Remember that time you were like, “Tom, you forced me to buy a smartphone so I could read HBGWHEM at all times, but now you never update HBGWHEM.”
And I was like, “I know, I’m sorry, I’ve just been working on my new novel that comes out on May 1st.”
Then you were like, “My smartphone cut out there, could you repeat that?”
And I was like, “My second novel, Empire Waste, comes out May 1st.”
Then you were like, “A loud bus just passed me, could you repeat that?”
And I was like, “My 348 page fiction novel about the fashion industry, Empire Waste, comes out on May 1st in physical book and e-book format.”
Then you were like, “Oh. Yeah. I knew that, I read about it on your newly redesigned website tjamesreagan.com.”
Well, person who never actually had that conversation with me, I’m really sorry I made you get a smartphone, but I’ve found a reason for you to not go back to your Razr.
~~~~~~~~~JANUARY JONES HAS INSTAGRAM~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m going to assume January just got instagram because I just learned about her instragram and I’m pretty creepy so if pictures of JanJones were just being posted willy nillie to the internet, I definitely would have been aware of it. All the way back in HBGWHEM 11.0, I documented how much I truly love January Jones and that love has only grown over the years.
If you want to follow January Jones on Instagram, then, uh, google her. I still have no idea how to link instragrams. Check her myspace or something and maybe it syncs with her instragram.
What’s that? Her Myspace has no information besides weird stand alone pages that say things like this:
I mean, I relate pretty deeply to this message.
January Jones doesn’t have any concerts.
That’s unfair. Why can’t we have January Jones concerts? I would buy tickets. I say this summer tumblr unites with AMC and we hold JanJonesJamz to compete with Hot 97’s Summer Jam. Jay-Z will put pictures of Drake at his bat mitzvah up on the screens at JanJonesJamz and he will release the Takeover 2 like, “Don’t be the next contestant on those JanJonesJamz screens.”
Roc Nation will then make 2.5 million dollars off this and Jay-Z at JanJonesJamz will be the best live album since Nirvana - Unplugged.
Since I’ll never be able to link you to January Jones’ instagram, I’ll have to post pictures from it here and then provide you with an explanation because you aren’t on JanJones’ level.
You are a Peggy, and like Jay-Z and Kanye West said at their JanJonesJamz performance, “What’s a Peggy to a Betty?”
*Editors note: None of these pictures are in order of goodness because they were all chosen and posted by January Jones so they are all equally good because January Jones curates the January Jones Society for The Advancement of JanJones. This society is top secret (especially if you were on the cast of X-Men First Class).
Here is JanJones presumably thinking about JanJones. ALL the pics she posts are this level of pure pleasure. I’m pretty sure that January doesn’t even use the filters available on instagram. I bet when she takes her picture and then tries to apply a filter, every filter makes the picture look worse, like ALL of the filters were “Toaster.” Yes, JanJones is that pretty that her pictures are permaToastered with filters. I bet that in the controversial instagram user agreement it states, “By using instagram you consent to the agreement that you will not apply any filters to pictures of JanJones that are posted.”
"Real life is JanJones’ filter. You don’t mess with life or you might find death" ~ Kevin Systrom (CEO of Instagram) re: the no-filter January Jones rule.
JanJones’ instagram has the best Throwback Thursdays ever because she’s like, “Oh hey, here’s a technical marvel in the background of me being young and cute on the set of a movie that, okay, under-performed at the box office, but is that my fault? No. They didn’t put my name on the poster. If they put Bandits feat. JanJones on the box of Bandits then it would be the new Titanic. We would be up to Bandits 6 in the box office by now and Avengers 2 would have to push their release date back because even Robert Downey Jr would be like, “You must be freebasing like me in 2000 if you think I’m going up against Bandits 6, cancel Avengers 2 or move it to a new weekend.”
OH, AND HERE’S JANUARY JONES HOLDING SIMBA. 1,234,234,342 NOTES ON TUMBLR INSTANTLY. THIS IS THE LEVEL THAT JANJONES IS INSTAGRAMING ON. WHAT’S ON YOUR INSTAGRAM PAGE? OH FUCK. YOU ATE A SANDWICH. STOP THE PRESSES. JESSICA ATE A FUCKING SANDWICH SOOOOOO INTERESTING. COOL FUCKING SANDWICH, JESSICA. OH, HEY, LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW YOUR STUPID LUNCH. IT’S JANJONES HOLDING A LION. DELETE YOUR INSTAGRAM, JESSICA. NO. BETTER YET, DELETE ALL YOUR PICTURES, THEN KEEP YOUR INSTAGRAM AND STUDY JANJONES’ PICTURES UNTIL YOU’RE READY TO TAKE THIS FUCKING SITE SERIOUSLY. IT’S A GOOD THING YOU HAVE A TREASURE TROVE OF INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE JPEGS BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET INSPIRED TO COME EVEN CLOSE TO INSTAJAN.
