop persecuting Lindsay,” then the person is like, “What? That’s not what I’m saying, at all. Are you even paying attention to this conversation? Are you just hearing what you want to hear, then agreeing with your own thoughts?” and I’m all, “Listen, I’m not the one on trial here.”

    And Lilo shouldn’t be the one on trial either.

    If Lilo was on a high school sports team she would receive zero punishment for all the things she’s done, and she’d also probably receive a nice jacket, free pizza and maybe a case of Powerades or something. Is that how you spell Powerade? It doesn’t look right, but the other option is PowerAIDS and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially those high school athletes because we know how they are.

    For a while there, Lilo was doing well. Sure she punched a gypsy in the face, but “Right to Punch Gypsies” is the 16th amendment and you can’t take that way from us, Mr. Pres!!! Before she had to beat a gypsies ass, Lilo had the Liz movie, then post-gypsy beatdown she finished up The Canyons.

    The Canyons was supposed to be a turning point. Finally, Lindsay could get out of the shadow of her actions, and James Dean could get out of the shadow of his big dick. It was a fresh start for everyone, even for that weird old guy who directed the movie (and who might also work in Accounting where I work). Every day I see him scanning documents, and I want to be like, “So what’s Lindsay REALLY like,” but I’m not 100% sure he’s the director yet so I drop subtle questions like, “So have you see James Dean aggressively fuck anyone lately?” I don’t want to be too obvious about him being a famous director, that would be rude.

    I’m worried about the promo for The Canyons. Bret Easton Ellis is my favorite author and his The Informers screenplay is one of my favorite screenplays. I want this movie to be a success so Lindsay can buy that Halle Berry lawyer back, and Bret can get his scripts produced, and James Deen doesn’t have to fuck that gross looking Sophie Dee. 

    Lindsay won’t be going to jail, thankfully. She’ll be in 90 day lockdown rehab. I think that most rehabs probably have CNN uplinks so that the stars who get caught DWIing/Cheating/Saying Racist Stuff/Tweeting Dick Pics can still do interviews while they’re doing their “very serious rehab”  so the promo cycle should be fine, and The Canyons will go on to win an Oscar, or maybe even something prestigious, like an AVN Award.

    Even though Lindsay isn’t going to jail, she had to get another mugshot taken.

    I checked out the mugshot to see how it ranked in my collection, and SHE LOOKS FUCKING PHENOMENAL.

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             MUGSHOT GOALS.

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EVADING LEGITIMATE RESPONSIBILITY GOALS.

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             EYEBROW GOALS.

    The mugshot is a fantastic picture of Lilo. It’s right up there with the pictures that Terry takes of her. Actually, matter of fact, looking at the work that Lilo Mugshot Guy has done, I want to say Terry Richardson? More like Terry PoorerPicture, Am I rite?

    I look at this beautiful Lilo picture and compare it to other photographers and I’m like…

    Steven Meisel? More like Steven MyJobIsInJeopardy.

    Juergen Teller? More like Juergen-a TellHimHe’sOverNowThatLiloMugshotGuyIsHere.

    Mert & Marcus? More like Mert & MarkUsAsLessTalentedThanLiloMugshotGuy

    Mario Testino? More like Mario TestingMoTechniquesToGetAsSkilledAsLiloMugshotGuy

    Lilo Mug Shot Photographer has shut shit down in the fashion world.

    Imagine if Lilo winked in this pic? COVER OF I-D

    Imagine if Lilo wasn’t wearing that weird Yankees dugout getup and was wearing a bikini? COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE? Kate Upton? More like Kate GetTheFuckOutOfTown because Lilo is here to slay the SI Swimsuit issue.

    Lilo Mugshot Guy, in my opinion, is the most powerful photographer in fashion at this point. If anything bad ever happens to me and they need to take my mugshot, I will use my one phone call to contact Lilo Mugshot Guy and I’ll use the money my parents gave me for bail to get an exclusive session with Lilo Mugshot Guy.

   90 days of rehab is a long time, but a picture is forever. 

   Thank you, Lilo Mugshot Photographer, for reminding us that life is beautiful and so is Lindsay.




55.0 True Life: I Was a Prada Exclusive

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Me at  PRADA AW13 Photography by Luca Campri

Inspo: Daph

  Yes, guys, that is me backstage at Prada.

   I have finally lived my dream.

    It was a cold New York City day in February as I arrived as an EXCLUSIVE for Prada.

    As soon as I walked into the tent, there was an energy around me.

    “I’ve finally achieved my life-long goal. Glee was right, it DOES get better!” I said to myself as I poured a bottle of Smartwater on my head, then removed the bag from a nearby trashcan so I could wear it as a shirt.

    There I was, backstage at Prada. I think everyone would agree, I was incredibly inspiring. It was a living testament that, no matter what anyone says, if you have a dream you must do everything you can to achieve it… and it will come true! Unless the dream has to do with time travel or whatever. 

    Even as I was experiencing this amazing triumph, I still had ~-~haters~-~. People around me said things like:

  • Who is the wet homeless guy?

and:

  • Girls, you cannot bring your dad backstage! Get him out of here!

and:

  • You’re not a model, and this is womenswear, and you’re a man, sort of.

and:

  • This guy looks worse clothed than Lena Dunham does naked.

and: 

  • Code blue. Repeat. Code blue. Get Daphne to the safety checkpoint. This guy could be dangerous.

  I closed the show by having the guards chase me while I yelled, “Stop immediately! I am a close relative, my name is Tom Miuccia!” and they argued back,”Miuccia is her first name, not her last name.” 

   It’s just like my girl Coco Rocha says, “I’m Coco Rocha, a model. Look at me. I am Coco Rocha. Please acknowledge me. Don’t look at my age on my drivers license  Please acknowledge me. Please. Please. Please.”

    I totally related to that iconic quote since I was finally a model!

    And, yes, to address the rumors I AM banned from New York City now (it happens to the best of us, CC: Jenny Humphrey), but the good thing about fashion week is that it changes cities! On to Jersey City fashion week I go!!!!!

~-~CU on Da Runway~-~




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Themed by: Hunson