Apparently, unfortunately, someone has taken screenshots from one of the best Betty benders on Mad Men and made a meme out of it. JanJones, being accepting, posted the picture to show that there are no hard feelings, but putting JanJones pictures in a meme generator is like blingeeing the Mona Lisa. I mean, look.
Doesn’t feel good, does it? So why is it acceptable to put sweet sweet Betty Badass era photos in a meme generator? JanJones is forgiving. I am not. I will blingee your wedding photo if you keep fucking with Betty pix.
Here’s JanJones trying to lure Joan Harris into her trailer with Joan’s weakness- Girlscout cookies.
JanJones also uses this redhead bribe to keep her posture perfect. Being the prettiest of all Mad Men actresses, Betty constantly trains to stay way more pretty than the beefy redhead or the Peggy, who won an emmy for that boring as shit Jane Campion show Top Of The Lake about New Zealand. I mean, I watched some of the show on Netflix and I can’t imagine what the pitch meeting was like for it.
Jane Campion: “Hey, you know how there are a thousand shows about crimes and people solving crimes and whatnot?”
Peggy: Yeah. There are way too many.
Jane Campion: We’re going to make another.
Peggy: That is a very stupid idea.
Jane Campion: You will star in it.
Peggy: Okay, maybe I can be the prettiest on our crime show since JanJones is way prettier than I am and she can balance girlscout cookies on her head, while all I can do is eat girlscout cookies. I do think this show seems pointless though.
Jane Campion: We’ll set it in New Zealand.
Jane Campion: You will star in it and do a bad New Zealand accent instead of us doing the logical thing and giving a New Zealander a job.
Jane Campion: We start shooting tomorrow. This will win you an Emmy.
I don’t mean to call JanJones “Betty” so much. To call her Betty all the time is to limit her. JanJones IS Betty, but she’s also the White Queen Of The HellFire club, she’s also Jeannie the American Angel in Love Actually, she’s also some character from Bandits that no one can name because they didn’t put her fucking name on the box.
JanJones is also taking on new roles. Above is a picture she posted when she was on the way to audition for the new Tim Burton movie. I hope she gets the role, but I think we all know that Johnny Depp will show up to the audition with three pocketwatches on his hat instead of JanJones’ one pocket watch and January might not get the role =(
So what happens when you don’t cast JanJones in your movie?
Your movie becomes Bandits (even though Bandits did have JanJones, but we’ve been over this- marketing mistakes were made.)
Oh, and I forgot to mention that JanJones, in association with Oceana.org, has a tank full of man eating sharks in her back yard and you will be fed to these beautiful sharks if you don’t cast January in your movie.
Let’s review your options, Hollywood:
A- Put JanJones in your movie and make a billion dollars in box office grosses.
B- Don’t put JanJones in your movie and you die being torn apart by sharks.
It’s not all about movies though. Mad Men will begin its 7th and final season on:
Sunday April 13 10/9c on AMC!
Season 7 will be filled with Betty being badass. Betty being cute. Betty being sweet. Betty being far superior than all other people on the AMC network.
Season 7 takes place in 1969 and 19790, I think.
I wish the final season of Mad Men was a flash forward to 1995 so we could see Don Draper accumulating 90’s kids buzzfeed list cliches and marketing them.
- Don stacking pogs like poker chips on his desk, trying to figure out a way to market a game that no one in the entire world knows how to play.
- Don watching Power Rangers and being confused about why Rita Repulsa seemed to be speaking English, but also seemed to be overdubbed by someone else also speaking English.
- Don calling Peggy on his see through phone.
- Don listening to N’Sync “Bye, Bye, Bye” on his Hitclips while rollerblading with Sterling.
- The final moment of the series showing Don overdosing on Flintstones Chewables.
Since we can’t have 90’s kid Don Draper, at least we can have JanJones’ instagram. Make sure you follow her and leave her nice comments to encourage her to post more pictures so that we get January every day, no matter the month.
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